2015 Miami Hurricanes Season Preview

Aristotle said that “happiness depends upon ourselves.”

The end of the last Miami Hurricanes football season ended as a disaster somewhere between Donald Trump’s hair choice and a Donald Trump political rally filled with people who actually think Donald Trump has something intelligent to say.

Since then, I have tried to take Aristotle’s words to heart.

Here is a list of activities I have filled the past 9 months with:

I have thrown myself into the world of soccer, as a Liverpool supporter. Which is to say that I have begun rooting for the soccer equivalent of the Miami Dolphins or Baltimore Orioles --- glory days long since past, still an “historic power” whose ceiling at this point is probably 4^th place. I am nothing if not consistent.

I have read SO many books, ranging from historical mysticism, to “Guns, Germs and Steel”, to the poetry of Charles Bukowski.

I travelled to London, Paris and Barcelona, as well as to Austin, Charleston and Baltimore.

I took up a consistent Yoga practice as part of a fairly OCD recovery from shoulder surgery (left labial tear, I think they said it was).

I began to journal every night.

As part of this whole campaign for happiness, you know what I DIDN’T do?

I haven’t spent one red second looking forward to the upcoming college football season. I didn’t really talk to my Dad about the ‘Canes. I didn’t get in any message board dust-ups with “mopes”. Nothing. I haven’t even posted on this blog since before the freakin’ bowl game.

I essentially developed my own f*cking Eat-Pray-Love routine as a way to cope with the psychological trauma caused by the past decade of utter, total crap.

Earlier today, my friend Trent and I were texting about the possibility of the Miami Hurricanes partnering with David Beckham on his new stadium.

We concluded the conversation, as we are wont to do, with the following: “Is this situation good for us? Yes? Then it will not happen”.

Ladies and gents, THE MIAMI HURRICANES!

So here I am today, a week from kickoff, writing a season preview for a team that I know will underachieve and waste yet another fall of my life.

This is my Sisyphean burden. I have to keep following the team, because the only thing that makes me less happy than following them is NOT following them. Call it Stockholm Syndrome, call it sad and lonely…call it whatever you want, but I have come to realize that this is my lot in life, for better or worse.

The great David Simon wrote perfectly last summer in Sports Illustrated about the Baltimore Orioles. I have included it below (with slight tweaks) because I think it captures why we follow sports, even when we know we are doomed to fail, on a higher level than I am capable of articulating myself. And why I am back for, as Simon would put it,  yet another season of being the beaten dog, to whom at this point even the slightest motion induces a “simpering cower”.

Anything that can happen, will. And in an infinite universe, it will happen repeatedly. The full implications of the second law of thermodynamics apply to the American League East (ACC Coastal) just as soundly as to a million monkeys at a million typewriters. Eventually, and regardless of all prior history, the Baltimore Orioles (Miami Hurricanes) are going to type the complete works of Shakespeare.

How do we know this?

Well, for one thing, there is no God. There is only science. If there were a God, he would be—as evidenced by all of modern baseball history—a devoted fan of the Yankees (Florida State). And God, at least the Judeo-Christian version of Him rather than the Aristotelian unmoved mover, is said to be good. Ergo, there is no God.

So, alone in this cold and expanding universe, we are left to consider the random motion of atoms, of protons and electrons and quarks, as these elemental essences dance and glance their way through the hollow space of, say, a Camden Yards (Joe Robbie), a Fenway(Lane Stadium), a Yankee Stadium (Doak Campbell). There is no romance to the matter, no theology, no purposed narrative even—if by narrative you mean a tale with a moral, with cause and effect, fate or redemption, hubris or vindication. No one is making a point here; the monkeys just keep typing.

In other words, Chaos Theory states that at some point the Miami Hurricanes have to win, if for no other reason than sheer, cold science dictating it. And maybe, just maybe, this will be the year. After all, Jameis Winston is gone, Clemson is Clemson, and Virginia Tech is still quarterbacked by Michael Brewer.

THE COACHES

Essentially the same cast of dipshits as last season, with only a few tweaks. Because hey, 6-7 was an upward trend! They made changes you can’t see on the field! We were a better team at the end of the season than at the beginning, it just wasn’t reflected in the W-L columns! We have faith in the scheme! EVERYONE GETS AN ORANGE SLICE!

But, hey, at least they made an attempt to fix some stuff. They spent part of the off-season embedded with the Dallas Cowboys! And, I mean, what could be more fitting? The Cowboys used to be awesome when they had Jimmy Johnson, won one more championship with a baby sitter head coach, and have since faded in to a nice, comfortable mediocrity. This, by the way, happened when Brennan Carroll….son of Pete Carroll, head coach of the Seattle Seahawks… was still on the staff. 

Can’t make it up!

What happened last season: Well, we lost the last 4 games by double digits with a roster that had 7 NFL draft picks, including 5 in the first 3 rounds. These are the “me” guys that Al Golden has thrown under the bus as the reason we sucked last year, by the way. They dominated too much, you know? Too concerned with their own personal excellence to be a good team player. Can’t display that sort of talent, not on this team. That isn’t one of the pillars.

