Hello All,
Yes, ladies and gentlemen, it is that time of year again. Recruiting season has entered its final stretch, marked by the 17 high school all star games being played this month. We are officially in “water boarding” season.
This is the time of year where seemingly well adjusted, grown ass men ebb and flow (like 50 Cent except maybe I got the title wrong) over the college decision of 17 and 18 year old kids.
In the past decade, National Signing Day has essentially become a holiday for anyone who follows college football closely. It is the day when players officially become the next generation of (insert team nickname here _________).
ESPN has 24 hour coverage of the events, which is really weird when you think about it, because it is mostly just kids faxing letters to the college they want to attend (it seems as though PDF files have not yet made it to college campuses; I have a theory that ESPN is in bed with the facsimile machine industry and that is secretly their “third” revenue stream).
The unfortunate side effect of this is that all of a sudden these 17-18 year old kids become “superstars” for a couple of months…and what’s worse is that they are very aware of this fact.
They hold press conferences and play the “hat game”, wherein they put baseball caps of the schools they consider on a podium and then, usually after a terrible job of trying to build suspense, announce which college they will smoke pot and rape women….I mean, play football at for the next 3-5 years. They put the ballcap on their head (doing their best to pose as a backup quarterback for whatever reason) and mean mug for the cameras like Kanye after playing “Paris” for the 11th straight time at Staples Center.
(SIDENOTE: why are people excited when he does this in concert? If I went to a Kings of Leon concert for the latest update as to whether their lead singer had yet found somebody and they played “Sex is on Fire” 11 times in a row and then BRAGGED about how awesome it was and that they had never done this before, I’d be pissed. No shit you’ve never done this before Kings of Leon, we paid to hear you do a BUNCH of songs, not the same one over and over. Assholes.)
After watching said announcements, the denizens of the college football message board world react one of two ways: if their school was on the “winning” end of the recruitment, they begin a furious deconstruction of every flaw of said player’s game based on 3 minute YouTube videos set to terrible rap music while simultaneously going to their rival team’s board and bragging about what a bunch of shitsippers their rival team is; if their team was on the losing side, they begin their equivocation: “we didn’t want him, he’s too small/slow/dumb/wears his pants too short”. They thus take all the joy out of the announcement for both fan bases. The internet is great.
If anything I just described sounds insane, that is because it is. And yet every year this thing gets bigger and bigger. It makes no sense. It’s like traffic backing up every day at the 405 entrance ramp on Santa Monica Blvd. We all know the 405 is coming up. It is right fucking there. It is huge. It is the busiest highway in America by roughly 20% (all stats fabricated).
And yet, people still wait until the last second, realize the middle lane doesn’t merge to the on- ramp (go fucking figure), and then back up traffic behind them as they wait with their nose in the turn lane and their ass out in traffic. Every. Fucking. Day.
I was going to use this blog post to really try and dive in to the psyche of the modern college football fan and figure out WHY we have this obsession. But I am pretty sure it is a combination of a self-fulfilling prophesy, a fascination with Starter Snapbacks and Americans’ internal drive to better themselves while actually doing nothing to improve their lot in life. If you want to discuss this further email me.
Anyway, instead, here are your rules for surviving the next month or so leading up to signing day (and assuredly, for a few real asshole kids…looking at you Terrelle Pryor and Bryce Brown…another month or so after NSD).
Rule 1:
Do not stay home and watch NSD coverage (yes I am going to be pretentious and call it “NSD” from now on because I am quite frankly too lazy to do a find and replace). This just reeks of Sandusky and cell phone holster.
Rule 2:
If you stay home and watch NSD coverage, take a shot every time you hear the following: “want to thank my support system”, “got together with my family and prayed”, “best opportunity for me”, “dream school”, “made me feel the love” or “all I got to say is”.
Also a shot anytime you see a grill, dreadlocks, a tacky suit or a kid pick up one hat, do his best “contemplative” look, and then throw it on the ground and put a new one on his head.
Rule 3:
Assume that, if a kid has, say, Miami, South Carolina, Georgia and East Carolina hats on the table and chooses EAST CAROLINA he has bad grades. And no ACTUAL offer from the other schools. Think about it people. Think about it.
