Let’s take a moment out of this busy mid-summer day to analyze what is going on with my sports life.
In baseball, the ‘Canes just got eliminated by the Gators for the third straight year and the Orioles are probably not going to win 60 games. Out of 162. That means they will lose at least 70% of the games they played this season, barring a late season winning streak, which probably won’t happen because they are the effing Orioles. EXAMPLE: Their best offensive player is a third baseman who every year sets a new record for most strikeouts and plays such terrible defense that he ruined the confidence of Baltimore’s best young pitcher, Zach Britton, almost singlehandedly.
The Orioles are in year…aw hell, I lost count…of a rebuilding effort centered around a young core of talented players. Here is the problem: even if all of these guys max out, they still have the Red Sox and Yankees in their division. Oh, and the guy running the Rays? He is always the smartest guy at the table. To the point that other teams are afraid to trade with him right now. Oh, and the Blue Jays are building an elite farm system because they are spending money to sign guys over their slot value and bring in top international talent. And they have Jose Bautista, probably the best hitter in baseball not named Albert Pujols, who once upon a time was waived by 4 other teams, including…the Orioles.
In the NBA…let’s just skip that one.
In the NFL, the Dolphins are currently trying to sign the 2003 Pro Bowl roster by bringing in Jason Taylor (I actually like this one), Tiki Barber and Brett Favre. I am petrified that tomorrow I will be hearing that they have reached out to Larry Johnson. Oh wait, they did? Excuse me while I go assault the bum on the corner who asked me for “money for booze and drugs” the other day. Hey, at least he was honest.
Meanwhile, the Dolphins best player on offense last season is sitting in free agency (Ricky Williams) and the Dolphins are thinking about auditioning Terrell Pryor, not only a mortal enemy of Stein on the Sidelines but also a quarterback that can’t play quarterback. Think about that.
This is following an offseason in which the Dolphins were among the first teams to lay off company employees during the lockout (class move by an owner worth literally billions of dollars), saw their owner and GM fly across the country on a private jet to woo a college coach WHILE THE CURRENT COACH WAS STILL UNDER CONTRACT, and continued to try and make themselves a circus act by doing things like building a nightclub in the stadium and brining in minority owners like Gloria Estefan and Marc Antony.
(I assume Selena Gomez is next in line)
In summary: I NEED the ‘Canes back in my life.
The season started Saturday with fall camp.
The big question is who will start at quarterback.
However, if you watched last season (I did…), you already know that sometimes a quarterback is only as good as a receiver that will go up and fight for the ball.
Jacory Harris threw a lot of picks last year, but at least 3 of them could have been prevented by receivers fighting for the ball. When you consider that almost all of the games we lost were close games, then it is extra annoying to know that one play could have made the difference.
Point?
If the guys I am about to break down underperform, whatever improvements the quarterbacks have made could be for naught.
The receivers should be deep, but at this point who the hell knows what we are getting and from who?
Gone from last season is Leonard Hankerson, a guy who put up the finest statistical season at the position in the history of the program. Better than Eddie Brown, Michael Irvin, Brett Perriman, Brian Blades, Lamar Thomas, Randall Hill, Santana Moss, Reggie Wayne or Andre Johnson ever did. With a worse quarterback. Think about that.
(Apparently NFL teams are too smart for their own good, because there were 8 receivers drafted in front of him…including 2 from Boise Effing State.)
At tight end, Miami loses only the immortal Richard Gordon, who I believe was at the school long enough to earn a PhD. He was actually a really good blocking tight end but looked like a monkey humping a garden gnome when it came time to catch the ball.
WR
Travis Benjamin, Sr.
Travis is like the little yellow bird in Angry Birds. He is fast as hell and can be a gamebreaker, but unless you get him aimed in the right direction and at the right soft target it doesn’t matter.
Translation: Travis needs to be used in the right way. Run him on ‘9’ routes and get him the ball
in space. Should he be used for jump balls? No. Should he be running routs over the middle in traffic? No. Period.
(Yes I just got an iPhone and am currently obsessed with Angry Birds. To complete this analogy, Sean Spence is the black bird that blows up everything in its area, Marcus Forston is the white one that looks bloated but drops bombs and takes off like a dart when he lays his egg, and Lance Leggett is the little blue one that explodes into a million pieces when you touch him.)
Ceiling: Game changer with the ball in his hands 10-12 times/game.
Floor: Broken in half by an Ohio State linebacker, who then ceremoniously drinks from his blood and eats of his organs.
LaRon Byrd, Sr.
My favorite receiver on the team because he plays with heart, goes up for the ball in traffic and overall just looks like the best trash talker on the team. Probably wins the bar fight. Has been inconsistent but also claims to have been playing with injuries. I choose to blindly put faith in that claim.
Ceiling: Hankerson
Floor: Last season…solid stats but seemed to disappear for long stretches. Kind of like my Blackberry was. Snarl.
Aldarious Johnson, Sr.
