2014 Schedule - A Preview

I recently saw the movie Her. The lesson in that movie...I think...is that letting go can be a beautiful thing. 

After the past decade, I think I have finally let go of my expectations of having a great football team. I just want one that is fun to watch. We can worry about being great after that.

In that vein, Miami came out with its schedule today. In years past that has been a momentous day for me.

Because of Al Golden’s recent round of bullshit, our complete meltdown in the second half of last season and the bitter, bitter aftertaste of that Louisville loss, here is my early breakdown of each game.

*Keep in mind that I am super cynical right now and by July will have drunk the Kool-Aid and come fully around to the light side again.* 

September 1^st – at Louisville

We will lose this game. They won’t have Teddy Bridgewater anymore, but they will have Bobby Petrino. Petrino will be playing the role of Jed from Pulp Fiction in this one…Mark D’Onofrio will be playing The Gimp. The things Petrino will do will be, to borrow Al’s language, “multiple” and “varied”. This will get ugly, and Petrino WILL run the score up, with both middle fingers extended for everyone to see.

Thing That Will Piss You Off: Watching our best pass rusher give up a huge play in coverage because we had him lined up over a wide receiver 20 yards away from the ball.

September 6^th – vs. FAMU

This will be sloppy, and they will probably give us a game into the 2^nd Half, due to the very short break between games here. You will be hoping that we put this thing away early and get to play the freshmen. You will be disappointed.

Thing That Will Piss You Off: Golden’s “the schedule is too tough” excuse on Joe Rose on Monday morning. Because apparently “anybody anywhere anytime” doesn’t matter anymore.

September 13^th – vs. Arkansas State

This sounds like a cakewalk, right? Wrong. Arkie State keeps reeling off nice seasons in the Sun Belt and losing their coach to a Big Boy school. They will be competitive and tough and we will probably sleep walk through this. I remember a game against Houston in the Orange Bowl in 2006 that we barely pulled out. This will be like that.

Thing That Will Piss You Off: Having to look in the mirror and realize that your beloved Miami Hurricanes just gave up 500+ yards to Arkansas State. I just threw up in my mouth a little.

September 20^th – at Nebraska

This is a battle of two teams that used to be awesome and have fallen into a state of perpetual mediocrity. Bo Pelini and Al Golden should just sumo at midfield to determine the winner. These teams have squared off 4 times with national titles in the balance…how far we done fell. We will probably lose this.

Thing That Will Piss You Off: Having to watch Bo Pelini for 3 hours on a lovely late summer afternoon, and then realizing that Neanderthal is probably coaching his team to a win over the coach of your team.

September 27^th – vs Duke

Do the following. Before every game, ask if the other team has a coach with a pulse. If so, they will probably exploit our defense like this is an episode of Dance Moms or Friday Night Tykes.  David Cutcliffe looks like Franklin the Turtle, but Ol’ Boy can COACH. Our only hope is that our guys are pissed off about last year’s loss to Duke. Which means hope is probably lost, because that would require our coaching staff to motivate somebody.

Thing That Will Piss You Off: Replaying last season’s disaster in your head over, and over, and over again.

October 4^th – at Georgia Tech

This could go either way. One thing we know for sure is that we will be losing by double digits at some point. Luckily Paul Johnson not only looks like Jabba the Hutt’s personal assistant, but also coaches like a dude with a weird balloon fetish.

Thing That Will Piss You Off: That stupid Georgia Tech commercial. “You want to not get laid for 4 years? You’re at Georgia Tech, YOU CAN DO THAT!!!!!!!”

October 11^th – vs Cincinatti

I know what you’re thinking. “There’s no way we can lose this one.” Wrong. Their coach is named Tommy Tuberville, and he is a pretty damned good one. In fact, when it comes to just coaching, he is probably better than our staff. Which means they will be fired up and play asymmetric football and force us to beat them. This will be either a close win or an embarrassing loss.

Thing That Will Piss You Off: Just…all of it.

October 18^th – BYE

We will win this one. I’ve never even heard of this team.

October 23rd – at Virginia Tech

Our yearly Thursday night primetime game. We will probably lose this one. Frank Beamer and Bud Foster are awesome coaches and they beat us 2 of the last 3 with a freakin’ tight end playing quarterback.

Thing That Will Piss You Off: Their stupid turkey call.

November 1st – vs UNC

This team really hit its stride under Larry Fedora in the second half of the season. Their quarterback is big and fast…the exact type of quarterback we never stop. Well, we never stop any quarterback. Sigh.

Thing That Will Piss You Off: Their baby blue helmets. No team wearing that color should ever beat us in any way.

November 8^th – BYE

We will win this one. Weird that we get to play the same team twice though.

November 15th – vs FSU

Well, they just won a national championship, lost less to the NFL than they thought, are bringing in another great recruiting class and return the Heisman Trophy winning quarterback. This will be as much fun a root canal.

Thing That Will Piss You Off: Low hanging fruit. Pass.

November 22nd – at Virginia

We should win this one. Virginia waits for the schedule to come out to make sure their program got renewed for another season. They are kind of like every show on NBC’s schedule. BOOM!

Thing That Will Piss You Off: Remembering the last game in the Orange Bowl and then remembering that we used to play there and then remembering where we currently play.

November 29th – vs Pitt

We should win this one. Pitt sucks. But they will be physical and depending how this season goes our team might have already quit on the coaching staff.

Thing That Will Piss You Off: Mark May