Time for me to do everyone in my Bowl Picks pool a solid favor.
I know, I know, I am the king of picking college football games. My record this year was a staggering 52-33. Oh yes, my always sound picking schemes (mostly consisting of trying to reverse jinx teams I hate and allow for snide social commentary) produced a record 19 games over .500. And this just in: d-bag Hurricane fans just flew a banner over my office calling for me to be fired! Ba-dam-cha!
Anyway, time for the second annual Bowl Picks Extravaganza. Excited to be here. And I am putting this up before picks are due to me just so that all the people in my pool looking to do some research can get behind my very sound research methods.
New Mexico: UTEP over BYU
Every sororostitute’s dream game…both teams are written in Abbrevs!
uDrove Humanitarian: Northern Illinois over Fresno State
This will actually probably be a pretty good game. Northern’s coach is named Jerry Kill. Which is awesome from a pure name standpoint, but also because he is a legitimately good coach. And we all know that Pat Hill at Fresno does a good job. Wait, we don’t? Maybe I should stay off the message boards…
R+L Carriers New Orleans: Troy over Ohio
Troy is sneakily fun to watch. And I will always take the Rebs over the Yanks if I have no other basis to make my prediction. Kind of a rule I have when picking bowl games.
Beef O’Brady’s St. Petersburg: Louisville over Southern Miss
Two coaches moving in different directions here. Larry Fedora seemed to be a rising star when he took over at Southern Miss but has since plateau’d. Meanwhile, Charlie Strong is building something at Louisville and is quickly becoming a star.
While we are here, let’s talk about how terrible a chain of restaurants Beef O’Brady’s is. This is the chain that sponsors a “wing challenge”, which my brother beat in half the time allotted while barely breaking a sweat. He then had to pay for his meal in its entirety, was not given a t shirt and did not even get his picture on the wall. What is this, amateur hour? Who’s the next restaurant to get a bowl game, Jack in the Box? Can we play the “Dan Stein’s Chili Santa Monica Bowl” next season?
MAACO Las Vegas: Boise State over Utah
Wow. How the hell did the freakin’ Maaco Las Vegas bowl stumble into this high quality matchup. These are teams that with a month left in the season both had legitimate BCS hopes. Christ, I still think Boise would beat Oregon and probably come down the wire with Auburn. Instead, they meet on December 22. I am just glad Miami doesn’t have to play either of them. That would be a slaughter.
San Diego County Credit Union Poinsettia: Navy over San Diego State
I literally forgot SDSU even played the sport. Also, is this the longest bowl game title ever? Was that the point of this?
Sheraton Hawaii: Hawaii over Tulsa
Well, this is the annual slot where I care so little about the game that I would rather talk about music.
Last year, I gave my ten best songs of the decade. This year, I will give my all encompassing song of the year. And the winner has to be Cee Lo Green for “Fuck You”.
This is the rare rap song that I could play for my mom and dad and they would enjoy. It joins the list of “I Like The Way You Move” by Outkast and…that’s actually the whole list. And what’s even better is that it is an entire song about a guy telling the girl he likes and her boyfriend to go eff themselves. Literally. And what’s even better is that everyone is eating it up. This guy is going to win every Grammy there is for this song. He went on Ellen the other day and the audience of middle aged women was LOVING it…granted, it was the cleaned up “Forget You” version.
Genius. Brilliant. Love listening to it. And it was easily the song of the year, in a year that was actually decent for music. At least country music. Which I have been known to enjoy. (For the record, second place goes to “As She’s Walking Away” by Zac Brown Band and Alan Jackson)
Little Caesar’s: FIU over Toledo
Did I already use my spot to talk about music? I did?! Damn it.
AdvoCare V100 Independence: Georgia Tech over Air Force
Two triple option teams. GTech is more explosive. And I will probably watch. Not because I want to. Because I am compelled to.
Champs Sports: West Virginia over North Carolina State
This is part of my new “when in doubt, go against the ACC” corollary. And that’s all I have to say about this game played in a shitty stadium on a shitty field in most likely shitty weather.
Insight: Mizzou over Iowa
Part of my “the Big 10 still sucks and is overrated” corollary.
