Decided to throw a little curveball today... And by throw a curveball I mean post something that is so ridiculous that it makes me trying to come up with quips about the University of Miami’s backfield roster and posting it on a blog that roughly a dozen people read seem logical.
And yet, I digress.
Last week, I was reading an article about the fall of Roger Federer at Wimbledon. Brian Phillips made a reference involving Hamlet and a footnote including several other famous protagonists of Shakespearean tragedies.
And that got me thinking about Shakespeare and sports at large.
And since it was the Thursday before a long holiday weekend and I was playing pickup basketball later in the day, it got me thinking which two characters I would want to complete a team for 3 on 3.
And then I figured I would entertain myself by asking others in my office who they would take.
And then I started thinking who would win in a Sweet 16 Bracket of Shakespeare.
And then on Friday night at a bar, I asked someone else.
And then all weekend I thought about it.
And here we are.
I have constructed a bracket, fairly randomly, and pretty much at my own discretion after I listened to the picks of others. I have assigned each a seed 1-4, and assigned them in to regions. There are famous characters not on here. There are some seemingly random ones which I included.
I also have chosen to ignore the potential that, in the world of Shakespeare, any one of these characters might actually kill each other if they, I don’t know, breathed on each other wrong.
I think I have a pretty good knowledge of Shakespeare, but by no means am I an expert. There are surely good characters I am not including.
I’d actually love to hear some opinions on how I effed this up.
Having said all that (couched? Hedged?), here is how I see this little shindig playing out:
Region 1
1- MacBeth
2- Laertes
3- Brutus
4- Cassio/Cassius (Play-In Winner)
MacBeth, as far as I am concerned is the number one seed in the tournament. Two words sum him up best: Fucking Bloodbath.
Laertes gets points for killing Hamlet, an all time annoying character.
Brutus is essentially a good dude whose tragic flaws are honor and patriotism…guys like that have a spot in the tournament. Plus “Et tu Brutus” is an all time inscription for your tombstone. And Gus Johnson has earned the right to scream it as we send the game into the first commercial break following a made three pointer.
Cassio and Cassius are two names that are too similar and always confused me, although they are completely different characters. I only want one of them in my tournament, but both deserve a shot.
Region 2
1- Othello
2- MacDuff
3- Claudius
4- Romeo/Cleopatra (Play- In Winner)
Othello is a one seed for the obvious reasons: assumed to be athletic (racist?), highly decorated general, etc. 90% of the people I asked about this would have made him the number one pick. The Number 2 overall seed will have to do.
MacDuff is MacBeth’s foil and a sneaky 2 seed.
Claudius is kind of a prick, what with the whole fratricide matter, but he had the smarts to have Laertes do it for him. Know what that tells me? “Knows how to get the ball in the hands of his playmakers”.
Romeo is in here because he is only slightly smarter than Cleopatra, who I consider to be the role model for the typical stupid girl who doesn’t know what she wants. Really Romeo, not gonna check to make sure she’s actually dead before you swallow the poison? Really? Moron. I want neither of them in this tournament but I feel like the female readers (both of them) would be outraged (OUTRAGED!) if neither appeared.
Region 3
1- King Lear
2- Mercutio
3- Lady MacBeth
4- Hippolyta
King Lear is a number one seed because, well, he is more famous than the guy who is the 2 here….
…Mercutio. Total badass, started strong but lost himself a little down the stretch. Still, a threat to catch fire and just murder everyone. Not literally. Well, maybe a little. Second most popular number one pick in my mock drafts, as well.
Lady MacBeth is the ultimate nagging wife and deserves a spot in this tournament for no other reason than the fact that she is the most powerful character in probably the 3rd best Shakespeare play.
Hippolyta is the Queen of the Amazons and the daughter of Ares. She has a magic girdle. A fucking MAGIC GIRDLE.
Yes, this is the group of death.
Region 4
1- Hamlet
2- Marc Antony
3- Iago
4- Puck
This is the crazy bracket. 1-4, anyone could take it on any given day. Hamlet stealing a one seed is like when St. Joseph’s dominates a terrible Atlantic 10 behind Jameer Nelson and Delonte West and before we know it they are 32-1 and in the Sweet 16.
Marc Antony is a 2 because he steamrolled his way through the regular season in chase of the one thing he wants more than anything else…although not always rationally.
Iago is my sleeper pick for the whole tournament. He is the definition of everything that is evil. He is a user of people. If I had to think of a real life equivalent, I’d make a basketball version of Ivan Drago. Wait, you mean making up a player based on a fake boxer is not a “real life equivalent”? Oops. Anyway, no one wants the guy to win but deep down they know it’s coming.
(Unless he is playing the Heat, in which case everyone in this country would find it within themselves to root for him if he is a German guy with blonde hair and blue eyes. Not that I am bitter. And yet, I digress.)
Puck is literally an elf. Keep an eye on him though. J.J. Barea just won an NBA Title. Fact. J.J. Barea is doinking Miss Universe. Fact.
Round 1
Macbeth vs. Cassius
Cassio is a gentleman who rises to rank of general…mostly because he is a gentleman. He’s like the genius offensive coordinator who becomes a system coach that gets by on gimmicks. Uh uh. Not working in this tournament.
This sets up the interesting matchup between MacBeth, who is a merciless killer but able to be manipulated (see: Macbeth, The Lady), and Cassius, who persuaded Brutus, a good man, TO KILL THE CAESAR. Kind of.
