The Return of El Tigre

Hello All,

There once was a time where, for roughly 8-12 Sunday afternoons a year, my dad and I would sit in front of the television and watch Tiger Woods play golf.

Golf is a sport I find incredibly frustrating to play in person, and to be honest, boring to watch on television.

And yet, ever since the April weekend in 1997 when Tiger announced his presence to the world at Augusta, I have been unable to get enough of watching the Big Cat stalk the fairways.

He is a once in a lifetime type of figure. He made football fans jump up and pump their fist when he nailed a birdie putt because he played with the kind of fire and emotion that I had only ever known before in Michael Jordan or Michael Irvin... he made me want to pretend to hit holes in one just as much as I pretended to hit the game winning three or score the big touchdown.

Phil Mickelson was a nice dude, but give 14 year old me the choice between watching him play golf or going outside and playing football in the snow and it wasn't even a conversation.

Tiger was an event. He was greatness defined, the closest I would get to watching a Jordan in his

prime.

And then he fell.

The car crash. The women. The botched PR attempt. And the loss of his game.

Tiger Woods, the world's most marketable man, had become persona non-grata.

And it seemed to me like everyone was a little too happy to watch it.

I was graduated from college for about six months when the story broke. It was a story that I tried to ignore as much as possible, because the reality is that I pretty much knew what happened without having to hear what happened.

Tiger got married too young and didn't deal well with temptation.

Tiger made some bad choices. Choices I would like to think I would not put myself in position to make but in a way can understand. And so I didn't give up. Neither did my dad.

It is weird to think about, because looking back now my dad and I spent so much time together watching a golfer who was, it turns out, an AWFUL family man. The type of dad you tell your kids NOT to be like.

But he was still our guy. We never gave up on him. It just didn't feel right without him. Not The Masters. Not The U.S. Open. None of it.

So, much like we do with seemingly all of our teams right now (I see you Orioles / Dolphins / Hurricanes), my dad and I suffered through the lean years, waiting for the re-emergence.

And waited.

And waited.

We saw glimpses of the Old Tiger every now and then. Last year at the Masters, for about 9 holes, Tiger caught the course on fire again. He was drilling approach shot lasers and stalking the field (literally). The pack ahead of him on the leaderboard could hear him coming as the gallery exploded for every big make. He was pumping his fist. This was our guy.

And then, as so often has happened over these past three years, his putter failed him. It makes sense, given the emotional baggage he has carried, that the most mental part of the game would be his undoing.

Tiger kept wandering, trying and failing to find his game.

Until this weekend. At his favorite course, Bay Hill, Tiger vaulted to the top of the pack on Saturday and came in to Sunday with the lead.

The old Tiger did not lose on Sunday. His mere presence atop the leaderboard put so much pressure on the field that they crumbled around him. THIS would finally be a real test; was he back?

He answered immediately. Her smoked his first drive. He drilled approach shots. He hit ten straight greens in regulation to start.

The NBC broadcast team shared a great little nugget late in the telecast: Of the final 16 golfers to go off, Tiger was the only one under par on the brutal course.

That's right, folks: everyone else crumbled around him.

Our guy was back. The guy who we had spent so many afternoons on the couch cheering for, almost as hard as we would have a Hurricanes football game. The guy who, even when I was away at school, my dad and brother and I would exchange phone calls or text messages about seemingly every weekend as he chased down another win. Old Tiger. New Tiger. Who cares?

Hell, he was finally TIGER again, and that was good enough for me.

As the tournament drew to an end, you could see the swag returning. He was stalking the course like, well, a tiger.

Finally, there was only the 18th, and Tiger had a 5 stroke lead and his birdie putt. As he read the green, the cameras caught Tiger cupping his hands to the visor of his ballcap, as he often does.

And then, in an act that was perhaps the death of hard times and the rebirth of the most dominant athlete of a generation, Tiger looked away from the ball and smiled.

I would be lying if I said it didn't get a little dusty in Casa de Bro.

He rolled his birdie putt to within a couple feet. He tapped in the par for the official win.

I texted my dad and brother as I sat there uncontrollably smiling.

My dad texted me back "for Tiger and for all those who never lost faith."

I'll drink to that.

The Elephant Graveyard

Hello All,

The Miami Dolphins have officially become the Elephant Graveyard of the NFL.

I have been shouting (literally) about this for years, much to the chagrin of my poor father, who has had to listen to me rant and rave while I drive home through the Santa Monica Boulevard rush hour traffic for the better part of two years.

Only now, in what has become known by many people who know what they are talking about as the worst off season in the history of the NFL, are the masses joining the party. At this point,

The once proud franchise of Don Shula and Dan Marino has become the laughingstock of the NFL. Even the groundskeepers from Major League think this team is exceptionally bad.

They are no longer relevant or important.

Perhaps saddest of all: this is not a shock to any true fan of the team. We all kind of knew.

(But hey, at least I still have the gloriously owned and operated Baltimore Orioles to root on as they contend for World Series after World Series!)

This has not been a sudden drop like we saw with the Hurricanes, where one day they were national title contenders and the next they were playing Nevada in the MicronPC Bowl.

Nay; this has been a slow rot, like my grandparents’ old house just up the road in Boca Raton. It was great in the early 90’s and ever since has been falling to shambles. The best move at this point is to hit the reset button.

Let’s take a look at General Manager Jeff Ireland’s Worst Week Ever.

First of all, he traded star receiver Brandon Marshall (AKA our best effing player) for two third round picks. Which might make sense if Ireland was good at drafting, which he most certainly is not.

Ireland then got used for leverage by Peyton Manning and Eric Winston, the top free agents on the board at possibly (i.e. definitely) the team’s two biggest need positions (QB and RT). Nothing wrong with chasing a guy and missing, unless your pursuit of those two leads you to miss out on the remainder of the market at those positions. Which the Dolphins did.

A week in to free agency, Ireland cut veteran and team leader Yehemiah Bell. Bell has lead the Dolphins in tackles every year since the 70’s (possibly a slight exaggeration) and lead the defensive backfield. He is a good man and a great teammate. Ireland cut Bell after assuring Bell before the free agency period that he would not be cut.

As former NFL player Seth Payne said on Twitter, “releasing a guy one week into free agency is like making your kid go trick or treating the day after Halloween.” And this was the most liked / respected guy on the roster.

And then, to top it all off, on the day the Broncos agreed to terms with Peyton Manning the Dolphins signed…David Garrard’s Dead Body. The guy who was benched by the Jaguars in favor of a crappy rookie (no offense Blaine Gabbert fans) and sat out all of last season because nobody wanted him. Keep in mind that this is the league in which TJ Yates started two playoff games.

