Nebraska Hate Week

This week the ‘Canes play their first real opponent of the season as the Nebraska Cornhuskers come to town.

Like  I said last year, this is the Green Bay of college football. Small town, big crowds, the beauty of rural America, “doing things the right way”, etc.

All of which is really just code for “this place is a frozen shithole, no one lives here unless they are trapped by circumstances or Warren Buffett, might as well go to the football game”.

Much like Miami, this program is coasting on accomplishments from over a decade ago and being a name brand.

If Miami wins this game, which it should, a bunch of people are going to call it a signature win for Al Golden. Which actually makes me angrier than anything about Nebraska itself.

Let’s get one thing straight: Nebraska sucks. They lost their 2 best players to the draft in Ameer Abdullah and Randy Gregory. They lost their most explosive player to a season ending injury in August. Their QB, Tommy Armstrong, is a runner that the Huskers coaching staff is trying to make into a pocket passer, because that always works.

Speaking of the coaching staff…Nebraska has a new coach this season. Despite going 9-4 pretty every year for like 157 straight years, Nebraska fired Bo Pelini.

One of Pelini’s 9 wins last season was an absolute demolition of the ‘Canes in which Nebraska ran on 33 of their final 36 plays, finishing with 343 yards on the ground for the evening (averaging 6.5 yards per carry, no less).

Nebraska essentially too out a megaphone and announced to the world before every play “we’re running it up the middle”….and you know what Miami did? This is probably shocking, but Al Golden didn’t adapt. He kept playing his defense deep because he was, and I’m paraphrasing here, “afraid of getting beat deep”. By the team that ran the ball on 90+% of its plays.

Can’t make this stuff up.

After the season, Nebraska fired the Real Bo Pelini (not to be confused with @FauxBoPelini, who has also taken his legendary performance to Youngstown State) and hired Mike Riley, the Webster definition of a generic football coach.

That’s right, Nebraska finished 9-4 but determined that they weren’t happy with the forward progress being shown, so they shitcanned the coach. Wouldn’t that be nice?

Nebraska enters the game 1-1, with a loss on a Hail Mary to BYU and a win against some crappy team whose name I forget and I’m too lazy to look up right now.

I can already see how this game is going to play out.

Nebraska WILL run the ball a gazillion times, while Miami stays in its shell.

Miami WILL blow this game in the second half.

Al Golden WILL say that it’s early, and we are still recovering from the guys we lost to the NFL last year--which will be ironic given the game in question—and that the injuries to Darrion Owens and Braxton Berrios have really made an impact.

If this post feels “blah”, it’s because that’s how I feel about this game. I don’t hate Nebraska, but I do hate what they represent: a paper tiger, a straw man, a windmill that Al Golden will tilt at and lose.

They are a smoldering mediocrity, and yet they are a smoldering mediocrity that still expects greatness, unlike our administration.

I was talking to my brother earlier and asked him "why should I hate Nebraska?"

His answer: "the self loathing stemming from the inevitability of them winning."

Nailed it.

Hate Week - FAU

This week the ‘Canes take their show on the road to face the FAU Owls.

FAU is a commuter school a short drive from the University of Miami. Their head coach is Ron Turner, the younger, dumber brother of professional tomato can Norv Turner, good for your Fantasy Team but poison for an actual NFL team. Last week they kicked off their season by taking out UCF, a victory which was significant but also lead to quotes like this from Turner:

"I literally pulled out my contract and looked to see if I had an out clause with all the off-the-field issues, and I didn't," recalled Turner, a former Bears offensive coordinator and Illinois coach. "I'd come home and vent, and my wife (Wendy) would be like, 'Stay the course, you're here for a reason, just keep going.' I knew that, but she kept saying it so I did. And I'm glad I did because right now I love this team."

Good stuff right there. Uplifting.  

The most famous game between Miami and FAU was in 2006, a 35-0 Miami win that was marred by an ugly benches-clearing brawl.

Other than that, FAU does not matter. They really, really don’t matter.

Know how I know they don’t matter?

Because all that stuff I just wrote was actually true of FIU, not FAU. Took you a second, didn’t it?

Boom…John Oliver’d.

FAU is actually in Boca Raton, a lovely place if you happen to be an 85 year old Jewish man from Massapequa.

If you are anything less, Boca Raton is a hellscape of old people who stopped being able to see 10 years ago and yet are still allowed to drive 60 miles an hour down Military Trail. 

It’s like a f*cking demolition derby filled with late model Lincoln Town Cars – only you have no idea you’re competing until it is too late.

FAU had no football program until Howard Schnellenberger, the man famous for turning the University of Miami into the most dominant program in college football history, decided he would like to build something from scratch. He made the Owls competitive in the Sun Belt Conference and got an on-campus stadium built, which is both impressive and at the same time the most Boca thing that could possibly happen.

Schnells essentially retired to a town filled with people who made him feel young, tried to recreate a piece of “home”…in this case a football program instead of a TooJay’s Deli…and then threw it in cruise control after creating something 40% as good.

 I can just see Schnells sitting in a rocker at his McMansion in Bocaire Country Club, puffing on his pipe, listening to the TV turned up to volume 80, pretending not to hear his pain in the ass daughter-in-law hassling him about the mustard in the fridge being expired.

On the field, FAU is pretty much as non-descript as they are off of it. They have an energetic young coach named Charlie Partridge, who was hired to replace Carl Pelini (of the Flying Pelini Brothers).

Carl was shit canned at mid-season a couple of years ago because of “admitted illegal drug use, the drugs in question being cocaine and marijuana”.

