The NFL Draft- Tremendous Upside

Hello All,

Every year since I was 9 I have watched the first day of the NFL Draft. Do not ask me why.

Up until last year, the first round alone cost me 5-7 hours of time that I was never getting back, that I could easily have just read about in the next day’s sports section. And that was before I watched the 2nd and 3rd rounds, before falling asleep, before having nightmares about Mel Kiper eating me, and before waking up and watching rounds 4-7 the next day. So yeah, I am addicted to the draft.

Anyway, this year, I decided to jot down some notes. You know, because I have a blog. And that is what bloggers do. And away we go.

Pick 1 (St. Louis Rams) - Sam Bradford, Oklahoma

Hey, anytime you can take a quarterback who hurt his shoulder so badly that he missed an entire season (well, technically, injured and then RE-injured the same shoulder) and then pay him a guaranteed $50 million, you have to do it. Ladies and gentleman, the NFL Draft!

Pick 2 (Detroit Lions) – Alphabet Suh, Nebraska

Well, even perennial Stein on the Sidelines whipping boy Matt Millen couldn’t have messed this up. Oh wait, yes he would have. He would have traded up for the first pick and then drafted DeMariyus Thomas. Because who doesn’t want a receiver who played in a Triple Option Offense? And yet, I digress.

Pick 3 (Tampa Bay Buccaneers) – Gerald McCoy, Oklahoma

Highlight of the draft: McCoy, moments after the story about his mother dying before his sophomore season was told, jogging across the stage and giving Roger Goodell the bear hug to end all bear hugs. Come on, don’t even try to tell me you didn’t get a little misty there.

Pick 4 (Washington Redskins) – Trent Williams, Oklahoma

Ahhhhh, our first “upside” pick. “Upside” is loosely defined as any player that looks like Tarzan and plays like Jane. In other words, these are guys who get coaches fired. But hey, when do the Redskins ever fire their head coach?

Pick 5 (Kansas City Chefs…that’s right, Chefs) – Eric Berry, Tennessee

The biggest difference maker in the draft, and he goes fifth. Great googly moogly NFL General Managers.

Pick 7 (Cleveland Browns) – Joe Haden, University in Florida

Cried like a girl. For no reason. Also, can’t dress. I guess it is a miracle that he didn’t wear jean shorts and a wife beater.

Pick 8 (Oakland Raiders) – Rolando McClain, Alabama

Wow, I am at a loss. There is no joke to make here. The Raiders actually made a good pick. This is who I wanted for the ‘Phins. Lose-lose. Damn you AL DAVIS!

Pick 9 (Buffalo Bills) – C.J. Spiller, Clemson

Stein on the Sidelines' Heisman Winner now gets to torch the Dolphins twice a year. DAMN YOU C.J. SPILLER!!!!

Pick 10 (Jacksonville Jaguars) – Tyson Alualu, California

HAHAHAHAHAHHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHA

(…catches breath…)

HAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHA

So, this weekend I drove to Mississippi to visit Brosef Stalin. On my way, I saw some pretty ripe bathrooms. Well, every year there’s one of these picks in the top ten that reminds me of the puddle in the middle of the gas station bathroom floor. Best case, it is just water and it serves as a breeding ground for mosquitoes and stink. Worst case, it is urine and you step in it accidentally. Either way, you lose. Great pick.

Dolphins Trade Down

I don’t know why I even consider the possibility that the Dolphins won’t let me down on draft day. Or game day. Or any day.

Pick 17 (San Francisco 49ers) – Mike Iupati, Idaho

Our first small school guy! This is the guy that has an amazing film because he is twice as big as everyone he played. I actually like the pick, but somehow I don’t see him blocking three guys at once in the NFL like he did at Idaho.

Pick 18 (Pittsburgh Steelers) – Maurkice Pouncey, University in Florida

Wearing…jean shorts, a white t-shirt, work boots and a necklace that looks like it came out of one of those claw machines. Thank you Gainesville, you’ve been great.