As pundits around the nation began to take notice of these hi jinks, voices from within the league started to perk up. Former players Joey Porter and Channing Crowder and former free agent target Ryan Clark all gave their two cents and the end result went something like this: Ireland is snake and an asshole and no one wants to play for him.

It doesn’t end with players either. In the past year, Ireland has made very public runs at two guys to be his coach: Jim Harbaugh and Jeff Fisher. Both toyed with the Dolphins. Both chose to coach elsewhere, despite money not being a concern.

Most guys would be fired for this kind of crap. Ireland, who came in as part of “The Triumvirate” with Bill Parcells and Tony Sparano, is somehow still around despite the other two leaving the crime scene. Not only that, but he has the support of the owner, Stephen Ross (a turd in his own right but at least a rich turd).

This is the same guy that asked a draft prospect if his mother was a hooker. The same guy that torpedoed last season by completely undermining the head coach in public. (Jim Harbaugh nods fiendishly)

This guy is the reason the Dolphins cannot fill a stadium. He has driven the organization in to the pits of mediocrity and somehow been rewarded for it.

The smart move here is to start from the ground up. This team is at least two years away from playoff contention IF the right moves are made. As we all know, it is really hard to make those moves in professional sports from the middle. So you bottom out. You burn the undergrowth in order to foster new life.

Ride with Matt Moore as your quarterback this season. Sign Jake Long and Cameron Wake, your two franchise guys at this point, to extensions. Draft the best player available. Save your money in free agency (which should not be a problem considering we can’t give it to any of the players we want anyway) and build through player evaluation. Find guys that work in your system. Start building the framework this season so that next season, when you finally draft the franchise quarterback (Matt Barkley, Tyler Wilson, etc.) they can hit the ground running. And of course, get rid of Ireland. Get someone young and hungry from an organization that knows what it is doing (like the Packers or Ravens).

Of course, this organization will almost assuredly do the opposite. They will rearrange the deck chairs on the Titanic to try and save their jobs.

I just hope that Dolphins fans react by telling the ownership that you can’t piss on our heads and call it rain anymore.

I hope the stadium stays empty until Ireland is gone. Lucky for me, this started last season and I have no reason to believe it will be any different come September.

Rebuilding is not fun. One or two more bad seasons will suck to watch, but is it any worse than going 8-8 every year?

Is it worse than this offseason?

Always guard the inbound passer.

Opening Day

Hello All,

The beginning of spring is upon us, as marked by opening weekend for the Miami Hurricanes baseball squad.

And as they say, hope springs eternal.

The last time I wrote about the Hurricanes, it was an open letter to Jim Morris demanding that this team get tougher and get back to playing the type of baseball that made this the most successful program of the last twenty years (I am sure he devoured it and took it to heart…and also possibly got confused why I was essentially writing the same exact letter to him I had just

written to Al Golden).

Well, this might just be the spring talking, but it looks like this is the type of Miami team we once upon a time grew accustomed to.

Since last season, Morris has added an old face at pitcher that should front the rotation at best and provide a steady veteran presence that has been to Omaha at worst (Eric Erickson) and a new face at catcher (Pete O’Brien) that should be the centerpiece of the everyday lineup and provide the threat to opposing pitchers that last year’s team lacked.

Perhaps more importantly, Morris brought back Gino Dimare, who was a terrible third base coach (think Boston-era Dale Sveum) but has always been one helluva recruiter and hitting coach. It is never this black and white, but the last time this team went to Omaha was the last season Dimare was on the coaching staff. He has his shortcomings, but he knows what it is like to be around championship baseball. That cannot be understated.

Miami lost some guys to the draft, as usual, but returns a team that seems built to Morris’ order. First and foremost is the pitching. Erickson will be the Friday night guy, but the important thing here is the depth.

The Miami staff might not have a first round presence in the rotation, or a staff full of them (UiF…cheaters, scoundrels and thieves), but it will have depth. Erickson’s presence allows last year’s ace, Eric Whaley, to become the Saturday night guy, making it highly unlikely for the ‘Canes to drop the first two games of any series. That means at worst most series will come down to Sunday, where Miami will roll out last season’s Friday night starter, Bryan Radziedfgjkhsdfghsjkdlgjkdfs. We will call him B-Rad. Anyway, he reminds me a lot of Erickson in style and is a third starter most programs would kill for. On top of that, Steven Ewing has come up big for this team in the past. He will start off as the mid-week guy, but he and Andy Suarez will push for inclusion in the weekend rotation by the end of the season. At worst, this team has 5 solid starters. Which is good news, considering the past two seasons have ended in Gainesville largely due to a lack of depth on the pitching staff.

Morris addressed other concerns as well.

He got rid of the Nike bats that were proven to weaken offenses and now players have their choice of any manufacturer.

Infield defense plagued the past two post season runs, and Morris increased competition at each infield spot. While the faces might look the same at the end of this season (particularly at shortstop, where the mercurial Stephen Perez is already a junior), you can bet it will only be because they fought off a hungry youngster or two to keep their job. Michael Broad figures to return to form at second this year, and the corners will be some combination of UiF transfer Tyler Palmer, Puerto Rican Esteban Tresgallo, Sophomores Brad Fieger and Scott Wiebel, and Senior Cade Kreuter. Also, don’t be surprised if you hear from freshmen Alex Fernandez and Jarred Mederos before the season is out.

The bullpen has a lot of talent and good names, but little proven talent after the departures of Travis Miller and Daniel Miranda. The closer will be E.J. Encinosa, who was a solid starter and has great stuff but, as Morris said, has never worked the 9^th. You have to be a little different to be a closer…we will see if Encinosa has what it takes.

Catcher was addressed with the addition of O’Brien as a transfer from Bethune Cookman. He is a borderline first round talent and will be relied on to be a star.

Finally, the outfield has to be more productive. Julian Santos, the feel good story of the fall after coming back from two different ACL tears, will be the opening day centerfielder and leadoff man. The ultra-athletic Dale Carey will man right field but needs to progress with the bat to hold off Chantz Mack. If those two improve as the season moves along it will give the ‘Canes one of the stronger outfield trios in the conference, as Rony Rodriguez will be the cleanup hitter and figures to have left field on lock. He reminds of Lale Esquivel.

Top to bottom, this is a stronger team than last season’s and should go further.

Time will tell if this team is the answer to our prayers. Teams change as seasons go, and pre season praise can often ring hollow. But Morris still knows how to manage, and this is they type of team that he has won with before, at least in theory. Keep the other team off the board, play good situational baseball and keep the damn ball in front of you. It is a simple sport made complicated too often.

