Wake Forest Hate Week

Time to get our hate on for the Ned Flanders of the ACC, Wake Forest.

This season on Eastbound and Down, one of the boring ass dudes that Kenny Powers is forced to put up with regularly because of his wife constantly wears a Wake Forest polo.

He is an emasculated, bored, pitiful suburban father who has accepted his marginal existence and is henpecked to death by his wife, who is a Grade A bitch on wheels.

He looks like the kind of guy that wears socks with sandals and baggy cargo shorts; not because he thinks it is stylish, but because he has ceased to care. He seems to make a nice living at a boring job, which he uses to support his 2.4 children.

He IS Wake Forest.

Wake Forest is the dude that CONSTANTLY gets friend zoned by the girl next door that he sat next to in Math sophomore year. I mean, we have all been there before, but Wake Forest has never NOT been there.

There is an old joke in basketball crazy North Carolina that Wake Forest is everyone’s second favorite team.

It couldn’t be more on the money.

I would be willing to bet that 45% of the remaining  Jay Leno Fan Club is comprised of Wake Forest alumni.

President would probably be Wake Forest’s most famous alum, Tim Duncan. Tim Duncan is without a doubt a Top 10 NBA player of all time. He is the best player of a generation. He is probably the best power forward to ever play the game. And yet, he was overshadowed by, at different times: Shaq, Kobe, Kevin Garnett, Lebron James and Allen Freakin’ Iverson. His signature move was a bank shot high off the backboard. 

He IS Wake Forest.

Look at their mascot. They’re called the Demon Deacons, but really, it is just an old, southern aristocrat who looks like he probably has illegitimate children with the help.

Their quarterbacks always have some SUPER WASP-y name. Last time we played it was Riley Skinner. Now it is Tanner Price. They are LITERALLY the same football player. They have LITERALLY the same haircut, and they will LITERALLY have the same post-playing career as a crappy broadcaster on an internet channel.

They ARE Wake Forest.

Wake Forest is hard to get a feel on. They have pretty much the same type of team every year under Jim Grobe, and yet they range from sneaky tough (they have played in a BCS Bowl more recently than Miami has) to absolute dogshit. Want proof? Miami is 4-0 against Wake since joining the ACC. The scores?
52-7, 47-17, 16-10, 28-27. Two blowouts, two dogfights.

They got toasted by Clemson 56-7, but just beat Maryland 34-10. Shit if I know.

Wake has a pretty decent running back (Josh Harris), a slot receiver that will end up with like 13 catches against us (Michael Campanaro) and a couple of really nice players on defense (Merrill Noel and Nikita Whitlock). This could be North Carolina all over again, or it could play out like the complete and utter mismatch it looks like on paper. Miami is flat out more talented, bigger, faster and stronger. There is no reason for this to be close. It is at home; however, it is also at noon, and we have seen before how that can lead to a dazed football team. Just like North Carolina, the longer this team hangs around the ball game the more confident they will get.

Sidenote: I went to high school with a kid named Josh Harris. He was a turd sandwich. Screw Josh Harris.

Miami needs to play mistake free, pound them with the running game, and hit the opposing quarterback. Do that, and it ain’t no thing. The name of the game at this point is Survive and Advance, so style points don’t matter anymore. That is the perk of being ranked #7…people in front of you will keep losing so all you have to do is win.

As esteemed Demon Deacon Charlie Crist once said…actually I couldn’t find anything even remotely exciting that any of their alumni ever said ever. How very Wake Forest.