Pitt Hate Week

I hate Pitt.

”Really Dan? You HATE Pitt? Isn’t that a little strong?”

Listen, I hear you. If you’re reading this, odds are that all Pitt is to you is a mediocre school in Pennsylvania that we haven’t played regularly for 10 years.

Hell, Stein on the Sidelines namesake Dan Marino, the greatest quarterback of all time, played there…how bad could it really be?

And here is my devastating, bunker buster bomb of a retort: Mark May went there.

Boom.

Mark May is what I like to call “the worst person in the world”. I’ve looked in to his eyes…he is pure, pure evil.

He called for Miami to get the death penalty in the Shapiro case; never mind that the coach he played for, Jackie Sherrill, is widely considered one of the biggest rule breakers in the history of the sport during his stops at Pitt, Texas A&M and Mississippi State.

Simply genius.

You know how Craig James killed 5 hookers and it became an internet Meme, mostly in jest?

I actually believe that Mark May killed 10 hookers. 

Mark May and his slobbering, Alzheimer’s patient partner Lou Holtz represent all of the things I hate about college football. They are Skip Bayless, except not nearly as successful.

I am devoted to all things college football, but when either of these two is on TV I have to get up and walk out of the room. I once made it through half an hour of Human Centipede yet I cannot make it through 30 seconds of Mark May and Lou Holtz.

Mark May also represents everything shitty about Pitt. They long for the days of Marino and Tony Dorsett and Mark May and play a “hard nosed” (translation: boring) brand of football that makes opponents look like crap. They slog it out, have a strong armed, overrated quarterback and rely on the temperature to create home field advantage.

And don’t get me wrong…this will probably work against us. We suck in any sort of inclement weather, especially if it is sub-freezing, which it will be. We will get gashed by the run and let their doofus quarterback Tom Savage throw in to the middle of the field. This is not going to be a fun game to watch.

But just know, any negative reaction you have is making Mark May, in whatever cave he lives in, super happy. If Pitt wins AND Miami fans melt down, he will probably have his life partner (I’m just assuming that he calls his spouse, whether male or female, a life partner) tie him to the bed and tickle his feet with a feather boa. The safe word is probably “counter pull trap,” which must get confusing because whenever he has one of his “special” dreams that is probably what he is muttering to himself, because in case you forgot Mark May was a really good offensive linemen back when they played big boy football.

Mark May is TOUGH, damn it.

God I hate Mark May.

But you know what I hate more?

I hate that we are at the end of another college football season. 

Every year, they seem to go faster. I know this one has been frustrating. Our team seemed to finally be getting ready to make the final push to the peak of Everest, the end of a slow, tortuous hike we have been enduring as fans for a decade. It was right there. 

And then, just that quickly, our footing came loose and when we stopped tumbling we were damn near back at base camp.

But lost in the frustration, I fear, is the following stone cold fact: a mediocre ‘Canes season is more fun than the other 8 months of the year. After Pitt, win or lose, we have one game left, and then the LONG offseason.

With the end of the season comes the end of so many things. No more getting to play Monday Morning Quarterback. No more dissecting game matchups. No more hating Mark May until they trot him back out of whatever crypt he sleeps in during the offseason.

More importantly, there are a lot of people I hear less from when football is over. 

We all have busy lives, but football is one thing that always brings me together with certain people. When the season is over, we revert back to our normal routines and don’t talk as much. And that always makes me sad.

Look, I love football. I love the ‘Canes. But the thing I realize more and more is that I love TALKING about the ‘Canes and football with my buddies just as much. I enjoy the debate. I enjoy the arguing. I enjoy the celebration. 

Every year I get sadder and sadder when the season ends. It is partially because the team is never as good as I hope…the reality is they may never be again. 

(I think they will but isn’t that what makes us fans?)

But more importantly, it is because everything that comes along with football season is gone again, and 8 months is a long time to wait.

So I plan on enjoying these last couple of games, win lose or draw. 

And then I will enjoy the Iron Bowl, and Clean Old Fashioned Hate, and LSU-Arkansas, and USC-UCLA, and Ohio State-Michigan, and all the other games I look forward to at the end of every season. 

After 12 weeks of these “hate” blogs, we now face the thing that I hate most of all: Passion Fruit Iced Tea The End.