And while we don’t know if this team will breakthrough and go to Omaha, there are some things that will never change.

The fan experience will be as good as ever. I truly regret that I will be unable to make opening night for the first time in 6 years, but the real world does beckon. Alas, I will be there in spirit and taking part in every “RAAAAGGGGAAAARRRMMMM” and “Baallllllll twwwwwooooo…WHOOOOOOOO!” chant that echoes throughout The Light.

More importantly, so will the curse of Stein and Scarpa, as we have once again decided to claim a guy as “ours”.

Esteban Tresgallos, the freshman from Puerto Rico, excites both of us. Not sure why. Maybe it is the name. Maybe it is the fact that he comes from a land afar. Maybe we just know he might actually be good and we are sick of “our guys” playing like cheese dicks (see last year’s post for a description of the curse of Stein and Scarpa but before you do just ask yourself if any of these names excite you: Freitas, Diego, Weislow, Blackman, Ratcliffe, Mack…the answer should be a resounding “NO”.)

Dust off your ballcaps and get out the sunflower seeds. Have a milkshake for me. It is time for ‘Canes baseball.

And while it ain’t football, it is just as good in a different way.

Let’s go ‘Canes.

Sorostitute Superlatives v.2012

Hello All,

It is time, once again, to highlight some of the highs and lows of this recruiting season. Of course, this is just one man’s opinion.

Mandatory explanation: For any man that has ever been to a Sorority Formal, we all know what Superlative Time (yes, both words capitalized, like Neolithic Period or Cabs Are Here…it is that big a deal) is.

A time for women to pretend they like each other more than they really do as they cheer for awards that they really don’t care about…and a time for their dates to get up, take a pee and go to the bar to hammer down some hard liquor.

To be fair, if men do not do this then Kappa Kappa Gamma quickly turns into Kappa Kappa PLEASEGODSTRIKEMEDOWNWHEREISITANDENDTHISMISERY! Trust me, we all win here.

Superlative Time is also the inspiration for my favorite write-up of the year, where I get to come up with ridiculous awards and then hand them out to 17 and 18 year olds kids I have never met!

THE SOROSTITUTE SUPERLATIVES…2012 EDITION!

(Note: For a rundown on each individual recruit, bang it here.)

Best Get:

Duke Johnson. The Duke is a 5 star all everything recruit and put up maybe the best state playoff run of anybody in state history as he almost single handedly carried his team to the state title. Superman asked his mom for Duke Johnson pajamas for Christmas. FACT.

Rumor is that before the playoffs he gathered his team in the locker room, walked to the white board, and simply scrawled “STATE” before walking away without uttering a word. Maybe that was Coach Taylor. But still, he probably could.

He committed to Miami in September… of 2010…and never wavered. In the state semi-final and final games combined, Duke went for over 500 all purpose yards and 7 touchdowns…and ohbytheway (can’t see me Chris Berman) played a lockdown corner in the 4^th quarters. Not much else to say about this kid. Will be leading the way alongside Anthony Chickillo for the next generation of ‘Canes.

And for those who think Tracy Howard was the better get, as he was the No. 1 guy at the biggest position of need, I will say you have a fair point…BUT…without Duke, we don’t get Howard. So give Howard the distinction of Second Best Get.

Best Quote 1:

“We need to stand up, we need to fight, we need to be proud of who we ARE. We did a good job of holding serve down here in Broward and Dade. We’re gonna be tough to beat down here. We SHOULD be. We’re a good school, got the most players in the NFL, got the most players in the Pro Bowl a year ago, most first rounders the last 20 years. It’s time we start acting like Miami Hurricanes and stop having an inferiority complex. We beat some good teams down here. Now it’s time to start doing that on the field again, and we will.

Are we not supposed to beat Alabama down here? I mean are we not supposed to beat Florida or Florida State down here? I mean I don’t get that. The challenge for me everyday…and I understand it and I think every coach that walks in here understands it and it’s time for the players to understand it…look at the rings. There’s five rings in that office down the hall. That’s the challenge. That’s what we’re fighting. That’s what we’re trying to get back to. So, again, add all those guys together they don’t have five rings. That’s what I mean by inferiority complex. Let’s be proud of who we are. We’re NOT a large state institution. We’re a small private institution. We have the best of both worlds here…we have everything you could possibly ask for.”

-Coach Al Golden, talking about “Miami’s inferiority complex”. Preach, brother.

Best Quote 2:

“I’m not going to sit here and tell you we didn’t get absolutely crushed by our opponents on this. And we fought back…They saw a soft spot and they went after it. Guys took a shot at us, ok? Get your licks in now. That’s how I feel.”

-Coach Golden, on the negative recruiting that riddled this year’s recruiting effort. Note: this was said with the swag of a man who just signed a Top 10 rated recruiting class by dominating South Florida despite a 6-6 record and a very public, very salacious, ongoing NCAA investigation.

This was essentially Omar from The Wire saying “come at the king, you best not miss.” Golden also wins the award for Michael Corleone-iest. Omar comin’, and there are scores to settle. He wants his corners.

Is it too late for Al to run for the GOP nomination?

Best Quote 3:

“Why am I going to The U? Boats ‘n’ Hoes homie!”

Just kidding, no one said that. But wouldn’t it have been awesome? Probably would have been my favorite recruit. Dan Stein Jr. will say something like this one day before winning 4 national championships and 3 Heisman trophies.

Just kidding. He will be playing tennis. That’s where the REAL babes are at. Stein men are savvy.

Best Quote 4:

“Why not win in my home town and my city, why not do it here?”

-Tracy Howard, the nation’s number one cornerback recruit, when announcing on national signing day that he would be playing for The U. This is not just rhetoric; this is a challenege, a call to arms. “Look at me young’ns. I am the number one player on this Earth and I am going here. I dare you to do the same. Play with me here or lose to me there.” If you got a little Alonzo Highsmith flashback, you weren’t the only one.

Best Quote 5:

“I gotta put my city back on the map.”

-Deon Bush, when committing to The U on national television.

Best Quote 6:

“I told him congratulations on not being a dumbass.”

-Taylor Gadbois on his prep school teammate Robert Lockhart committing to the ‘Canes. A man after my heart.

Best Quote 7:

"[It was] kind of the environment and plus they had no Chick-fil-A on campus," McKinzy said when asked why he didn't choose Clemson . "You had to go like, probably like 15 minutes off campus to go to like a real restaurant. Their café was kind of small."

-Cassanova Mckinzy, on choosing Auburn.

Non- Miami winner. A man after Chapman Root's heart.

