Hello All,
Every year since I was 9 I have watched the first day of the NFL Draft. Do not ask me why.
Up until last year, the first round alone cost me 5-7 hours of time that I was never getting back, that I could easily have just read about in the next day’s sports section. And that was before I watched the 2nd and 3rd rounds, before falling asleep, before having nightmares about Mel Kiper eating me, and before waking up and watching rounds 4-7 the next day. So yeah, I am addicted to the draft.
Anyway, this year, I decided to jot down some notes. You know, because I have a blog. And that is what bloggers do. And away we go.
Pick 1 (St. Louis Rams) - Sam Bradford, Oklahoma
Hey, anytime you can take a quarterback who hurt his shoulder so badly that he missed an entire season (well, technically, injured and then RE-injured the same shoulder) and then pay him a guaranteed $50 million, you have to do it. Ladies and gentleman, the NFL Draft!
Pick 2 (Detroit Lions) – Alphabet Suh, Nebraska
Well, even perennial Stein on the Sidelines whipping boy Matt Millen couldn’t have messed this up. Oh wait, yes he would have. He would have traded up for the first pick and then drafted DeMariyus Thomas. Because who doesn’t want a receiver who played in a Triple Option Offense? And yet, I digress.
Pick 3 (Tampa Bay Buccaneers) – Gerald McCoy, Oklahoma
Highlight of the draft: McCoy, moments after the story about his mother dying before his sophomore season was told, jogging across the stage and giving Roger Goodell the bear hug to end all bear hugs. Come on, don’t even try to tell me you didn’t get a little misty there.
Pick 4 (Washington Redskins) – Trent Williams, Oklahoma
Ahhhhh, our first “upside” pick. “Upside” is loosely defined as any player that looks like Tarzan and plays like Jane. In other words, these are guys who get coaches fired. But hey, when do the Redskins ever fire their head coach?
Pick 5 (Kansas City Chefs…that’s right, Chefs) – Eric Berry, Tennessee
The biggest difference maker in the draft, and he goes fifth. Great googly moogly NFL General Managers.
Pick 7 (Cleveland Browns) – Joe Haden, University in Florida
Cried like a girl. For no reason. Also, can’t dress. I guess it is a miracle that he didn’t wear jean shorts and a wife beater.
Pick 8 (Oakland Raiders) – Rolando McClain, Alabama
Wow, I am at a loss. There is no joke to make here. The Raiders actually made a good pick. This is who I wanted for the ‘Phins. Lose-lose. Damn you AL DAVIS!
Pick 9 (Buffalo Bills) – C.J. Spiller, Clemson
Stein on the Sidelines' Heisman Winner now gets to torch the Dolphins twice a year. DAMN YOU C.J. SPILLER!!!!
Pick 10 (Jacksonville Jaguars) – Tyson Alualu, California
HAHAHAHAHAHHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHA
(…catches breath…)
HAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHA
So, this weekend I drove to Mississippi to visit Brosef Stalin. On my way, I saw some pretty ripe bathrooms. Well, every year there’s one of these picks in the top ten that reminds me of the puddle in the middle of the gas station bathroom floor. Best case, it is just water and it serves as a breeding ground for mosquitoes and stink. Worst case, it is urine and you step in it accidentally. Either way, you lose. Great pick.
Dolphins Trade Down
I don’t know why I even consider the possibility that the Dolphins won’t let me down on draft day. Or game day. Or any day.
Pick 17 (San Francisco 49ers) – Mike Iupati, Idaho
Our first small school guy! This is the guy that has an amazing film because he is twice as big as everyone he played. I actually like the pick, but somehow I don’t see him blocking three guys at once in the NFL like he did at Idaho.
Pick 18 (Pittsburgh Steelers) – Maurkice Pouncey, University in Florida
Wearing…jean shorts, a white t-shirt, work boots and a necklace that looks like it came out of one of those claw machines. Thank you Gainesville, you’ve been great.
Pick 22 (Denver Broncos) – DeMariyus Thomas, Georgia Tech
Or as I like to call him, Kevin Dyson 2.0!
Pick 24 (Dallas Cowboys) – Dez Bryant, Oklahoma State
Or as I like to call him, Randy Moss 2.0!
Pick 25 (Denver Broncos) – Tim Tebow, University in Florida
Wearing the same shirt I wore for a 12 hour road trip through North Florida, Southwest Georgia, Alabama and Northern Mississippi the next day. Think about that.
Every year since I was 9 I have watched the first day of the NFL Draft. Do not ask me why.
Up until last year, the first round alone cost me 5-7 hours of time that I was never getting back, that I could easily have just read about in the next day’s sports section. And that was before I watched the 2nd and 3rd rounds, before falling asleep, before having nightmares about Mel Kiper eating me, and before waking up and watching rounds 4-7 the next day. So yeah, I am addicted to the draft.
Anyway, this year, I decided to jot down some notes. You know, because I have a blog. And that is what bloggers do. And away we go.
Pick 1 (St. Louis Rams) - Sam Bradford, Oklahoma
Hey, anytime you can take a quarterback who hurt his shoulder so badly that he missed an entire season (well, technically, injured and then RE-injured the same shoulder) and then pay him a guaranteed $50 million, you have to do it. Ladies and gentleman, the NFL Draft!