Never forget the genius that was this playcall:

What will probably happen this season: Knowing what I know, 8 wins, a claim of incremental improvement, and a contract extension for everyone involved.

THE QUARTERBACKS

Brad Kaaya is a stud, no doubt about it. It has been a long time since our best player was at the most important position on the field. Malik Rosier is his athletic backup who also plays on the baseball team…he is apparently being used in some Read-Option packages. Which would be great news if it didn’t mean that, by definition, our best player is sitting out the play.

What happened last season: Kaaya set all sorts of freshman records on his way to the type of season that made him the frontrunner to be the first overall pick in the 2017 NFL Draft. And yet, despite this, in big games the coaching staff refused to let him try and win, opting instead for a super conservative, “play not to lose” approach that unsurprisingly backfired EVERY SINGLE TIME.

What will probably happen this season: Like I said, this is the same staff, and they haven’t been too quick on the uptake. Kaaya will probably continue to show streak of brilliance, and then this staff will take him out of his rhythm for seemingly no reason, and then he will find himself down 14 points to a good team, and then he will overthrow to try and make a play and….you can almost smell the Sophomore Slump from here.

THE RUNNING BACKS

Gus Edwards seemed to be the frontrunner for starter duties, right up until he was declared out for the season yesterday. Of course. The talented next-in-line is Joe Yearby, who decided “f*ck this team” during the offseason and spent the summer training on his own. Smart move. Rumor is he will be suspended for the first few games for a dreaded “violation of team rules”. Next in line is Trayone Gray, who has the annoying habit of breaking way too many long runs for Al Golden’s liking. That is the kind of play that gets you benched around here.

You see, long runs have the habit of leading to quick scores, and quick scores mean the shitty defense has to go back on the field and that exposes the head coach’s best friend. Can’t have that.

The wild card is freshman Mark Walton, who everyone has convinced themselves is a can’t miss prospect because he is the one running back we signed last year after 3 high school All Americans at the position decided “on second thought, I’d rather go pretty much anywhere else than Miami”. I’ll believe he’s good when I see it.

The good news here is that we have 3 talented running backs on the roster. The bad news is that we ONLY have 3 talented running backs on the roster, which would be concerning even if this university wasn’t located in South Florida, where high school running backs grow on trees. But, as they say, running back is a low churn position so depth is really more of a luxury than anything.

What happened last season: Duke Johnson set pretty much every school record imaginable. Selfish, right?

What will happen this season: Literally nobody knows. Gus Edwards has apparently looked good all offseason, but I’m not falling for that particular banana in the tailpipe again. The reality is the team lost one of the best players in program history, and replacing him with one guy is pretty much impossible. I’d be shocked if the committee replicates his production from last season. Which means even more pressure on Kaaya. Which is concerning because of…

THE OFFENSIVE LINE

This could get ugly pretty quickly. There is some good topline talent, but it is all young (Trevor Darling, Kc Mcdemott –who might actually suck but he was a highly rated recruit, Nick Linder, Tyree St. Louis). Over the past 2 years this unit has lost the following: Brandon Linder, Seantrel Henderson, Shane McDermott, Jared Wheeler, Jon Feliciano and most importantly, Ereck Flowers. They now play for the Jaguars, Bills, Cowboys, Eagles, Raiders and Giants, respectively, and Flowers was a Top 10 pick in this past draft.

What happened last season: This was the team’s best unit. And yet, again, 3 starters are gone and in their wake are a bunch of unprovens. Art Kehoe is the best coach on this staff --- this will be the ultimate test of how quickly good coaching can bring a unit together, especially when you know Fat Al will insist on running some complex zone blocking scheme instead of adapting and letting the youngsters get comfortable by just lining up and hitting the guy across from them.

What will happen this season: Get used to hearing this phrase often: “It looks like the right tackle Sonny Odogwu jumped early there.” Hey, on a bright note, at least we are putting our big uglies through ball security drills that seem to be made out of sex toys! Never know when you’re going to have to throw a bubble screen to a 6’7”, 300 pound man!

THE RECEIVERS

Unsurprisingly, this is a talented group. Stacey Coley has allegedly checked out of witness protection, Rashawn Scott is back from whatever caused him to miss last season (either injury or suspension…you never can quite tell with good ol’ Rashawn!), Braxton Berrios, Herb Waters, Malcolm Lewis and freshman Lawrence Cager are a nice mix of weapons for Kaaya to work with. At tight end, the group of Stan Dobard, Chris Herndon, Jerome Washington and David Njoku will try to replace the production of another record setting player in Clive Walford, now of the Oakland Raiders.

