Sorostitute Superlatives v.2012

Hello All,

It is time, once again, to highlight some of the highs and lows of this recruiting season. Of course, this is just one man’s opinion.

Mandatory explanation: For any man that has ever been to a Sorority Formal, we all know what Superlative Time (yes, both words capitalized, like Neolithic Period or Cabs Are Here…it is that big a deal) is.

A time for women to pretend they like each other more than they really do as they cheer for awards that they really don’t care about…and a time for their dates to get up, take a pee and go to the bar to hammer down some hard liquor.

To be fair, if men do not do this then Kappa Kappa Gamma quickly turns into Kappa Kappa PLEASEGODSTRIKEMEDOWNWHEREISITANDENDTHISMISERY! Trust me, we all win here.

Superlative Time is also the inspiration for my favorite write-up of the year, where I get to come up with ridiculous awards and then hand them out to 17 and 18 year olds kids I have never met!

THE SOROSTITUTE SUPERLATIVES…2012 EDITION!

(Note: For a rundown on each individual recruit, bang it here.)

Best Get:

Duke Johnson. The Duke is a 5 star all everything recruit and put up maybe the best state playoff run of anybody in state history as he almost single handedly carried his team to the state title. Superman asked his mom for Duke Johnson pajamas for Christmas. FACT.

Rumor is that before the playoffs he gathered his team in the locker room, walked to the white board, and simply scrawled “STATE” before walking away without uttering a word. Maybe that was Coach Taylor. But still, he probably could.

He committed to Miami in September… of 2010…and never wavered. In the state semi-final and final games combined, Duke went for over 500 all purpose yards and 7 touchdowns…and ohbytheway (can’t see me Chris Berman) played a lockdown corner in the 4^th quarters. Not much else to say about this kid. Will be leading the way alongside Anthony Chickillo for the next generation of ‘Canes.

And for those who think Tracy Howard was the better get, as he was the No. 1 guy at the biggest position of need, I will say you have a fair point…BUT…without Duke, we don’t get Howard. So give Howard the distinction of Second Best Get.

Best Quote 1:

“We need to stand up, we need to fight, we need to be proud of who we ARE. We did a good job of holding serve down here in Broward and Dade. We’re gonna be tough to beat down here. We SHOULD be. We’re a good school, got the most players in the NFL, got the most players in the Pro Bowl a year ago, most first rounders the last 20 years. It’s time we start acting like Miami Hurricanes and stop having an inferiority complex. We beat some good teams down here. Now it’s time to start doing that on the field again, and we will.

Are we not supposed to beat Alabama down here? I mean are we not supposed to beat Florida or Florida State down here? I mean I don’t get that. The challenge for me everyday…and I understand it and I think every coach that walks in here understands it and it’s time for the players to understand it…look at the rings. There’s five rings in that office down the hall. That’s the challenge. That’s what we’re fighting. That’s what we’re trying to get back to. So, again, add all those guys together they don’t have five rings. That’s what I mean by inferiority complex. Let’s be proud of who we are. We’re NOT a large state institution. We’re a small private institution. We have the best of both worlds here…we have everything you could possibly ask for.”

-Coach Al Golden, talking about “Miami’s inferiority complex”. Preach, brother.

Best Quote 2:

“I’m not going to sit here and tell you we didn’t get absolutely crushed by our opponents on this. And we fought back…They saw a soft spot and they went after it. Guys took a shot at us, ok? Get your licks in now. That’s how I feel.”

-Coach Golden, on the negative recruiting that riddled this year’s recruiting effort. Note: this was said with the swag of a man who just signed a Top 10 rated recruiting class by dominating South Florida despite a 6-6 record and a very public, very salacious, ongoing NCAA investigation.

This was essentially Omar from The Wire saying “come at the king, you best not miss.” Golden also wins the award for Michael Corleone-iest. Omar comin’, and there are scores to settle. He wants his corners.

Is it too late for Al to run for the GOP nomination?

Best Quote 3:

“Why am I going to The U? Boats ‘n’ Hoes homie!”

