Monday, November 10, 2014

FSU Hate Week


I one time wrote that Miami and FSU are brothers, and that this is a rivalry of siblings. I no longer feel that way.

Look, I was young and naïve…now I am older and cynical and wizened to the shitty ways of the world. The good guys don’t always win…in fact, they rarely do.

Life delivers you gut punch after gut punch, and the only thing that separates the wheat from the chaff is how well you deal with it. There is no room in this world for any non-sense about faux brotherhood.

FSU is an enemy and in college football, you cannot harbor the enemy in any capacity…especially during Hate Week.

FSU is a bunch of knuckle draggers and the campus should be erased from the Earth. I hate them and everything they stand for. Presented below are just a few of my thoughts, presented alphabetically.
And yes, I have been working on this since August.

ACC – Miami and FSU both are members of this dumpster fire conference. For some reason, some Canes fans think that gives them a reason to root for FSU occasionally. Those people are WRONG.

Bowden – God I hated this guy. He’s kind of like the human Foghorn Leghorn. I always loved when he would build up whatever cupcake FSU just played to be some great team that they were lucky to beat, because he knew people voting in the polls didn’t actually know anything. I used to hate when one of his guys would get arrested for something and Bowden’s punishment would be to make them run bleacher steps and sit the 1st Quarter. At this point I have become cynical and see that he' was just doing what he needed to win. Still...f this guy.

Chris Rix – Career record against the ‘Canes? 0-5. Didn’t stop me from being told how much potential this guy had for 4 years. F this guy too.

“Does things the right way.” – Heard that said about Jimbo Fisher recently. Not enough bourbon in the world to make me forget it, ESPN. F Jimbo Fisher with a fly fishing reel.

Empty Wasteland – A term I could use to describe FSU twitter. This is the group that has convinced themselves that ESPN, whose talking heads occasionally have the audacity to mention that Jameis Winston might have raped someone and then had it covered up by the university and the police department in between taking turns blowing him for his ability to block out “external noise**”, has an anti-FSU bias. Want an interesting five minutes? Read @TomahawkNation’s timeline on your lunch break. 

There are persecution complexes and then there are PERSECUTION complexes. This group has the latter.

** - Another “E” word!!

Free Shoes University – God bless you, Spurrier. Long live The Ol’ Ball Coach.

Gluttons – This school has won 20 straight ball games, is defending national champion, and their starting backfield has collectively avoided rape and assault and battery charges under the shadiest possible circumstances…and the fan base is complaining that ESPN isn’t giving them enough attention. Cry me a river.

Hoobastank – Still selling out shows in Tallahassee, probably.

ISIS – As in you would probably have to join ISIS in order to get kicked off this team.

Jameis Fucking Winston – What more needs to be said? F this guy.

Karlos Williams – Starting running back, assaulted his pregnant girlfriend (she dropped the charges, presumably after having a chat with the renowned Tallahassee PD). F this guy,

Lobotomy – That is what talking to an FSU fan feels like.

Mikey McGee – All time favorite FSU athlete. Played outfield and pitcher for their baseball team. In the middle of a game my friend John yelled at him “Anniston or Cox”. In the middle of a play he yelled back “Anniston, BRO”. Legend.

This isn’t really a hateful entry…really I just wanted to tell that story again because it makes me laugh to myself.

Nos and vodka – Preferred going out drink of FSU bros….really accents the roofies.

Obnoxious – The casually racist Florida State fans are the definition of the word. My Indian friend Shiv and I were at a fucking COLLEGE BASEBALL game one time and some dude not only wanted to fight us, but kept referring to Shiv as “Osama”. The worst part: his wife started a slow clap. True story.

And don’t even get me started on the god damned Tomahawk Chop. Literally the most annoying chant in all of sports.

Pizza Deliveryman – The future profession of most dudes in Tallahassee. Close second for this slot was “Porn”, which is the only profession most of the women at this school are suited for upon graduation.