Rule 4:
Know that AT LEAST 1 of the kids that is considered “vital” to your class will not have the grades to get in to your school. Unless your school is West Virginia, LSU or Florida State. In which case a chimp could most likely get in to your school.
Rule 5:
Take joy in knowing that if a recruit chooses FSU or UiF over your school, you have a 90% chance of seeing their mug shot within a year. Never gets old.
Rule 6:
Know that every recruit you sign has a 50-50 shot at succeeding (which is obvious if you are a Klosterman fan). They will either be good or they won’t. It does not matter how many stars they have. They will either take their natural ability and combine it with the required work ethic and film study required to turn in to an impactful player…or they won’t. College has a lot of the following: booze, women, free time. Some kids know how to handle this. Some kids don’t.
Think about yourself. If you are reading this you probably went to the University of Miami right around the time I did. Remember how hard it was to study for a final in some bullshit philosophy class when ALL your friends were going out to the bar? Remember how all you wanted to do was go with them and say “fuck it”? Well, I got news for ya. A lot of these kids don’t have that discipline. And here’s something else: football players get offered better looking women and less expensive alcohol with much greater frequency than you or I did. THAT IS WHY RECRUITING RANKINGS ARE BULLSHIT. We have no idea how these kids will respond once it is time to actually be a college football player.
Rule 7:
If you have a Florida State fan near you, they will be insufferable on NSD. They ALWAYS sign the top ranked class. They always tell you about how awesome they are. They always get ranked #4-6 to start the season. They always lose 4 games. They always live in trailers.
Rule 8:
No touching of the hair or face! Now let's do this!!
Now everyone, you have been warned. This is a day for morons and gluttons for punishment. It should be avoided at all costs. NO ONE should pay attention.
However, if you do, print these rules off and STICK to them. You will be inebriated within an hour, you will be passed out within three and your dealing with FSU fans the next day will be much easier to take.
Sounds like a win to me.
Rule 9:
Always guard the inbound passer.
Yes, ladies and gentlemen, it is that time of year again. Recruiting season has entered its final stretch, marked by the 17 high school all star games being played this month. We are officially in “water boarding” season.
This is the time of year where seemingly well adjusted, grown ass men ebb and flow (like 50 Cent except maybe I got the title wrong) over the college decision of 17 and 18 year old kids.
In the past decade, National Signing Day has essentially become a holiday for anyone who follows college football closely. It is the day when players officially become the next generation of (insert team nickname here _________).
ESPN has 24 hour coverage of the events, which is really weird when you think about it, because it is mostly just kids faxing letters to the college they want to attend (it seems as though PDF files have not yet made it to college campuses; I have a theory that ESPN is in bed with the facsimile machine industry and that is secretly their “third” revenue stream).
The unfortunate side effect of this is that all of a sudden these 17-18 year old kids become “superstars” for a couple of months…and what’s worse is that they are very aware of this fact.
They hold press conferences and play the “hat game”, wherein they put baseball caps of the schools they consider on a podium and then, usually after a terrible job of trying to build suspense, announce which college they will smoke pot and rape women….I mean, play football at for the next 3-5 years. They put the ballcap on their head (doing their best to pose as a backup quarterback for whatever reason) and mean mug for the cameras like Kanye after playing “Paris” for the 11th straight time at Staples Center.(SIDENOTE: why are people excited when he does this in concert? If I went to a Kings of Leon concert for the latest update as to whether their lead singer had yet found somebody and they played “Sex is on Fire” 11 times in a row and then BRAGGED about how awesome it was and that they had never done this before, I’d be pissed. No shit you’ve never done this before Kings of Leon, we paid to hear you do a BUNCH of songs, not the same one over and over. Assholes.)
After watching said announcements, the denizens of the college football message board world react one of two ways: if their school was on the “winning” end of the recruitment, they begin a furious deconstruction of every flaw of said player’s game based on 3 minute YouTube videos set to terrible rap music while simultaneously going to their rival team’s board and bragging about what a bunch of shitsippers their rival team is; if their team was on the losing side, they begin their equivocation: “we didn’t want him, he’s too small/slow/dumb/wears his pants too short”. They thus take all the joy out of the announcement for both fan bases. The internet is great.
