For any man that has ever been to a Sorority Formal, we all know what Superlative Time (yes, both words capitalized, like Neolithic Period or Cabs Are Here…it is that big a deal) is.
A time for women to pretend they like each other more than they really do as they cheer for awards that they really don’t care about…and a time for their dates to get up, take a pee and go to the bar to hammer down some hard liquor.
To be fair, if men do not do this then Kappa Kappa Gamma quickly turns into Kappa Kappa PLEASEGODSTRIKEMEDOWNWHEREISITANDENDTHISMISERY! Trust me, we all win here.
Superlative Time is also the inspiration for my favorite write-up of the year, where I get to come up with ridiculous awards and then hand them out to 17 and 18 year olds kids I have never met!
Here we go!
“Kind of Looks Like John Cena” Award- Anthony Chickillo
Come on. Just look at the guy… the square jaw… the crew cut…the bulging muscles… whoa, this is getting a little weird. I need to step away for a second, walk it off a little. We’re glidin’.
Chickillo is also the lynchpin of the whole class and maybe the most important recruit since Jacory. Let’s not gloss over that.
Weirdest Quote - Tony Chickillo
Anthony’s dad and a former ‘Cane lineman in the 80’s. Had the following to say:
They’ll do whatever it takes to turn Miami’s program around. Al’s a real bright
guy.He seems to be real sharp. He’s a real handsome guy, got a
really beautiful wife, they make a great couple. He has a lot of
the values that I played under at Miami under Howard Schnellenberger. He’s a
real strict disciplinarian that wants to win.
Completely normal. Except that one little bolded thing. Now we are definitely outside the box…
“Willie Mays Hayes Happy to Be Here” Award- Olsen Pierre
Was the only recruit Al Golden brought with him from Temple. How do you think that convo went?
Golden: I would like to know if you want to be a part of the University of Miami family, maybe come down for a visit this weeken...
Pierre: {Interrupting} I am actually waiting outside in the parking lot, where do I sign?
“Sonny Corleone Tollbooth” Award- Al Golden
Had two commitments when he took over, and one was wavering. Talk about your bad situations.
“The Hindenburg of all Radio Announcements” Award- Byron Moore
Did anyone hear the show he went on to commit to Tennessee? This is why the internet should probably come with an application for use.
“George W. Bush Guy I’d Like to Have a Beer With” Award- Blake Ayles
Technically he is a transfer, fine. But the guy allegedly just spent three full years in Southern California (read: target rich environment) and did nothing but drink beer, lift weights and bang hot chicks. He’s got the Shockey Mullet. I think I will also give him the “Maverick and Goose Wingman” Award while we’re at it.
“Most Likely to Get in Trouble for Having a Confederate Flag in the Back Window of His Pickup” Award- Taylor Gadbois
He is a big boy from Dallas, Georgia. Look that up on a map sometime and get back to me.
Worst Nickname Award- Denzel Perryman
He also gets the Best Name Award. However, “DP” is the best we could come up with for him? Really?!!?! This kid is supposed to play like Vilma for God’s sake!
Most Likely to Start a Fight- Kevin Grooms
I don’t know why, but he just plays with a big chip on his shoulder. He is little but has the heart of a lion. Hopefully he doesn’t get ripped in half, because the kid can ball. Actually reminds me a little bit of Greg Reid. I feel like that was a little too serious. Consider this the part of Superlative Time when they show the crappy powerpoint from the past year and one unlucky SOB’s date starts crying for no apparent reason.
“Best Tattoo a White Guy Probably Would Never Get” Award- Gionni Paul
Obviously haven’t seen it (obvs…lmao) but it is apparently The U with Sebastian in the area and the phrase “Half Man Half Storm”. And I don’t think it is on his lower back.
“John Rocker Biggest Target on His Back” Award - Elkino Watson
Chose USF over Miami and UiF on signing day; threw a Miami hat on the ground in the process. For any actual sorostitutes reading this, this would be the equivalent of that bitch Jill stealing your date and then making out with him in front of you. At least little boys like Devin Lucien who do this have the sense to go to UCLA. Safely out of harm’s way. Watson? Let’s just say I wouldn’t want to be him the next four years when we play USF. Just remember Tamarick Vanover. The guy who did that to poor old Van? He is currently our linebackers coach.
And that will about do it. I could probably keep going, but as sororities need to learn, brevity is a man’s best friend.
Go ‘Canes, and always guard the inbound passer.
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