This was a big weekend for Stein on the Sidelines, and you will see why as you read this.
But allow me to begin by saying I cannot stand Virginia. I have had dreams for roughly two years about smacking Virginia so hard that they had to fire their coach. Seriously. That exact scenario. Why am I dreaming about this? Well, good question. Anyway, there was no way we could have won this game by enough points. Miami could beat Virginia 220-0 (the actual score of a game between Georgia Tech and Cumberland College about 100 years ago…look it up) and I would still want more.
You see, I consider the Orange Bowl a major part of my development as a person. It was the site of some of the ‘Canes greatest triumphs and most devastating defeats, which by extension made it the sight of some of my greatest triumphs and most devastating defeats.
When Miami and Virginia played the final game there, I knew that we were a bad team. I wasn’t naïve. But still, I thought that the Old Girl had at least one more magic night in store for me, one more look back in time. I actually wrote an article about the game after I got back that night that won an award for best sports article of any college student at any college newspaper in Florida for the year 2007. Needless to say, I had a deep connection with that place.
Well, Virginia essentially shit on Her when she was on her death bed. They beat the ‘Canes 48-0 that night, which is bad enough, but they did it in almost mean-spirited fashion, running up the score on a bad team under a first year head coach. For this, I will never forgive them. And that is why I didn’t drink on game day this year. I had a feeling this was going to be a slaughter.
And I wanted to be aware of every single crushing inch. I wanted to see Virginia hurt. I wanted to see Al Groh run out of town, floated out on a fishing boat in to the middle of the lake and then shot in the back of the head (just wait, there will be at least one more Godfather II reference…PS, I mean this in a very non-literal sense, I would not ACTUALLY like to see him shot, maybe just pushed overboard, just to make this analogy work…as far as you know).
I made the trip to Miami just so I could watch it happen in person. Let’s just say that Randy did a pretty damn good job of appeasing me.
1st QTR
• As if to prove that, yes, he is the most badass man on the field at all times, Damien Berry, our new star running back, just ran down the field and destroyed the Cavalier return man on the opening kickoff. I love it.
• Jared Campbell makes two big plays back to back, nearly getting a Pick 6, and the ‘Canes force a punt. Yes, THAT Jared Campbell. Formerly known as the "Corpse Known as Jared Campbell", now known as a solid run-supporting safety on a good football team.
• Miami drives down the field but stalls out thanks to a penalty (WHAT?! Miami got called for a penalty? Get outta town!) and kicks a field goal. Solid start. (3-0 UM)
• Jacory throws a bad pick on Miami’s next possession, throwing it directly to Virginia’s best player. You know, I’m not even mad. I’ve come to terms with it. Once or twice a game, Jacory will still do something foolish. It’s just how it is. I love him at quarterback, for a lot of reasons. I guess this is the tradeoff for actually having a quarterback I like on AND off the field for once.
• Virginia kicks a field goal. (3-3)
• Miami then follows with a 3 and Out (Whipple seems to be trying to wear them down in the first quarter with the run)…and then the punt is blocked, giving Virginia a short field and eventually a touchdown. Deep breaths. (10-3 UVa)
• Jacory comes out and throws a deep ball to LaRon Byrd, and then on the next play hits Hank for a 35 yard touchdown. Annnnd this is why Hank is scary for defenses. He is 6’3”, 220 lbs (at least) and fast enough to make things happen after the catch. Figure the typical ACC corner is like 5’10”, 185 lbs. I don’t even have to say the rest. (10-10)
• …gasping for air…gasping for air…I will spare you the CAPS LOCK and exclamation points, but Thearon Collier just made the play of the year on a punt return. My dad and I just had a full out, genitals on genitals hug in the middle of a crowded stadium...and no one noticed. You know, just your every day “evade two tacklers on the far left sideline, retreat 11 yards as you cross the field, pick up three crushing blocks as you cut it up the right sideline and follow your armada in for a touchdown” number. I haven’t heard a stadium rock like that since Devin Hester against Duke in 2005 (Don't believe me?). The best part? Brandon Harris, his teammate and best friend for years, tackling him in the end zone during the celebration after Virginia couldn’t. Second best part? The blocking. Third best part? The play took 16 seconds. Fourth best? Doc Walker on the call, which is always a must listen. HOLLA BACK!!!!!!!!! (17-10 UM)
2nd QTR
• Now, Miami smells blood. The defense comes out guns blazin’, and Randy Shannon takes a brilliant timeout (as pointed out by Darrin Smith postgame) that forces UVa to punt in to the massive wind with :02 seconds left in the quarter instead of into the wind after the TV timeout. The result? A shanked punt and great field positions, which sets up a big play to Travis Benjamin and a touchdown pass to Jimmy Graham on a play that me, my dad, my buddy Chris and pretty much everyone but Al Groh predicted. (24-10 UM)
• SIDENOTE: I get the whole “timeouts at the end of the halves” thing. But really, it only applies when it hurts you. Randy is not great with time management, which I recognize. However, just because a timeout is called outside of the final five minutes of a half does not make it a bad timeout. They are there to be used, and I would rather use them to make sure everyone is on the same page before a big third down or to get the formation right early than save them for when they MIGHT be needed. I cannot think of many times this season when we have needed a timeout and not been able to call one (minus the Clemson game, you probably can’t either). Also, thanks to this timeout (which turned out to be genius), I got to listen to the mulleted, drunk, sleeveless, sunburned loudmouth (wait, is this Gainesville?) 3 rows back bitch at the top of his lungs about how we suck. Again. It kills me how I didn’t hear him cheer once when something good happened (like, say, a 35 yard touchdown reception or ridiculous punt return) but every time a mistake was made (how dare we not be PERFECT?!) he couldn’t wait to jump on it. Love it.
