The Drum Beat Strengthens

Hello All,

A couple of things to talk about, but first there is this: we are 8 days from the opening of fall camp. And yes, I am spending half of my time watching ‘Canes highlight reels.

A figure who played a key role in a lot of those highlight reels has been in the news this week (SEGUE ALERT! SEGUE ALERT!). Allow me to take a moment to give you my thoughts on Butch Davis’ firing at UNC:

YEEEEEEEEEEEESSSSSSSSSSSSSSSSSSSSSSSSSSSSSSSSSSSSSS!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!

For those (I am sure thousands upon thousands) of you who don’t understand my hatred of Butch Davis and how I could possibly be so excited about the firing of a coach at a non-rival school who once upon a time recruited the greatest team in the history of college football for my alma mater, let me explain.

Davis, who was understandably a hot name after the 2000 season, said in the locker room after the 2001 Sugar Bowl victory over the Gators (suck one) that to leave for the NFL now would make him a “Deadbeat Dad”. Fast forward a couple of weeks. We are now one week from National Signing Day and Butch Davis is holding a press conference to announce that he has accepted the head coaching job with the Cleveland Browns.

Smart business decision? Absolutely. Would I have made the same one? Probably.

Here is the problem: HE F*CKING LIED TO MY FACE.

Allow me to give you an analogy.

You’ve been dating a girl since high school. You’ve gone through your awkward stage together, and now she has turned into a beautiful girl on the verge of greatness. However, something else comes along (a move to Europe that would offer far more money but make a relationship untenable, let’s say). You have a talk, and while regrettable and sad, the relationship ends. Everyone is ok with it.

Now, take that same girl, but let’s say she’s been ducking your calls for a while now. You ask her if everything is ok. She says it is great and she loves you. A week later you catch her in bed with some other dude. You are wrecked. You start listening to Matchbox 20 and Incubus. A lot. You are drinking whiskey out of your coffee mug at work. Your workouts are hollow because all you can see is a pathetic little boy staring back at you in the gym mirror. You blame yourself and actually buy it when she calls and says that she has Chlamydia and you HAVE to be the one who gave it to her. It is the equivalent of a person going Hiroshima on your psyche.

(This just got weird, didn't it?)

Butch Davis leaving Miami was the latter. So I am glad Karma came for him. I am glad his artificially enhanced program is going to come down a notch or two. I am glad that UNC finally manned up and did something they should have done a while ago. The only thing that would make me happier?

If the news was delivered to Butch while he was in bed with kidney stones.

And now, back to your regularly scheduled blog post.

My buddies and I were talking one time about how awesome a reality show made up solely of the uniting illegitimate children of professional athletes like Shawn Kemp, Travis Henry and Antonio Cromartie would be (really I was doing the talking and they were shaking their heads in complete disbelief). I’m not sure whether the show would turn into The Illegitimate Justice League as all the characters united to fight crime or The Illegitimate Bad Girls Club (no explanation necessary), but I do know for a fact it would be fun as hell to watch.

(Think of the plotlines!! The Parents’ Television Council would go nuts!!!)

For that reason, the 2008 Miami Hurricanes running back corps is perhaps my favorite of all time, as it featured 5 running backs, 4 of which had one or more child (not mentioning names), and only one of whom was married.


It also featured Damien Berry (who was changing positions from safety) and a precocious Graig Cooper, two rocks of this position group, who have now moved on to greener pastures. (SEGUE ALERT! SEGUE ALERT!)

Last season saw the crescendo of Berry and Coop as ‘Canes, one going out with a bang (Berry, who lead the team in rushing and was arguably under-used) and one with a whimper (Cooper, who clearly was at no better than 80% after knee surgery and probably should have redshirted). The ‘Canes also lose Pat Hill, a reliable road grader at fullback whose contribution will probably be masked by more multiple tight end sets this season, and Storm Johnson (sorry Julie Rose) , who flashed promise in the USF game with a 70+ yard touchdown run but transferred after managing to clash with both Randy Shannon AND Al Golden. Possibly because he smokes A LOT of pot and has a dad that rivals Ornette Howard. Just sayin’.

(By the way, there is a real possibility that 15 years from now Damien Berry will be concluding his NFL career and The U will feature 5 players sprung from his loins. I am very excited.)

SIDENOTE: Not sure if my friend Russo will ever talk to me again now that Cooper is gone. We might have a whole bunch of eras ending all at once here. It’s a weird time to be Stein on the Sidelines.

