Georgia Tech Hate Week

I hate Georgia Tech.

Let’s start with the obvious: their whole student body is filled with the kids that made you hate college.

Don’t believe me? Watch this ass clown:

Listen, I am a pretty big geek myself. I love Harry Potter and Game of Thrones, my favorite action figures growing up were Han Solo and Boba Fett, and I skipped out on more than one night of drinking to binge watch LOST. 

These kids give geeks like me a bad name. These kids make me want to punch babies. 

These kids are so busy NOT talking to chicks at their 90% male campus that they think up dopey welcome speeches filled with exclamation points so as to mask the obvious truth that the freshmen in attendance face a sexless, sausage fest, hellscape of a 4 year experience. 

(Admittedly they all make more money than me so I guess this is all about priorities)

The only thing that could probably be counted as a “party” at this Blackhole of higher education is a good old fashioned, deep south football Saturday. Right? Wrong!

Not only are all the best looking women up the road in Athens for a REAL football game, but the ones who remain have to watch stupid Paul Johnson and his triple option offense that all the good teams in the conference figured out how to stop 4 years ago.

I am sure it NEVER gets old watching your team start 3-0 against Elon, East Carolina and North Carolina A&T, then scrape one out against (insert middle tier ACC team here), and then lose 3 out of 5 ACC games, pray that everyone else in the division shits the bed (which sure as shit happens because the ACC is a raging tire fire), back in to the ACC title game the same weekend you get destroyed by Georgia, and then lose to FSU or Clemson and play in the Sun Bowl. 

Paul Johnson is the worst. I mean, look at the guy.

He looks like the door man at Jabba the Hutt’s nightclub.

(See, I can nerd it up with the best of them. And I STILL hate Georgia Tech students.)

His team is consistently talent-poor because, despite being located in Atlanta, he refuses to actually recruit like a major college football program in the Deep South. No elite high school athletes genuinely want to come play in his shit-tastic Triple Option offense, which was last en vogue in 1984. So what would a normal coach do, when everyone else has figured out their system and no one wants to come play in it?

He would change the system, right? Right.

But not my boy Paul. Paul likes going 7-5. Actually, he LOVES going 7-5.

So they end up with some quarterback who cannot throw the ball (see: Josh Nesbitt, Tevin Washington) and a bunch of little white guys blocking for him and a bunch of slow running backs (Jonathan Dwyer) / transfer running backs (Anthony Allen) who tried to be good elsewhere and then said “fuck it”. They always manage to have a big, tall, fast receiver (literally, they have EXACTLY one on every roster) who spends 95% of his time blocking and occasionally gets open and catches a bomb because the other team’s secondary gets bored covering him and starts looking in the backfield. 

Watch Sunday Night Football sometime when the Broncos or Jets are playing. Do Demariyous Thomas and Stephen Hill sound excited when they tell everyone they went to Georgia Tech?

This year is no different. Vad Lee is the quarterback and will probably do some stuff on the ground, but he looks like a monkey humping a door knob when it is time to throw the ball. David Sims is the "B Back", AKA the slow running back who takes the ball and runs it up the middle when Lee options to the "dive" portion of the triple option. DeAndre Smelter is the tall, fast receiver who will catch a couple of deep balls per game. Their best player is actually on defense, and his name is Jeremiah Attauchou, and he can blitz the quarterback. Know what all this means? IT MEANS THIS IS THE EXACT SAME GEORGIA TECH TEAM WE HAVE PLAYED EVERY YEAR SINCE PAUL JOHNSON TOOK OVER.

This boredom isn’t the only thing that makes Paul Johnson a skid mark on the underpants of society. His scheme requires his slow, tiny offensive linemen to cut block the entire game. Cut blocking means diving at your opponent’s knees. Now, every team cut blocks occasionally. But Georgia Tech does it dirtier and on EVERY SINGLE PLAY. They take pride on shredding ACLs. They are the guy in the pickup basketball game that throws elbows and hacks on every play, and then goes APE SHIT when someone calls him for a foul. Know why? Because Paul Johnson sucks at life.

At this juncture, I normally  find a famous alumni and shit on them for a while before wrapping it up. However, when I typed in “famous Georgia Tech alumni” in to Google all I could find was a long list of engineers and chemists and laureates and whole bunch of crap I can’t make fun of.

EFF YOU JEFF FOXWORTHY! THIS IS THE SCHOOL THAT GAVE US ‘YOU MIGHT BE A REDNECK’!

(Just doesn’t feel right. I think it is time to end this.)

Their mascot is the Yellow Jacket, otherwise known as a bumble bee, and even that I can’t really make fun of too badly, other than the obvious, hilarious Nic Cage “NOT THE BEES” meme that everyone else is doing in their blog about this game. They drive a 1940’s Model T on to the field before every game, which symbolizes their program pretty well: Much like Ford, it peaked in the 40s and, outside of a brief revival in 1990 when the rest of the world went to shit, has been in decline ever since.

Screw you Georgia Tech. You are a basketball school that sucks at basketball inside of a city that only cares about football. This game should be a blowout but probably won’t be because you play dirty football.

The Canes will roll if we stop the dive play and force the ball out on the pitch, which is where our fast linebackers like Tyrone Cornelius and Denzel Perryman gobble it up. The reason the 'Canes blew such a huge lead last year was a failure to play their assignment. We didn't shut down the dive, which opened up their whole offense and let them get in to the alleys, which spread our defense out and thus made the dive even more effective. In other words, you beat this offense by beating it from the inside out. The defensive front 7 has to play well, and I have seen nothing so far to convince me they won't.

I just hope for no injuries against their asshole offensive linemen; and for one more point than they get.  

Also, to all Georgia Tech alumni who will potentially and likely be my boss one day, please don't hold this against me.