• On Miami’s next drive, Coop rips off a pretty 15 yard run to set the ‘Canes up well, but they cannot convert 4th down (a call I loved, by the way).
• Before halftime, Steven Wesley makes a big sack (the d-line is getting a lot of pressure, which is amazing, considering the ENITRE defense hinges on pressure from the front 4). However, Miami is forced to punt on their next drive, which is blocked and returned for a touchdown. Well, so much for all that momentum. Is there a more crushing play than a blocked punt score? Is there? I cannot think of one. The entire point of punting is to surrender a chance to score in order to gain field positions. YOU ARE SURRENDERING. And Miami can’t even do that right? This is a trigger for gray hair I think. (24-17 UM)
Second Half
• After a prolonged opening drive, Berry walks in to the end zone. (31-17 UM)
• Miami quickly gets the ball back, and Berry rips off a 15 yard run.
• Lee Chambers has a big series, leading to the biggest play of the half…
• Jacory is sacked and Virginia’s player tries to rip his head off. On the ground, the ball comes out, and in trying to grab it, the Virginia player (who outweighs Jacory by about 100 pounds) hits Jacory in the face. This looks worse than it probably was. However, Jacory didn’t like it (who would?) and started pushing the guy after the play. Well, Orlando Franklin and Jason Fox see that their quarterback is about to make a bad decision and take it upon themselves to break it up/make sure the ‘Hoos think twice before ever going near their quarterback again. The ensuing pushing and shoving looks for a split second like the FIU brawl all over again before everyone is broken up. The refs then take five full minutes to call the facemask personal foul on UVa, in the process turning an entire stadium against them and waking everyone up from the 3rd quarter alcohol lull. Jacory is mad because he got hit in the face, Randy is mad at the refs, and the rest of the team is mad because Jacory and Randy are mad. Think this isn’t important? Well, before this, Randy was putting the team in to “sit on the lead” mode. After? He responded like Michael Corleone when Diane Keaton tells him about her abortion. Cold. Calculated. Merciless.
• I don’t remember when the fourth quarter started, but the rest of the game was nothing short of a bloodbath.
• Berry scores another TD. (38-17 UM)
• Cooper rips off a 70 yard run, Epps smashes his way to the 4 after catching a pass in the flat, and Coop cashes it in. (45-17 UM)
• Marcus Robinson gets a sack, which brings up this great stat: UVa up to that point was 0-10 on 3rd Down.
• Micanor Regis gets his team leading first interception (yes, he DOES play defensive tackle) as Andrew Smith, Olivier Vernon and Jeremy Lewis play a little game of “meet me at the quarterback”.
• Miami caps it all off by THROWING for a touchdown to Kendall Thompkins. (52-17 UM) YES! YES! A thousand times yes!
Postgame
• I don’t even have to say it. This was an epic beat down that really should have been more like 66-3. And you know what, my only regret is that it wasn’t. I hope Randy said something to Al after the game like “Hey, feel free to apply for my open Special Teams Coordinator position” or “I know it was you Alfred…” or “Go Fuck Yourself” after the game. Also, this is why we love Jacory: "They think just because I'm skinny I won't retaliate,'' Harris said after the game. ``I just told [the offensive line], I'm glad you got my back, didn't leave me out there alone. Sometimes, you're just doing everything for show. But what you really want is for somebody to come grab you and hold you back.'' Hey, at least he's honest.
Other Games I Watched
• Wake Forest vs. Georgia Tech: And just when you think Wake couldn’t be any more annoying, they anally rape us by choking away this game.
• LSU vs. Alabama: Whatever.
• Navy vs. Notre Dame: YEEEEEEESSSSSSSSSSSSSSSSSSSSSSSSSSSSSSSSSSSSSSSSSSSSSSSSSSSSSSSSSSSSSSSSSSSSSSSSSSSSSSSSSSSSSSSSSSSSSSSSSSSSSSSSSSSSSSSSSSSSSSSSSSSSSSSSSSSSSSSSSSSSSSSSSSSSSSSSSSSSSSSSSSSSSSSSSSSSSSSSSS!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!
• Didn’t actually watch the Cal game, but here’s to a speedy recovery for Jahvid Best, one of the most electrifying players I have ever seen.
• FSU vs. Clemson: Same to Ponder
Best Game: Miami vs. Virginia. Nothing is better than that.
Best Uniform: UCLA (our first two time winner!)
Game Ball Goes To: C.J. Spiller
Worst Uniform: Arizona State
Trojan Enz © Boner of the Week Award: Wake Forest, for wasting a Turnover on Downs with a minute left when they only needed to go about 30 yards for the game winning field goal. Unbelievable.
Non-BCS Name You Should Know: The entire Navy roster, my new second favorite team. The streak is over! Free at last, free at last! Lord have mercy, I'm free at last!
Always guard the inbound passer.
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