Returning are the always reliable Mike James (underrated) and the brilliant Lamar Miller (great but I am starting to fear that he might be overhyped), among others.

Sadly, the particularly fertile group of 2008 has all moved on now, but the specter of their virility will linger for years to come. I can only hope and pray that this year’s squad steps up to the plate to replace the heart and…ahem…production that has been lost.

RB

Mike James, Jr.

James is the sort of “Ol Reliable” that every team needs. He will consistently account for positive plays, can catch the ball out of the backfield, can block well enough to play fullback, and has the juice to break off the occasional 40 yard burst. He also plays his ass off and is the type of guy you put on a poster for your program.

Ceiling: Leads the team in rushing and plays a huge role in a new ball control offense.
Floor: Really doesn’t have one…This gimmick is already getting old isn’t it?

Lamar Miller, So.

Faster than greased lightning and showed it last year. Is easily the most exciting player on the roster since Devin Hester and will be the most important player on the offense not names “Whoever the hell ends up playing quarterback”. To listen to fans talk he is Willis McGahee with Jim Brown and Walter Payton mixed in. We will see if that works out…first, he needs to stay healthy.

Ceiling: Tecmo Bowl Bo Jackson
Floor: Tecmo Bowl Mark Higgs (yes, I am a scarred Dolphins fan)

Darion Hall, So.

Hall has the potential to be very effective as a thick back that can also break the long run, but he has not yet gotten a carry that counts for anything and is therefore unproven.

Ceiling: James Jackson said he was the best back in the state his senior year of high school…that would be nice.
Floor: Falters when called upon.

Maurice Hagens, So.

Hagens is a beast who is going to become a tailback after the fullback position was essentially eliminated by the new scheme. Look for him to be used as a hammer who can punch holes in a tired defense and close near the goal line, something which was lacking last season.

Ceiling: James Stewart
Floor: Jerrell Mabry (This is fairly recent; who could forget the great fullback-that-should-have-been-a-defensive-tackle-and-kind-of-looked-like-Ice Cube?)

Kevin Grooms, Fr.

Grooms is the jet brought in for this recruiting class that really doesn’t have a position yet, but he figures to get some change-of-pace carries. He will always be a threat to go the distance and looks like a tough little cookie. Maybe he will be used as Devin Hester was supposed to be used.

Ceiling: Albert Bentley (Google it)
Floor: Redshirt

Always guard the inbound passer.

The Church of Coach Taylor

“Give all of us gathered here tonight the strength to remember that life is so very fragile. We are all vulnerable, and we will all, at some point in our lives... fall. We will all fall. We must carry this in our hearts... that what we have is special. That it can be taken from us, and when it is taken from us, we will be tested. We will be tested to our very souls. We will now all be tested. It is these times, it is this pain, that allows us to look inside ourselves.” – Coach Eric Taylor


On Friday night, the lights went out in Dillon one last time (I should work for NBC). And true to the words of Coach Taylor that ended the pilot episode of Friday Night Lights, this pain allows us to look inside.

Friday Night Lights is the best network show I have ever watched. It is also my favorite. There is a distinction between the two to be made, as Chuck Klosterman and others have discussed lately around the internet.

I own the first three seasons of Miami Vice on DVD. I was literally obsessed with LOST, to the point that my friend Josh and I used to talk for an hour on the phone every night following an episode during the final season (I’m a nerd, sue me).

The Lights was better than both.

Miami Vice really only had a couple of seasons throwing a 98 mph fastball before it jumped the shark. It was revolutionary, but faded quickly. It was Dwight Gooden. When it ended, you can almost imagine that die hard viewers had either already stopped caring or were happy it was being mercy-killed.

LOST was fantastic and kept me glued to the screen, but as the finale approached I looked forward to it. I wanted to know what happened.

With this show, I dreaded the finale. Of course I was anxious to see what happened; however, this angst was not enthusiasm in disguise. It was the realization that with every minute of the finale that went by, I was one minute closer to never having a new episode of this show to watch. Ever. And that really sucked.

When The Lights (as it is known around Casa de Bro and the Stein Family household) debuted, I quickly fell in love with Coach Taylor and his wife Tammie.

Coach Taylor, much like my own father, represented a lot of what I thought true men were supposed to be about. An emphasis was placed on brevity. Family and loved ones always come first. The strong silences, the brutal honesty, the self deprecation and the aura of complete and total respect at all times are the trademarks that his character, my favorite in the history of television, have indelibly left behind.