Pick 22 (Denver Broncos) – DeMariyus Thomas, Georgia Tech

Or as I like to call him, Kevin Dyson 2.0!

Pick 24 (Dallas Cowboys) – Dez Bryant, Oklahoma State

Or as I like to call him, Randy Moss 2.0!

Pick 25 (Denver Broncos) – Tim Tebow, University in Florida

Wearing the same shirt I wore for a 12 hour road trip through North Florida, Southwest Georgia, Alabama and Northern Mississippi the next day. Think about that.

Also, think about this: Tebow is no doubt a great player. Everyone compliments him as an "Old School" player. Tom Jackson, one of ESPN's analysts, played for the Broncos in the 70's and is a truly old school player. The type of guy that would love Tebow. He HATED this pick. Because Tim Tebow is not a starting NFL Quarterback, and you don't draft H-Backs in the first round. Period.

Pick 28 (Miami Dolphins) – Jared Odrick, Penn State

**Bangs head against wall**

And that about did it for the first round.

Lessons?

Florida Gators are douche bags.

The more and more Roger Goodell gets hugged, the more uncomfortable he looks.

The Florida Gators cannot dress, and probably cannot spell.

And if you are 6’6”, 300 lbs. and semi-coordinated, it really does not matter how well you can play football for 4 years in pads, only how well you run for 5 seconds in shorts.

Also, I'd be remiss to leave out congratulations to 'Cane draftees Jimmy Graham, Dedrick Epps, Daryl Sharpton and Jason Fox. Go Canes!

The NFL Draft everybody!

Fight Night

Hello All,

Yesterday was the first time that my brother, father and I attended a Miami Hurricanes game together.

This is actually a much bigger deal than you would think, seeing as we were raised from a very young age to be ‘Canes fans by our parents and my brother is almost 21 years old now.

However, we always had problems making it to games while living in places like Wisconsin and Texas until my brother graduated from high school. My brother and I were always on fall sports teams, so traveling down to Miami wasn’t much of an option. We would have loved to go and watch the ‘Canes play if they were in the area, but surprisingly, the ‘Canes don’t make many trips to Wisconsin (although the baseball team did come to Minneapolis for a tournament once; maybe the greatest weekend ever, as my brother and I got to batboy for the team that a couple months later won the College World Series).

My dad and I were finally able to attend a game together when I was a junior, but again, my brother attending Ole Miss presented a problem to him being able to join us.

Anyway, we were finally able to get to a game together in Tampa on Saturday. Let’s just say it was definitely worth it.

PRE-GAME

- We get in the car at 8:45 AM (yes, 7 hours before kickoff) and don’t stop until we get to Steak ‘N’ Shake. At 10:30 AM. When we step in, the host asks us if we’d like breakfast menus. Billy Stein, after looking confused for a minute, as if he didn’t understand the question: “No… we want a meal.”

- We get a nice view of Tampa from I-275. Billy Stein: “Gainesville, you’re f%&*#’ out. Tampa, you’re f$*#&#’ in. SUPERSTAR.” (I begin to realize my brother has become a combination of Kenny Powers and Stiffler…)

- We park and pull out the football…because that’s what you do at a football tailgate. Except, apparently, in Tampa, where footballs are not allowed. At a FOOTBALL tailgate. In a grass lot. Excuse me? The girl working the lot told us this was because of liability concerns. I would like to meet the doucher that sues a stadium when their car gets bumped by a football at a tailgate. Occupational hazard? I think so! Anyway, we put the football away.

- …That is, we put it away until the fun police walked away, at which point every single group in our row took their footballs out and started throwing them around. It was like when the teacher leaves her 3rd Grade classroom during a test. The second that door closes, all hell breaks loose.