If this guy could stay healthy for once I think he has a role. He has not been the superstar everyone wanted but he has made some big plays and some clutch catches, including the one that saved our asses against Wake Forest, which was Winslow-esque in style if not significance to ‘Canes lore. At this point I think he could be the Orende Gadsden (look that one up suckas) type of possession guy that you go to on 3rd down. He has the best chemistry with Jacory of all the receivers and when he gets in a rhythm he is tough to stop.
Ceiling: Go to guy on 3rd down
Floor: Stays fat and hurt
Tommy Streeter, Jr.
Maybe the all time “looks like Tarzan plays like Jane” guy. Also my dad’s favorite. Gotta admit, I have a big soft spot. Maybe because it is hard to hate anyone who goes by “Tommy”. Maybe not. Who knows?
Ceiling: Tecmo Bowl Jerry Rice combined with real life Jerry Rice combined with Cris Carter combined with Andre Johnson combined with Michael Irvin. Catches 150 passes for 3300 yards and 27 touchdowns.
Floor: Lance Leggett (also known as Dante’s 7th Circle of Hell)
Kendall Thompkins, Jr.
Practice squad all star that hasn’t seen the field a lot. I think he will find a niche as the tough little guy who can make a play in space, kind of like the Wes Welker that every NFL team is looking for (and remember, Jedd Fisch is an NFL guy). BOLD PREDICTION: My buddy Justin will say something like this before the season: “BOLD PREDICTION: Kendall Thompkins is a dark horse breakout candidate”.
(SIDENOTE: He says this about Thompkins and about ten other guys every offseason. 98% of the time he is wrong. It’s like me picking a baseball guy. At this point maybe Thompkins should try baseball and Chantz Mack should try football.)
Then when he hasn’t caught a pass in the first two games he’ll say something like this: “@SteinSidelines: Thompkins sux. He’s can’t even see the field, he’s terrible, the sky is falling and I for one happen to believe Thompkins is responsible for the DOW crashing 500 points. #realtalk”.
So I guess you could say my UNBOLD prediction is that Justin will make that BOLD prediction. I will call him a dumb yankee and tell him to stick to the Jets. Harmony will be achieved.
Ceiling: Santana Moss married Marion Jones and had a baby with the speed of Usain Bolt. And he can throw thunder bolts. And will get drafted by the Colts.
Floor: Dark horse candidate to break out
Davon Johnson, Jr.
Everything I just said about Kendall Thompkins? Ditto.
Ceiling: Becomes the number three guy in the pecking order and moves the chains.
Floor: Dark horse candidate to break out
Allen Hurns, So.
This is the guy the coaches seem pumped up about. He is a hard worker and apparently a bit of a badass. He played special teams and in blocking situations last season, so you know he wants on the field. He is light in the ass, but so are plenty of receivers. Seems like the type that could have a sneaky, 2008 LaRon Byrd type of season.
Ceiling: Number 2 receiver and starter
Floor: Special teams and blocking packages, which to the message board is pretty much all the worst parts of the Bible.
Phillip Dorsett, Fr.
Should have some sort of role from day one. He is small but not slight. Has seen some Santana Moss comparisons, which are a lot to live up to. This is surprising, because ‘Canes fans are known for their realistic expectations.
(See what I did there?)
Ceiling: Freshman all America
Floor: Redshirt
Rayshawn Scott, Fr.
The other freshman who was a TOTAL BAWLA ASS (to quote that one guy they have call ACC Games on Raycom sometimes) in high school but is most likely a redshirt candidate. Should be a nice possession guy with time.
Ceiling: Allen Hurns last season
Floor: Redshirt
TE
Blake Ayles, Sr.
Ayles transferred in this offseason and is a big dude from out of town with flowing golden locks and a reputation as a party animal. Looks like he wants to hurt people.
Ceiling: Poor man’s Shockey (the last big dude from out of town with flowing golden locks and a reputation as a party animal)
Floor: Bangs every DG on campus, drinks ALL of the beer and then gets an NFL tryout on reputation alone (this is what we call a win-win scenario for Mr. Ayles)
Chase Ford, Sr.
Had a major case of the yips last season, which is bad when you’re a tight end. If he doesn’t hold on to the ball he will not see the field.
Ceiling: Viable third down receiving threat
Floor: Last season
John Calhoun, Jr.
Seems to me to be too small to be a true tight end and too slow to be a fullback…maybe an H-Back. He’s a solid special teams guy and the coaches seem to like him. Will have a role.
Ceiling: Honestly have no clue…homeless man’s Frank Wycheck?
Floor: Special Teams
Corey White, So.
Big dude moving back to tight end after a couple of years at tackle. Will see the field a lot as a blocker if he can stay healthy.
Ceiling: Functions like a third tackle/
Floor: Hurt
Asante Cleveland, So.
Was hurt in spring but was our best tight end last season. Can open things up over the middle as a mismatch against linebackers and safeties alike.
Ceiling: Kevin Everett
Floor: Hurt
Clive Walford, Fr.
High school basketball player who tore it up in the spring game, which might just be a function of our defense being completely incapable of stopping tight ends. Or it might not be. Guess we will find out soon.
Ceiling: Jimmy Graham
Floor: Special Teams
Always guard the inbound passer.
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