It took me a little while but I fell in love with Tim Riggins, the alcoholic, troubled fullback who was a total prick at times but at the end the type of kid you wanted in your corner. We also watched as Taylor Kitsch, the actor who portrayed him, evolved in to an absolute force of nature.

I fell in love with Smash Williams, the flamboyant star running back who was in many ways the heart and soul of the bunch.

I fell in love with Matt Saracen, the gritty, overachieving quarterback who dated the coach’s daughter.

I fell in love with Minka Kelly. Not her character, Lyla Garrity, so much as the actress. Let’s be real, she wasn’t on the show for her acting chops. But at least she has given me another reason to hate Derek Jeter now (while at the same time giving me yet another reason to respect the hell out of Derek Jeter).

As the show grew on I fell for a new cast of characters: Becky Sproles, Jess Merriweather, Luke Cafferty and of course Vince Howard.

We watched Buddy Garrity evolve from a semi-sleazy self-interested hanger-on to a lovable rebel caught up in a grass roots movement…and maybe back again.

We watched Coach continue to be Coach and Mrs. Coach continue to be Mrs. Coach; the true bedrock of this show was the dynamic between the two which was not always smooth but was always solid. Such was their chemistry that we routinely wondered whether the on-screen romance had spilled off-screen. We were not the only ones.

However, more important than the individual characters was the story that was told.

This was small town Texas…and more importantly, small town America… to a T. The fact that the show could seem so outlandish and still ring true is a testament to both the actors and the writers and a reflection of how out of whack the “reality” of most television shows has become.

“Really, an entire episode about a ‘slam page’?”

“Really, an entire radio station devoted to covering a high school football team?”

“Really, they’re going to fire the coach and create an entirely new football team just to clear the way for a freshman quarterback with a cannon for an arm?”

These all seemed impossibly contrived, and for someone from LA or New York they probably are.

But this is a world I lived in. I lived in Texas. I lived in Wisconsin. I lived in Georgia. I lived in Florida. These are by and large rural states that are obsessed with football.

In small towns, this shit really happens. High school sports take on importance that you would never think. There ARE boosters and there ARE tiger parents who all have their own agenda. There ARE radio stations that debate the on-field and off-field merits of 15 year old kids.

(The whole “conspriring to kill the attempted rapist” plot line, however, WAS more than a little contrived and the reason why Season 2 is something I’d rather hadn’t happened.)

There ARE teen pregnancies. There ARE abortions. There ARE lynch mobs that form in the Bible Belt when one of these two happens.

In real life, dancing at a strip club is oftentimes just another job for women who couldn’t go to college and happen to have the body for it. It is perfectly conceivable for the women that do it to leave the strip club and be normal people.

Perhaps that was the real strength of this show. By breaking away from stereotypes and showing the duality of man, this show actually seemed MORE contrived. Its immense realism made it in the eyes of many unrealistic. Think about that.

Strippers aren’t supposed to be good people, they are supposed to be bimbos and floosies and trailer trash.

The tough guy coach is not supposed to be the softy dad with his high school babe of an older daughter and the new baby who actually looks like an alien. He is not supposed to admit when his wife is “kicking his ass” in an argument.

The tough kid from the ‘hood who grew up without his imprisoned father is not supposed to admit weakness.

This is not the world that is, at least according to conventional television standards.

But in real life, there is always a flip side. That is what this show did best: it highlighted ambiguity.

The Lights finally got its long overdue Emmy nomination for Best Drama this week. It is fitting that it happens as the show goes off the air; this was a show that for whatever reason never did as well as it should have. After two seasons, NBC had to work out a deal with DirecTV to move the show to The 101 in order to avoid cancellation. Money is never the friend of critically acclaimed but little watched programming.

It essentially became the only reverse-repurpose situation that I know of, where it aired first on a non-broadcast (in this case satellite) channel before airing on a broadcast network later in the year.

Indeed, this was a theme: The Lights never got the respect it deserved. As an avid viewer, I resent the fact that NBC did such a shitty job of positioning the show, both in its marketing schemes and on its schedule. I resent that more people didn’t watch just ONE episode, because one was all it took to get you.