Best Signing Day Outfit:

Goes once more to Duke, who rocked an unbuttoned black vest over a white Al Golden “Fear the Tie” t-shirt and a hat that said “SWAG”…which he picked from a group of 5 Miami hats on a table. Kudos go as well to Deon Bush, who rocked a U shaved in to his buzz cut.

Worst Quote 1:

“Taking my talents to South Beach.”

-Tyriq McCord, when committing to The U on national television. I wanna like it. I really do. But this is like people who still say “winnnning” and think it is funny.

Worst Quote 2:

“Iowa is the hometown team and has a reputation for putting players in the NFL.”

-Recruit Greg Garmon, of Pennsylvania, on why he chose Iowa over Miami. This is pretty self- explanatory.

Best Recruiting Board Meltdown:

The Gators, after losing Tracey Howard and seemingly their will to go on. This actually was really funny and I would have felt bad for the guy if he wasn’t, ya know, a Gator. Take it away, Mus_Champ11:

“I will vomit everything I've eaten the past week if we lose Tracy Howard to Miami. What a disaster this is if true. Howard going Miami who is about to get nailed by the ncaa! Agholor to Lane Kiffin while USC is on probation. Diggs to OSU. Is there any evidence that Diggs has OSU #1? This pis**s me off to no end! Now I'm starting to get down on Muschamp. What a *****p this is. And we wasted that time with Fowler hanging around (Editor’s note: Fowler actually signed with UiF, which makes this even better). I'm disappointed in our staff. Yes you heard right. What an awful closing. We lose a RB (Davis and that was a blunder on the coaches) and now these 3 and we are not getting anymore OL trust me on that. so no depth at RB, shaky depth at the OL (??), and no depth at WR. The WR's we have are so so at best. 1 WR in this class (Editor’s note: they ended up adding another, more off the radar target at WR).”

Feels good to be on the other end of this for once. And for the record, I left out the usual obscene non-sense from the Gators. It is old hat.

Best Recruiting Board Meltdown, Runner-up:

Georgia Tech, after the late switch by Antonio Crawford from the Jackets to the ‘Canes. It went something like …well actually, it ain’t worth getting in to, but know that it involved several references to “hookers”, “blow”, “boats and hoes”, “Thugs” and “NCAA ass pounding”. Honestly, by the end of it I was a little confused, and I am rather more clever than most Georgians.

Best Non- Recruiting Board Meltdown:

This from Adam Silverstein:

“Muschamp and Robinson found out earlier in the week that Howard was going to Miami. I was told that Muschamp's reaction - literally - was him throwing stuff across the room.”

(Dan nods head eagerly)

Best Non-Recruiting Board Meltdown, Runner Up:

Virginia Tech assistant Charlie Wiles after Ja’Wand Blue flipped to The U (as told by @mattyports):

“I'm listening in right now as Wiles is telling Ja Wand Blue, "you lied to me."

Blue is telling Wiles, "I wanted to stay home." Wiles: "This doesn't make any sense. I've never felt more betrayed or lied to."

Whiles, to Blue: "You want to go to a program that wins bowl games, a clean program, that dominates in the ACC?"

Whiles: "It would be a blessing for you to go away for school. I promise. You've got homeboys here. ... We need you. We're counting on you."

Ja Wand Blue is listening to Whiles speak his piece. This is incredibly awkward.”

Annnnnnd scene!

Question: what happens if Whiles decides to take a new job? Does Blue get to tell him how lied to he feels in front of a room full of people? Does he get to denigrate his character as he pleases?

Worst Recruiting Board Meltdown:

That belonged to one of our fans, who upon learning that Robert Lockhart was leaning toward sticking to his Virginia Tech commitment made a few remarks about “people getting shot on their campus”. All jokes aside, that is pretty messed up, no?

Bound for Divorce:

Reggie Northrup. Said numerous times he was “committed” while also saying he was “open to other schools”. Listen, I am not the type to get preachy about this type of thing. I remember being an 18 year old dumbass. But let’s just say if I told the girl I was “committed” to that I was “open to other girls” things would go to hell in a hand basket. Just ask Newt Gingrich.

Prologue: Northrup signed with Florida State. He was very committed to Miami up until that though I guess.

Maybe Going to Regret This Statement:

To David Thompson’s coach, who called his former player a “right-handed Tim Tebow”. Listen, I think Thompson is a great prospect, as I have said. But let’s not forget that Tebow, although the anti-Christ, did win two national titles and a Heisman Trophy. Maybe we don’t want to be slapping that label on a kid who hasn’t even stepped on campus yet. Just a thought.

Signed,

Ray Ray Armstrong (the “next Sean Taylor”) and Vaughn Telemaque (who “reminds some of Ed Reed”)

Most Likely to Set the UM Record for Most Personal Fouls In a Career:

Taylor Gadbois, a mountain of a man who talks like a country-strong badass and apparently has a few arrests on his record as a youngster. Not that that’s a bad thing. But I am pretty sure that Gadbois held Lockhart at gun point until he “re-thought his situation” and decided for the ‘Canes.

Proof the Star System is Broken:

Josh Witt (1^st Team All Broward LB) / David Thompson (1^st Team All Dade QB) / Vernon Davis (1^st Team All Dade CB) / Antonio Crawford (1^st Team All STATE CB). All were absolute studs in the best state for high school football in the nation. None is ranked in the top 50 at their position by Rivals.com. You figure it out.

Most Likely to Be a First Round Pick:

Ereck Flowers, a 6’6”, 310 pound left tackle prospect with fantastic athleticism. As an early enrollee he could see the field early and will one day make a lot of money if he works hard.

Best Name:

Gray Crow. Self explanatory, yes? Runner up: Ja’Wand Blue.

Non- Miami winner- Leviticus Payne. I am pretty sure he is a James Bond villain or should be. Notables: Jazzman Clax (live at Chateau Marmont next weekend!), MacGarrett Kings (star of CBS' new cop drama this fall?)

Best Highlight Reel:

Josh Witt blowing up a fullback and running back on the same play was pretty badass, as were all of Lockhart’s full extension layouts. But if you watch Duke Johnson’s tape and don’t come away thinking of Heismans…you are crazy.

Most Looks Like Colin Hanks:

Jake O’Donnell. Have you seen them in the same room before? Me neither.

5 That Will Play Now:

Duke Johnson- RB/KR/PR

Tracy Howard- CB

Deon Bush- CB/S

Malcolm Lewis- WR

LaDarius Gunter- CB

5 Sleepers:

Jacoby Briscoe- DT

Josh Witt- LB

Jake O’Donnell- DE

Gabriel Terry- OLB/DE

D’Mauri Jones- WR

Always guard the inbound passer.