See? This is what being a young-ish man living in Boca does to people! You get so bored that you end up trying to recreate the final scene from Scarface at a split-level with a screened in pool off of Glades Road!

(Realistically, FAU’s brass is lucky that’s all that happened. This is the same Carl Pelini that apparently got run out of Nebraska because of rumors that he was sleeping with the daughter of a prominent booster.)

Anyway, FAU was the only team in Week 1 to score 40+ points and still lose. That’s a special kind of suck right there.

This should be a blowout for the ‘Canes, but similar to Bethune Cookman, if the expectation is blowout and we actually do it, does that tell us anything about the team?

Probably not. We will have to wait until Nebraska for that.

2015 Miami Hurricanes Season Preview

Aristotle said that “happiness depends upon ourselves.”

The end of the last Miami Hurricanes football season ended as a disaster somewhere between Donald Trump’s hair choice and a Donald Trump political rally filled with people who actually think Donald Trump has something intelligent to say.

Since then, I have tried to take Aristotle’s words to heart.

Here is a list of activities I have filled the past 9 months with:

I have thrown myself into the world of soccer, as a Liverpool supporter. Which is to say that I have begun rooting for the soccer equivalent of the Miami Dolphins or Baltimore Orioles --- glory days long since past, still an “historic power” whose ceiling at this point is probably 4^th place. I am nothing if not consistent.

I have read SO many books, ranging from historical mysticism, to “Guns, Germs and Steel”, to the poetry of Charles Bukowski.

I travelled to London, Paris and Barcelona, as well as to Austin, Charleston and Baltimore.

I took up a consistent Yoga practice as part of a fairly OCD recovery from shoulder surgery (left labial tear, I think they said it was).

I began to journal every night.

As part of this whole campaign for happiness, you know what I DIDN’T do?

I haven’t spent one red second looking forward to the upcoming college football season. I didn’t really talk to my Dad about the ‘Canes. I didn’t get in any message board dust-ups with “mopes”. Nothing. I haven’t even posted on this blog since before the freakin’ bowl game.

I essentially developed my own f*cking Eat-Pray-Love routine as a way to cope with the psychological trauma caused by the past decade of utter, total crap.

Earlier today, my friend Trent and I were texting about the possibility of the Miami Hurricanes partnering with David Beckham on his new stadium.

We concluded the conversation, as we are wont to do, with the following: “Is this situation good for us? Yes? Then it will not happen”.

Ladies and gents, THE MIAMI HURRICANES!

So here I am today, a week from kickoff, writing a season preview for a team that I know will underachieve and waste yet another fall of my life.

This is my Sisyphean burden. I have to keep following the team, because the only thing that makes me less happy than following them is NOT following them. Call it Stockholm Syndrome, call it sad and lonely…call it whatever you want, but I have come to realize that this is my lot in life, for better or worse.

The great David Simon wrote perfectly last summer in Sports Illustrated about the Baltimore Orioles. I have included it below (with slight tweaks) because I think it captures why we follow sports, even when we know we are doomed to fail, on a higher level than I am capable of articulating myself. And why I am back for, as Simon would put it,  yet another season of being the beaten dog, to whom at this point even the slightest motion induces a “simpering cower”.

Anything that can happen, will. And in an infinite universe, it will happen repeatedly. The full implications of the second law of thermodynamics apply to the American League East (ACC Coastal) just as soundly as to a million monkeys at a million typewriters. Eventually, and regardless of all prior history, the Baltimore Orioles (Miami Hurricanes) are going to type the complete works of Shakespeare.

How do we know this?

Well, for one thing, there is no God. There is only science. If there were a God, he would be—as evidenced by all of modern baseball history—a devoted fan of the Yankees (Florida State). And God, at least the Judeo-Christian version of Him rather than the Aristotelian unmoved mover, is said to be good. Ergo, there is no God.

So, alone in this cold and expanding universe, we are left to consider the random motion of atoms, of protons and electrons and quarks, as these elemental essences dance and glance their way through the hollow space of, say, a Camden Yards (Joe Robbie), a Fenway(Lane Stadium), a Yankee Stadium (Doak Campbell). There is no romance to the matter, no theology, no purposed narrative even—if by narrative you mean a tale with a moral, with cause and effect, fate or redemption, hubris or vindication. No one is making a point here; the monkeys just keep typing.

In other words, Chaos Theory states that at some point the Miami Hurricanes have to win, if for no other reason than sheer, cold science dictating it. And maybe, just maybe, this will be the year. After all, Jameis Winston is gone, Clemson is Clemson, and Virginia Tech is still quarterbacked by Michael Brewer.

THE COACHES

Essentially the same cast of dipshits as last season, with only a few tweaks. Because hey, 6-7 was an upward trend! They made changes you can’t see on the field! We were a better team at the end of the season than at the beginning, it just wasn’t reflected in the W-L columns! We have faith in the scheme! EVERYONE GETS AN ORANGE SLICE!

But, hey, at least they made an attempt to fix some stuff. They spent part of the off-season embedded with the Dallas Cowboys! And, I mean, what could be more fitting? The Cowboys used to be awesome when they had Jimmy Johnson, won one more championship with a baby sitter head coach, and have since faded in to a nice, comfortable mediocrity. This, by the way, happened when Brennan Carroll….son of Pete Carroll, head coach of the Seattle Seahawks… was still on the staff. 

Can’t make it up!