What happened last season: Phillip Dorsett was the key receiver, as his speed and downfield routes forced defenses to leave much of the middle of the field vulnerable, which paved the way for Duke Johnson and Clive Walford to enjoy a ton of success and for Kaaya to develop confidence working this key area early in his career. Dorsett is now gone to the Colts as a first round pick. So is Walford, the safety blanket.

What will happen this season: This could go a million different ways, but it seems inarguable that the key to it all is Coley. If he can fill the Dorsett role, this offense will have a much easier go of it. If he can’t, defenses are going to blitz our inexperienced o-line and make Kaaya’s life hell. So I guess following the theme of the last decade we can expect the latter.

THE DEFENSIVE LINE

So. Much. Talent. Al-Quaddin Muhammad is back from his bullshit suspension, Chad Thomas is a year stronger and wiser, we actually have 4 defensive tackles with a pulse, Demetrius Jackson might be the next basketball to football player to become a pass rushing nightmare…you know what Fat Al just heard?

“I bet these guys will look great trying to cover 5’8” slot receivers in the Red Zone.”

What happened last season: If every time you saw a defensive end trying to cover the equivalent of Wes Welker during a Miami game you had to drink, I would have actually died last season. I know people say that a lot, and typically it’s just a euphemism for “oh man I’d have had to drink a lot”, but I literally would have died last season.

Oh, and Anthony Chickillo, the guy the coaching staff forced to gain weight like a piece of foie gras so that he could be used out of position in their stupid scheme, lost the weight, publicly called out Fat Al and Mark Doritos, lit up the college all-star game circuit, got drafted as an outside linebacker by the Pittsburgh effing Steelers (they have had a few decent outside linebackers over the years, and they also happen to be the team that made the EXACT SAME 3-4 that Fat Al uses famous) and is apparently on track to start for them as a rookie. 

Let the failure just cascade over you, ‘Canes fans.

What will happen this season: “Back from that commercial break and we’ll see if the Canes defense can come up with a big hold here in the Red Zone on 3^rd and 8, late in the game here at Doak Campbell Stadium. Everett Golson takes the snap…has all day in the pocket to throw…lofts one in to the end zone….touchdown Seminoles! Ermon Lane, the sophomore receiver from South Dade, went up and over Chad Thomas. You can just see from the snap that Golson saw the mismatch, and the Noles exploit it for the TD. And just like that, it looks like FSU will extend their winning streak over Miami to 6 years. You’ve got to really question the defensive play call. You come out of the extended timeout and the best you can come up with is a defensive end covering a wide receiver? Going to be a tough flight home for Al Golden, and you’ve got to imagine his seat is starting to get even warmer.”

Has a player ever murdered a coach on the sideline before? Just curious.

THE LINEBACKERS

Raphael Kirby and Jermaine Grace lead the unit that has to replace Denzel Perryman and Thurston Armbrister. Tyriq McCord, who has been completely wasted at linebacker instead of rush end, and Darrion Owens are both gifted and are competing for another starting spot. After that the depth gets SCARY. Would be nice to have pre-season first team All ACC member / Cane legacy James Burgess, wouldn’t it? Too bad. Al stopped recruiting him because he was too small.

What happened last season: Denzel Perryman finished second in Butkus Award voting and was an absolute stud. Finishing that high in any individual awards voting is very selfish. Addition by subtraction if you ask me.

What will happen this season: We better pray nobody gets hurt, because running a scheme that requires 4 linebackers at a time –and having a coaching staff that refuses to have any less than 4 linebackers on the field, even if the other team were to trot out a lineup for 11 wide receivers—with only 4 decent linebackers on the roster is a bit of a sticky wicket. At least Grace is awesome and essentially told the coaches to f*ck off when they tried to make him gain weight.

THE SECONDARY

Lots of good names: Deon Bush, Corn Elder, Tracy Howard, Artie Burns, Jaquan Johnson, Reyshawn Jenkins, Jamal Carter…all are potential impact guys. This is the position group least effected by NFL departures, losing only the undrafted Ladarius Gunter, who has *SHOCKINGLY* been getting first team reps with the Green Bay Packers despite underperforming in college. The guy across from him? Pro Bowler Sam Shields, an undrafted Miami Hurricane who underperformed in college. Sigh.

What happened last season: The absolute lack of a pass rush left the secondary out to dry. IT also didn’t help that apparently our defensive backs are not taught to, ya know, turn their head around and look for the ball in the air. Which you’d think would be something that they would be taught. But who am I to judge, ya know?

What will happen this season: If all goes well, Bush is an All American, Howard finally lives up to the 5 star status, Burns becomes a first round corner and Jaquan is the Duke Johnson of the defense, as hyped.

I’ll pause while you laugh it out.

And so concludes the preview. I’d like to say that I am going to try and take a step back this season, but we all know that isn’t true. I’ve already informed the girlfriend that our Labor Day weekend trip to San Francisco will be paused for the Canes game vs Bethune Cookman.

I’ll always be there, pushing my particular boulder up the hill, filled with hatred (both internal and external), hoping that this is the year I finally make it to the top.