Virginia Hate Week

I hate Virginia.

A lot. They beat us 48-0 in the last game ever at the Orange Bowl.

It was one of the worst nights of my entire life.

 I ate my feelings at IHOP across the table from my best friend, who couldn’t make eye contact with me, and the girl I was crazy about but had friend zoned me for a solid 6 months. 

SIDENOTE: It was college. I was 20. Everyone has to have it happen once, right?

Every time I think about Virginia, all I can think about is that night. It was semi-scarring.

I LOATHE Virginia.

Know what I hate even more though?

OUR EFFING DEFENSE.

4 weeks ago we found out about the NCAA findings. It was over. I came close to openly weeping in front of my girlfriend (who is way cooler than the girl from Junior year...BIG STEIN!).

I was so pumped that at  my softball game that night I hit3 home runs…and I NEVER hit home runs.

I was looking REALLY forward to never having to hear about that God damned “cloud” again.

We were going to STEAM ROLL Wake Forest, give FSU all they could handle (maybe even pull out a win), roll to the ACC Coastal Title, take down FSU again, and then play in the Orange Bowl. 

And then our defense decided to reveal its true colors, and now here we are. A season that started so positively will now be remembered as the season where we beat a crappy UiF team and lost to freakin' Duke.

EDITOR'S NOTE: The rant is about to start.

Really? 500+ yards to EFFING DUKE?!

300+ yards rushing…TO DUKE?!

I hate watching our defensive line get manhandled by Virginia Tech and Duke’s offensive lines. Those teams both suck at offense. Would you have known that from watching our game?

I hate watching A.J. Highsmith and Kacy Rodgers play safety. I know what decent safeties look like on the field…let’s just say, these two are pretty fuckin’ far from decent.

I hate watching Shayon Green do anything in space. 

I hate watching teams run through wide open holes for 20 yards without so much as being breathed on.

 

I hate watching flailing arm tackle attempts.

I hate making every quarterback we play look like Tim Tebow.

I hate watching our players bitch at each other after YET ANOTHER blown assignment leads to a scoring play on 4^th Down.

Now, let’s not get this confused. I don’t hate these players. I think a few of them (Green, Highsmith, Rodgers, Jimmy Gaines) are pretty limited in their abilities and should never be asked to do the things they have done. I think they are useful role players…well, I think Gaines and Green are useful role players…and I think that they are good kids.

But they never should be playing starter’s minutes for the University of Miami. And if you find yourself in a position where they are indeed playing starter’s minutes for the University of Miami?

ADJUST THE EFFING SCHEME.

HIDE THEM. THIS ISN’T ROCKET SCIENCE.

Football is effing 7^th grade arithmetic and geometry. You alternately create zones to funnel the ball into and overload areas with large, fast men.  If you are Miami, and have a disparity between your really good athletes (Denzel Perryman, LaDarius Gunter, Tracey Howard, Reyshawn Jenkins, etc.) and your mediocre athletes (Gaines, Highsmith, Green, etc) YOU USE YOUR GOOD ATHLETES TO COVER UP FOR YOUR CRAPPY ONES.

Problem: Our guys get chewed up because they are constantly on the defensive and forced to play on their heels.

Solution: GET THEM OFF THEIR HEELS. 

I cannot even believe what I watch on Saturdays anymore. It is so consistently awful that it actually effects my ability to digest food. It is like I died and was reborn an Illinois fan.

The Hurricanes have become the Cowboys of college football. They are the most recognizable helmet in the sport, they will always be watched, but the defense is HISTORICALLY awful every single year, the quarterback melts at the first sign of adversity, and the top line talent, while present, can not possibly make up for the lack of depth behind it.

Some of those areas of concern are being addressed, specifically the talent, but the most glaring of which is not, and unless something happens this week in practice to both the QB and the defense, we are going to lose to Virginia. 

It will be embarrassing, but not surprising, because we do the same thing every week and refuse to change it.

And for the record, everyone, I GET IT. We suck. The defense is bad. The body language is bad. The DC should be fired. I KNOW. I don’t need to hear about it every 5 minutes. I don’t need every message board post to turn into a debate about the merits of Coach Mark D’Onofrio. I. HEARD. YOU.

