Thursday, December 15, 2011

Bowl EXTRAVAGANZA!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!

Hello All,

After turning down the Arizona State and UCLA head coaching jobs (ZING!), Stein on the Sidelines is back to bring you the third annual Bowl Predictions Blog.

Sadly, Miami will not be in a bowl this year. Although, let’s be real, is it that sad? I know the Kraft Fight Hunger Bowl is a game filled with tons of history and tradition, but the matchup with 6-7 UCLA probably would have just been…ironic? Sad? Not really sure what to call it. Just wouldn’t have felt right without Troy Aikman’s ankle to snap (HEY-O!).

(For the record, that is two UCLA jokes already and we are just getting warmed up.)

Anyway, on to the bowls, where yes, we have to watch Louisiana Lafayette play even though we no longer will get to watch the East Dillon Lions play. Sad times.

Season record coming in: 68-28. What up.

Gildan New Mexico Bowl- Temple over Wyoming

Famous Idaho Potato Bowl- Utah State over Ohio

R&L Carriers New Orleans Bowl- San Diego State over Ooh La La (I mean Louisiana Lafayette)

So glad we have this many bowl games, otherwise we wouldn’t get to watch games sponsored by potatoes and played in such exotic locales as Albuquerque.

Quick, what does Gildan make?

*Types it in to Google*

Give up?

Gildan is, as far as I can tell from looking over the top results on the internet, a company that makes t-shirts which you can buy and customize. Yep, there are so many bowls that they are able to sponsor one. Glad we did this.

Speaking of Google results, did ANYone else here know that the top result when you type in Craig James on Google is “Craig James killed 5 hookers”? Not kidding. Look it up. Before you even get to "Craig JA" it pops up. Try it. Right now. Do I believe that CRAIG JAMES KILLED FIVE HOOKERS? Not at all, but is it really that far out of the question? F you Craig James, f you. I hope you win your senate seat and I never have to listen to your bullshit again. F YOU.

Beef O’ Brady’s St. Petersburg Bowl- FIU over Marshall

Everyone wins here. T.Y. Hilton has a solo stage on ESPN for the last game of his career, which I am willing to bet he will gain 400+ yards in. Marshall gets a trip to beautiful St. Petersburg (they’re from effing West Virginia, lay off). Miami fans get to watch a future Hurricane head coach in Mario Crisotbal (who I am pretty sure will one day look like the Most Interesting Man in the World). Win-win-win in the words of Michael Scott of a show that I used to watch called The Office. I recommend people check it out. Kind of a cult classic, had a good few seasons and then just disappeared.

Oh wait, The Office is still on? This is awkward. Gotta love NBC though. The UCLA of broadcasters.

San Diego Credit Union Poinsiettia Bowl- TCU over Louisiana Tech

I literally fell asleep on the keyboard while typing the name of that game and had to delete 4 pages of “hhhhhhhhh” before I posted this.

MAACO Las Vegas Bowl- Boise State over Arizona State

So let me get this straight. Boise loses one game to a top 15 team (TCU) on a last second field goal. They beat Georgia, the winner of the SEC East (might as well be God because, you know, it is the SEC). They have a quarterback who, save for three missed field goals, would have finished his career undefeated (Kellen Moore) in 9 years as a starter. Let’s be clear: that is a better resume than Arkansas. And yet, here they are, in the MAACO Las Vegas Bowl. Against 6-6 Arizona State, losers of 5 straight and playing without a coach. BCS! BCS! BCS!

Sheraton Hawaii Bowl- Nevada over Southern Miss

After costing Conference USA the $10+ million that would have come with Houston’s birth in the Sugar Bowl, Southern Miss loses their coach but gets a trip to Hawaii. They will lose this game, but they might run in to Stein on the Sidelines top 4 woman on Earth Grace Park. Google her. Trust me, it is a better use of your time than reading this meandering blog post.

AdvoCare V100 Independence Bowl- UNC over Mizzou

This game used to be a good one. I think. Maybe. Seems like it should have been, right? Anyway, I don’t know why I am picking UNC. Call it a hunch. Although Mizzou is a new member of the SEC (yeah, it IS weird) and this is smack dab in the middle of the bayou. I don’t know. Who cares?

Little Caesars Bowl- Purdue over Western Michigan

And we have reached that time where we talk about the best songs of the year. This one is simple. Who didn’t love “Rolling in the Deep”? Find me one person. You know who didn’t love that song? Qaddafi. Bin Laden. Look what happened to them. All I’m saying.

Album of the year: Watch the Throne. This was not only a well constructed album but also a bit of a social movement (hell of a lot better than OWS too).

Other gems from the world of music this year, and keep in mind that Stein on the Sidelines is oftentimes late to the party with music:

Dog Days Are Over- Florence + The Machine
The Brothers Album- The Black Keys
Finally Famous- Big Sean
R.E.D- The Game
Dirt Road Anthem- Jason Aldean
Take a Back Road- Rodney Atkins
The Zac Brown Band
The Band Perry
Hell on Heels- Pistol Annies

This was a bad year for music. Lil’ Wayne and Drake both dropped shitty albums that we waited a long time for. Justin Bieber and Taylor Swift still exist. The chick who sang “Friday” became a national sensation. The Grammy’s, for whatever reason, did not nominate Kanye’s Dark Twisted Fantasy for ANYTHING.

(That’s right. Maybe the best album since his debut for the most talented man working -yes he’s an asshole but I don’t care- didn’t get a sniff. I hate everyone.)

