UiF Hate Week

Christ, do I hate UiF.

Where do I even start with this list?

I hate the city of Gainesville. I lived there for almost a year. Gainesville is a shittier version of Tallahassee, if you can imagine that. Go to Morgantown, West Virginia, but make the people twice as religious and five times as Angel Dusted out, and then add 200,000 strip malls, and you get Gainesville. 

I hate Tim Tebow. Good God do I hate Tim Tebow. I hate that I have to hear about his arm punting, 790 SAT-scoring ass every day even though he just got cut by his second team in one offseason. 

Hey Tim… Jacory Harris thinks you suck at downfield passing. Kirby Freeman says he has better mechanics than you. Kyle Wright could improve your pocket awareness. The Broncos got rid of you for a 36 year old coming off of a neck surgery. 

Oh and one more thing about Tim; I came real close to making a joke here about his mom and that anti-abortion commercial. Do you have any idea how much you have to suck as an individual to take me down that road? On the list of things you don’t joke about, abortion is somewhere near the Holocaust and, in certain parts of this country, Sherman’s March to the Sea.

I hate Will Muschamp. I actually kind of used to like Muschamp until he became the head coach at UiF and I realized what an amazingly insufferable ass clown he is. The guy cancelled the spring game this year because he was afraid of his team getting hurt. Know how the Football Gods rewarded that effort? They gave Matt Jones Gonorrhea, Jeff Driskel Chlamydia induced Appednicitis and half your o-line a case of the blown-out-knee-itis.

Speaking of Jeff Driskel, boy do I hate that Troglodyte mouth breather. The off-season has been one long “Jeff Driskel is a Heisman Candidate just look at him he even runs like Tebow DERRRRRRPPPPPPPPPPP” derp-fest from the national media, and it quite frankly is agonizingly painful to listen to. This  is the same Neanderthal who threw for 61 yards against LSU last year. 61. He threw for 77 yards against the powerhouse that is Vanderbilt. He threw for 93 yards against South Carolina, 106 against the Mizzou Meth Heads and 98 against the buzzsaw that is the Louisiana Lafayette defense.

Jeff Driskel looks like a guy that will one day be brought down in a child pornography ring.

Flipping to the other side of the ball, UiF’s best player is probably linebacker Antonio Morrison. This is the genius that got arrested and then BARKED BACK AT THE POLICE DOG. You honestly cannot make something dumber than that up. 

“Go to the moon…Go Gatas.”

I hate that they got sick of losing to us every year and decided their best way to deal with it was take us off the schedule. Pansies. I hate the Florida Flop. I hate that they are actively rooting for us to have wins vacated by the NCAA  so that they can have the all time series advantage. 

“Go win on a technicality….GO GATAS.”

I hate Corrine Brown. “I LIKE TO GRATULATE DA GUH GUH GUH GUH GATAS ON DEYAHH NASHNUL CHAMPCHIP AND CORCH IRVING MEYAHSSS AYUNDDD TIM TIVO DERP DERP DERP DERP DERP.” Yes, the state of Florida elected her to a national government position. The jokes write themselves sometimes.

I hate Gator fans. People talk about games at “DA SWAMP” as some sort of other worldly experience. Newsflash: a game in Gainesville  is like breast stroking down a river of shit, with your mouth wide open, while a 300 pound man named Johnny Lee holds your head down.

 “Tailgating” means sitting in some shitty parking lot in 98 degree heat with 100% humidity surrounded by every Bubba and Jim Bob in  North Central Florida wearing their jean shorts and crocs and cut off Tebow jerseys and drinking full cases of Natty Light and yelling about Tebow and Percy Harvin and the Ol Ballcoach. 

And here's the thing: the one immutable advantage big state schools are supposed to haveover everyone else is an unlimited supply of beautiful, dumb, bleached blonde sorority girls who are studying to be a kindergarten teacher or whatever and really spend most of their time getting in the best shape they can so as to attract some trust fund baby from their partner fraternity. UiF can't even get that right....98% of their women define the term "pork loin shoulder".

This is one of the most racist fans bases this side of LSU, and therefore they boo a black quarterback like Jacoby Brissett when he turns in a mediocre performance and call for his benching in favor of the aforementioned Jeff Driskel, who is just as shitty but at least he is a white guy. When their head coaching job came open, guess who didn’t get an interview? Charlie Strong, a guy who spent a decade coaching the Gators in one capacity or the other as an assistant and most recently has turned Louisville from a tomato can in to a BCS contender. Instead they hired Muschamp, who had exactly zero experience being the head coach of anything. 

Last year, Strong and Muschamp met up in the Sugar Bowl, and Strong’s undermanned Big East team won by 10 points.

 I hate their obnoxious orange and blue colors. They just took the main colors of the two piece of shit colleges that used to be on their eyesore campus and combined them into one perfectly shitty color palate.

And want to know what’s even better? Their famous chant is when one side of the stadium yells “orange” and then the other side yells…you guessed it…”blue”.

I don’t know if I have sufficiently made this point yet, but they are not exactly rocket scientists up in Gainesville.

The only cheer more annoying is when they are losing and start their “S-E-C, S-E-C” bullshit. Is there anything more pathetic than that chant? This is like if the Japanese had started chanting “U-S-A” after the second bomb. 

All in all, my level of hatred for UiF is above Florida State and below….I don’t know…Al Qaeda, if I had to pick something.

Let the hate flow through you.