If anything I just described sounds insane, that is because it is. And yet every year this thing gets bigger and bigger. It makes no sense. It’s like traffic backing up every day at the 405 entrance ramp on Santa Monica Blvd. We all know the 405 is coming up. It is right fucking there. It is huge. It is the busiest highway in America by roughly 20% (all stats fabricated).
And yet, people still wait until the last second, realize the middle lane doesn’t merge to the on- ramp (go fucking figure), and then back up traffic behind them as they wait with their nose in the turn lane and their ass out in traffic. Every. Fucking. Day.
I was going to use this blog post to really try and dive in to the psyche of the modern college football fan and figure out WHY we have this obsession. But I am pretty sure it is a combination of a self-fulfilling prophesy, a fascination with Starter Snapbacks and Americans’ internal drive to better themselves while actually doing nothing to improve their lot in life. If you want to discuss this further email me.
Anyway, instead, here are your rules for surviving the next month or so leading up to signing day (and assuredly, for a few real asshole kids…looking at you Terrelle Pryor and Bryce Brown…another month or so after NSD).
Rule 1:
Do not stay home and watch NSD coverage (yes I am going to be pretentious and call it “NSD” from now on because I am quite frankly too lazy to do a find and replace). This just reeks of Sandusky and cell phone holster.
Rule 2:
If you stay home and watch NSD coverage, take a shot every time you hear the following: “want to thank my support system”, “got together with my family and prayed”, “best opportunity for me”, “dream school”, “made me feel the love” or “all I got to say is”.
Also a shot anytime you see a grill, dreadlocks, a tacky suit or a kid pick up one hat, do his best “contemplative” look, and then throw it on the ground and put a new one on his head.
Rule 3:
Assume that, if a kid has, say, Miami, South Carolina, Georgia and East Carolina hats on the table and chooses EAST CAROLINA he has bad grades. And no ACTUAL offer from the other schools. Think about it people. Think about it.
Rule 4:
Know that AT LEAST 1 of the kids that is considered “vital” to your class will not have the grades to get in to your school. Unless your school is West Virginia, LSU or Florida State. In which case a chimp could most likely get in to your school.
Rule 5:
Take joy in knowing that if a recruit chooses FSU or UiF over your school, you have a 90% chance of seeing their mug shot within a year. Never gets old.
Rule 6:
Know that every recruit you sign has a 50-50 shot at succeeding (which is obvious if you are a Klosterman fan). They will either be good or they won’t. It does not matter how many stars they have. They will either take their natural ability and combine it with the required work ethic and film study required to turn in to an impactful player…or they won’t. College has a lot of the following: booze, women, free time. Some kids know how to handle this. Some kids don’t.
Think about yourself. If you are reading this you probably went to the University of Miami right around the time I did. Remember how hard it was to study for a final in some bullshit philosophy class when ALL your friends were going out to the bar? Remember how all you wanted to do was go with them and say “fuck it”? Well, I got news for ya. A lot of these kids don’t have that discipline. And here’s something else: football players get offered better looking women and less expensive alcohol with much greater frequency than you or I did. THAT IS WHY RECRUITING RANKINGS ARE BULLSHIT. We have no idea how these kids will respond once it is time to actually be a college football player.
Rule 7:
If you have a Florida State fan near you, they will be insufferable on NSD. They ALWAYS sign the top ranked class. They always tell you about how awesome they are. They always get ranked #4-6 to start the season. They always lose 4 games. They always live in trailers.
Rule 8:
No touching of the hair or face! Now let's do this!!
Now everyone, you have been warned. This is a day for morons and gluttons for punishment. It should be avoided at all costs. NO ONE should pay attention.
However, if you do, print these rules off and STICK to them. You will be inebriated within an hour, you will be passed out within three and your dealing with FSU fans the next day will be much easier to take.
Sounds like a win to me.
Rule 9:
Always guard the inbound passer.