Music really just kind of blows right now. Turn on the radio (which I do for about 2 full hours every day) and it is seemingly the same techno beat over and over again with usually a generic rapper trying to SING over it. However, amid the interminable dross, there is always something good to find. And I would always rather talk about this than Purdue or Western Michigan. Unless I was talking to Bobby Knight. Because he is “sick of losing to FUCKIN PURDUE” and I laugh every time I hear him say it.

The Belk Bowl- Louisville over NC State

Yes, Belk now has a bowl game too. And great deals on Seersucker Blazers this weekend I heard.
Military Bowl presented by Northrop Grumman- Air Force over Toledo

I will be watching this game actually. I don’t know why, but this game mildly excites me.

Bridgepoint Education Holiday Bowl- Texas over Cal

This game used to mean something. BYU won a national title in this game one time. Now it means watching a mediocre team play an underachieving one. I am noticing a theme here…

Champs Sports Bowl- FSU over Notre Dame

By a lot. Loser has to settle for a Top 10 pre-season ranking (again) and only getting a hand jibber from Mark May. Winner gets a Top 4 pre-season ranking (again) and a full on beej from Lou Holtz. Hopefully no one shreds their knee on the shitty Citrus Bowl turf. Although on the other hand…no. Bad Dan. Do not wish harm unto others. Whoooooo saaaaaaaaa…

Valero Alamo Bowl- Baylor over Washington

We are starting to hit our stride here. Love RG3. Keith Price might be next year’s version. Lots of points will be scored. Baylor will win. And this might be the most intriguing non- BCS game.

Bell Helicopter Armed Forced Bowl- Tulsa over BYU

Insert Mitt Romney joke. Or a UCLA joke. We haven't had one in a few paragraphs.

New Era Pinstripe Bowl- Rutgers over Iowa State

Gift basket for both teams provided by Derek Jeter. The greatest man in the history of men.

Franklin American Mortgage Music City Bowl- Mississippi State over Wake Forest

S-E-C! S-E-C! S-E-C!

Insight Bowl- Oklahoma over Iowa

And we are back in a rut of endless bullshit.

Meineke Car Care of Texas Bowl- Texas A&M over Northwestern

The Aggies overcome their lack of a head coach (and a team in the second half) and are buoyed by the home crowd to a win.

Hyundai Sun Bowl- Utah over Georgia Tech

And in a weird twist, CBS gets fewer viewers for this year’s game than last year’s Miami vs. Notre Dame matchup. Who’d have thunk it?

AutoZone Liberty Bowl- Vanderbilt over Cincinnatti

S-E-C! S-E-C! S-E-C!

Kraft Fight Hunger- 0-0 Draw between UCLA and Illinois

HERE WE GO! I…just…wow. Both teams finished with at least 6 losses. UCLA finished with 7 and then begged their way in to a bowl game anyway. They will surely lose this game if either team actually scores. They will then be 6-8…and Pac 12 South Champions. Gotta feel good about that conference.

These teams are both so wretchedly bad that NEITHER will have their coach for this game. Yep. Both teams fired their coach. It is a remarkably awful matchup. It is Bizarro World Rose Bowl.

Here are things I would rather do on New Year’s Eve than watch this game (which I am sure I will watch anyway, like a car crash):

Sleep
Gargle Bombay Sapphire Gin
Eat a cilantro pizza (I effing hate cilantro)
Sit through “New Year’s Eve” in theaters
Watch Western Michigan vs. Purdue
Sleep
Sleep
Sleep

THIS is the reason we have too many bowl games. Blood is on your hands NCAA.

Chick Fil- A Bowl: Virginia over Auburn

Because one of these teams is replacing two coordinators and their top player on offense. And that team is not Virginia.

Ticket City Bowl- Houston vs. Penn State

Nice consolation prize for Houston. Sure, they don’t get the national media exposure and payout of a BCA game, but they still get to beat the hell out of Penn State, which let’s be real, is high on everyone’s list right now.

Outback Bowl- Georgia over Michigan State

Despite Drew Stanton’s dazzling blue eyes.

Capital One Bowl- Cackalacky over Nebraska

Does anyone else confuse this game with the Outback Bowl?

Taxslayer.com Gator Bowl- Ohio State over UiF

I’m just saying it would not be the worst thing ever if someone cut the brake lines on these team buses. Sad? Of course. But I would recover.

Rose Bowl- Oregon over Wisconsin

Oregon is REALLY fast. I mean REALLY fast. Fast like a Wisconsin player running from a marijuana screening (hey-o!).

Fiesta Bowl- Oklahoma State over Stanford

The winner of this one will give the winner of the other semi-final, LSU vs. Alabama, a hell of a game. Oh wait, that’s right. Silly me.

Sugar Bowl- Michigan over Virginia Tech

Hmmmm…I don’t have anything witty to say here. We must be nearing the end.

Cotton Bowl- Arkansas over Kansas State

Some things change, but at least Bobby Petrino will always be a dickhead.

BBVA Compass Bowl- SMU over Pitt

As Pitt struggles to find its 4th coach in just over a year. Wait, 4 EFFING COACHES?! That can’t be right.

*Looks it up*

Nope, it’s right alright. Jackie Sherrill is disgusted somewhere as he dives headfirst in to a pile of prostitutes.

GoDaddy.com Bowl- Northern Illinois over Arkansas State

As I like to call, the “Turd in the Punch” Bowl. Can we combine the UCLA and Illinois teams and instead of having a football game have a three way, Hell in a Cell cage match?

"Oh my God, that's Kevin Prince's music!!!"

BCS National Title Game- LSU over Alabama

For some strange reason, I feel like we have seen this game before.

Go to Vegas and bet the money line on all these games as I advised. If you’re an idiot.

Always guard the inbound passer.