Anyway, MacBeth probably comes out a little stiff as Cassius starts with the trash talk early on and gets him thinking. We’ll even say Cassius might be winning at the half. However, in the locker room MacBeth realizes that Cassius can’t withhold sex from him and comes out angry. Heads roll. Not literally.
Laertes vs. Brutus
Two pawns match up in the first round. I give the slight edge to Brutus, who seems more able, as he at least survived after the murder of Caesar for long enough to raise an army and a little hell. Close until the end, but Brutus wins when Laertes hurts himself in the middle of an intentional foul (NERDY JOKE!) in the final five minutes.
Othello vs. Cleopatra
Romeo loses the first round after misreading the scoreboard at the end (NERDY JOKE!), thinking he was down 3 instead of tied, which leads to a bad, quick shot, an easy rebound for Cleo and a breakaway layup to end the game.
Othello hates the very idea of Cleopatra’s infidelity and runs her off the court. Not even close.
MacDuff vs. Claudius
Without his pawn, Claudius is doomed. MacDuff makes quick work of him early and then sends a scare into MacBeth, who is nervously watching the game to scout his potential future competition, by walking off the court. Literally, just walking. (NERDY JOKE!)
Hamlet vs. Puck
The first major upset of the tournament!! The trickster (as literally every description I have read of the character labels him) uses a wide assortment of floaters in the lane, pesky defense and a few lucky bounces to take out the 1 seed. In the clutch, Hamlet can’t keep it together. As Brian Phillips described:
He was indecisive. He was slow to act. He looked like he'd rather be in a grove
somewhere getting depressed about epistemology than knifing the motherfucker who X'd his dad.
Marc Antony vs. Iago
Iago plays the whole game with a handkerchief hanging out the back of his shorts that looks like the fabric of a dress Cleopatra wore once. Antony is in control at one point, but he lets Iago get in his head and does something stupid (NERDY JOKE!).
King Lear vs. Hippolyta
Lear’s craziness would undo most foes, but Hippolyta’s Godly bloodlines keep her calm. The fact that she is probably 7 feet tall (ya know…QUEEN OF THE AMAZONS) doesn’t hurt either. Hippolyta in the upset!
King Lear is later found dead at sea on board a catamaran. If you get that reference, you really are a true basketball fan.
Mercutio vs. Lady MacBeth
Mercutio didn’t come here to mess around. He is sick of everyone’s crap and is making no bones about it. The Lady never had a shot. Besides, I want “Perfect Wingman” to beat “Murderous, Overbearing Wife” every single time. And this is my bracket, damn it!
Round 2
MacBeth vs. Brutus
MacBeth is now on edge after MacDuff’s victory, which strangely works in his favor. He is the rare player that gets better as he gets angrier…he is the closest thing to Jordan we have in this tournament.
Othello vs. MacDuff
Honestly, this is a bit of a coin flip. I can’t think of anything to base this off other than Othello’s overwhelming physical gifts (racist?) and battlefield training. Othello is a close one.
Iago vs. Puck
Puck keeps his hot streak going and takes it right into Iago’s chest from the jump. Iago is a finesse guy, preferring to operate in the background and hang back while things go to hell around him. His mental games don’t work on the elf, who knows how to handle himself after a lifetime of short jokes, and Iago’s lack of athleticism is exposed.
Mercutio vs. Hippolyta
This is the best game of the tournament to this point, going to three overtimes as the two battle back and forth. Mercutio is a force of nature, but Hippolyta was made for the physical play of this tournament. This is JJ Reddick vs. Tyler Hansbrough: the flamboyant scorer vs. the Meat-N-Potatoes banger.
After this game, everyone realizes that these were both 1 seeds and that next year there should be re-seeding after the first round. In the end, it is too late to save Mercutio, who plays every minute so hard that he is barely able to stay upright by the end.
Final Four
MacBeth vs. Puck
This is where things get interesting. Puck surely has won the hearts and minds of the people. MacBeth comes out strong, but looks up at halftime and is only up 4. MacBeth spends halftime brooding and tries to impose his sheer will on Puck as the second half commences… but Puck keeps pace. Down the stretch, Puck is able to get to the hole at will as MacBeth’s paranoia raises with his temper and he begins to take bad chances. Puck keeps him off balance and pulls away as MacBeth fold within himself at the buzzer. DO YOU BELIEVE IN MIRACLES?!
Puck’s fans stay around for the next game in hopes of watching a second 4 over 1 upset in one evening.
Othello vs. Hippolyta
The two best physical specimens in the tourney, Othello is up 12 with three minutes left when he gets cocky. Think LeBron and Crew having a parade before the season…or Othello throwing a party because a storm destroyed the enemy army at Cyprus (NERDY JOKE!).
Does it ever work out? No.
And it doesn’t here either. The crowd goes wild as two 4 seeds advance to the final!
Finals
Puck vs. Hippolyta
This is the classic Dwight Howard vs. Chris Paul argument.
(We’ve all had it, right? Right? RIGHT?!)
Both have magical capability, which cancels each other out. In the end, this turns into the type of boring clash of styles that throws both teams off their rhythm and puts an emphasis on defense and sheer endurance. After two straight epic games, Hippolyta is gassed late in the game, and Puck takes advantage, going on a Kemba Walker-like 6/7 run in the final twelve minutes to seal the game and with it the title.
David takes down Goliath.
Gus Johnson hyperventilates.
Puck scores a date with Marissa Miller.
A record number of births are seen exactly nine months later.
Hippolyta does more for Women’s Equality than Billie Jean King could ever dream.
No more time is wasted by Stein on the Sidelines creating an imaginary basektball tournament of imaginary literary figures from half a century ago.
All is right.
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