Monday, December 23, 2013

Rustled Athletic Bowl Hate Week



The good news? We are back in a bowl!!

The bad news? It is in Orlando.

This week the Canes face off in the HISTORIC Rustled Russell Athletic Bowl from beautiful Orlando. And man, I couldn’t have picked a better opponent. 

Oh, Louisville…you make Cincinnati look like a metropolis. Louisville is like Savannah’s redhead, methed out step brother. 

Louisville has positioned itself the past few weeks as Miami’s equal, in that they have a bunch of Miami kids on their roster and once upon a time Howard Schnellenberger coached there.
Allow me to address these one at a time.

First, Lousiville, you are NOT Miami’s equal. You see, a few years back (2006), Lousiville beat a REALLY BAD Miami team, in Louisville…and hasn’t shut  up about it since. 

That team had an offense comprised of Kyle Wright at quarterback, the Poo Poo Platter of Freshman Javarris James, Fat Tyrone Moss (dude seriously weighed like 260 lbs that season) and Charlie Jones at running back, and the following receivers: Lance Leggett (my single least favorite Cane of all time), Darnell Jenkins, Sam Shields and Ryan Hill(both were so good at receiver that they were moved to defensive back). Things were so bad that the punter, Brian Monroe, got action as a receiver in practice that year. JERELL EFFING MABRY HAD A CATCH FOR US IN THIS GAME.

That is the team you beat, Louisville. Congrats. I am pretty sure me and 10 buddies from my dorm floor could have hung tough for 3 quarters in that game.

SIDENOTE: This game represented a low point for a young Dan Stein. I had been dumped, in pretty brutal fashion, the night before by my longtime high school girlfriend. I hadn’t really told anyone yet. I looked forward all week to this game…after all; the one constant, awesome presence in my life was Canes football. Then this happened. After the demolition was over, my mom called to ask if I was ok. She had seen news of the breakup ON FACEBOOK. I crawled into my bed and did not leave til the next morning. My friends left me alone. They knew.
Devin Hester Devin Hester-ing the 2004 Cards.

Anyway, Louisville now thinks they own Miami because of that game and subsequent wins on the baseball field and basketball court. Seriously. When our mascot engaged in a bit of Twitter trash talk with theirs (2013 y’all!), the other side’s volley included a picture of a basketball championship ring. And that, folks, is Louisville in a nutshell.

Now, about this Schnellenberger thing. Yes, he coached there. Yes, he saved them from the scrap heap and made them respectable. NO, WHAT HE DID THERE IS NOT ANYWHERE CLOSE TO WHAT HE DID AT MIAMI.

At Miami, he built the “greatest empire since the Roman.”
At Louisville, he got funding for an on campus stadium.

The best team in Louisville history was one of the following: 1991 (beat a thoroughly non-plussed Alabama team in the Fiesta Bowl), 2004 (Miami came back and beat them on national television in pretty shocking fashion), 2012 (beat a thoroughly unmotivated Florida team in the Sugar Bowl) or this year (went 11-1 in the AAC…if you don’t know what that is, it’s all the schools no one wanted from the old Big East, plus Louisville).

Anyone want to trade legacies with Louisville? EVEN CLEMSON THINKS YOUR PROGRAM IS OVERRATED, LOUISVILLE.

Finally, yes, Louisville has a lot of Miami kids on their roster. Aside from Teddy Bridgewater, who is legitimately awesome, the kids that go to Louisville from Miami are usually unable to qualify elsewhere. If you see one of the following on a kid’s short list, it is usually a good bet that they might have some grades issues: Louisville, Marshall, West Virginia, Ole Miss. 

Let me reiterate. Miami public schools are amongst the bottom 5% in the nation, and football players ain’t exactly known for being cracker jack students. Louisville is their safety school. 

And just in case you guys think that is a low blow, most Lousiville fans either can’t read this or are so drunk on Fireball shots already that it doesn’t matter.

Anyway, let’s get to the actual game. Louisville, as annoying as they are, is actually a damned good football team. I do not expect to beat them.

Bridgewater, a former longtime Miami commitment that exited stage left when Randy Shannon was fired, is a STUD and a future NFL Franchise quarterback. Make no mistakes…he is going to absolutely destroy our defense. The only thing he struggles with is pressure in his face (he isn’t used to it…Louisville’s schedule included FIU, Memphis, Temple, UCONN, Houston, Eastern Kentucky and Ohio); this is great, because Miami NEVER DOES ANYTHING COOL WITH THEIR BLITZ PACKAGES. Ever. 

EVER!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!

Lousiville will be ready to play, because Charlie Strong is a really good coach and will have these guys convinced that Miami passed them over in high school. Which is actually true for most of them…and yet I digress. Anyway, God help us if this guy ever replaces Muschamp at UiF.

Their defense is actually pretty tough, although their true toughness might not yet be known due to their schedule. Here’s what we know: their safeties are awesome and physical and chippy, and their d line has the types of guys that give us fits. Essentially, they have the defense all ‘Canes fans wish we had.

All in all, this matchup pretty much sucks for Miami. If we win, who cares, we beat Louisville…no matter how good they are, they are still Louisville. If they win, which they probably will because they are really good, it will be seen as a major disappointment. Awesome.

In that vein, fuck you Peach Bowl. If I am going to watch my team give up 5,000 yards in a bowl game, I would rather it be against Georgia or Johnny Football than against Louisville, a predictable matchup against a team that we have played a bunch of times and is joining our league next season. 

Now, instead of getting to go to a cool bowl game against an SEC team like we should have, I get to go to the same shitty bowl game we played in a few years ago at a shitty stadium in a shitty neighborhood of a town who gave us DISNNNNNEEEYYYY!!!!! and morbidly obese, sun burnt people sitting next to me in the airport wearing those God damned Mickey Mouse ears. 

Screw Orlando, screw the Champs Sports Russell Athletic Bowl, and screw Louisville. 

Go ‘Canes, and thank you seniors. Nothing would make me happier than to see this class go out on a high note...they have earned it.