Monday, October 28, 2013

FSU Hate Week



Well, FSU week came and went.

Man, that was a rough game.

All week long the writing was on the wall, but I just didn’t see that coming. 

I guess Jameis Winston really is the real deal. I wish we could just fast forward to the National Championship game at this point, because Alabama-FSU will sure be a lot of fun.

Oh, wait? We didn’t play the game yet?

Well, no matter. You see, Florida State doesn’t need to actually PLAY games. Records do not MATTER to Florida State. After all, this is arguably the program of the past decade. 

I mean, sure they lost a bunch of games.

Sure they got caught in an athletic department organized cheating ring which they got put on probation for (but didn’t get any scholarship losses or bowl bans because NCAA).

Sure, they have players on their team who read at a 2nd grade level. Literally. I am not making that up. That was told to the media by a learning specialist named Brenda Monk, who was fired by the university and called a “rogue tutor” when she testified against the program. Honestly the jokes just tell themselves sometimes.

Alas, none of that ultimately matters. These are the mighty Florida State Semen Seminoles.

They churn out first round talents picks at quarterback!

They dominate Sundays draft days in the National. Football. League!

Jimbo Fisher is, without a doubt, one of the 2 or 3 elite coaches recruiters in college football!

So I guess Miami never really stood a chance. I don’t know why we thought we did.

It is tough to go in to Tallahassee and beat a legitimately good team in front of their Neo-Nazi fan base.

Editor’s Note: I know that might be offensive to some, but it probably isn’t nearly as offensive as when my Indian friend was called “Osama” and I was called “Jew Boy” for an entire baseball game (yes, college baseball, ladies and gentlemen) by a Billy Ray Cyrus wannabe with bad sunburn and a thinning mullet and a Big Gulp filled with hotel mini-bar Captain Morgan Silver. Or maybe he just got them from his trailer that was assuredly parked next to the stadium. Guess we will never know, huh?

Also, any FSU fan that would be offended by me calling their fan base a bunch of bigoted asshats can’t read at this level anyway.

And yet I digress. It was always going to be difficult to go in there and win. On offense, Jameis Winston is a legitimately awesome quarterback. Probably the best college QB in the post-Andrew Luck decade. They have a deep stable of running backs. They have fantastic wide receivers, lead by Rashad Greene. They are actually using the tight end (Nick O'Leary). On defense, they are as good as ever, with a difference maker at each level: Timmy Jernigan on the line, Telvin Smith (a legitimately scary dude) at linebacker and Lamarcus Joyner in the secondary. For scale, they are so deep in the secondary that they moved a guy who would be Miami’s best safety to running back because they didn’t need him at safety anymore (Karlos Williams).

They spread the ball around on offense and tire you out early, before bringing in the sledge hammer running backs to finish the job. On defense, they have the speed to run things down in the flats, meaning you have to run it up the middle (where Jernigan lives) effectively  and control the clock and NOT turn the ball over…otherwise you end up down multiple scores early and have to play catch up against their secondary, which like I said, is really good. 

I guess it didn’t matter that this series is filled with almost exclusively close games. 

Or that Miami actually seems to play better at Doak than they do at Sun Lifeless.

Or that Miami has played well below its talent level the past few weeks, beating itself with dumb mistakes.

Or that when he is hot, Stephen Morris is still really dangerous with a howitzer arm. 

Or that Miami already went down the “Well Miami is cute, but they aren’t ready to hang in there with these big boys from up the road” Road once this season and won.

Or Wide Right I. Or Wide Right II. Or Wide Right III. Or Wide Left.

I mean, even Miami fans were accepting defeat, starting last Saturday. 

If there is one absolute truth in college football, it is that what happened the prior week ALWAYS carries over to the next. Especially in college football.

The talking heads are ALWAYS right, especially Mark May. The chalk always holds. The narrative is always fulfilled.

The apple cart is never overturned. ESPECIALLY in rivalry games.
--
Fuck FSU. I used to do the whole “mutual respect” thing with them. I’ve learned from past transgressions. Mistakes were made. They are nothing but a 2-Bit Safety School full of the worst kind of southerners. I mean, at least other schools TRY to hide their douchiness. FSU wears it like a badge of honor.  I hope Al Golden craters their field and then calls in an airstrike on their shit head fans on the way out of town.

Tuesday, October 22, 2013

It's Over




Those are the words Al Golden spoke on National Signing Day this year.

The last 2 1/2 years has been a war of attrition. It is well documented how ridiculous this has made life for our football team.

We missed out on bowl games, which not only cost us money, but also 30 invaluable practices for a young team. We missed out on playing for the first ACC Championship in our history. We lost out on countless recruits.

However, for as hard as it was on the football team, it was worse on fans.

We had to deal with that fucking "Miami NCAA Investigation Timeline" package every game for 2 1/2 years.

We had to hear the phrase "NCAA Dark Cloud" enough times to choke a small child to death.