Pick 2 (Detroit Lions) – Alphabet Suh, Nebraska
Well, even perennial Stein on the Sidelines whipping boy Matt Millen couldn’t have messed this up. Oh wait, yes he would have. He would have traded up for the first pick and then drafted DeMariyus Thomas. Because who doesn’t want a receiver who played in a Triple Option Offense? And yet, I digress.
Pick 3 (Tampa Bay Buccaneers) – Gerald McCoy, Oklahoma
Highlight of the draft: McCoy, moments after the story about his mother dying before his sophomore season was told, jogging across the stage and giving Roger Goodell the bear hug to end all bear hugs. Come on, don’t even try to tell me you didn’t get a little misty there.
Pick 4 (Washington Redskins) – Trent Williams, Oklahoma
Ahhhhh, our first “upside” pick. “Upside” is loosely defined as any player that looks like Tarzan and plays like Jane. In other words, these are guys who get coaches fired. But hey, when do the Redskins ever fire their head coach?
Pick 5 (Kansas City Chefs…that’s right, Chefs) – Eric Berry, Tennessee
The biggest difference maker in the draft, and he goes fifth. Great googly moogly NFL General Managers.
Pick 7 (Cleveland Browns) – Joe Haden, University in Florida
Cried like a girl. For no reason. Also, can’t dress. I guess it is a miracle that he didn’t wear jean shorts and a wife beater.
Pick 8 (Oakland Raiders) – Rolando McClain, Alabama
Wow, I am at a loss. There is no joke to make here. The Raiders actually made a good pick. This is who I wanted for the ‘Phins. Lose-lose. Damn you AL DAVIS!
Pick 9 (Buffalo Bills) – C.J. Spiller, Clemson
Stein on the Sidelines' Heisman Winner now gets to torch the Dolphins twice a year. DAMN YOU C.J. SPILLER!!!!
Pick 10 (Jacksonville Jaguars) – Tyson Alualu, California
HAHAHAHAHAHHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHA
(…catches breath…)
HAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHA
So, this weekend I drove to Mississippi to visit Brosef Stalin. On my way, I saw some pretty ripe bathrooms. Well, every year there’s one of these picks in the top ten that reminds me of the puddle in the middle of the gas station bathroom floor. Best case, it is just water and it serves as a breeding ground for mosquitoes and stink. Worst case, it is urine and you step in it accidentally. Either way, you lose. Great pick.
Dolphins Trade Down
I don’t know why I even consider the possibility that the Dolphins won’t let me down on draft day. Or game day. Or any day.
Pick 17 (San Francisco 49ers) – Mike Iupati, Idaho
Our first small school guy! This is the guy that has an amazing film because he is twice as big as everyone he played. I actually like the pick, but somehow I don’t see him blocking three guys at once in the NFL like he did at Idaho.
Pick 18 (Pittsburgh Steelers) – Maurkice Pouncey, University in Florida
Wearing…jean shorts, a white t-shirt, work boots and a necklace that looks like it came out of one of those claw machines. Thank you Gainesville, you’ve been great.
Pick 22 (Denver Broncos) – DeMariyus Thomas, Georgia Tech
Or as I like to call him, Kevin Dyson 2.0!
Pick 24 (Dallas Cowboys) – Dez Bryant, Oklahoma State
Or as I like to call him, Randy Moss 2.0!
Pick 25 (Denver Broncos) – Tim Tebow, University in Florida
Wearing the same shirt I wore for a 12 hour road trip through North Florida, Southwest Georgia, Alabama and Northern Mississippi the next day. Think about that.
Also, think about this: Tebow is no doubt a great player. Everyone compliments him as an "Old School" player. Tom Jackson, one of ESPN's analysts, played for the Broncos in the 70's and is a truly old school player. The type of guy that would love Tebow. He HATED this pick. Because Tim Tebow is not a starting NFL Quarterback, and you don't draft H-Backs in the first round. Period.
Pick 28 (Miami Dolphins) – Jared Odrick, Penn State
**Bangs head against wall**
And that about did it for the first round.
Lessons?
Florida Gators are douche bags.
The more and more Roger Goodell gets hugged, the more uncomfortable he looks.
The Florida Gators cannot dress, and probably cannot spell.
And if you are 6’6”, 300 lbs. and semi-coordinated, it really does not matter how well you can play football for 4 years in pads, only how well you run for 5 seconds in shorts.
Also, I'd be remiss to leave out congratulations to 'Cane draftees Jimmy Graham, Dedrick Epps, Daryl Sharpton and Jason Fox. Go Canes!
The NFL Draft everybody!
Pick 28 (Miami Dolphins) – Jared Odrick, Penn State
**Bangs head against wall**
And that about did it for the first round.
Lessons?
Florida Gators are douche bags.
The more and more Roger Goodell gets hugged, the more uncomfortable he looks.
The Florida Gators cannot dress, and probably cannot spell.
And if you are 6’6”, 300 lbs. and semi-coordinated, it really does not matter how well you can play football for 4 years in pads, only how well you run for 5 seconds in shorts.
Also, I'd be remiss to leave out congratulations to 'Cane draftees Jimmy Graham, Dedrick Epps, Daryl Sharpton and Jason Fox. Go Canes!
The NFL Draft everybody!