And yet, similar to a hipster, I am glad to be part of the group that knew about this show that no one else seemed to. It felt small town and intimate. Maybe it is better that it never took off like LOST did and avoided all the pressure and stunts that come along with huge exposure. Maybe I am happy that I got five good seasons (well, 4 good seasons) out of my beloved show and then got to see it retire on top, like Jordan hitting the jumper against Utah or Jay Z leaving after The Black Album (ignore the fact that both unretired). Maybe all the people that didn’t watch can go screw themselves.

This is they type of show that is destined to become a cult classic, much like The Wire. In its DVD life, it will gain popularity. The same people who were too busy watching bullshit like Glee when it actually needed the viewers will talk to me years from now about how great this show was. And much like hipsters feel when one of their groups (like Foster the People or Florence and the Machine) hit it big, I will have a knowing smirk on my face, a look that says I was there before anyone else. “Now you finally get it.”

By any conventional standard for television, this show failed. It never posted even decent ratings. It has been nominated a few times but never won anything at the Emmys.

Despite that, it was around for 5 seasons in the day and age of shows getting cancelled after two episodes.

It is the only show I remember that my entire family watched and enjoyed together, including my mom.

(I guess Wipeout! also qualifies but when it is cancelled I will not be eulogizing it)

It was supposedly a show about football, but as anyone who has watched it can tell you, football always took a backseat to the stories that were being told. It was just like the book that inspired it all: a town, a team and a dream. This show was more than a show. It was church, and Coach Taylor was the pastor.

My roommate and I watched the finale together on Friday night. We bought a six pack of Lonestar and a six pack of Shiner Bock (clearly the superior choice, for the record; there’s a reason it is the National Beer of Texas) and wore our boots and then went silent as the end unfolded in front of us.

And when it was done, we didn’t look at each other for a while.

The room had gotten a little dusty for both of us, and to look away from the screen would not only betray a weakness that Coach Taylor would never have, but also serve to acknowledge that our favorite show was now gone forever.

Instead we drank our beer in silence until finally I picked up the remote and turned the tube off.

I got up and poured us each a shot of Jack.

It was obvious what the toast would be.

“Clear eyes, full hearts, can’t lose”.

Amen.

The Readiness Is All

Hello All,

Decided to throw a little curveball today... And by throw a curveball I mean post something that is so ridiculous that it makes me trying to come up with quips about the University of Miami’s backfield roster and posting it on a blog that roughly a dozen people read seem logical.

And yet, I digress.

Last week, I was reading an article about the fall of Roger Federer at Wimbledon. Brian Phillips made a reference involving Hamlet and a footnote including several other famous protagonists of Shakespearean tragedies.

And that got me thinking about Shakespeare and sports at large.

And since it was the Thursday before a long holiday weekend and I was playing pickup basketball later in the day, it got me thinking which two characters I would want to complete a team for 3 on 3.

And then I figured I would entertain myself by asking others in my office who they would take.

And then I started thinking who would win in a Sweet 16 Bracket of Shakespeare.

And then on Friday night at a bar, I asked someone else.

And then all weekend I thought about it.

And here we are.

I have constructed a bracket, fairly randomly, and pretty much at my own discretion after I listened to the picks of others. I have assigned each a seed 1-4, and assigned them in to regions. There are famous characters not on here. There are some seemingly random ones which I included.

I also have chosen to ignore the potential that, in the world of Shakespeare, any one of these characters might actually kill each other if they, I don’t know, breathed on each other wrong.

I think I have a pretty good knowledge of Shakespeare, but by no means am I an expert. There are surely good characters I am not including.

I’d actually love to hear some opinions on how I effed this up.

Having said all that (couched? Hedged?), here is how I see this little shindig playing out:

Region 1

1- MacBeth
2- Laertes
3- Brutus
4- Cassio/Cassius (Play-In Winner)

MacBeth, as far as I am concerned is the number one seed in the tournament. Two words sum him up best: Fucking Bloodbath.

Laertes gets points for killing Hamlet, an all time annoying character.

Brutus is essentially a good dude whose tragic flaws are honor and patriotism…guys like that have a spot in the tournament. Plus “Et tu Brutus” is an all time inscription for your tombstone. And Gus Johnson has earned the right to scream it as we send the game into the first commercial break following a made three pointer.

Cassio and Cassius are two names that are too similar and always confused me, although they are completely different characters. I only want one of them in my tournament, but both deserve a shot.

Region 2

1- Othello
2- MacDuff
3- Claudius
4- Romeo/Cleopatra (Play- In Winner)

Othello is a one seed for the obvious reasons: assumed to be athletic (racist?), highly decorated general, etc. 90% of the people I asked about this would have made him the number one pick. The Number 2 overall seed will have to do.