We learned who Ameen Najjar and Nevin Shapiro and Mark Emmert and Maria Elena Perez are.

Every time something good happened to the program, some condescending asshole always had to follow it up with "as they await word from the NCAA".

We had to sit and listen to troglodytes like Lou Holtz and Mark May and MOTHERFUCKING CHARLES ROBINSON tell us how we deserved the death penalty.

We had to listen to chump ass co-workers and dipshit buddies tell us that Miami is nothing but a bunch of cheaters and that their players are thugs and BOAT PARTY STRIPPER ABORTIONS!!!

For those of us that stood strong, we have been delivered. Our nightmare is over. When I woke up this morning and read the news, it got a little dusty in Casa de Bro. It was well earned.

 -- --

"I felt a great disturbance in the Force, as if millions of voices suddenly cried out in terror and were suddenly silenced." - Obi-Wan Kenobi

"Get your licks in now." - Al Golden

For years, other programs have grown fat and prospered while Miami struggled.

They negative recruited.

They snatched recruits that wavered.

They rubbed our noses in the dirt when we were down.

For 2 1/2 years, Al Golden has been unable to fight back.

That shit ends today.

Look at the man in the photo above. He is at the forefront of a program that, at its peak, is the NCAA's Evil Empire. There is one key difference between the Canes and that Empire.

Al Golden isn't some frail Emperor; he is the fucking Death Star.

I hope Jimbo and Willie got their shots in when they could. This is what they see when they look at Miami: ran undefeated team full of young stars with the arrow pointed straight up, and for the first time in 2 1/2 years, there is nothing ahead but daylight.

Everyone is about to feel the firepower of this fully armed and operational battle station.

-- --

Now that the fog of war is clearing,a few final thoughts:

-Golden, Jim Larranaga and ESPECIALLY Donna Shalala showed what true upper management is all about. They weathered the storm and now they will reap the reward.

-Nevin Shapiro... Good job, good effort.

-One last big FUCK YOU to the NCAA, Tyrone Moss, Kyle Wright, Randy Phillips and any other ass hats that I am forgetting. Hope you all get gall stones.

Monday, October 21, 2013

Wake Forest Hate Week



Time to get our hate on for the Ned Flanders of the ACC, Wake Forest.

This season on Eastbound and Down, one of the boring ass dudes that Kenny Powers is forced to put up with regularly because of his wife constantly wears a Wake Forest polo.

He is an emasculated, bored, pitiful suburban father who has accepted his marginal existence and is henpecked to death by his wife, who is a Grade A bitch on wheels.

He looks like the kind of guy that wears socks with sandals and baggy cargo shorts; not because he thinks it is stylish, but because he has ceased to care. He seems to make a nice living at a boring job, which he uses to support his 2.4 children.

He IS Wake Forest.

Wake Forest is the dude that CONSTANTLY gets friend zoned by the girl next door that he sat next to in Math sophomore year. I mean, we have all been there before, but Wake Forest has never NOT been there.
There is an old joke in basketball crazy North Carolina that Wake Forest is everyone’s second favorite team.

It couldn’t be more on the money.

I would be willing to bet that 45% of the remaining  Jay Leno Fan Club is comprised of Wake Forest alumni.
President would probably be Wake Forest’s most famous alum, Tim Duncan. Tim Duncan is without a doubt a Top 10 NBA player of all time. He is the best player of a generation. He is probably the best power forward to ever play the game. And yet, he was overshadowed by, at different times: Shaq, Kobe, Kevin Garnett, Lebron James and Allen Freakin’ Iverson. His signature move was a bank shot high off the backboard. 

He IS Wake Forest.

Look at their mascot. They’re called the Demon Deacons, but really, it is just an old, southern aristocrat who looks like he probably has illegitimate children with the help.

Their quarterbacks always have some SUPER WASP-y name. Last time we played it was Riley Skinner. Now it is Tanner Price. They are LITERALLY the same football player. They have LITERALLY the same haircut, and they will LITERALLY have the same post-playing career as a crappy broadcaster on an internet channel.

They ARE Wake Forest.

Wake Forest is hard to get a feel on. They have pretty much the same type of team every year under Jim Grobe, and yet they range from sneaky tough (they have played in a BCS Bowl more recently than Miami has) to absolute dogshit. Want proof? Miami is 4-0 against Wake since joining the ACC. The scores?
52-7, 47-17, 16-10, 28-27. Two blowouts, two dogfights.

They got toasted by Clemson 56-7, but just beat Maryland 34-10. Shit if I know.

Wake has a pretty decent running back (Josh Harris), a slot receiver that will end up with like 13 catches against us (Michael Campanaro) and a couple of really nice players on defense (Merrill Noel and Nikita Whitlock). This could be North Carolina all over again, or it could play out like the complete and utter mismatch it looks like on paper. Miami is flat out more talented, bigger, faster and stronger. There is no reason for this to be close. It is at home; however, it is also at noon, and we have seen before how that can lead to a dazed football team. Just like North Carolina, the longer this team hangs around the ball game the more confident they will get.