What happened last season: Well, we lost the last 4 games by double digits with a roster that had 7 NFL draft picks, including 5 in the first 3 rounds. These are the “me” guys that Al Golden has thrown under the bus as the reason we sucked last year, by the way. They dominated too much, you know? Too concerned with their own personal excellence to be a good team player. Can’t display that sort of talent, not on this team. That isn’t one of the pillars.

Never forget the genius that was this playcall:

What will probably happen this season: Knowing what I know, 8 wins, a claim of incremental improvement, and a contract extension for everyone involved.

THE QUARTERBACKS

Brad Kaaya is a stud, no doubt about it. It has been a long time since our best player was at the most important position on the field. Malik Rosier is his athletic backup who also plays on the baseball team…he is apparently being used in some Read-Option packages. Which would be great news if it didn’t mean that, by definition, our best player is sitting out the play.

What happened last season: Kaaya set all sorts of freshman records on his way to the type of season that made him the frontrunner to be the first overall pick in the 2017 NFL Draft. And yet, despite this, in big games the coaching staff refused to let him try and win, opting instead for a super conservative, “play not to lose” approach that unsurprisingly backfired EVERY SINGLE TIME.

What will probably happen this season: Like I said, this is the same staff, and they haven’t been too quick on the uptake. Kaaya will probably continue to show streak of brilliance, and then this staff will take him out of his rhythm for seemingly no reason, and then he will find himself down 14 points to a good team, and then he will overthrow to try and make a play and….you can almost smell the Sophomore Slump from here.

THE RUNNING BACKS

Gus Edwards seemed to be the frontrunner for starter duties, right up until he was declared out for the season yesterday. Of course. The talented next-in-line is Joe Yearby, who decided “f*ck this team” during the offseason and spent the summer training on his own. Smart move. Rumor is he will be suspended for the first few games for a dreaded “violation of team rules”. Next in line is Trayone Gray, who has the annoying habit of breaking way too many long runs for Al Golden’s liking. That is the kind of play that gets you benched around here.

You see, long runs have the habit of leading to quick scores, and quick scores mean the shitty defense has to go back on the field and that exposes the head coach’s best friend. Can’t have that.

The wild card is freshman Mark Walton, who everyone has convinced themselves is a can’t miss prospect because he is the one running back we signed last year after 3 high school All Americans at the position decided “on second thought, I’d rather go pretty much anywhere else than Miami”. I’ll believe he’s good when I see it.

The good news here is that we have 3 talented running backs on the roster. The bad news is that we ONLY have 3 talented running backs on the roster, which would be concerning even if this university wasn’t located in South Florida, where high school running backs grow on trees. But, as they say, running back is a low churn position so depth is really more of a luxury than anything.

What happened last season: Duke Johnson set pretty much every school record imaginable. Selfish, right?

What will happen this season: Literally nobody knows. Gus Edwards has apparently looked good all offseason, but I’m not falling for that particular banana in the tailpipe again. The reality is the team lost one of the best players in program history, and replacing him with one guy is pretty much impossible. I’d be shocked if the committee replicates his production from last season. Which means even more pressure on Kaaya. Which is concerning because of…

THE OFFENSIVE LINE

This could get ugly pretty quickly. There is some good topline talent, but it is all young (Trevor Darling, Kc Mcdemott –who might actually suck but he was a highly rated recruit, Nick Linder, Tyree St. Louis). Over the past 2 years this unit has lost the following: Brandon Linder, Seantrel Henderson, Shane McDermott, Jared Wheeler, Jon Feliciano and most importantly, Ereck Flowers. They now play for the Jaguars, Bills, Cowboys, Eagles, Raiders and Giants, respectively, and Flowers was a Top 10 pick in this past draft.

What happened last season: This was the team’s best unit. And yet, again, 3 starters are gone and in their wake are a bunch of unprovens. Art Kehoe is the best coach on this staff --- this will be the ultimate test of how quickly good coaching can bring a unit together, especially when you know Fat Al will insist on running some complex zone blocking scheme instead of adapting and letting the youngsters get comfortable by just lining up and hitting the guy across from them.

What will happen this season: Get used to hearing this phrase often: “It looks like the right tackle Sonny Odogwu jumped early there.” Hey, on a bright note, at least we are putting our big uglies through ball security drills that seem to be made out of sex toys! Never know when you’re going to have to throw a bubble screen to a 6’7”, 300 pound man!

THE RECEIVERS

Unsurprisingly, this is a talented group. Stacey Coley has allegedly checked out of witness protection, Rashawn Scott is back from whatever caused him to miss last season (either injury or suspension…you never can quite tell with good ol’ Rashawn!), Braxton Berrios, Herb Waters, Malcolm Lewis and freshman Lawrence Cager are a nice mix of weapons for Kaaya to work with. At tight end, the group of Stan Dobard, Chris Herndon, Jerome Washington and David Njoku will try to replace the production of another record setting player in Clive Walford, now of the Oakland Raiders.

What happened last season: Phillip Dorsett was the key receiver, as his speed and downfield routes forced defenses to leave much of the middle of the field vulnerable, which paved the way for Duke Johnson and Clive Walford to enjoy a ton of success and for Kaaya to develop confidence working this key area early in his career. Dorsett is now gone to the Colts as a first round pick. So is Walford, the safety blanket.

What will happen this season: This could go a million different ways, but it seems inarguable that the key to it all is Coley. If he can fill the Dorsett role, this offense will have a much easier go of it. If he can’t, defenses are going to blitz our inexperienced o-line and make Kaaya’s life hell. So I guess following the theme of the last decade we can expect the latter.