2012 Recruiting Roll Call- Devil Dogs; The Lion and The Gazzelle

Hello All,

One of my best friends in Los Angeles is named Tori. Tori is a fellow second generation ‘Cane and one of the sweetest people in the whole world; she does not quite fit in here in Los Angeles.

Last spring, Tori’s dad passed away too young. I never knew the man, but from all accounts he seems like the type of person that makes America awesome. Since his death, Tori has told me some stories about him: mostly about how he played football for The U back before it was cool and how he one time had to have his class ring cut off his finger after getting in (I can only imagine, given his seemingly old school persona and Steel City roots) a bar fight. In short, the guy was a total badass.

Anyway, last time we had lunch Tori was telling me about her dad’s favorite motto. It goes like this:

Every morning in Africa, a Gazelle wakes up. It knows it must run faster than the fastest lion or it will be killed. Every morning in Africa a lion wakes up. It knows it must outrun the slowest gazelle or it will starve to death. It doesn’t matter whether you are a Lion or a Gazelle…when the sun comes up, you better be running.

I think Mr. Riley would like what Al Golden has done with this recruiting class.

At the outset of this recruiting cycle, we knew a few things about what Miami needed. We knew that the secondary and the d-line were areas of great concern, and that the receivers potentially could be.

More to the point, we knew that the team needed a heart transplant after years of playing sub- Hurricane grade football. Character would be of the essence in Golden’s first full class…a class that essentially needed to form the backbone of the next generation of Miami Hurricanes football.

Since the beginning of this recruiting cycle, Golden has faced the pressure of not only finding the kids that would form this backbone, but also having to do so amid swirling allegations of a program-crippling nature, rumors that he would be leaving to take a new job, an ongoing NCAA investigation and a 6-6 season that ended with a self-imposed bowl ban.

Given this hand, a lot of coaches might have folded or played for

second place. Instead, Golden became part Gazelle and part Lion. He was the first to arrive on several under the radar kids, taking “reaches” that he thinks he can turn into stars. He ran down the pack on several others, putting Miami in position to land several highly rated studs, both early on and late in the game. He closed down players like Duke Johnson and Raphael Kirby early, while staying in the fight for guys like Darius Hamilton and Tracy Howard until the very last moment (both were once considered longshots in the most literal sense of the word…he ended up signing Howard and nearly signing Hamilton).

This class is truly remarkable.

The first thing that will stand out is numbers. The program needed to add depth in the worst way possible. But just as important as adding bodies was adding the RIGHT bodies. This program needed depth of character, the type of kids that want to be Hurricanes and take pride in putting in the work and effort to do so. Unselfish kids that know that playing time is something that is earned and not given, and that surrounding yourself with guys who want it just as much as you is the fastest way to a title.

I call these types Devil Dogs. They go down in to the pits of hell and come out with the football, or the yard, or the touchdown, or whatever it is they need…and they enjoy doing it. That is what this class if filled with. Guys who, no matter what their star rating, show a willingness to do the dirty work needed to win and win big. They know that they might not be the highest ranked kids (even though some of them ARE the highest ranked kids) and they take it personally.

It is that type of character that made this program great, and it is that type of character that you see in spades in this class.

(I hope I don’t eat those words in a couple of years)

Roll Call:

QB

Preston Dewey (Austin, TX)

Dewey is the most polished member of this quarterback class. He comes from Texas, always a plus with quarterbacks, and despite missing most of his senior year with an injury, he was coached by Ty Detmer, a name all Hurricane fans remember with no fondness. The most likely of these quarterbacks to play early, and yet still has room to grow. Early enrollee.

David Thompson (Westminster Christian)

Thompson is the wildcard for perhaps the whole class. He is also a stud baseball player and most assume he is going for the first round baseball money. This has also probably caused him to be overlooked in many circles. However, this kid has “it”. If I were to bet on one of these three quarterbacks to be a Heisman candidate and the leader of a championship contender, Thompson would be it, assuming he makes it to campus, which is a longshot. He has the arm and the ability to scramble. He plays tough, scrappy football and looks like a winner; I do not think it would be far fetched for this kid to have a Colt McCoy type of skill set if he makes it to school. Fingers are crossed, because we sure as hell could use a left side infielder with the power to hit 15-20 bombs as well. The ultimate wait and see.

Gray Crow (Countryside High)

Crow was one of this class’ first commitments and has stood by it. He is built like a brick shithouse, can throw it through a brick wall and looks the part of the classic gunslinger, but has struggled with interceptions in high school. Part of that is most likely due to trying to do too much at a weak program, but Crow certainly has a lot of growth to accomplish before he gets on the field and is trusted with this offense. The consensus is that a lot of tools are there, but the kid needs to work on footwork or he will get decapitated. One word to describe him: project. Early enrollee.

RB

Duke Johnson (Miami Norland)

Best player in the class, period. Fast as hell, with wiggle, and is also a stellar DB, so you know he can get physical (in fact, some have suggested his future might be as a lockdown corner). Should step on to campus in July and immediately seize a role as a return man and work his way in to a role on offense as a freshman. Ceiling is Reggie Bush-esque.

Danny Dillard (Venice High)

Dillard is a below the radar big back who runs hard. Similar to Mike James. Always a role for these kinds of guys on special teams early, and at the high turnover position of running back you can never be overstocked.

WR

Robert Lockhart (Fork Union Prep)

Late switch from Virginia Tech that will most likely play right away. He came out of high school as a late bloomer last season and was long and wiry but had damn good film, including some of the best layouts you will ever see. Now he has grown (his brother has him at 6’3”, 200 lbs) in to his frame a bit. This kid will make some serious noise.

Angelo Jean-Louis (Palm Beach Central)

Speed merchant who could be a great receiver or corner. Thick and physical. Apparently has terrible grades and still some work left to do to actually enroll. Tore it up in practice at the Under Armor All American game and had his man dead to rights a couple times in the actual game before being underthrown. A lot of people will see the speed and relative lack of height and think “slot”, but this is the type of kid that will stretch the field on the outside with his speed and is also tough enough to go over the middle on dig and slant routes…and then make something happen after.

Malcolm Lewis (Miramar High)

Lewis is a stud that could contribute early. Isn’t the biggest or fastest, but he knows how to run routes and get open. Has been a key piece for a Top 5 team in the state for three years and that shouldn’t change in college. Was a big recruiting win for Miami, as he was truly open and got a lot of love from the Big 3, Alabama, LSU and the rest of the big boys. A candidate for early playing time, similar to Phillip Dorsett, although not as fast. Made a catch in the state title game that will be on every Florida high school highlight reel for years.