Sidenote: I went to high school with a kid named Josh Harris. He was a turd sandwich. Screw Josh Harris.

Miami needs to play mistake free, pound them with the running game, and hit the opposing quarterback. Do that, and it ain’t no thing. The name of the game at this point is Survive and Advance, so style points don’t matter anymore. That is the perk of being ranked #7…people in front of you will keep losing so all you have to do is win.

As esteemed Demon Deacon Charlie Crist once said…actually I couldn’t find anything even remotely exciting that any of their alumni ever said ever. How very Wake Forest.

Monday, October 14, 2013

UNC Hate Week



UNC, we meet again.

Of all the things that suck about college football, UNC represents about 88% of it. You want a school that combines the weird arrogance of Texas A&M with the wine and cheese crowd of UCLA? Look no further than Chapel Hill, home of White Zin and the Barth Brothers, bro!

As a native of the beautiful state of North Carolina, it was my birthright to be picked for a side in the only rivalry that matters in that state; Duke – Carolina Basketball. I was brought up a Duke fan. LONG before UNC was a largely irrelevant football team in a conference that we never should have joined, I hated these powder blue clad butt chuggers.

Want to know how you know UNC is a bunch of overconfident ass hats?

You see, in the NCAA, if you are a Good Ole Boy (and yes, UNC is every bit a Good Ole Boy by virtue of their basketball team) you can cheat and get away with it. In fact, the NCAA LOVES to let you get away with it as long as you A.) Aren’t Miami and/or B.) Aren’t so flagrant that it makes them look like a slightly more incompetent Ted Cruz.

UNC managed to fuck this up in FSU-level fashion.

It was bad enough when it was uncovered that UNC’s Top Assistant and Recruiting Coordinator, John Blake, was funneling players to an agent. 

(By the way, the NCAA decided this was NOT Lack of Institutional Control. That’s right, boys and girls. A coach was accepting kick backs to funnel players to an agent while currently employed and that university did NOT receive Lack of Institutional Control.)

In the resulting self-probe, the university then discovered a number of “academic improprieties” that included a third party that was writing term papers for football players to keep the eligible. Know who it was?

BUTCH DAVIS’ FREAKIN’ NANNY.

(Again, the NCAA decided this was NOT Lack of Institutional Control. That’s right, boys and girls. A currently employed HEAD COACH had his own personal nanny writing term papers for players and that university did NOT receive Lack of Institutional Control. Whenever UNC Hate Week can also be used as NCAA Hate Week…well, that’s a good week.)

UNC, ladies and gentlemen, is TRULY the most incompetent program in America. There is cheating and then there is launching a 6 month fireworks show that screams “WE ARE CHEATING” across the sky.

But then again, this is the same university that gave us Senator John Edwards. 

You know, the guy that had an affair with a campaign worker while his wife (who he was trotting out in public to garner sympathy) was dying of cancer. The guy who said he wanted to leave said wife but couldn’t because she engaged with voters better than he did. The guy who denied being the father of a  child with said campaign worker, tried to pay her off to go away, and then finally admitted that the child was, indeed, his. THAT John Edwards.

Anyway, all incompetence aside, this is kind of a scary game. It is on Thursday night at their place, which is where crazy stuff happens to Top 10 teams.

Also, let's not forget: for the past decade, UNC has pretty much owned us. We cannot get out of our own way against this team, and far more often than not the end of a UNC - Miami game is a bunch of Miami fans cursing Kayne Farquaharson for dropping a touchdown, or Jacory Harris for throwing a million picks, or the defense for going down 28-0 in the first half, or whatever. UNC is a team that doesn't belong on the field with Miami, but somehow always looks like they do.

Their quarterback has the most UNC name ever (Brynn Renner) and will probably do a little carving up at some point. Their tight end (Eric Ebron) might be the best in the country and, given our lack of ability to cover tight ends for YEARS, will probably make some plays. They also have a few good receivers, highlighted by Quinshad Davis, who has one of the worst names in the world.

Their defense is pretty mediocre and this is the same team that got run off their own field by East Carolina (School for the Blind); a juggernaut they aren't.

In other words, the conditions are right for a Clemsoning. Miami avoids that by avoiding mistakes (no turnovers, no big penalties) and not letting them hang around. Renner is dangerous when given time, but has been banged up. The way to get him out of his comfort zone is to consistently hit him, and I expect our defense to ratchet up the pressure as the game goes along.

I also expect their crappy fans to go silent pretty early if we can hit them in the mouth, “Zero Dark Thursday” promotion be damned.

That’s right, they themed their game.


UNC is the best sorority in the ACC, complete with baby blue, sex scandals and brand new outfits for a Thursday night party.