The Green Pants Jinx

Hello All,

Well, that was a rough Week 4 for Stein on the Sidelines.

Let’s get right in to the carnage that was Miami vs. Virginia Tech.

Pre Game

It is raining buckets in Blacksburg. Not good. Not good at all. Why? Well, Miami has been relying on their speed and athleticism. Which is nullified when the players cannot plant and drive.

Bonus: On top of the rain, we get Sean McDonough and Matt Millen for this one. I think I can see Matt Millen’s excitement over Laron Byrd from here. Seriously, we need to put this guy on the Service Academy circuit. There’s no way he could possibly find a receiver there. Right? Right???

I see Miami is wearing the white over green. Uh-oh. We never play well in big games when we wear green. I was praying for the Storm Trooper white over white. My stomach hurts.

We go down to Holly Rowe on the sidelines…wow…that’s a really…nice…hat…Holly …this is awkward…

The added benefit of being on ABC is getting to see the promos for ABC’s awful new lineup. Can’t wait. Modern Family would be chuckle-worthy, except for the fact that almost every funny moment is spoiled by the promos. And the rest…well…how should I say this?

1^st QTR

- Jacory Harris picks up right where he left off, finding Leonard Hankerson for a nice third down conversion.

- Wait, why are we running these extended handoff plays? Why are we running a stretch play to the short side on 3^rd down? Is Patrick Nix back? What is going on?!?!?!?!?!? Somebody answer me!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!! (this is one of my Ari Gold moments that I have every game, only internally; the answer is yes, there are ulcers in my family)

- To make things better, Jacory gets hit on a corner blitz (hmmm…this is the second time he has been sacked this season and both are on corner blitzes…think Oklahoma will notice?) and fumbles. Alright, that’s fine, the defense will come up big.

- Tech drives down the field and Miami forces a field goal on a nice play by Vaughn Telemaque in

the end zone…but wait…pass interference…ya know, sometimes I wonder why we even use defensive backs, because they get called for pass interference every time. Maybe we should try to blitz 11, like on Tecmo Bowl when you predicted the other team’s play.

- Virginia Tech scores a touchdown after the penalty. (7-0 VT)

- Miami calls for an awful run play on 3^rd down…seriously…is Nix signaling plays to Whipple. Is Whipple acting as Nix’s host right now, like in Men in Black? Egads.

- Tech almost fumbles the fair catch, but they manage to hang on to the ball. If we are going to win this game, it is becoming readily apparent that we will need some good breaks. That would have been one.

- Tech gets a play overturned on a challenge…another break for them…

- Quickly followed by a 48 yard touchdown pass on a ball that was underthrown for the receiver BUT hit him in stride anyway because Chavez Grant slipped and fell. Oh dear. (14-0 VT)

- Miami runs a 2^nd and long play straight in to the line…with no lead blocker…against an attacking defense…seriously, how is this happening?

- Miami runs a 3^rd down screen play to Cooper…I am at a complete and total loss…

2^nd QTR

- Virginia Tech muffs a punt and Kendall Thompkins dives on it. MIAMI BALL!

- And Matt Pipho gets literally pushed over by the defensive end. The resulting sack kills the drive that began in amazing field position (the sack + Jason Fox’s false start). Well, that’s just awesome.

- Kelsey Grammar isssssssssss HANK! Part of ABC’s new fall comedy lineup!

- Tyrod Taylor is having his way with the Miami D. So far, the attacking defense seen against Georgia Tech is gone, replaced by a reactive, unimaginative defense that is swarming to the ball 8 yards past the line of scrimmage, not 3 yards behind. Well, our big play offense can bail us out. Wait, what happened to our big play offense?

- Brandon Harris takes a smart pass interference that saves a long touchdown.

- Millen just said that Ryan Williams “runs well with his eyes”. This is the new hot phrase for commentators this year. He runs well with his freakin’ feet. Let’s not kid ourselves. No one runs with their God damn eyes. That’s like saying “Pedro Martinez is pitching well with his brain tonight”.