MacDuff is MacBeth’s foil and a sneaky 2 seed.

Claudius is kind of a prick, what with the whole fratricide matter, but he had the smarts to have Laertes do it for him. Know what that tells me? “Knows how to get the ball in the hands of his playmakers”.

Romeo is in here because he is only slightly smarter than Cleopatra, who I consider to be the role model for the typical stupid girl who doesn’t know what she wants. Really Romeo, not gonna check to make sure she’s actually dead before you swallow the poison? Really? Moron. I want neither of them in this tournament but I feel like the female readers (both of them) would be outraged (OUTRAGED!) if neither appeared.

Region 3

1- King Lear
2- Mercutio
3- Lady MacBeth
4- Hippolyta

King Lear is a number one seed because, well, he is more famous than the guy who is the 2 here….

…Mercutio. Total badass, started strong but lost himself a little down the stretch. Still, a threat to catch fire and just murder everyone. Not literally. Well, maybe a little. Second most popular number one pick in my mock drafts, as well.

Lady MacBeth is the ultimate nagging wife and deserves a spot in this tournament for no other reason than the fact that she is the most powerful character in probably the 3rd best Shakespeare play.

Hippolyta is the Queen of the Amazons and the daughter of Ares. She has a magic girdle. A fucking MAGIC GIRDLE.

Yes, this is the group of death.

Region 4

1- Hamlet
2- Marc Antony
3- Iago
4- Puck

This is the crazy bracket. 1-4, anyone could take it on any given day. Hamlet stealing a one seed is like when St. Joseph’s dominates a terrible Atlantic 10 behind Jameer Nelson and Delonte West and before we know it they are 32-1 and in the Sweet 16.

Marc Antony is a 2 because he steamrolled his way through the regular season in chase of the one thing he wants more than anything else…although not always rationally.

Iago is my sleeper pick for the whole tournament. He is the definition of everything that is evil. He is a user of people. If I had to think of a real life equivalent, I’d make a basketball version of Ivan Drago. Wait, you mean making up a player based on a fake boxer is not a “real life equivalent”? Oops. Anyway, no one wants the guy to win but deep down they know it’s coming.

(Unless he is playing the Heat, in which case everyone in this country would find it within themselves to root for him if he is a German guy with blonde hair and blue eyes. Not that I am bitter. And yet, I digress.)

Puck is literally an elf. Keep an eye on him though. J.J. Barea just won an NBA Title. Fact. J.J. Barea is doinking Miss Universe. Fact.

Round 1

Macbeth vs. Cassius

Cassio is a gentleman who rises to rank of general…mostly because he is a gentleman. He’s like the genius offensive coordinator who becomes a system coach that gets by on gimmicks. Uh uh. Not working in this tournament.

This sets up the interesting matchup between MacBeth, who is a merciless killer but able to be manipulated (see: Macbeth, The Lady), and Cassius, who persuaded Brutus, a good man, TO KILL THE CAESAR. Kind of.

Anyway, MacBeth probably comes out a little stiff as Cassius starts with the trash talk early on and gets him thinking. We’ll even say Cassius might be winning at the half. However, in the locker room MacBeth realizes that Cassius can’t withhold sex from him and comes out angry. Heads roll. Not literally.

Laertes vs. Brutus

Two pawns match up in the first round. I give the slight edge to Brutus, who seems more able, as he at least survived after the murder of Caesar for long enough to raise an army and a little hell. Close until the end, but Brutus wins when Laertes hurts himself in the middle of an intentional foul (NERDY JOKE!) in the final five minutes.

Othello vs. Cleopatra

Romeo loses the first round after misreading the scoreboard at the end (NERDY JOKE!), thinking he was down 3 instead of tied, which leads to a bad, quick shot, an easy rebound for Cleo and a breakaway layup to end the game.

Othello hates the very idea of Cleopatra’s infidelity and runs her off the court. Not even close.

MacDuff vs. Claudius

Without his pawn, Claudius is doomed. MacDuff makes quick work of him early and then sends a scare into MacBeth, who is nervously watching the game to scout his potential future competition, by walking off the court. Literally, just walking. (NERDY JOKE!)