THE DEFENSIVE LINE

So. Much. Talent. Al-Quaddin Muhammad is back from his bullshit suspension, Chad Thomas is a year stronger and wiser, we actually have 4 defensive tackles with a pulse, Demetrius Jackson might be the next basketball to football player to become a pass rushing nightmare…you know what Fat Al just heard?

“I bet these guys will look great trying to cover 5’8” slot receivers in the Red Zone.”

What happened last season: If every time you saw a defensive end trying to cover the equivalent of Wes Welker during a Miami game you had to drink, I would have actually died last season. I know people say that a lot, and typically it’s just a euphemism for “oh man I’d have had to drink a lot”, but I literally would have died last season.

Oh, and Anthony Chickillo, the guy the coaching staff forced to gain weight like a piece of foie gras so that he could be used out of position in their stupid scheme, lost the weight, publicly called out Fat Al and Mark Doritos, lit up the college all-star game circuit, got drafted as an outside linebacker by the Pittsburgh effing Steelers (they have had a few decent outside linebackers over the years, and they also happen to be the team that made the EXACT SAME 3-4 that Fat Al uses famous) and is apparently on track to start for them as a rookie. 

Let the failure just cascade over you, ‘Canes fans.

What will happen this season: “Back from that commercial break and we’ll see if the Canes defense can come up with a big hold here in the Red Zone on 3^rd and 8, late in the game here at Doak Campbell Stadium. Everett Golson takes the snap…has all day in the pocket to throw…lofts one in to the end zone….touchdown Seminoles! Ermon Lane, the sophomore receiver from South Dade, went up and over Chad Thomas. You can just see from the snap that Golson saw the mismatch, and the Noles exploit it for the TD. And just like that, it looks like FSU will extend their winning streak over Miami to 6 years. You’ve got to really question the defensive play call. You come out of the extended timeout and the best you can come up with is a defensive end covering a wide receiver? Going to be a tough flight home for Al Golden, and you’ve got to imagine his seat is starting to get even warmer.”

Has a player ever murdered a coach on the sideline before? Just curious.

THE LINEBACKERS

Raphael Kirby and Jermaine Grace lead the unit that has to replace Denzel Perryman and Thurston Armbrister. Tyriq McCord, who has been completely wasted at linebacker instead of rush end, and Darrion Owens are both gifted and are competing for another starting spot. After that the depth gets SCARY. Would be nice to have pre-season first team All ACC member / Cane legacy James Burgess, wouldn’t it? Too bad. Al stopped recruiting him because he was too small.

What happened last season: Denzel Perryman finished second in Butkus Award voting and was an absolute stud. Finishing that high in any individual awards voting is very selfish. Addition by subtraction if you ask me.

What will happen this season: We better pray nobody gets hurt, because running a scheme that requires 4 linebackers at a time –and having a coaching staff that refuses to have any less than 4 linebackers on the field, even if the other team were to trot out a lineup for 11 wide receivers—with only 4 decent linebackers on the roster is a bit of a sticky wicket. At least Grace is awesome and essentially told the coaches to f*ck off when they tried to make him gain weight.

THE SECONDARY

Lots of good names: Deon Bush, Corn Elder, Tracy Howard, Artie Burns, Jaquan Johnson, Reyshawn Jenkins, Jamal Carter…all are potential impact guys. This is the position group least effected by NFL departures, losing only the undrafted Ladarius Gunter, who has *SHOCKINGLY* been getting first team reps with the Green Bay Packers despite underperforming in college. The guy across from him? Pro Bowler Sam Shields, an undrafted Miami Hurricane who underperformed in college. Sigh.

What happened last season: The absolute lack of a pass rush left the secondary out to dry. IT also didn’t help that apparently our defensive backs are not taught to, ya know, turn their head around and look for the ball in the air. Which you’d think would be something that they would be taught. But who am I to judge, ya know?

What will happen this season: If all goes well, Bush is an All American, Howard finally lives up to the 5 star status, Burns becomes a first round corner and Jaquan is the Duke Johnson of the defense, as hyped.

I’ll pause while you laugh it out.

And so concludes the preview. I’d like to say that I am going to try and take a step back this season, but we all know that isn’t true. I’ve already informed the girlfriend that our Labor Day weekend trip to San Francisco will be paused for the Canes game vs Bethune Cookman.

I’ll always be there, pushing my particular boulder up the hill, filled with hatred (both internal and external), hoping that this is the year I finally make it to the top.

How I Got to Memphis...I Mean Shreveport

So, let's get this out of the way...I lifted the title for this post from the series finale of The Newsroom that aired over this past weekend.

"How I Got to Memphis" is the name of a country western tune by Tom T. Hall. 'Memphis', it is pointed out to Jeff Daniels' character, doesn't actually mean Memphis the city. It could be any place. The name of the song really is just a way of saying "how I got to where I am right now".

I enjoyed that part of the episode. As an aside, Aaron Sorkin is completely self indulgent, has zero idea how to write women (probably because he has no idea how to maintain a relationship with one) and has, at best, a flawed understanding of the 1st Amendment...which in light of the Sony hack, I have realized a lot of people on my Facebook share with him.

However, he does know how to turn a phrase (kind of like Al Golden, right?)

So, how did we get to Shreveport for the fucking Duck Commander Bowl?

How did we take a roster with the ACC's top rated QB, a finalist for the John Mackey Award, the runner up for the Dick Butkus Award, and the program's all time leader in rushing yardsand all purpose yards and go 6-6. In other words, how did we take a roster with a lot of elite talent and turn in a perfectly mediocre result?