- Tech misses a field goal… Mark Whipple will definitely go for the kill shot here to put us right back in it.

- A RUN PLAY ON 3^RD AND 4? WHAT THE F#$% IS GOING ON? WHAT TEAM IS THIS???

- And lo and behold, Virginia Tech, masters of Beamer Ball, Kings of Special Teams, block a punt and score a touchdown. Did we not KNOW that they block punts? Who is coaching special teams, Eddie? (21-0 VT)

- I wonder aloud with my dad whether Whipple is refusing to change the strategy because he feels his plays are so good that they should be working and it’s the players’ fault that they aren’t. The Tech defense is destroying everything he calls, and yet he has not adapted. He is either worse than we thought (which I tend to disagree with) or is trying to prove a point.

- Miami runs on 2^nd and long for a gain of 1.

- And Holly reports that Taylor takes advice from Michael Vick. Would love to hear that conversation.

HALFTIME

- GOD. DAMN. IT.

- “It’s the frickin’ green man. I’m tellin’ you, it’s a curse.” – Richard Stein

- My buddy Trent and I have the following text message exchange:

Trent: Why can’t we tackle?

Me: Or cover?

Trent: Or run?

Me: Or block?

Trent: Or catch?

3^rd QTR

- Cooper starts the half with a 39 yard return, across midfield.

- Hankerson and Byrd make big catches…and Javarris in for the touchdown! Exactly the type of big play we needed. This team looks re-energized.(21-7 VT)

- Randy Phillips will miss the rest of the game. Sh!t. He is really our only reliable safety. Which means our weakest position is now without its best player. Great.

- Is it me, or does Adrian Peterson looks like he has shingles or a severe skin condition in this Nike ad? I think I am going with Under Armor…

- Miami gets the ball back quickly and has a huge drive going…Jacory to Byrd after eluding pressure…Jacory to Epps… Cooper for 13 yards…

- Jimmy Graham drops 2 balls and Miami turns it over on downs. The announcers than harp on this play for roughly 2 hours. More on this later.

- Tech FG (24-7 VT)

- We need a turnover…our punt hits the VTech up-man and is on the ground…scrum for the ball ANNNNNNDDDDDD…Tech has it. No bounces today.

- Somewhere in there Millen made a joke about McDonough paying for something, which Sean followed with “Why don’t you pay with all the money you STOLE from the Detroit Lions, Matt?”

- That that last part didn’t happen, but it would have been AWESOME, right?

4^th QTR

- Taylor gets away with a ridiculous grounding call.

- Jacory throws a terrible pick. He had Byrd run a double-move that only works when the defender bites. Well, he didn’t bite, and Jacory threw it anyway. Sigh.

- Tech TD (31-7 VT)

- Don’t miss what critics are calling this year’s best “Lost” rip-off…Flash Forward!!

POSTGAME

- Well, that sucked. I have almost no notes for the 4^th quarter…there was nothing worth writing.

- Jimmy Graham is going to be the scapegoat for a lot of people, and that is unfair. Everyone played a bad game, and the team lost as a team. We will need Jimmy at some point this season, and I hope he bounces back. As I have said before, he is a great kid and has worked his ass off to become a weapon for this team so quickly. He played no worse than Jacory or Spence, and they are two of our best players. To be honest, Mark Whipple probably had the worst game of anyone for Miami.

- Not much else to say. I tip my hat to the Hokies, who came out and just rocked the ‘Canes in every aspect of the game. There was never really a moment when Miami had legit shot of winning, and Tech made sure to squash any spark of hope.

- At least Miami should be angry for the Sooners next week.

The Morning After

- First of all, let me say that this loss still hurts a lot and I am disappointed in the way the team played. However, let’s not lose sight of its significance. This is only the 3^rd game of the season, and the third time in a row the team had to get pumped up to play a very dangerous opponent. That takes an emotional toll on a young team. The team still has the same problems that it had coming in to the season. There are over 50 players listed as freshmen and sophomores on the roster. That is a huge number. There is no dependable depth, particularly at key positions such as offensive line and safety. The secondary plays as four separate pieces instead of one larger one, and special teams, particularly kick coverage, is spotty. This was always going to be a 2 or 3 loss team that really hit its stride late. Early success changed expectations, and everyone SHOULD want to go undefeated. But this is not a team that was going to realistically compete for a national title, not with the weakness of the upper classes on the roster. It is still a dangerous young team, and there are many good days ahead of it. But there are also going to be a few more bad ones.