Just kidding, no one said that. But wouldn’t it have been awesome? Probably would have been my favorite recruit. Dan Stein Jr. will say something like this one day before winning 4 national championships and 3 Heisman trophies.

Just kidding. He will be playing tennis. That’s where the REAL babes are at. Stein men are savvy.

Best Quote 4:

“Why not win in my home town and my city, why not do it here?”

-Tracy Howard, the nation’s number one cornerback recruit, when announcing on national signing day that he would be playing for The U. This is not just rhetoric; this is a challenege, a call to arms. “Look at me young’ns. I am the number one player on this Earth and I am going here. I dare you to do the same. Play with me here or lose to me there.” If you got a little Alonzo Highsmith flashback, you weren’t the only one.

Best Quote 5:

“I gotta put my city back on the map.”

-Deon Bush, when committing to The U on national television.

Best Quote 6:

“I told him congratulations on not being a dumbass.”

-Taylor Gadbois on his prep school teammate Robert Lockhart committing to the ‘Canes. A man after my heart.

Best Quote 7:

"[It was] kind of the environment and plus they had no Chick-fil-A on campus," McKinzy said when asked why he didn't choose Clemson . "You had to go like, probably like 15 minutes off campus to go to like a real restaurant. Their café was kind of small."

-Cassanova Mckinzy, on choosing Auburn.

Non- Miami winner. A man after Chapman Root's heart.

Best Signing Day Outfit:

Goes once more to Duke, who rocked an unbuttoned black vest over a white Al Golden “Fear the Tie” t-shirt and a hat that said “SWAG”…which he picked from a group of 5 Miami hats on a table. Kudos go as well to Deon Bush, who rocked a U shaved in to his buzz cut.

Worst Quote 1:

“Taking my talents to South Beach.”

-Tyriq McCord, when committing to The U on national television. I wanna like it. I really do. But this is like people who still say “winnnning” and think it is funny.

Worst Quote 2:

“Iowa is the hometown team and has a reputation for putting players in the NFL.”

-Recruit Greg Garmon, of Pennsylvania, on why he chose Iowa over Miami. This is pretty self- explanatory.

Best Recruiting Board Meltdown:

The Gators, after losing Tracey Howard and seemingly their will to go on. This actually was really funny and I would have felt bad for the guy if he wasn’t, ya know, a Gator. Take it away, Mus_Champ11:

“I will vomit everything I've eaten the past week if we lose Tracy Howard to Miami. What a disaster this is if true. Howard going Miami who is about to get nailed by the ncaa! Agholor to Lane Kiffin while USC is on probation. Diggs to OSU. Is there any evidence that Diggs has OSU #1? This pis**s me off to no end! Now I'm starting to get down on Muschamp. What a *****p this is. And we wasted that time with Fowler hanging around (Editor’s note: Fowler actually signed with UiF, which makes this even better). I'm disappointed in our staff. Yes you heard right. What an awful closing. We lose a RB (Davis and that was a blunder on the coaches) and now these 3 and we are not getting anymore OL trust me on that. so no depth at RB, shaky depth at the OL (??), and no depth at WR. The WR's we have are so so at best. 1 WR in this class (Editor’s note: they ended up adding another, more off the radar target at WR).”

Feels good to be on the other end of this for once. And for the record, I left out the usual obscene non-sense from the Gators. It is old hat.

Best Recruiting Board Meltdown, Runner-up:

Georgia Tech, after the late switch by Antonio Crawford from the Jackets to the ‘Canes. It went something like …well actually, it ain’t worth getting in to, but know that it involved several references to “hookers”, “blow”, “boats and hoes”, “Thugs” and “NCAA ass pounding”. Honestly, by the end of it I was a little confused, and I am rather more clever than most Georgians.

Best Non- Recruiting Board Meltdown:

This from Adam Silverstein:

“Muschamp and Robinson found out earlier in the week that Howard was going to Miami. I was told that Muschamp's reaction - literally - was him throwing stuff across the room.”