Herb Waters (Homestead High)

Waters is not the fastest but he is smooth and a great route runner and athlete. Measurables do not jump out but he put on a show at an elite camp in Oregon last summer and just makes plays.

D’Mauri Jones (Leesburg High)

Jones is a bit of a sleeper but has offers from Arkansas and West Virginia, who both know a thing or two about receivers. Jones has the ability to go up and get it, as they say.

Jontavious Carter (Cordele, GA)

Carter is a big body (6’4”, 200lbs) who profiles as a possession guy and red zone threat as a former basketball player. Golden and Co. believe in going out of the state only for impact guys, so the potential has to be high for this lowly rated player to be included in the signing class.

OL

Ereck Flowers (Miami Norland)

Duke’s teammate and a fast riser as a left tackle prospect. Will most likely be afforded the chance to redshirt before pushing for playing time but enrolled early, so playing time will be his to earn. Ceiling in unlimited for kids like this: he is tall and physically built, has a thick trunk and shows a nice natural ability to bend. That sounded bad didn’t it? Alright, moving along…

Danny Isidora (Cypress Bay)

Isidora is a big ol’ boy (330 lbs.) who was recruited as a pulling guard and also had Wisconsin and Michigan bidding for his services; they know what they are talking about when it comes to guards. Quiet kid who lets his play talk. Probably needs to lose 10-15 lbs. before he can get a legitimate shot at playing time.

Taylor Gadbois (Fork Union Prep)

Gadbois is big, mean and nasty and signed last year before being placed at a prep school. Had the quote of the year in regard to prep teammate Robert Lockhart committing: “You’re not being a dumbass anymore.” Apparently had a bit of a…ahem…record in high school; I expect a few personal foul calls throughout his career. Hopefully he can point that aggression in the right direction…nothing wrong with having a mean mother or two on the o-line. Early enrollee.

DE/DT

Tyriq McCord (Tampa Jefferson)

Ultra athletic rush end. He is undersized right now but has a great frame to grow in to and in the right scheme could be an absolute nightmare with the ability to drop and cover or put his hand down and get after the quarterback. Told a national audience at the Army Bowl he would be “taking his talents to South Beach” and picked the ‘Canes over Cackalacky, Georgia, USC and UiF.

Jelani Hamilton (St. Thomas Aquinas)

Hamilton is a highly ranked end/tackle tweener who is most likely a tackle in the 4-3 package and an end in the 3-4. Was hurt his senior year but if healthy could be a rotation player from year one and a long term compliment as Anthony Chickillo’s bookend.

Jake O’Donnell (Doyleston, PA)

O’Donnell is tall (6’6”) with a lot of weight to potentially add (233 lbs. right now). Will bring the Midwestern attitude to the d-line and after a redshirt projects as a jumbo end that could get up to 260-270 lbs with relative ease. A lot of people questioned the recruitment after he came to camp and accepted the offer, but back when Butch Davis was still at UNC they wanted this kid…so yeah, the kid can play. Also kind of looks like Colin Hanks. Has the potential to be in the Calais Campbell / JJ Watt mold.

Earl Moore (Tampa Hillsborough)

Moore is a bowling ball on the inside who will most likely compete from day one, given the line’s depth concerns. Plays low to the ground and should be a pass rusher on the interior line.

Jacoby Briscoe (Lafayette, LA)

Surged in the state playoffs and started drawing interest from LSU, Tennesse and Texas A&M, but Miami was quicker to the punch. After one in-home visit from Al Golden, Briscoe told him to hug it out and he was a ‘Cane. Big boy (6’4”, 290 lbs.) who, if he keeps his motor running all the time, will be another below the radar steal. However, if he isn’t motivated he will be the type of player who constantly has fans pulling their hair out. Briscoe is a tackle that could contribute to either an even or odd front, fitting the “flexible” profile of seemingly all of this staff’s defensive line prospects.

Dwayne Hoilett (Vero Beach)

Hoilett is an undersized rush end who looks like a “flex” player in the 3-4, pass-rush package. Great athlete who shined at The Opening in Oregon last summer. Could be the natural successor to Andrew Smith with far more upside. Early enrollee.

DeQuan Ivery (Lake City Colombia)

Signing day flip from Louisville who convinced mom that the big old city of Miami wasn’t all that bad. The kid is country strong and a little bowling ball (6’1”, 310 lbs.) who profiles as a clogger in the middle. Won’t be glamorous, and probably never will be an All American, but he might be just as valuable as the sexier pass rusher types (McCord, Hamilton). He also could anchor the odd front as a 5 technique or line up as a 3 in the even front.

LB

Raphael Kirby (Stone Mountain, GA)

Highly considered outside linebacker recruit who could compete for playing time from day one if he can get involved on special teams (like Denzel Perryman). Former teammate of current ‘Cane safety Tyrone Cornelius. Was used as a pash rusher heavily in high school (18 sacks senior year), so could need a year of adjusting to the art of moving backward and playing in space. Played like a heat seeking missile in the US Army All American Game and looked hell bent on hurting people. Which I like. Early enrollee.

Josh Witt (Cypress Bay)

Isidora’s teammate and an absolute maniac on the field. Might be the first of this linebacker group to get on the field as an early enrollee. Witt is smart, gritty, maximum effort guy…and any other cliche for a white linebacker. I honestly have nothing else to say…wait ‘til you see him.

JaWand Blue (West Boca)

Blue was a signing day flip from Virginia Tech to take the place of Reggie Northrup. This was actually quite impressive, not because he is such an outstanding prospect (although he is solid and with a couple of years could be a real good one…very explosive), but because on signing day Al Golden was able to say “fine, Northrup is going to FSU…we’ll just call someone up and take him from Beamer.” This also lead to maybe the loudest riot act ever read to a recruit over the phone by a coach, as a VT assistant really let Blue have it (and in the process said some things he will not be proud of…to the point that VTech’s spokesperson had to get on the line and clarify some things). For the play by play, go follow @mattyports and view his timeline. Seriously, this was a little crazy.

Gabriel Terry (Palm Beach Central)

Terry is a late-bloomer who was on no one’s radar three months ago. Had a monster senior season after moving from Nebraska. Was named MVP of the South Florida All Star Game with 2.5 sacks. Former star wrestler, which is always a good thing, especially in Midwestern states. Great blend of size and speed, with a badass attitude. Could be a special teams coverage nightmare. As I write this, he is 19-0 this season while wrestling at 195 lbs. This tells me he is a badass and also will have to gain at least 20 lbs. before he can get on the field.