Hamlet vs. Puck

The first major upset of the tournament!! The trickster (as literally every description I have read of the character labels him) uses a wide assortment of floaters in the lane, pesky defense and a few lucky bounces to take out the 1 seed. In the clutch, Hamlet can’t keep it together. As Brian Phillips described:

He was indecisive. He was slow to act. He looked like he'd rather be in a grove
somewhere getting depressed about epistemology than knifing the motherfucker who X'd his dad.

Marc Antony vs. Iago

Iago plays the whole game with a handkerchief hanging out the back of his shorts that looks like the fabric of a dress Cleopatra wore once. Antony is in control at one point, but he lets Iago get in his head and does something stupid (NERDY JOKE!).

King Lear vs. Hippolyta

Lear’s craziness would undo most foes, but Hippolyta’s Godly bloodlines keep her calm. The fact that she is probably 7 feet tall (ya know…QUEEN OF THE AMAZONS) doesn’t hurt either. Hippolyta in the upset!

King Lear is later found dead at sea on board a catamaran. If you get that reference, you really are a true basketball fan.

Mercutio vs. Lady MacBeth

Mercutio didn’t come here to mess around. He is sick of everyone’s crap and is making no bones about it. The Lady never had a shot. Besides, I want “Perfect Wingman” to beat “Murderous, Overbearing Wife” every single time. And this is my bracket, damn it!

Round 2

MacBeth vs. Brutus

MacBeth is now on edge after MacDuff’s victory, which strangely works in his favor. He is the rare player that gets better as he gets angrier…he is the closest thing to Jordan we have in this tournament.

Othello vs. MacDuff

Honestly, this is a bit of a coin flip. I can’t think of anything to base this off other than Othello’s overwhelming physical gifts (racist?) and battlefield training. Othello is a close one.

Iago vs. Puck

Puck keeps his hot streak going and takes it right into Iago’s chest from the jump. Iago is a finesse guy, preferring to operate in the background and hang back while things go to hell around him. His mental games don’t work on the elf, who knows how to handle himself after a lifetime of short jokes, and Iago’s lack of athleticism is exposed.

Mercutio vs. Hippolyta

This is the best game of the tournament to this point, going to three overtimes as the two battle back and forth. Mercutio is a force of nature, but Hippolyta was made for the physical play of this tournament. This is JJ Reddick vs. Tyler Hansbrough: the flamboyant scorer vs. the Meat-N-Potatoes banger.

After this game, everyone realizes that these were both 1 seeds and that next year there should be re-seeding after the first round. In the end, it is too late to save Mercutio, who plays every minute so hard that he is barely able to stay upright by the end.

Final Four

MacBeth vs. Puck

This is where things get interesting. Puck surely has won the hearts and minds of the people. MacBeth comes out strong, but looks up at halftime and is only up 4. MacBeth spends halftime brooding and tries to impose his sheer will on Puck as the second half commences… but Puck keeps pace. Down the stretch, Puck is able to get to the hole at will as MacBeth’s paranoia raises with his temper and he begins to take bad chances. Puck keeps him off balance and pulls away as MacBeth fold within himself at the buzzer. DO YOU BELIEVE IN MIRACLES?!

Puck’s fans stay around for the next game in hopes of watching a second 4 over 1 upset in one evening.

Othello vs. Hippolyta

The two best physical specimens in the tourney, Othello is up 12 with three minutes left when he gets cocky. Think LeBron and Crew having a parade before the season…or Othello throwing a party because a storm destroyed the enemy army at Cyprus (NERDY JOKE!).

Does it ever work out? No.

And it doesn’t here either. The crowd goes wild as two 4 seeds advance to the final!

Finals

Puck vs. Hippolyta

This is the classic Dwight Howard vs. Chris Paul argument.

(We’ve all had it, right? Right? RIGHT?!)

Both have magical capability, which cancels each other out. In the end, this turns into the type of boring clash of styles that throws both teams off their rhythm and puts an emphasis on defense and sheer endurance. After two straight epic games, Hippolyta is gassed late in the game, and Puck takes advantage, going on a Kemba Walker-like 6/7 run in the final twelve minutes to seal the game and with it the title.

David takes down Goliath.

Gus Johnson hyperventilates.

Puck scores a date with Marissa Miller.

A record number of births are seen exactly nine months later.

Hippolyta does more for Women’s Equality than Billie Jean King could ever dream.

No more time is wasted by Stein on the Sidelines creating an imaginary basektball tournament of imaginary literary figures from half a century ago.

All is right.

Always guard the inbound passer.