The reason is systemic failure, starting with the Board of Trustees and trickling all the way down to the locker room.

In the weeks since the season ended, I have thought about that. I have read all the quality analyses by dudes on my message board and at Sebatian's Pub (Vish ain't never lied).

I have hoped for Al Golden to be fired, and then to resign, and then when it became clear neither of those two things were happening, to get snatched away by Nebraska or Wisconsin.

I have watched The U Part 2 and gotten fired up about the possibility of the unemployed, readily available for pennies on the dollar Butch Davis returning.

Turns out none of those things are happening.

So now it is time to square with some facts before the bowl game.

This program is in a dangerous limbo right now.

Al Golden does not deserve to be the coach any longer if the information is based on football. However, the administration has clearly decided to keep him for non-football reasons...which means that any conversation about his failings on the football field or in a recruit's living room are completely fruitless.

We will probably lose to South Carolina, but even if we win, what does that mean? We went 7-6, with our biggest wins being an October victory over a decent, albeit unranked Duke team and a bowl win over an equally mediocre, disinterested South Carolina team that plays no semblance of defense? Whoopty fuckin doo.

The reality is, and I have written this before, that we the fans are hostages at this point. We have no say so...the administration has made that abundantly clear. This is a money game, and quite frankly even pooled together we don't have the money to make our voice heard.

So instead, I am going to watch one more Canes game on the 27th, nursing my recently surgerized shoulder.

I am going to savor one last look at Duke Johnson and Denzel Perryman and Phil Dorsett and all those guys.

I am going to think about how awesome next season might be with an older Brad Kaaya, a rejuvenated Stacey Coley, a faster defense, etc.

I will try my best to block out my frustration with the coaching staff for a few hours, because at the end of the day football is supposed to be fun.

And then after the game, I am going to actively try to take a step back for a few months. Not check the message boards so much, not get so hung up on recruiting, etc.

I know that I will probably fail, but hey, I am going to try. I need to refresh. This has been a frustrating season, and the reality is that my college football team shouldn't cause me this much stress, especially when there isn't an actual game to watch.

Maybe I will take my dad's approach and just wait until August to pick the team back up. Not worry about practice standouts...wait until the games come on and trust my eyes.

Either way, cheers to you few folks who read this. Despite the crappiness of our team, college football season is always fun because of the people it brings together. And even a crappy college football Saturday is one of the 15 or so best days of the year.

-- -- --

Finally, there will be no South Carolina Hate. Know why? I don't really hate them. Fact is, I LOVE Steve Spurrier. The Ol Ball Coach is one of the few dudes who embraces the absurdity of college football as just that: absurd.

This man is the king of the trolls. Take this seemingly innocuous quote immediately following his team accepting their bowl bid:

"Miami is another team that almost beat FSU this year. Gotta be what? Seven or eight of those that almost beat FSU."

Take in the beauty. In one line, Spurrier not only jabs FSU, but also belittles the accomplishments of Clemson (his arch rival for in state recruits) and Miami (whom he hates going back to his days as a QB at UiF).

Playa hatin' at its finest, y'all. And THAT is the beauty of Steve Spurrier, national treasure.

With that in mind, instead of manufacturing some shit to make fun of them for (I mean...their nickname is the Cocks...), I leave y'all with this tribute to Ball Coach, the King of Throwin' Shade, Master of the College Football Universe.

Repurposed from SBNation.

On South Carolina's 52-7 win over the Razorbacks: "I do feel badly for Arkansas. That's no fun getting your butt beat at home, homecoming and all that."

On the Gamecocks' matchup at Tennessee "Will be the 14th time I've coached in Neyland Stadium. ... I've coached there more than some of their head coaches."

On his age: "The Pope is 77 years old and he's in charge of a billion people. All I have to do is put 11 on the field."

Georgia

On playing Georgia early: "I don't know. I sort of always liked playing them that second game because you could always count on them having two or three key players suspended."

On Georgia recruiting: "Why is it that during recruiting season they sign all the great players, but when it comes time to play the game, we have all the great players? I don't understand that. What happens to them?"

Tennessee

On the Vols missing out on the Sugar Bowl during his Florida years: "You can't spell Citrus without U-T."

On Peyton Manning: "I know why Peyton came back for his senior year. He wanted to be a three-time star of the Citrus Bowl."

Alabama

On recruiting: "In 12 years at Florida, I don't think we ever signed a kid from the state of Alabama ... Of course, we found out later that the scholarships they were giving out at Alabama were worth a whole lot more than ours."

Florida State

On scandal in Tallahassee: "You know what FSU stands for, don't you? Free Shoes University."

On illegal hits against Danny Wuerffel: "He's like a New Testament person. He gets slapped up side the face, and turns the other cheek and says, 'Lord, forgive them for they know not what they're doing.' I'm probably more of an Old Testament guy. You spear our guy in the earhole, we think we're supposed to spear you in the earhole. That's kind of where we're a little different."

Auburn

On a fire at the football dorm that destroyed 20 books: "But the real tragedy was that 15 hadn't been colored yet."

Clemson

On the Death Valley nickname: "Most of our guys have never been to Death Valley. (LSU's stadium) is the Death Valley, isn't it? Or is there another one? There's two of them. That's right. There's two Death Valleys."

On the state of the South Carolina program (widely attributed, but probably not an original): "We aren't LSU and we aren't Alabama. But we sure ain't Clemson."

On Dabo Swinney's anger over the above quote: "I said, ‘Well, what do you want me to do? I didn't say it.' Smart people don't believe everything they read, and they don't believe hearsay. ... I guess Dabo believed it."