DB

Tracey Howard (Miramar)

This was a BIG ONE. Howard is the best corner in the nation and could start from the second he steps on campus. Two weeks ago we had no shot at this kid. On signing day he announces on national television he is a ‘Cane. This was just pure Al Golden…as well as a lot of help from Duke Johnson, Malcolm Lewis, Deon Bush and Herb Waters. This kid can flat out cover, but does not sacrifice physicality to do so. Very confident, which makes up for the fact that he isn’t the physical freak Patrick Peterson was. Will come up and bump you or drop in to space just interchangeably. Long arms and big hands. Really, this was a home run and made National Signing Day a good God damned day.

Deon Bush (Miami Columbus)

Broke Miami’s curse when he chose the ‘Canes at the Army game over Alabama and Auburn by proclaiming “I gotta put my city back on the map”. This is what you love to hear. Also, teamed up with Duke Johnson, Herb Waters and Malcolm Lewis to become huge recruiters in the chase for Tracey Howard during the final two weeks of the recruiting season. Has long arms and nice hips. Hasn’t quite lived up to his potential in games yet but could be a nasty press corner, a ball hawking free safety, or a combination in the Merriweather / Antrell Rolle mode.

Rayshawn Jenkins (St. Petersburg Admiral Farragut)

Jenkins is an absolute playmaker and a great athlete who for some reason is under the radar. Played quarterback, receiver, and defensive back in high school as he lead an undermanned team to the state finals, where their inadequacies were apparent in a blowout loss to North Florida Christian (a team lead by Clemson recruit Travis Blanks). Potential to be the ball-hawking safety this team has lacked for a LONG time, and has the right attitude to do it if nothing else.

Vernon Davis (Coral Reef)

Davis is another lowly rated, physical guy who is probably better in the slot but has a lot of time and opportunity to figure that out. Returned 4 punts for touchdowns his senior year, playing in Dade county, so he can make things happen on the field, regardless of how highly he is rated. Potential grades casualty according to some reports.

Antonio Crawford (Tampa Plant)

This kid did epic battle with Malcolm Lewis in the state title game and was a late switch from Georgia Tech. Crawford is a little raw, as this was his first year on defense, but has obvious natural ability as he picked off 4 balls and defended another 28 passes as he was named First Team All State. As good as he is at a position of need, it may be just as important that he is the first recruit toward rebuilding a relationship with one of the top 3 high school programs in the state, which soured after the Robert Marve fiasco.

Larry Hope (Miami American)

Hope is physical and not afraid to stick his nose in there in run support from his corner spot. A little rough around the edges but could turn in to a solid cover guy who fits the system well and plays early. At best he could be a nightmare on the corner blitz and a similar player to Brandon Harris. Early enrollee.

Nate Dortch (North Ft. Myers)

High school teammate of current ‘Cane safety Dallas Crawford and Clemson receiver Sammie Watkins and relative of former All- Pro Jevon Kearse, Dortch is another below the radar corner that Golden targeted, stealing his commitment from North Carolina (again, Butch Davis). Has just as good a chance to succeed as anyone and certainly will provide some depth, but needs to bulk up first, as he is reed skinny. Tape shows a physicality that belies a man as slight as he is.

Ladarius Gunter (Fort Scott Junior College)

Gunter has three years of eligibility left, and has fantastic size (6’2, 200 lbs.) and speed (4.4 forty, reportedly). Is listed at corner but with his size could very well be a safety as well. Early enrollee.

So there you have it.

This class has everything you could ask for. Numbers. Guys at positions of need. Local high school heroes and out of state blue chippers. Highly ranked and below the radar guys. Guys that will come in an contribute immediately and projects that could blossom in a few years’ time.

Most of all, this class serves as a reminder. Miami is still Miami, no matter what. If we can pull this type of class now, imagine what we can do without all the turmoil, once we start winning some games.

Better yet, for one day in February it is a reminder of how awesome college football is and how awesome it is to be a Miami Hurricane.

Go ‘Canes, always guard the inbound passer.

And make sure when the sun comes up you hit the ground running.

What the Hell Was That?

Hello All,

Last night I watched two different events that overpromised and under delivered, or as I like to call it, pulled a Lance Leggett.

First, that abortion of a football game that was the BCS title game. Everyone save me the "Alabama just played great defense" and the "it was a good game" arguments. That game sucked. It was like watching the first time the varsity played the JV in Mighty Ducks 3, except instead of playing the JV the varsity was playing the special needs team from across town.

Before this game I thought it was the right matchup. These were clearly the two best teams in my eye. Now, it sucks that we had to arrive here using the BCS in lieu of a playoff (which would actually prove whether these were actually the two best teams), but the goal is to match up the two best teams and based on regular season resumes that is what happened.

I also appreciate the SEC style of football, where the dynamic athletes are found on defense and they make no excuses for their desire to come up and hit you. It is big boy football, but not the slow, crappy brand they play in the Big Whatever It Is Called Up North. It is superior to every other brand. If you need proof, look what happens whenever these southern teams hook up with someone from north of The Line or west of the Mississippi. SEC teams can score on anyone as long as the other team isn't in the SEC. The same can not be said in reverse.

Having couched my statement thusly, I can now say that this was a terible game to cap what was, really, a boring season that felt like a chore by the time bowl season came around. LSU thought they could get away with running the option against an Alabama defense that was given 4 weeks to prepare for it. I would have had a better chance running a pick up line on Kate Mara at Club 50 than Jordan Jefferson did of executing that gameplan.

The game did the same rating as Game 6 of the World Series in football starved America. It was down 14% from last season. That about sums up this season. "Down across the board". Instead of great teams rising up, it kind of felt like a season of teams shitting the bed. Alabama was able to win a national title (and I would say they proved they deserved it) without winning their half of their own conference. Enough said.

Meanwhile, NBC hyped up The Firm, starring Josh Lucas, one of my favorite "he's not that good an actor but I like him for whatever reason" actors. I got home from watching the football game pumped up to see this show, which I knew had done a 1.4 rating in The Demo the night before (for those unfamiliar, that is what we like to call "cancelled after one fucking episode"territory). For some reason I just thought this would be a show for an active consumer of television, but probably not for everyone, kind of like LSU- Alabama was supposed to be a football game for the true football fan.

I lasted 8 minutes before deciding that it was so bad I needed to turn it off.

So what did they have in common?

Both starred southerners that have impressed me in the past. Both were based on a successful prequel (the book and movie "The Firm" / Alabama-LSU Part I). Both kept me entertained for roughly 8 minutes before their fraud became apparent.