- I have decided that the offense reminds me of the scene in “Pulp Fiction” with The Wolf. Jacory is the Wolf, and the rest of the team is Jules and Vincent. The Wolf is always calm, even when things are going badly (sounds like Jacory to me). As long as The Wolf is calm and Quentin Tarantino’s wife doesn’t come home, then Jules and Vincent are calm and collected and can get their job done. However, as calm as The Wolf is, if Quentin’s wife comes home from her shift as a nurse to find them cleaning up their mess (the dead body; for the purpose of this analogy, we can use Miami’s thin offensive line as the “mess”), they are all screwed. Well, against Virginia Tech The Wife came home. Jacory remained calm, but Virginia Tech’s blitz was the wife coming home too early and catching Jules and Vincent (the rest of the offense) trying to clean their mess; the result was a panic from Jules and Vincent that completely undermined the calm of The Wolf. I hope that made sense to everyone else, because it made sense to me.

- On defense, how does John Lovett not adjust at halftime? He should have been blitzing everyone, daring Taylor to beat us with his arm, which he never really did. That’s what Tech did in the first half, and Lovett saw it. I understand sticking to his game plan in the first half, but after watching Tech blow up our offense with the blitz in the first half, didn’t he think we could maybe do the same to them in the second? Or at least try it? Snarl.

Other Games I Watched

- Ole Miss vs. South Carolina: Not a good weekend for the Stein boys. Jevan Snead looked about as coordinated as Larry David trying to open his GPS.

- Nevada vs. Mizzou: As uninteresting as it sounds.

- UNC vs. Georgia Tech: Tech proved that they are indeed better than they showed against Miami. Or maybe UNC is just overrated. Whatever. Looks like another year of ACC cannibalization.

- Wisconsin vs. MSU: Flashbacks of the 9 year prison sentence that was my time in Green Bay. I flipped the channel really quickly. But I will take this time to say hello to my friend Doug that chose to study abroad in Kenya of all places (he goes to Madison). Congrats Douggie, Da Badgers are slightly less mediocre than Sparty!!!

- Yale vs. Cornell: Hey, it was on, ok? I don’t feel like I should have to defend myself for giving this game its due 5 minutes…

- Southern Miss vs. Kansas: Honestly, not much to say here.

- Indiana vs. Michigan: Or here.

- Auburn vs. Ball State: Or here.

Best Game: Iowa vs. Penn State, from what I understand. I really couldn’t bring myself to watch more football after the Miami game.

Best Uniform: Oregon, against all odds, in the throwbacks.

Game Ball Goes To: Bud Foster, Virginia Tech Defensive Coordinator. He made a great offense look silly. Well done. Prettay, prettaaay, prettaaaay, prettaaaay, prettay good (that’s 2 Curb references; I feel like Stein on the Sidelines is singlehandedly going to be responsible for the success of the current season).

Worst Uniform: Miami, white over green. Not the worst looking, but we already discussed this.

Trojan Enz © Boner of the Week Award: Me, for my picks last week. More on this in the next post.

Brian Rolle “Should’ve Been a ‘Cane” Award: Charles Clay, Tulsa. Clay is a big combo back for the Golden Hurricane and is extremely productive. We recruited him as an underrated linebacker out of Arkansas and lost out to…Tulsa?? What the hell? Anyway, we could certainly use as many big, physical linebacker/running back prospects as possible.

Non-BCS Name You Should Know: Deandre Brown, Southern Miss. Stud wide receiver. If he played at an SEC school, which he could have, he would be a household name like Julio Jones or A.J. Green.

Always guard the inbound passer.

Also, to my buddy Tim: good luck in Azerbeijan big guy.