- Some dude working for the stadium (with one of the worst ear piercings I have ever seen) comes over and says if we don’t stop throwing the ball he will take it away. Since we weren’t standing near our car (meaning he had no idea which one we were in), and because this guy was so annoying, my brother and I completely ignore him and keep throwing. When he stepped toward my brother to try and get the ball, Billy threw it to me. When he came toward me and tried to take the ball, I threw it to Billy. And so began the best game of monkey in the middle we have ever played.

- Sidenote: He never got the football.

- The tailgate lot was actually a lot of fun. We met up with friends and were surprised by how many ‘Canes fans there were. Dad: “It seems like there are more UM fans here than at a home game.” Sad, but possibly true. Also, props to Chris, Trent, Steve and Russo for making a tailgate that literally consisted of sitting around and drinking beer in to a kickass time.

- Another downside to the tailgate: big time lack of port-o-johns. This resulted in 20 minute lines to use the bathroom. Luckily, we were near some woods. I simply stepped behind the trailer located next to the woods and…well, you know the rest. Maybe the funniest scene of the day was ten random dudes (USF fans, Miami fans, we were all friends here) lined up on a fence giving each other “bones” before/after taking a pee and constantly checking over our shoulders for cops. Would the cops have really done anything? I don’t think so. But then again, they tried to confiscate our football.

- During warm-ups for the game, my brother and I managed to make either immediate friends or enemies of everyone in our section, depending upon what colors they were wearing. Maybe it was when the Bulls were singing their alma mater and we started a “ ‘Canes over here” chant. Maybe it was the sheer volume. But no matter what you want to call it, it was certainly fun.

- Official verdict on the new uniforms: I like them. I don’t love them, and I wish we would go back to the old school uni’s from the late 90’s. However, aside from the dumb threading on the shoulders and the dual-colored pant stripes, these looked great. The white shoes were a great touch. Also, they made the team look bigger and faster. Which is always a good thing.

- Also of note during warm-ups: Chris Hayes was in uniform for the game, which was awesome to see. And I must say I was impressed that the coaches, anticipating pooch kicks, had Daryl Sharpton, Jimmy Graham and John Calhoun in the kickoff returners-line.

1st HALF
- Miami starts with two big first downs to Hank and LaRon Byrd. The long first drive ends with a touchdown to Hank. (7-0 UM)
- Billy Stein, pissed off after an Ole Miss loss in the Egg Bowl and excited about the touchdown: “Big 4 my brown hairy ass!” to the lady in front of us booing. She deserved it.
- Miami forces a 3&Out
- Miami then stalls a productive drive and is forced to punt
- Sharpton, all of a sudden playing like a man possessed, forces a fumble on B.J. Daniels. Or as the Stein boys took to calling him, Willie Beamen.
- Baby J is running hard, and picks up a first down and then the touchdown. (14-0)
- Billy Stein decides that his new favorite thing is throwing the upside down horns to any USF fans in our vicinity. The best part is that they have NO comeback. Surprisingly gratifying.
- USF kicks a field goal (14-3)
- Miami brings in the sledgehammer, Damien Berry. So far, they have followed the game plan. Pound away and set up playaction. USF’s pass rush is great, but the middle of their D is soft. This is exemplified as Berry picks up 17 big yards. Two first downs later (big plays to Mike James and Aldarious Johnson), Berry rips off a 16 yarder to set up a Baby J touchdown. (21-3)
- Billy Stein just glares at the USF fans down if front of us. Honestly, it was little scary…I had never seen that look in someone’s eyes before.
- Brandon Harris gets a pick, but the offense can’t capitalize and goes 3&out. On the next USF possession, Miami gets big plays by Andrew Smith and Sean Spence (back from injury) to kill a drive.

HALFTIME
- Miami is executing their game plan flawlessly. They are establishing the run and then using it to set up the pass. They have completely stopped the Bulls running back, and most of USF’s yards have come on broken plays in which Willie Beamen just runs around until something happens. Let’s just say I am feelin’ prettaaaaayyyyyyy good.
- Also, a sign that you are an irrelevant football program: during every possible break in the game you are running promotions. Free movie tickets. Free appetizers. Free EVERYTHING. At one point they offered free tickets to the game we were ALREADY AT. It was like a minor league baseball game. Simply ridiculous.

