I hate
Lousiville somethin’ awful.
I hate their
uniforms.
I hate their
fans. A lot. Especially after sitting in a Lousiville section at that bowl
game. I have lived in A LOT of the southern states. NEVER have I heard so many
people make the word “well” into a three syllable word. As in: Way-yuh-ulll, y’all
have to look at the stateeeyuhstiyuhcs to really understaayunnd whyyy Teddy
Bridgewater ZZZZZZZZZZZZZZZZZZZZZZZZZZZZZ. That last part was where I was zoned
out halfway through the sentence. You get the point.
I would rather talk to one of the famous Bluegrass State horses about football than 99% of their fans. At least Mr. Ed gets to the point in a timely fashion.
I hate that
their most famous alumni is Papa John. I don’t even need to explain this one, I
don’t think. F that guy and his shitty garlic sauce.
Mostly, I
hate that they hired that ruthless scum bag Bobby Petrino, who is a great
football coach and great God fearing man except for the following (highly recommend reading that link right there, as SB Nation did a great job of going in depth on this):
·
In
2001, left his job as Jaguars Offensive Coordinator to become OC at Auburn
without informing anyone, including Tom Coughlin…the guy who had given him his
job in the first place
·
After
one year at Auburn, Petrino accepts the Louisville head coaching job. He then
interviews with Auburn boosters for the Auburn head job, behind the back of his
current boss (Lousiville AD Tom Jurich) and his former boss WHO WAS STILL THE
COACH AT AUBURN (Tommy Tuberville). Petrino then lies through his teeth about it
ever happening until confronted by reporters with the flight manifest for the
private plane used in this whole charade.
·
Petrino
interviews for multiple other jobs (LSU, Notre Dame, Oakland Raiders) over the
next 2 years but maintains he has “no interest in other jobs”.
·
June
2006, Petrino signs 10 year extension at Louisville and declares he “isn’t
going anywhere”. You know where this is going, right?
·
January
2007, Petrino goes elsewhere, leaving to become the head coach of the Atlanta
Falcons.
·
December
2007, Petrino resigns from Falcons after 13 games VIA STICKY NOTE. That night,
he is announced as head coach at Arkansas.
·
December
2008, Jurich states that he had to kick 21 of Petrino’s players out of school
after he left for disciplinary reasons. Twenty Fucking One.
·
The
Obra Maestra: April 2012, Petrino crashes his motorcycle. His passenger is
revealed to be a 25 year old MARRIED athletic department staffer with whom
Petrino is having an affair. Petrino tries to cover his tracks by asking a
witness not to call 911. Arkansas participates in the cover up by saying he was
alone in the crash. YOU KNOW DAMNED WELL THEY KNEW. Also, this sidepiece of
his? She was a 6 at best. If you’re a multi-millionaire head coach of a
football team in the football obsessed “SEC Country” (home of Unironic Jorts,
Tim Tebow and Race Riots!), doesn’t that say something about the man?
·
It
is later revealed that Petrino gave his mistress a gift of $20,000 (what we on
the coasts refer to as “hush money”; what folks in the SEC call “the cost of
doin business”). He is fired by Arkansas and never works again.
·
JUST
KIDDING! Petrino coaches Western Kentucky for one season before leaving
for…Louisville. Back to where it all started! Time to re-build those
sandcastles and un-torch those bridges! Because, ya know…POINTS!
·
4
months into his new gig, a Lousiville starter decided to leave the program
because of how big an asshole Petrino is. His literal words were “Bobby
Motherfucking Petrino”. By the way, Arkansas has been shitty ever since he
left, just like Lousiville was shitty for like 5 years the last time he left.
Noticing a trend here? This dude leaves more cities and relationships in ruins
than ISIS.
Petrino
joins Rick Pitino in the Louisville
coaching family. Pitino is a great basketball coach and family man when he
isn’t busy cheating on his wife in the booth of a restaurant with a woman whose
abortion he later paid for.
Stay classy,
Louisville.
Also,
Petrino and Papa John got together and gave a monster contract to Todd Grantham
to come be the new Defensive Coordinator. Listen, Grantham will forever have a
place in my heart after flipping off some Gators DURING A GAME. He was just
keeping up foreign relations, ya know?
But Grantham
is the type of dude that gets typecast as a Sheriff or enforcer for the Dixie
Mafia in a bad Johnny Knoxville caper mover. Georgia fans ran him out of town
after last season. One of the reasons everyone is loading up on Georgia to win
their division this year, even without the best QB in their program’s history
and no surefire replacement, is because Grantham is gone.
Grantham and
Petrino are already publicly feuding; Petrino apparently wants to fire him but
can’t because of the massive buyout Lousiville would have to pay.
Everyone
gives Al Golden crap for his kind of monotonous marketing lines and his 7
Pillars, but wouldn’t you rather have all that super generic coach-y stuff than
The Petrino Way? Seriously, how long before Petrino gets caught in a hot tub
with a 17 year old co-ed? Over/under is at 3.5 months.
Anyway,
Petrino is crazy like a fox. His offenses always score. I have no idea what to
expect from him this season, but I would bet that unless our D grew a big set
of balls in the offseason, at BEST this will be a shootout. Which isn’t great
for us considering we will be taking a new quarterback, on the road, at night,
on national TV, against a team that mollywhopped us the last time we were on
the field.
I don't know what I am rooting for more: a Miami win or Grantham to turn on Petrino halfway through the 3rd quarter, hit him with a steel chair and execute a Hulk Hogan leg drop.
Let the hate
flow through you.
By far, the best blog ever!
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