Pitt Hate Week

Former GE CEO Jack Welch once said “change before you have to”.

Welp, too late for that shit.

What we saw last Saturday night was the culmination of everything we the fans have come to resent about the Miami Hurricanes and all saw coming as soon as Al Golden failed to get the open Penn State job last winter.

All the classic elements of an Al Golden game were there.

Team improperly motivated? Check.

Completely out-schemed by a half-wit coach? Check.

Team quitting when the adversity mounted? Check.

Lack of quality depth glaring through at the worst possible moments? Check.

Look, every loss this season up to this point had some sort of believable mitigating circumstance.

This one had nothing. We thought this program had turned the corner. We thought that the days of the bend-but-don’t-break, passive mentality were gone. We thought the young studs had finally been let off the leash.

Wrong, wrong, wrong.

So, I post on a Canes message board A LOT. It is my own little corner of the internet. It is one of the funniest places in the world, and alternatively one of the most frustrating. But ultimately I keep going back in times like this because there is a select handful of fans that post there that I consider to be like me: smart, passionate fans of the TEAM. One of my favorite posters wrote this after the loss, and it should be read by all. Forgive me, because this is a little long, but do yourself a favor and stick with it.

In early 2012, I had a conversation with a former Miami staffer who landed at Alabama. I congratulated him on Alabama's championship and told him that it must be nice to coach so many studs. He looked at me and said, "Miami's good players are better than Alabama's good players." 

I couldn't believe it. Alabama was the national champion. Miami was 6-6 and coming off an embarrassing home loss to BC. Alabama had multiple projected first round picks. Miami had a few mid and late-round guys. But he was insistent. 

"Lamar Miller is better than Trent Richardson. Olivier Vernon is better than Courtney Upshaw. And Seantrel Henderson is better than any lineman we've got. Watch them in the pros." 

Now that we've seen those guys in the NFL, we know he was dead-on. Why were the programs so far apart on the field? The coach said it came down to football infrastructure (training table, strength and conditioning, medical staff) and depth. He left out coaching, for obvious reasons, but you can assume that's another factor. Once those guys get to the NFL, he said, all the external things will become equal and raw talent will prevail.
Golden has done a better job than Shannon in terms of player development; specifically, strength and conditioning. Perryman, Dorsett, Walford and Duke all got bigger and stronger without losing their speed. But why is a team with so many elite players struggling in a talentless Coastal division? 

Coaching is an obvious factor that is being addressed in every other thread on this board. The other factor is depth. In my view, there are three reasons depth is not where it needs to be: 

1- We cannot identify undervalued South Florida talent. We are the anti-Louisville in this regard. These South Florida three-stars should be the main source of depth for this team, along with blue-chip young players.
2- The camp has produced nothing. I've discussed this before, but it bears repeating: the camp is the biggest indictment of the Temple crew's talent evaluation skills. If Paul "Delaware" Williams offers a kid at the camp, I just assume it's a wasted scholarship.
3- The Temple coaches have a Northeastern, Parcells approach that does not work here. This relates to numbers 1 and 2. Golden says that you support the star players with "coal shovelers." His idea of a coal shoveler is a low-rated, low-maintenance guy who has ideal measurables to develop. That's crap. 

The meat of this program should be South Florida ballers who may lack a measurable or two. The guys that go to Louisville and talk **** to our five-stars. Football players, not projects with good attitudes. If we had been stacking these guys for four years, this team would look much, much different.

Right now, our best players are better than anybody's best players. Anybody. Watch Perryman, Dorsett, Flowers, Duke and Walford in the pros. No other Power Five school can match those upperclassmen. Four years later, Miami is still undefeated on Sunday and .500 on Saturday.

There is nothing I could write that sums it all up better than that. And so, it is time to make a change. Miami had a chance to do this before they had to, and passed, and now it is time to pick up the pieces again.

__ __

This is by far the fastest I can ever remember a season going by. Seems like literally yesterday that I was having people over for a Labor Day BBQ and kicking them all out at 4 so I could be left alone for an hour before the game started.

Think about where this team was at the beginning of the season.

We had no clue if Brad Kaaya would be any good or not. Turns out he is the most promising thing to happen to this program in YEARS.

We thought Clive Walford was an inconsistent head case. We thought Phillip Dorsett was a one trick pony. We thought Stacey Coley was going to be the next big thing. We thought Duke Johnson was a really good back that couldn’t quiiittteee carry the full time load. We thought Denzel Perryman was a Butkus Award Contender.

Well, Walford is now statistically the best tight end in the history of “Tight End U”. Dorsett is all of a sudden one of the more intriguing prospects in the draft. Stacey Coley had an AWFUL sophomore slump. Duke Johnson became arguably the greatest player in the history of the program. And Denzel Perryman…well, we were right on that one.

I am going to, for the first time in a long time, legitimately miss this year’s senior class.

I do not feel like these guys were talent blockers…and it isn’t just the ones above.

Anthony Chickillo, Thurston Armbrister, LaDarius Gunter, Jon Feliciano, Shane McDermott…these are all guys that made major contributions to this team. They weren’t just the oldest guy at their position; they made shit happen, and more often than not were a credit to the program.

Senior Night sees them face off with Pitt.

I hate Pitt. Ever since I was young I remember playing them with their ugly ass uniforms and “historic legacy”. The most vocal part of that legacy is Mark May, so to that I say *armpit fart*.\

Really the most memorable Pitt moment of my lifetime is when they had Larry Fitzgerald, one of the all time greatest wide receivers, coming into the game with a twenty-something game streak having caught a touchdown.

