Note from the editor:
I am only going to refer to Cincinnati as “Cincy” from this point forward in
this post, because truth be told I have never really figured out how to spell
Cincinnati and I get sick of having to right click on the word every time Word
tells me I screwed up again. As if anyone ever needed MORE reason to hate this
Meth den.
Let’s start off with a quick recap of things I hated 2
weekends ago (and that you should hate
too!).
I hated, of course, that we blew a 23 point lead with 8
minutes left…but more than that I hated how PREDICTABLE it was.
‘How predictable was
it, Dan?’
So predictable that in the 3rdQuarter I turned to
my girlfriend and said “this is going to overtime”.
Guys, I am NOT that smart and even I saw this trainwreck
coming.
I hate that Al Golden has turned this into such a crap
program that in any game I am unable to celebrate the good stuff that happens
because I KNOW the other shoe will inevitably fall.
Dominating FSU through 3 quarters?
Doesn’t matter, as soon
as we go 3 and out one time the panic sets in.
Put up 17 in the first quarter against Nebraska?
Doesn’t matter, we all know we are going to go soft and
surrender the lead.
I hate it. It has literally sucked the joy out of this team.
We could be up by 70 against FSU in the 4th Quarter and I wouldn’t
be happy until the game was over. It’s gotten to the point that I’d be happy
going up 10-0 and then fast forwarding through the rest of the game. Thanks,
Al.
I also hate that Deon Bush is going to be out the first half
of this game because of a bad targeting call. Know what I hate even worse? A.)
He is so important to the defense that as soon as he was ejected against
Nebraska we gave up 23 points in 8 minutes and B.) That he is CLEARLY our best
player on defense and Al Golden insists on rotating him with this year’s SOTS
whipping boy, Dallas Crawford, AKA the worst safety to play here since, like,
Willie Cooper.
I also hate that afterward the team celebrated like they just won the Super Bowl, because as Al Golden said, Nebraska had won 9 games every year for the past decade.
First of all that was false.
Second of all, you know who 9 wins isn't good enough for? NEBRASKA. They just fired their coach despite winning 9 games 5 years in a row.
So, to sum up, at Nebraska 9 wins gets you fired.
At Al Golden's Miami, 9 wins gets you a dance party.
Awesome stuff.
Now that we’ve got that off our chest…
Why should you hate the Cincy Bearcats?
Good question.
On the surface, the football program seems to have
everything I would like.
Cool all black uniforms.
A weird nickname; no one knows what a Bearcat is but it
sounds badass. Kind of like a Jackelope. Or one of those crazy whales with the big
unicorn horn.
Spread offense. History of upsets. Tommy Tuberville.
Check, check, check.
I felt bad last week when Gunner Kiel almost died on the
field against Memphis.
Truth be told…and this might be me going soft with age… I
can’t muster up any hate for this team.
This is a team playing three straight non-Saturday games.
That’s literally the most interesting thing I could find about them.
They’re co-favorites, along with Memphis, in something
called the AAC, which is what I think you get relegated to if you finish last
in the ACC.
(Just kidding, we know that doesn’t happen, because Miami is
still in the ACC after last season)
The Bearcats are essentially the college football knockoff
of the Cincy Bengals, the NFL team that shares both a color scheme and an
overall sense of “who gives a shit?”
They both fall in to the realm of “good enough for me” which
is fitting in this city.
Also, I can never say this enough, but Skyline Chili sucks.
A lot.
The reason I think everything has settled in at “mediocre”
in this hellscape is that the city has a huge sense of identity crisis. You
see, most of the residents feel a sense of commonality with all the worst parts
of the Deep South and yet geographically this place features all the worst
parts of the north.
It’s not often that you find this combo, but when you do,
boy is it nasty. And that is how you get a place like Cincinnati, full of awful
people but an admittedly awesome airport (which is technically across the river
in Kentucky).
Now, all of this doesn’t take away from the fact that this
perfectly mediocre team from this crap town is going to drive us all crazy on
Thursday night.
For starters, winning on the road against a home underdog on
Thursday night is never easy. Thursday
night football was designed specifically to create chaos, and often succeeds.
Second of all, Mark D’Onofrio and Al Golden will be facing
their worst nightmare now the Gunner Kiel, potential NFL draft pick, is out: a
second string, mobile QB.
Get ready for a lot of cursing on converted 3rd
and Longs. Heaven only help us if they have a tight end on the roster. Not a
“good” tight end even…just someone that plays the position. That’s just too
many wrinkles for the former Temple staff to handle.
I honestly don’t think we win this one. Everyone is talking
about an undefeated matchup in primetime against FSU in two weekends…and I just
can’t help but remind everyone that this NEVER works out for us. This is a
total trap, similar to the trip to UNC a couple of years ago, and you can bet
these acne-ridden, Keystone swilling, couch burning, intelligence-hating
hillbillies will be out in full force.
The best case scenario is that D’Onofrio manages to take away
something that this backup QB likes to do, force him to be one dimensional, and
that our offense actually has some form of consistency and indentity for the entire
game.
While you wipe the tears of laughter out of your eyes, I
will wrap this up.
Cincy is an awful city with an awful name filled with a lot
of awful people.
Let the hate coarse through your veins.
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