2nd HALF
- USF comes out with a big drive, as expected, to drive down inside the five. Brandon Harris almost had a pick six on the first pass of the half after he jumped an out route, but he let the ball glance off his fingertips. As if poetically, Daniels then leads his team down the field.
- Miami’s D toughens up and stops USF cold on the first 2 plays from the two yard line for no gain. However, on third down, Daniels scrambles for approximately 10 seconds, avoiding multiple tackles and then delivering a strike in to the back of the end zone. (21-10)
- …we have to get a score here…
- Miami goes 3&out. Uh-oh…
- And right about this time, a common theme for the half begins. I turn around when I hear a scuffle going on a few rows back. A female USF fan is yelling something at a male UM fan. He is telling her to leave him alone. Her male friend (also a UM fan…yep, there was a fight between UM fans at an away game) comes down to make things worse. The second guy has his hat knocked off, which leads to the logical response of throwing a haymaker. So now we have a fistfight between two UM fans in the section. Fighter #1 shakes off Fighter #2, only to start being kicked in the back by the female fan that started this mess (she has lost her balance and fallen in to the row behind him). Of course, she is a woman so she is not supposed to be hit. Surprisingly, Fighter #1 shows amazing restraint and does not hit her. And this is why families like the one to my left, who had brought their four little girls to the game (they were buddies with me and Bill by the end thanks to their UM facepaint), avoid football games.
- Billy Stein during the melee: “HIT HER IN THE FACE!!!!!!!”
- Miami and USF exchange three straight 3&out until Miami gets the ball and Berry rips off a big run. Which leads to a 34 yard touchdown pass from Jacory to Dedrick Epps. It looked to me like he was actually aiming for Benjamin, in which case the pass was five yards underthrown. And there were three USF players and two Miami players in the area. But the pass dropped right in to Epps’s chest, and you really can’t complain about touchdowns. (28-10 UM)
- Colin McCarthy kills the next USF drive with a 13 yard sack on Beamen…
- DING DING DING…fight number two. This time, a real mountain of a man in a blue shirt got pushed by some other guy. Well, big man put an end to that pretty quickly, burying about 10 right crosses in to the other guy’s face. And here’s the best part: security let him stay after questioning (I suppose it was self-defense, but REALLY?!?!?)…and kicked out the guy who was busted open! Talk about getting the shaft.
- Coop rips off a big run…
- FIGHT #3! This actually just turns in to a shoving match which spills down the aisle, but the security guards (who are now an occupying force in our section) throw everyone involved out on their ass. And who said the cheap seats weren’t any good? I got three undercards to go with the main attraction!
- Anyway, not much else happened. Lee Chambers and Berry ran well, Bosher added a field goal (31-10) and the defense held strong. ‘Canes win! ‘Canes win!

POST GAME
- I will have more in-depth analysis of the team in the coming weeks leading up to the bowl. However, over cigars after the game, the three of us talked about how we thought that 9-3 was the ceiling for this team before the season. And that ain’t bad.

OTHER GAMES I WATCHED

- Texas vs. Texas A&M: This was one hell of a game and one hell of a performance from Colt McCoy. However, I do not know if it was any better than C.J. Spiller against Miami or Toby Gerhart against Notre Dame. They don’t give me a Heisman vote, but still, my current Heisman ballot:
o 1. Spiller
o 2. Mccoy
o 3. Gerhart
o 4. Tebow
o 5. Clausen
- Rutgers vs. Louisville: Really Louisville? Really? It is so embarrassing to think that we lost to this team in the last five years…
- Cincinnati vs. Illinois: The only noteworthy nugget for this one? ‘Cincinnati’ is really hard to spell. And here’s somethin’ else: I think that both TCU and Cincy (and maybe Boise) could beat UF. Or’Bama. Or Texas. They both play some hard nosed defense and explosive offense. Just puttin’ that out there.
- Ohio vs. Temple: Temple is 9-3?!?!?!?!?!!??!!?!?!?!? When did this happen?
- Auburn vs. Alabama: I swear to God, it is impossible for a team I like to run an effective two minute offense.The ‘Canes? Nope. The ‘Phins? Nope. Anyone playing Florida and Alabama? Nope.
- West Virginia vs. Pitt: Annnnnnd the ‘Neers singlehandedly save my picks for the week. And maybe their coach’s job.