Miami stuck their attack dog, Antrel Rolle, on him, and he didn’t register so much as a peep until late in the 4^th quarter. Miami had pulled most of their starters and Fitz predictably caught a touchdown…and Pitt celebrated like they had just won the Super Bowl and the Stanley Cup at the same time.

F Pitt and f their “historic legacy”.

Here is how this game is gonna go. Their stud running back, James Conner, is going to run like 50 times for like 4.5 yard per carry. That doesn’t sound effective, but it means they will get a 1^st down every 3^rd time he touches the ball.

They will occasionally throw to their stud receiver, Tyler Boyd, and he is going to catch a couple of balls over our defensive backs who have not been trained to turn their head around and look for the ball. I know this is counter-intuitive, but that actually makes it harder to get an interception. Who knew?

Anyway, Pitt will probably win because Miami looks checked out for the season. Maybe Miami wins to preserve a 7-5 record and the Yankee Pinstripe Bowl instead of the Beef-a-roni Bowl. Either way Al Golden will say it was a tough game because…oh horror of horrors…the game was played at night. And we just played the always physically toll-taking Virginia Cavaliers. And blah blah blah blah.

I hope that the seniors get sent off with a win. And then I hope the administration does the thing that anyone with balls would surely do.

Fire Al Golden. He is a good dude, and I think he legitimately cares. I wish he would have worked out, because there are a lot of things about him I really enjoy.

But it has become clear that we have to change.

It is the only way to make sure that the NEXT group of seniors doesn’t get wasted like this one did.

Virginia Hate Week

I have spent the week opening and closing Microsoft Word, trying to write this.

Sure, I hate Virginia.

They are the annoying frat guy of the ACC. They get way too dressed up for football, especially when you factor in the part where they are a trash program.

They always have a QB1 named something like “Rocco”.

Their biggest rivals are Virginia Tech and North Carolina and they pretty consistently lose to both.

The Barber brothers went there.

And, last but not least, they ruined a part of my soul when they blew Miami out in the last game ever played at the Orange Bowl.

I hope Miami wins this game by 75 points, and yet I know they won’t because we always save our D- game for these guys, and they are coming off of a hugely emotional let down.  So be ready for a total shit fest.

So close.

Speaking of that hugely emotional let down.

Miami should have won that game. They had it. They were literally one big play away.

If Brad Kaaya is not 1/10^th of a second off on a deep ball to Stacey Coley early in the 3^rd Quarter, that could have been the game.

If Standish Dobard, on the biggest drive of the game late in the 3^rd Quarter, doesn’t fumble the ball to FSU…it very likely could have been the game.

If on the final drive Joe Yearby isn’t tripped by his shoelace on a PERFECTLY executed draw, it could have been the winning touchdown.

The list literally goes on and on.

And I don’t really have anything more to say other than that it sucks.

The rest of the season consists of games against your annoying older brother, Virginia, and overweight drunk uncle, Pitt.

I’ll be here, watching, waiting for something awesome to happen.

Letting the hate flow through me.

FSU Hate Week

Before I begin, please read this:  http://www.foxsports.com/college-football/story/jameis-winston-florida-state-tallahassee-police-hindered-investigation-documents-101014

I one time wrote that Miami and FSU are brothers, and that this is a rivalry of siblings. I no longer feel that way.

Look, I was young and naïve…now I am older and cynical and wizened to the shitty ways of the world. The good guys don’t always win…in fact, they rarely do.

Life delivers you gut punch after gut punch, and the only thing that separates the wheat from the chaff is how well you deal with it. There is no room in this world for any non-sense about faux brotherhood.

FSU is an enemy and in college football, you cannot harbor the enemy in any capacity…especially during Hate Week.

FSU is a bunch of knuckle draggers and the campus should be erased from the Earth. I hate them and everything they stand for. Presented below are just a few of my thoughts, presented alphabetically.

And yes, I have been working on this since August.

ACC – Miami and FSU both are members of this dumpster fire conference. For some reason, some Canes fans think that gives them a reason to root for FSU occasionally. Those people are WRONG.

Bowden – God I hated this guy. He’s kind of like the human Foghorn Leghorn. I always loved when he would build up whatever cupcake FSU just played to be some great team that they were lucky to beat, because he knew people voting in the polls didn’t actually know anything. I used to hate when one of his guys would get arrested for something and Bowden’s punishment would be to make them run bleacher steps and sit the 1^st Quarter. At this point I have become cynical and see that he' was just doing what he needed to win. Still...f this guy.

Chris Rix – Career record against the ‘Canes? 0-5. Didn’t stop me from being told how much potential this guy had for 4 years. F this guy too.

“Does things the right way.” – Heard that said about Jimbo Fisher recently. Not enough bourbon in the world to make me forget it, ESPN. F Jimbo Fisher with a fly fishing reel.

Empty Wasteland – A term I could use to describe FSU twitter. This is the group that has convinced themselves that ESPN, whose talking heads occasionally have the audacity to mention that Jameis Winston might have raped someone and then had it covered up by the university and the police department in between taking turns blowing him for his ability to block out “external noise**”, has an anti-FSU bias. Want an interesting five minutes? Read @TomahawkNation’s timeline on your lunch break. 

There are persecution complexes and then there are PERSECUTION complexes. This group has the latter.

** - Another “E” word!!

Free Shoes University – God bless you, Spurrier. Long live The Ol’ Ball Coach.