At the end of the day I kind of wish neither had happened, because they both took a little bit away from something I really liked.

I woke up this morning kind of hoping this was a bad dream and I would have something to look forward to today. Alas, I have to write them both off as reality, realities I will never get back.

Oh well. We are now in the college football offseason, the 8 month winter that seems to get longer every year.

This season was a dissapointment, both as a Miami fan and as a college football fan. It is now over, put to rest, after meeting an unceremonious end.

How many days 'til kickoff?

Signing Day 101

Hello All,

Yes, ladies and gentlemen, it is that time of year again. Recruiting season has entered its final stretch, marked by the 17 high school all star games being played this month. We are officially in “water boarding” season.

This is the time of year where seemingly well adjusted, grown ass men ebb and flow (like 50 Cent except maybe I got the title wrong) over the college decision of 17 and 18 year old kids.

In the past decade, National Signing Day has essentially become a holiday for anyone who follows college football closely. It is the day when players officially become the next generation of (insert team nickname here _________).

ESPN has 24 hour coverage of the events, which is really weird when you think about it, because it is mostly just kids faxing letters to the college they want to attend (it seems as though PDF files have not yet made it to college campuses; I have a theory that ESPN is in bed with the facsimile machine industry and that is secretly their “third” revenue stream).

The unfortunate side effect of this is that all of a sudden these 17-18 year old kids become “superstars” for a couple of months…and what’s worse is that they are very aware of this fact. They hold press conferences and play the “hat game”, wherein they put baseball caps of the schools they consider on a podium and then, usually after a terrible job of trying to build suspense, announce which college they will smoke pot and rape women….I mean, play football at for the next 3-5 years. They put the ballcap on their head (doing their best to pose as a backup quarterback for whatever reason) and mean mug for the cameras like Kanye after playing “Paris” for the 11th straight time at Staples Center.

(SIDENOTE: why are people excited when he does this in concert? If I went to a Kings of Leon concert for the latest update as to whether their lead singer had yet found somebody and they played “Sex is on Fire” 11 times in a row and then BRAGGED about how awesome it was and that they had never done this before, I’d be pissed. No shit you’ve never done this before Kings of Leon, we paid to hear you do a BUNCH of songs, not the same one over and over. Assholes.)

After watching said announcements, the denizens of the college football message board world react one of two ways: if their school was on the “winning” end of the recruitment, they begin a furious deconstruction of every flaw of said player’s game based on 3 minute YouTube videos set to terrible rap music while simultaneously going to their rival team’s board and bragging about what a bunch of shitsippers their rival team is; if their team was on the losing side, they begin their equivocation: “we didn’t want him, he’s too small/slow/dumb/wears his pants too short”. They thus take all the joy out of the announcement for both fan bases. The internet is great.

If anything I just described sounds insane, that is because it is. And yet every year this thing gets bigger and bigger. It makes no sense. It’s like traffic backing up every day at the 405 entrance ramp on Santa Monica Blvd. We all know the 405 is coming up. It is right fucking there. It is huge. It is the busiest highway in America by roughly 20% (all stats fabricated).

And yet, people still wait until the last second, realize the middle lane doesn’t merge to the on- ramp (go fucking figure), and then back up traffic behind them as they wait with their nose in the turn lane and their ass out in traffic. Every. Fucking. Day.

I was going to use this blog post to really try and dive in to the psyche of the modern college football fan and figure out WHY we have this obsession. But I am pretty sure it is a combination of a self-fulfilling prophesy, a fascination with Starter Snapbacks and Americans’ internal drive to better themselves while actually doing nothing to improve their lot in life. If you want to discuss this further email me.

Anyway, instead, here are your rules for surviving the next month or so leading up to signing day (and assuredly, for a few real asshole kids…looking at you Terrelle Pryor and Bryce Brown…another month or so after NSD).

Rule 1:

Do not stay home and watch NSD coverage (yes I am going to be pretentious and call it “NSD” from now on because I am quite frankly too lazy to do a find and replace). This just reeks of Sandusky and cell phone holster.

Rule 2:

If you stay home and watch NSD coverage, take a shot every time you hear the following: “want to thank my support system”, “got together with my family and prayed”, “best opportunity for me”, “dream school”, “made me feel the love” or “all I got to say is”.

Also a shot anytime you see a grill, dreadlocks, a tacky suit or a kid pick up one hat, do his best “contemplative” look, and then throw it on the ground and put a new one on his head.

Rule 3:

Assume that, if a kid has, say, Miami, South Carolina, Georgia and East Carolina hats on the table and chooses EAST CAROLINA he has bad grades. And no ACTUAL offer from the other schools. Think about it people. Think about it.

Rule 4:

Know that AT LEAST 1 of the kids that is considered “vital” to your class will not have the grades to get in to your school. Unless your school is West Virginia, LSU or Florida State. In which case a chimp could most likely get in to your school.

Rule 5:

Take joy in knowing that if a recruit chooses FSU or UiF over your school, you have a 90% chance of seeing their mug shot within a year. Never gets old.

Rule 6:

Know that every recruit you sign has a 50-50 shot at succeeding (which is obvious if you are a Klosterman fan). They will either be good or they won’t. It does not matter how many stars they have. They will either take their natural ability and combine it with the required work ethic and film study required to turn in to an impactful player…or they won’t. College has a lot of the following: booze, women, free time. Some kids know how to handle this. Some kids don’t.

Think about yourself. If you are reading this you probably went to the University of Miami right around the time I did. Remember how hard it was to study for a final in some bullshit philosophy class when ALL your friends were going out to the bar? Remember how all you wanted to do was go with them and say “fuck it”? Well, I got news for ya. A lot of these kids don’t have that discipline. And here’s something else: football players get offered better looking women and less expensive alcohol with much greater frequency than you or I did. THAT IS WHY RECRUITING RANKINGS ARE BULLSHIT. We have no idea how these kids will respond once it is time to actually be a college football player.

Rule 7:

If you have a Florida State fan near you, they will be insufferable on NSD. They ALWAYS sign the top ranked class. They always tell you about how awesome they are. They always get ranked #4-6 to start the season. They always lose 4 games. They always live in trailers.

Rule 8:

No touching of the hair or face! Now let's do this!!

Now everyone, you have been warned. This is a day for morons and gluttons for punishment. It should be avoided at all costs. NO ONE should pay attention.

However, if you do, print these rules off and STICK to them. You will be inebriated within an hour, you will be passed out within three and your dealing with FSU fans the next day will be much easier to take.

Sounds like a win to me.

Rule 9:

Always guard the inbound passer.