Superlatives!!!!!!!!

Hello All,

I couldn't resist my inner sorostitute crying out for attention.

I went to my share of sorority formals in my time at The U. Here's what usually went down:

Three hours before I was meeting my date I started drinking alone. Trust me, this was necessary.

Then, I met my date and drank more. Usually at a party where I knew nobody, yet everyone seemed to know me. And not in a good way. In a "you definitely hooked up with my friend and treated her badly" kind of way. Always fun.

Then, we went to meet up with the rest of the sorority at the sorority suite. Which was actually just an emptied out old classroom. No drinking was allowed here. Which meant I got to use a flask. One time they tried to take my flask away. I told the girl I would scream rape. She walked away. Again, necessary, as any guy who has ever been to one of these will tell you.

Then, we would get to the location of the party. First, I have no idea why local establishments agree to host these. The place, along with everyone in it, always gets trashed. Second, I usually stop remembering for awhile right about here.

My favorite moment at one of these was when I had to play buffer in a love square featuring two of my best friends, Steve and Mazur, and their two dates. Dan got caught in the middle, and, to make a long story short, got cried on by three different girls (no idea where the third came from). This was fun because we were all hammered and dancing, so really the love square turned into a drunken dance off which I got to mediate. Epic.

At a different event, I was so drunk that someone literally had an epileptic seizure in the bathroom stall next to mine and I didn't know about it until the next morning. My friend Tim saved this kid's life, and I went and told someone to call for help. But I don't remember doing it. Sometimes, alcohol is really messed up.

Why do I have to drink so much to withstand a sorority formal?

Because of the inevitable sorority superlatives they give out RIGHT IN THE MIDDLE OF THE PARTY. As in, they interrupt the dancing that I finally have started doing (it isn't pretty) in order to make a series of inside jokes which I find ridiculous. This is always a good time to go to the bar. BUT, for some reason, I was in the mood.

Maybe it's the creepy "de-fense" chant they pipe in to Quicken Loans arena that made me blow a gasket as I watch Cavs-Heat. Maybe it is sheer boredom. Maybe it is the drinking. Whatever it is, I call it FUN!!!!!!!!!!!

An away we go...

Most Likely to Incite a Riot- Kelvin Cain

Message boarders everywhere might unite and try to run Randy Shannon out of town. Hahahahahahahahahahaha. Sorry, just the thought of that crew doing anything that didn't involve, you know... typing, made me laugh.

Worst Facial Hair- Eduardo Clements

Hey man, love the goatee. We need more terrible facial hair on this team. Who doesn’t love a good fu man chu or a nice set of mutton chops? I’m glad we are building depth and all, but why are we overlooking the obvious things, like guys with bad facial hair?

Best Hyphenated Name Award- Asante Jabari-Cleveland

We need more of these guys because it is always fun to see how they fit the full name on the back of the jersey. Or, if they choose to go with only one name, which name they choose. Does one parent get angry? Also, what happens if he meets and marries a girl with a hyphenated last name, and she insists on a hyphenated name? Could there be a future Mrs. Jones-Smith Jabari-Cleveland? Has this ever happened? So many questions…

Most Likely to Murder a Florida Gator in 2013- Kevin Nelson

Nelson is from Gainesville and felt snubbed by UF for most of the recruiting process. Every article written about him mentions two things: he loves Miami and hates the Gators. A.) That is awesome. B.) This kid has a MAJOR chip on his shoulder. As in, he might be a little obsessed. Like Locke in LOST. And we all know how that turned out. Oh wait, we don’t? You mean this show is still just messing with us all? DAMN YOU DAMON LINDELOF! Why do I put myself through this show? No matter what happens, the finale is going to disappoint me. In which case I might murder a Florida Gator in 2013. See, it does all come full circle.

Patrick Swayze in Roadhouse Award- Brandon Linder

The dude showed up late for his Signing Day Ceremony because he was working out. When he walked in, the host should have said (automatically and without having to even think about it): “The naaaaame is Brandon.” What a badass.

Joe Namath Most Likely to Give an Awkward Interview Award- Delmar Taylor

This guy is Bahamian. Very Bahamian. I just think that he should be required to be the team’s spokesman, because the look on reporters’ faces would be hilarious. Let’s just say Bahamian English and American English are a little bit different. Can you imagine Susan Miller-Degman interrupting his 3 minute soundbite 29 different times to ask him to repeat what he just said? I can. It makes me laugh. Mostly because I hate SMD after spending three years sitting next to her at press conferences. She smells bad and sucks at writing. There, I said it.

Most Likely to Kill Dan Stein Via Premature Heart Attack- Jeremy Davis

Davis is electric with the ball in his hands, and I get a little bit too worked up over kick returns. Put two and two together here people.

Prince Akeem Award- Jimmy Gaines

This dude is from Buffalo. Let’s just say Buffalo is a little bit different than Miami. His first six weeks will be, dare I say, awesome. Almost like coming from Green Bay…and I am now going to cry myself to sleep while I think about how much I miss college.

Always guard the inbound passer.