Gluttons – This school has won 20 straight ball games, is defending national champion, and their starting backfield has collectively avoided rape and assault and battery charges under the shadiest possible circumstances…and the fan base is complaining that ESPN isn’t giving them enough attention. Cry me a river.

Hoobastank – Still selling out shows in Tallahassee, probably.

ISIS – As in you would probably have to join ISIS in order to get kicked off this team.

Jameis Fucking Winston – What more needs to be said? F this guy.

Karlos Williams – Starting running back, assaulted his pregnant girlfriend (she dropped the charges, presumably after having a chat with the renowned Tallahassee PD). F this guy,

Lobotomy – That is what talking to an FSU fan feels like.

Mikey McGee – All time favorite FSU athlete. Played outfield and pitcher for their baseball team. In the middle of a game my friend John yelled at him “Anniston or Cox”. In the middle of a play he yelled back “Anniston, BRO”. Legend.

This isn’t really a hateful entry…really I just wanted to tell that story again because it makes me laugh to myself.

Nos and vodka – Preferred going out drink of FSU bros….really accents the roofies.

Obnoxious – The casually racist Florida State fans are the definition of the word. My Indian friend Shiv and I were at a fucking COLLEGE BASEBALL game one time and some dude not only wanted to fight us, but kept referring to Shiv as “Osama”. The worst part: his wife started a slow clap. True story.

And don’t even get me started on the god damned Tomahawk Chop. Literally the most annoying chant in all of sports.

Pizza Deliveryman – The future profession of most dudes in Tallahassee. Close second for this slot was “Porn”, which is the only profession most of the women at this school are suited for upon graduation.

Qatar – Host of the 2022 World Cup. Recently declared a slave state. Still less corrupt than Tallahassee.

Rape – This university colludes with the local police department to cover up accusations of this crime. In case you forgot.

“Scrong” – The only thing of value Jameis Winston every contributed to society. Just to reiterate: This kid is the standard bearer for their program and CAN’T FUCKING SPEAK ENGLISH. Actually leads us nicely in to my next point.

Third Grade – The reading level that learning specialist Brenda Monk testified, before a grand jury, that some FSU player in the late-aughts read at. This lead to FSU president T.K. Wheterell labeling Ms. Monk as a “rogue tutor”. Sometimes the truth is stranger than fiction…and dibs on “The Rogue Tutors” as my SKA band name.

And yes I know it is really 2^nd Grade but “S” was already taken. I improvised. For any FSU fans reading that, “improvise” means to create and execute a new plan spontaneously. 

Sorry…”spontaneously” means without preparation. Oftentimes “spontaneous acts” result in teen pregnancies. As I am SURE you are familiar with.

Unconquered – This is the school’s tagline. Some crap about how the Seminole Indian tribe they have nicknamed themselves after never surrendered to the U.S. military, instead dispersing in to the swamp.

First of all, there might not be a treaty, but those dudes were conquered. It was awful and none of us agree with it, but let’s not confuse things.

Second, you want to talk about racists? The iconic image of this program is a dude dressing up in Red Face before every game, riding a horse to mid-field and then planting a flaming spear in to the 50 yard line. Well, that is second to Bobby Bowden’s “he missed it again?!?!?!?!?!” desperation face on the sideline, but whatever.

The yokels go nuts for this whole charade every single time. Meanwhile, every single one of them would have voted for Andrew Jackson.

Venereal Disease – Lookin’ at you, FSU sorority girls. There is stuff being passed around that town that doesn’t exist in other places. Your typical frat bro at this school is an Affliction t-shirt wearing Patient X, and he doesn’t even know it.

Weinke, Chris – 28 year old man who happened to be on a super-talented roster and won a Heisman Trophy for it. Every year in the Little League World Series there is a kid you KNOW is 16 years old from Taiwan and you think to yourself “this kid’s parents are effing pathetic for making him do this”. Same way I always felt about Weinke... And I was 13. F this guy.

Xavier Beitia – X sucks. Beitia missed a key field goal against us that would have won the game and ended our championship march. Sound familiar? 

F this guy.

“Yes” – The opposite of what that girl said when Jameis date raped her. ALSO my answer to anyone asking if I think Miami can beat Florida State.

Look, it is going to take a WHALE of an effort. The defense will have to stay aggressive and unpredictable. The reality is that FSU is going to move the ball at times, and they are going to hit some big plays. Their defense is fast and will force some punts and bad plays. That is reality. But you can limit the damage by moving Jameis off his mark and forcing him to throw before he wants to…Louisville did it for a half, and so did NC State.

I think FSU is going to load up against the run and try to make Kaaya prove he can beat them. The kid is going to have to be smart with the ball, and Clive Walford is going to be a major key to the game. FSU proved they are susceptible to the deep ball against Louisville, so the receivers have to catch it when they get a chance.

Essentially Miami has to take advantage of the home atmosphere and play a nearly perfect game. But something feels right about this team ever since the time they spent with Carter Hucks.

Call me a sap, call me a moron, call me a hypocrite, but never say I don’t call it like I see it. And the way I see it, Miami is either going to win the game or make FSU earn every single yard in a loss.

Zero – The number of snaps Jameis Winston missed while UNDER INVESTIGATION FOR RAPE.

Look, people have been waiting a year for karma to catch up with FSU. Here’s the reality: there is no Karma Cavalry coming over the hill. Only the ‘Canes.

We ain’t anywhere close to as good as we used to be. I still think we are a slightly better than mediocre football team.

But maybe, just maybe, Miami can be the vengeful sword that balances the college football universe this Saturday night.

I know I’m excited.