At this point, I don’t even get mad about this team anymore. If the same thing happens every week and you expect different results, that just makes you insane.

And, weekly “hate week” posts and this semi-coherent rant aside, here at Stein on the Sidelines we strive to not be labeled as insane.

Unlike our defense, which apparently doesn’t care either way.

Duke Hate Week

Well, did not think I was going to have to do another one of these post mortems for a loss this week. 

And yet, here we are.

With Saturday’s loss to Virginia Tech, we have officially reached Overreaction Season in Hurricane Nation the Miami Hurricane fan base.

While I for one tend to take a longer time to turn on people than most, and I for one am not one to fire someone over one or two games, I do think some very valid concerns were raised in this game; longstanding concerns that HAVE to be addressed if this program is going to get out of UNC zone (read: 7-9 wins and a shitty bowl) and back to competing with the elites. Let’s go in order.

1.)    Getting Out-Coached in Big Games

2.)    The defense lacks imagination and creativity

These two should be addressed together. In big games (FSU twice, Kansas State, Notre Dame, Virginia Tech) the slightest mistake completely derails this team. The margin of error is nothing, which is a problem, because football is a sport of managed chaos. Elite teams can withstand errors because they can fall back on a sound game plan. Unfortunately, errors for us almost always result in a complete reversal of all momentum because it craters the already thin ice we were skating on.

Pretty representative.

Now, part of this particular loss was just shitty, shitty luck. Two consecutive three and outs by our defense were turned sour when big returns by our electric freshmen ended in forced fumbles. By a kicker. And then our punter had to bend down to field a bad snap and his knee hit the ground…that is something I have never seen in a game before. And I watch A LOT of football.

You realize, during the course of games like this, that things aren’t going to work out for you when 2 different times your defense forces a fumble that the other team then recovers in the end zone / on the goal line. Those are the games you aren’t going to win, no matter what.

HOWEVER, that does not change the fact that our defense leaked like a sieve all game, and consistently committed the same errors they have committed for three years. They overpursued and left open the same misdirection screen that killed us last week and last season and consistently for what seems like eternity. They had seemingly no idea/interest in covering a crossing route, particularly on 3^rd down, which is a problem. And it was consistent, for 4 quarters. Against a TERRIBLE quarterback.

And therein lays the major problem. Logan Thomas is awful. And yet, just like Tanner Price and Brynn Renner and Jeff Driskell before him, our defense made him look like a 1^st Rounder. Without getting too technical, this defense is super complicated and difficult to learn. It is used by the San Francisco 49ers a lot of the time. I know that sounds cool…”we run the same defense as a Super Bowl team!”

But here is the problem: these kids aren’t NFL players. They have 20 hours of instruction per week, in addition to whatever they can fit in on their own time in between class and tutoring and study hall and being a teenager. Know how I know this scheme isn’t working? Denzel Perryman is one of the 10 best linebackers in the country, regardless of conference. The kid is a machine and one of my favorite things about him is his “football intelligence”, which is a fancy word for “knowing what the hell he’s doing”. He has been in the scheme for 3 years now. He still looks like he doesn’t know what is going on half the time. If he doesn’t have it down, how is anyone else supposed to?

This team has struggled to get a pass rush for 3 years now. And yet, they never do anything creative to try and generate one. When we DO blitz, it is the same slow developing blitz every time. It is never disguised. Honestly, this is getting in the weeds and very Inside Baseball…the point is that we have BIG TIME issues with this defense, big time issues that have been dogging us for years now, and yet we never do anything to try and fix them except for “well, we need to learn the system”. I can buy that for a little while, but I simply cannot keep buying it for 3 years. At some point, it becomes a bill of goods.

3.)    Leadership

All I have heard for a year is how mentally tough this group is and how Shayon Green and Stephen Morris are the leaders and have accepted the mantle of responsibility. Now, I know I am not in the locker room, but did ANYONE think that these guys had solid leadership in place on Saturday night? No. Because you know how that would have looked? Like…gulp…FSU.

4.)    No 2^nd Half Adjustments

We keep getting the ball to start the 2^nd Half and keep doing nothing with it. What is the point of deferring if we can’t figure out a way to drive the ball on our opening possession? ISN’T THAT THE POINT OF HALFTIME?!