Military: Maryland over East Carolina
We gotta get a couple here and there down Tobacco Road
Texas: Baylor over Illinois
And be ready for a crap load of “the team that saved Waco” articles. Because every time Baylor does anything we need to be reminded that this is the same town that saw the Branch Davidian Slaughter and the basketball scandal in which one player murdered another and the coach covered it up. Yeah, I am sure that Baylor beating Illinois in this worthless bowl game will really take the sting off of that.
Valero Alamo: Oklahoma State over Arizona
Blowout.
Bell Helicopter Armed Forces: SMU over Army
How many games are the Armed Forces sponsoring?!?!?
New Era Pinstripe: K State vs. Syracuse
Hope a meteor hits the stadium just because it would leave the Yankees homeless. And because this is just too cutesy for me.
Franklin American Mortgage Music City: Tennessee over North Carolina
Bridgepoint Education Holiday Bowl: Nebraska over Washington
What is Bridgepoint Education?
“Bridgepoint Education provides quality, higher education and online learning opportunities at affordable rates for both traditional and online students.”
Well, that solves that. Glad we did this.
Meineke Car Care: Clemson over USF
Because it will make us look better.
Hyundai Sun: The U over Notre Dame
God made Notre Dame #1. Miami made them #2. Ahhhh yes, we finally get our shot. Of course, it happens to be after a wildly disappointing season with an interim head coach and a group of players that most likely will not be motivated. And it is a day game. In El Paso. Snarl. Still, screw you Notre Dame. I will have more on this before the game.
While we are here, my quick thoughts on the Al Golden hire. I made fun of him in my last rant, which was written in anger. That being said, I support the hire. He is a fiery guy with a lot of intensity. If you have passion, it brings a lot to the table. He is a recruiter and a motivator. He has a lot to prove, but reminds me a lot of Jimmy Johnson. Most underrated aspect: Masters in Sports Psych. Also, looks like a GOP Presidential Candidate.
AutoZone Liberty: UCF over UGa
Weird year for both teams.
Chick Fil- A: FSU over South Carolina
Again, weird seasons. FSU is turning back into a power and South Carolina will either win by two scores or lose by four.
Also, reason 54584984 I despise LA: no Chick Fil-A. Anywhere. Snarl.
TicketCity: Texas Tech over Northwestern
First one to 50 wins.
Outback Bowl: Penn State over Florida
As Russo so eloquently put it on her picks sheet: “Fuck you Florida”.
Capital One: ‘Bama over Michigan State
I could write the non-UiF SEC team vs. any Big 10 team joke, but we all already know it.
Gator: Mississippi State over Michigan
Stunned that Michigan made this bowl. Oh wait, bowls are a joke and not based on merit. Silly Dan.
Rose: Wisconsin over TCU
They were playing REALLY well down the stretch. Even if it was against the shitty Big 10. This one’s for you Doug.
Fiesta: Oklahoma over Connecticut
Yikes
Orange: Stanford over Virginia Tech
Really good game. I just like Harbaugh. And DESPISE Tech.
Sugar: Arkansas over Ohio State
I hate Ohio State.
GoDaddy.com: Middle Tennessee over Fake Miami
Will Danica Patrick be there stripping? That’s the real question…
Cotton: LSU over Texas A&M
The Mad Hatter will win this one when A&M, with one minute left and up 8, takes a safety and then gives up a Hail Mary touchdown. Write it down.
BBVA Compass: Kentucky over Pitt
Who the hell knows? I literally know nothing about Kentucky, but I know Pitt sucks.
Kraft Fight Hunger: Nevada over BC
ACC loves to make itself look bad.
National Title Game: Auburn over Oregon
Hope they enjoy it until they are stripped of their title in 2015.
Also, I don’t think Cam Newton is clean. But damn that kid can play. And he is fun as hell to watch. This is like LeBron on a college football field. Or Lance Armstrong. Or Tiger Woods. Or Bo Jackson. Simply baffling how one kid could be so much better than all the rest.
Figured I should tip my cap as the year of Cam comes to an end. Should be a great game.
Always guard the inbound passer.
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