Qatar – Host of the 2022 World Cup. Recently declared a slave state. Still less corrupt than Tallahassee.

Rape – This university colludes with the local police department to cover up accusations of this crime. In case you forgot.

“Scrong” – The only thing of value Jameis Winston every contributed to society. Just to reiterate: This kid is the standard bearer for their program and CAN’T FUCKING SPEAK ENGLISH. Actually leads us nicely in to my next point.

Third Grade – The reading level that learning specialist Brenda Monk testified, before a grand jury, that some FSU player in the late-aughts read at. This lead to FSU president T.K. Wheterell labeling Ms. Monk as a “rogue tutor”. Sometimes the truth is stranger than fiction…and dibs on “The Rogue Tutors” as my SKA band name.

And yes I know it is really 2nd Grade but “S” was already taken. I improvised. For any FSU fans reading that, “improvise” means to create and execute a new plan spontaneously. 

Sorry…”spontaneously” means without preparation. Oftentimes “spontaneous acts” result in teen pregnancies. As I am SURE you are familiar with.

Unconquered – This is the school’s tagline. Some crap about how the Seminole Indian tribe they have nicknamed themselves after never surrendered to the U.S. military, instead dispersing in to the swamp.

First of all, there might not be a treaty, but those dudes were conquered. It was awful and none of us agree with it, but let’s not confuse things.

Second, you want to talk about racists? The iconic image of this program is a dude dressing up in Red Face before every game, riding a horse to mid-field and then planting a flaming spear in to the 50 yard line. Well, that is second to Bobby Bowden’s “he missed it again?!?!?!?!?!” desperation face on the sideline, but whatever.

The yokels go nuts for this whole charade every single time. Meanwhile, every single one of them would have voted for Andrew Jackson.

Venereal Disease – Lookin’ at you, FSU sorority girls. There is stuff being passed around that town that doesn’t exist in other places. Your typical frat bro at this school is an Affliction t-shirt wearing Patient X, and he doesn’t even know it.

Weinke, Chris – 28 year old man who happened to be on a super-talented roster and won a Heisman Trophy for it. Every year in the Little League World Series there is a kid you KNOW is 16 years old from Taiwan and you think to yourself “this kid’s parents are effing pathetic for making him do this”. Same way I always felt about Weinke... And I was 13. F this guy.

Xavier Beitia – X sucks. Beitia missed a key field goal against us that would have won the game and ended our championship march. Sound familiar? 

F this guy.

“Yes” – The opposite of what that girl said when Jameis date raped her. ALSO my answer to anyone asking if I think Miami can beat Florida State.

Look, it is going to take a WHALE of an effort. The defense will have to stay aggressive and unpredictable. The reality is that FSU is going to move the ball at times, and they are going to hit some big plays. Their defense is fast and will force some punts and bad plays. That is reality. But you can limit the damage by moving Jameis off his mark and forcing him to throw before he wants to…Louisville did it for a half, and so did NC State.

I think FSU is going to load up against the run and try to make Kaaya prove he can beat them. The kid is going to have to be smart with the ball, and Clive Walford is going to be a major key to the game. FSU proved they are susceptible to the deep ball against Louisville, so the receivers have to catch it when they get a chance.

Essentially Miami has to take advantage of the home atmosphere and play a nearly perfect game. But something feels right about this team ever since the time they spent with Carter Hucks.

Call me a sap, call me a moron, call me a hypocrite, but never say I don’t call it like I see it. And the way I see it, Miami is either going to win the game or make FSU earn every single yard in a loss.

Zero – The number of snaps Jameis Winston missed while UNDER INVESTIGATION FOR RAPE.

Look, people have been waiting a year for karma to catch up with FSU. Here’s the reality: there is no Karma Cavalry coming over the hill. Only the ‘Canes.

We ain’t anywhere close to as good as we used to be. I still think we are a slightly better than mediocre football team.

But maybe, just maybe, Miami can be the vengeful sword that balances the college football universe this Saturday night.

I know I’m excited.

No comments:

Post a Comment