I hate Lousiville somethin’ awful.
I hate their uniforms.
I hate their fans. A lot. Especially after sitting in a Lousiville section at that bowl game. I have lived in A LOT of the southern states. NEVER have I heard so many people make the word “well” into a three syllable word. As in: Way-yuh-ulll, y’all have to look at the stateeeyuhstiyuhcs to really understaayunnd whyyy Teddy Bridgewater ZZZZZZZZZZZZZZZZZZZZZZZZZZZZZ. That last part was where I was zoned out halfway through the sentence. You get the point.
I would rather talk to one of the famous Bluegrass State horses about football than 99% of their fans. At least Mr. Ed gets to the point in a timely fashion.
I hate that their most famous alumni is Papa John. I don’t even need to explain this one, I don’t think. F that guy and his shitty garlic sauce.
Mostly, I hate that they hired that ruthless scum bag Bobby Petrino, who is a great football coach and great God fearing man except for the following (highly recommend reading that link right there, as SB Nation did a great job of going in depth on this):
· In 2001, left his job as Jaguars Offensive Coordinator to become OC at Auburn without informing anyone, including Tom Coughlin…the guy who had given him his job in the first place
· After one year at Auburn, Petrino accepts the Louisville head coaching job. He then interviews with Auburn boosters for the Auburn head job, behind the back of his current boss (Lousiville AD Tom Jurich) and his former boss WHO WAS STILL THE COACH AT AUBURN (Tommy Tuberville). Petrino then lies through his teeth about it ever happening until confronted by reporters with the flight manifest for the private plane used in this whole charade.
· Petrino interviews for multiple other jobs (LSU, Notre Dame, Oakland Raiders) over the next 2 years but maintains he has “no interest in other jobs”.
· June 2006, Petrino signs 10 year extension at Louisville and declares he “isn’t going anywhere”. You know where this is going, right?
· January 2007, Petrino goes elsewhere, leaving to become the head coach of the Atlanta Falcons.
· December 2007, Petrino resigns from Falcons after 13 games VIA STICKY NOTE. That night, he is announced as head coach at Arkansas.
· December 2008, Jurich states that he had to kick 21 of Petrino’s players out of school after he left for disciplinary reasons. Twenty Fucking One.
· The Obra Maestra: April 2012, Petrino crashes his motorcycle. His passenger is revealed to be a 25 year old MARRIED athletic department staffer with whom Petrino is having an affair. Petrino tries to cover his tracks by asking a witness not to call 911. Arkansas participates in the cover up by saying he was alone in the crash. YOU KNOW DAMNED WELL THEY KNEW. Also, this sidepiece of his? She was a 6 at best. If you’re a multi-millionaire head coach of a football team in the football obsessed “SEC Country” (home of Unironic Jorts, Tim Tebow and Race Riots!), doesn’t that say something about the man?
· It is later revealed that Petrino gave his mistress a gift of $20,000 (what we on the coasts refer to as “hush money”; what folks in the SEC call “the cost of doin business”). He is fired by Arkansas and never works again.
· JUST KIDDING! Petrino coaches Western Kentucky for one season before leaving for…Louisville. Back to where it all started! Time to re-build those sandcastles and un-torch those bridges! Because, ya know…POINTS!
· 4 months into his new gig, a Lousiville starter decided to leave the program because of how big an asshole Petrino is. His literal words were “Bobby Motherfucking Petrino”. By the way, Arkansas has been shitty ever since he left, just like Lousiville was shitty for like 5 years the last time he left. Noticing a trend here? This dude leaves more cities and relationships in ruins than ISIS.
Petrino joins Rick Pitino in the Louisville coaching family. Pitino is a great basketball coach and family man when he isn’t busy cheating on his wife in the booth of a restaurant with a woman whose abortion he later paid for.
Stay classy, Louisville.
Also, Petrino and Papa John got together and gave a monster contract to Todd Grantham to come be the new Defensive Coordinator. Listen, Grantham will forever have a place in my heart after flipping off some Gators DURING A GAME. He was just keeping up foreign relations, ya know?
But Grantham is the type of dude that gets typecast as a Sheriff or enforcer for the Dixie Mafia in a bad Johnny Knoxville caper mover. Georgia fans ran him out of town after last season. One of the reasons everyone is loading up on Georgia to win their division this year, even without the best QB in their program’s history and no surefire replacement, is because Grantham is gone.
Grantham and Petrino are already publicly feuding; Petrino apparently wants to fire him but can’t because of the massive buyout Lousiville would have to pay.
Everyone gives Al Golden crap for his kind of monotonous marketing lines and his 7 Pillars, but wouldn’t you rather have all that super generic coach-y stuff than The Petrino Way? Seriously, how long before Petrino gets caught in a hot tub with a 17 year old co-ed? Over/under is at 3.5 months.
Anyway, Petrino is crazy like a fox. His offenses always score. I have no idea what to expect from him this season, but I would bet that unless our D grew a big set of balls in the offseason, at BEST this will be a shootout. Which isn’t great for us considering we will be taking a new quarterback, on the road, at night, on national TV, against a team that mollywhopped us the last time we were on the field.
I don't know what I am rooting for more: a Miami win or Grantham to turn on Petrino halfway through the 3rd quarter, hit him with a steel chair and execute a Hulk Hogan leg drop.
Let the hate flow through you.