(Dan nods head eagerly)

Best Non-Recruiting Board Meltdown, Runner Up:

Virginia Tech assistant Charlie Wiles after Ja’Wand Blue flipped to The U (as told by @mattyports):

“I'm listening in right now as Wiles is telling Ja Wand Blue, "you lied to me."

Blue is telling Wiles, "I wanted to stay home." Wiles: "This doesn't make any sense. I've never felt more betrayed or lied to."

Whiles, to Blue: "You want to go to a program that wins bowl games, a clean program, that dominates in the ACC?"

Whiles: "It would be a blessing for you to go away for school. I promise. You've got homeboys here. ... We need you. We're counting on you."

Ja Wand Blue is listening to Whiles speak his piece. This is incredibly awkward.”

Annnnnnd scene!

Question: what happens if Whiles decides to take a new job? Does Blue get to tell him how lied to he feels in front of a room full of people? Does he get to denigrate his character as he pleases?

Worst Recruiting Board Meltdown:

That belonged to one of our fans, who upon learning that Robert Lockhart was leaning toward sticking to his Virginia Tech commitment made a few remarks about “people getting shot on their campus”. All jokes aside, that is pretty messed up, no?

Bound for Divorce:

Reggie Northrup. Said numerous times he was “committed” while also saying he was “open to other schools”. Listen, I am not the type to get preachy about this type of thing. I remember being an 18 year old dumbass. But let’s just say if I told the girl I was “committed” to that I was “open to other girls” things would go to hell in a hand basket. Just ask Newt Gingrich.

Prologue: Northrup signed with Florida State. He was very committed to Miami up until that though I guess.

Maybe Going to Regret This Statement:

To David Thompson’s coach, who called his former player a “right-handed Tim Tebow”. Listen, I think Thompson is a great prospect, as I have said. But let’s not forget that Tebow, although the anti-Christ, did win two national titles and a Heisman Trophy. Maybe we don’t want to be slapping that label on a kid who hasn’t even stepped on campus yet. Just a thought.

Signed,

Ray Ray Armstrong (the “next Sean Taylor”) and Vaughn Telemaque (who “reminds some of Ed Reed”)

Most Likely to Set the UM Record for Most Personal Fouls In a Career:

Taylor Gadbois, a mountain of a man who talks like a country-strong badass and apparently has a few arrests on his record as a youngster. Not that that’s a bad thing. But I am pretty sure that Gadbois held Lockhart at gun point until he “re-thought his situation” and decided for the ‘Canes.

Proof the Star System is Broken:

Josh Witt (1^st Team All Broward LB) / David Thompson (1^st Team All Dade QB) / Vernon Davis (1^st Team All Dade CB) / Antonio Crawford (1^st Team All STATE CB). All were absolute studs in the best state for high school football in the nation. None is ranked in the top 50 at their position by Rivals.com. You figure it out.

Most Likely to Be a First Round Pick:

Ereck Flowers, a 6’6”, 310 pound left tackle prospect with fantastic athleticism. As an early enrollee he could see the field early and will one day make a lot of money if he works hard.

Best Name:

Gray Crow. Self explanatory, yes? Runner up: Ja’Wand Blue.

Non- Miami winner- Leviticus Payne. I am pretty sure he is a James Bond villain or should be. Notables: Jazzman Clax (live at Chateau Marmont next weekend!), MacGarrett Kings (star of CBS' new cop drama this fall?)

Best Highlight Reel:

Josh Witt blowing up a fullback and running back on the same play was pretty badass, as were all of Lockhart’s full extension layouts. But if you watch Duke Johnson’s tape and don’t come away thinking of Heismans…you are crazy.

Most Looks Like Colin Hanks:

Jake O’Donnell. Have you seen them in the same room before? Me neither.

5 That Will Play Now:

Duke Johnson- RB/KR/PR

Tracy Howard- CB

Deon Bush- CB/S

Malcolm Lewis- WR

LaDarius Gunter- CB

5 Sleepers:

Jacoby Briscoe- DT

Josh Witt- LB

Jake O’Donnell- DE

Gabriel Terry- OLB/DE

D’Mauri Jones- WR

Always guard the inbound passer.