5.)    This is a New One…Bland Offense

It was somewhere around the 57^th delayed handoff for a loss of yards or the 13^th tight end screen pass that I decided that maybe, just maybe, first time playcaller James Coley doesn’t know what the fuck he is doing. I felt like I was watching the Patrick Nix offense. We will leave it at that. 

All in all, I don’t think it is panic time. But I do think we have some trouble on our hands. David Cutcliffe is a great coach and has Duke playing great football. I know that sounds like a joke, and I know the whole point of this blog is for me to make fun of Duke, but the reality is that we gave up 45 points to them last year, and they are better this year. You can bet your ass they are watching how we are unable to defend the middle of the field and getting their 8 million little slot receivers ready to run a 12 yard cross to the exact mid point on the field on 3^rd and 12. 

This team needs to win out, if for no other reason than 9-3 or 8-4 feels REALLY hollow after a 7-0 start.

__ __

What can I say about Duke’s women that can’t be said about downtown Baghdad? They both look bombed out and depleted.

Yeah, I like their basketball team a little. But isn’t that the point? This is a basketball school that just figured out they had a football team for the first time since 1994 because they beat the almighty Virginia Tech Hokies. Newsflash: Virginia Tech sucks. I know that sounds like sour grapes coming from a guy whose team just got destroyed by Virginia Tech on national television, but trust me, Virginia Tech sucks. Our defense just sucks more.

Everyone always talks about how awesome their fans are and how they camp out in tents for basketball tickets.

Let me present you the alternative. 

Instead of camping out, you can either bury yourself at the library and not get laid OR join a frat full of douche Jersey transplants and get so drunk that you actually talk yourself in to hooking up with one of the unattractive, bitchy, thinks-they-are-smarter-than-they-are-because-mommy –and-daddy-locked-them-in-their-room-after- Forensics Club-in-High School-and-forced-them-to –study-for-the-SAT women that populate the South Campus.

If presented with these alternatives, camping out in the cold and rain so you can watch a really good basketball team sounds awesome, doesn’t it?

I visited Duke’s campus. They say a college tour tells you a lot about how much you would enjoy a university. Well, my dad and I were so bored on our Duke Campus Tour that we snuck away halfway through.

The moral? People that go to Duke suck.

This man is capable of great horrors.

Duke’s coach? David Cutcliffe. I honestly have nothing bad to say about the man. He is classy and kind of a mad genius. His claim to fame? The Manning Bros. Perhaps you have heard of them. He is also the guy Ole Miss fired so they could hire Ed Orgeron to run their program, so he is also responsible for the greatest case of Buyer’s Remorse in history. And that HAS to count for something, right?

Jamison Crowder is their receiver that WILL torch us. These are facts. And for anyone thinks that is me being pessimistic, have I been wrong yet? Ebron from UNC got us. Campanaro from Wake got us. Everyone from FSU got us. Logan Thomas from VT got us. This shit is so predictable it borders on absurd.

They play two quarterbacks. The “passing one” is Anthony Boone and the “running one” is Brandon Connette, even though Connette is actually better than Boone at passing too. Weird.

Duke’s defense is actually playing really well right now, although on paper our offense has far more fire power than anyone they have faced, even without Duke Johnson and Phillip Dorsett. 

The fact is that they are going to get their 500+ yards of offense. I suggest everyone square away with that immediately. I don’t want anyone to be upset when it actually happens…that would be like getting mad at the rain. 

What you should save your emotion for is the offense. If we get down a couple of scores this will not go well and we will have to say to people that we watched our once promising season end at the hands of fucking Duke.

We need to get aggressive and creative. We need to start hitting their undersized defensive line in the mouth with our MASSIVE offensive line early, and then keep leaning on them. We need to find ways to get the ball to our playmakers (Coley, Waters, Hurns) in space, and for God’s sake, we have to hold on to the football.

Right now we rank 123^rd in time of possession, which I know can be underrated if your offense is Oregon’s offense, but the reality is our offense isn’t that good, so they need to AT A MINIMUM do a better job of keeping the defense resting on the bench. If Duke dominates the ball in the first half then this could actually get ugly.

I can’t believe I just typed that. I hate Duke. But if this one goes wrong, the next post might be HATE WEEK: Miami’s Defense.