Alright, we're officially not going to talk about any of the picks I made last week in this post. There is a time and place for that, as the bit-too-old-to-be-THAAAAAAATTTTT- interesting guy in the Dos Equis commercials (that definitely would creep out your girlfriend if he talked to her at a party; there, I said it and will now incur the wrath of every frat bro that reads this, which is probably only one guy...and yet I digress) might say.
We are not really going to talk about the FAMU game either. You might find yourself thinking "Why Dan, why can't we get another running diary? We *SO* miss your excessive use of exclamation points and references to you and your dad screaming. Really, Dan, give us another!"
To that, I reply with a very flattered "nay". Don't get me wrong, I will still use exclamation points excessively, like I was typing this after a pot of coffee (which I am not). But the football talk will be minimal.
I mean, I loved the game. Damien Berry has been my favorite on the team for three
years (mostly because I think he looks cool on a football field, which is a bit like when I was in 3rd grade and decided Ken Griffey was my favoite baseball player because he took BP with a backwards cap...I haven't progressed much I suppose) and finally had his shining moment, which went better than Andy Bernard's shining moment this week.TANGENT: The Office dropped the ball with their wedding episode. I am not at all ashamed to admit that the reason my brother and I have watched every episode of this show is because of the Jim and Pam storyline. We actually felt like this was OUR wedding night. And how did NBC reward us? 35 minutes of dumb storylines and C-list jokes to go with 7 minutes of good television. The best scene was a guy splitting his scrotum. Thoroughly dissapointing stuff. NBC has 3 episodes to win me back or lose me forever. This coming from the kid that once watched every episode of "The Practice".
Alas, aside from a few injuries, the game went smoothly and all is well in Hurricaneland (thought about calling it something cheesey like "Cane Nation" but realized that UF had beat me to the punch on the douchey nickname...if I were at a party with UF I would definitely hit on his girlfriend VERY lightly, watch him overreact and make a scene, and then take the girl home anyway after she realized her boyfriend was a tool and she was going to make him pay...wow, I sounded like a Yankees fan there). However, after the first four weeks, a cupcake game was just not able to hold my attention. I watched every play, but I honestly can't recall many specific plays from the blowout. Although the FAMU band was great.
I am here to talk about the part of this game that was actually exciting the whole way through...The Tailgate (which you probably know because you read the title).
Tailgating at Miami games is not inherently fun like it is at Ohio State or Ole Miss (not a WORD about last week's picks, I will touch on them in due time). At Miami, having fun at tailgating is only as fun as you make it.
I am not a pro-tailgater, and have no clue how to do one of those cool articles about AWESOME tailgate recipes and KICKASS tailgate setups. However, I have always had fun, gotten adequately drunk and eaten good food at our tailgates. Here is the secret to my very meager success as a tailgater.
DO teach everyone "bones" at your site (which I, and everyone, stole from Steve; there I said it). You might come off as a tool at first, but eventually everyone gets drunk enough that they start to love it and pretty soon they are not only getting a little overzealous with it but are also doing it to random strangers walking by. The beautiful part? You're the one who started it! If you went without a girl and don't manage to snag one with this, I don't know what to tell you. This also reminds me...
DO high five/bones everyone that walks by. It lends a real "together" type of feel to the tailgate, while also breaking any potential boredom. If you can get past the fact that this means high-fiving Guido Miami Frat guys than it will increase your fun 5-fold. At least.
DO get more than two hours of sleep the night before spending all day in the sun. Snarl.
DON'T do 3 shots of Jack Daniels in the first 10 minutes.
DO 2 instead. Wait a little bit for the 3rd there tough guy. TRUST ME!!!!!!!
DO partner up with Stein on the Sidelines for cornhole.
DO expect Stein on the Sidelines to get a little toooooo competitive with the whole cornhole thing.
DO talk smack (or is it "trash") to the other team's fans, but only if you're willing to keep it light and admit it when they come back with something good. Also, it is absolutely not off limits to invite them over to have a beer and grab a dog.
DO keep it simple with the food. Brats. Burgers. Dogs. If you have a gay friend who is awesome at cooking (like I do) you can let him divserify. If not, dance with who brung ya. Shrimp is not something to mess around with if you don't know what is going on. Signed, Salmonella Poisoning.
DON'T yell "'Sup Tits" at your buddy when he is getting out of his car unless you know that no one else is in it. To explain my buddies and I call each other "Tits". It is just what we do. When my buddy showed up, I called to him in this manner. Well, as I yelled, out stepped 4 good looking girls, including one knockout, from his car. They all thought I was yelling at them and gave me a look somewhere between "I despise you" and "Die". Awkward. I suppose it didn't help when I tried to apologize and (after a few beers) said something like "I would never call YOU that," which is apparently not a very good cover up. Sigh.
DON'T expect to get through a tailgate (ONLY if you have been drinking, Am I Right?) without bumping in to at least one ex-girlfriend/hookup. It is inevitable. The Football Gods are fickle, but that doesn't mean they do not have a sense of humor.
DO be ready with a snappy retort for when they make their appearance. Like when my ex walked by the tailgate the other day and I yelled something like "The skank store called, and they said they're out of YOU!" when I thought I was getting being cast a dirty look upon. This is an example of a BAD comeback, and not at all what I was talking about. If Doc Walker was announcing it, he would use the teleprompter and say something like "BOOM, this is where he should have pounced... he is a CYBORG BROTHAS AND SISTAS!!!...and as you can see, the play just never developed, as indicated by the eyes rolling and the friend laughing in his face...SHE IS A CYBORG LADIES AND GENTLEMEN!!!!!!!!!!!!" Even my friends didn't back this one up. Non-defensible. And let's just say this was not a friend-friendly Former Potential Heiress to the Stein on the Sidelines Fortune.
DO play the song "Family Tradition" by Hank Williams Jr. Non- negotiable.
DON'T expect Bored to Death to ever be a funny TV show. Wait, that isn't relevant? Whatever. It still sucks.
DON'T bring the television yourself. Too much maintenance.
DO park next to the guys who did bring the television. Brilliant, if I do say so myself.
And finally, DON'T expect to talk football with girls. However, be pleasantly surprised when you do. Later this week, my friend Rachel will be a guest picker after she and her friend Kelly completely stunned me with their football knowledge the other night. I mean, they knew what was going on. And they're women. Did I mention that they're women...and they could talk about football...well? That's one small step for woman...one giant leap for womankind.
Anyway, this is the "Stein on the Sidelines Tailgating Opus", which can always be updated. Stuff like "drink beer" and "bring a football" is too obvious and as such is not included. However, follow this and you should have an entertaining three hours of tailgating at Joe Robbie next time out.
As for my usual Monday Morning Awards, I am not doing them this week, as I literally only watched the Miami game. I didn't even see highlights. Kind of a touchy subject actually.
Now, all we need is for every former reader to surprise me with a tailgate where they each contribute something from this list...
Always guard the inbound passer.
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