Best Game: Stanford vs. Notre Dame

Best Uniform: The ‘Canes. I like the white shoes…

Game Ball Goes To: Gerhart and McCoy. Duh. NOT Mark Ingram.

Worst Uniform: LSU, for messing up a great helmet. Breathe easy, Mizzou.

Trojan Enz © Boner of the Week Award: Stanford, for almost letting Golden Tate (the same guy that had destroyed them ALL GAME) beat them by playing soft coverage on the final drive of the game. Luckily, they managed to hang on. But still. Big time mess up.

Non-BCS Name You Should Know: Al Golden, Temple coach. They’re 9-3?!?!?!?!?!?!?!?!?!

Always guard the inbound passer.

Senior Day

Hello All,

First, let me begin this post by saying I crushed last week’s picks. Destroyed them. If the picks were a town, I was a betrayed Keyser Soze…as Bill Simmons might say, I was 1986 Larry Bird and those picks were any other relevant team. I wiped that shit up like Leon from Curb Your Enthusiasm.

But that is really for later in the column. First, we have Senior Day to talk about.

This is a weird Senior Day for me…it is the first time that the senior class is comprised mostly of guys younger than me. It is also really the last class that ties this program to the Coker era…there will still be a few Coker recruits around next year, but for the most part they will be Shannon’s guys. So here we go, a player by player breakdown of the class that leaves. Thanks fellas, you might not have had the talent, but there is not a single guy on this list that didn’t have the heart.

Randy Phillips: Played five years and became the leader of the secondary. Was injury plagued but a playmaker when healthy. Sadly, will be most remembered for getting toasted by Oklahoma a few years back. The reality was that he was a safety forced to play corner…and he did a solid job up to that point. Also rocked some great facial hair and one of the least convincing grills I have ever seen.

Eric Moncur: Moncur is the most tragic of all these figures. He was a complete stud when healthy, and probably would have been a first round pick. Instead, he spent most of his career injured and watching as his friends got to play. Tragically, he also watched as his mother and best friend (Bryan Pata) were taken too early. Moncur will always hold a place in the heart of every fan. He is the type of guy who will probably be forgotten about in a few years by all but the most ardent ‘Canes, and the type I look forward to telling my son boring stories about someday: “Yeah, (insert name here) was great, but you should have seen Eric Moncur when he was healthy.” Also, at this point Moncur has been here long enough to have a doctorate, so he’s got that going for him, which is nice.

Jason Fox: Fox is a four year starter on the o-line, which is saying something. Fans didn’t always appreciate him enough, as his consistently solid protection of the blind side has gone overlooked because he was always a technique guy that never really overpowered anyone. He will probably prove to be more popular next year in his conspicuous absence. I actually had a moment like this during Homecoming Weekend. A girl who had once had a crush on me (I have no idea why) and I never really thought was that cute bumped in to me at Monty’s. And she was a babe. Is it because I live in Gainesville? I don’t know, but I have a feeling that the same scenario is in play here…

Javarris James: James, much like Phillips and Moncur, was productive when healthy but could not consistently stay on the field (a theme developing?). He will probably be most remembered as Edgerrin’s cousin, but I will always remember his huge game against Oklahoma this season. It was a perfect obra maestra for Baby J: he was workmanlike and came through when asked rushing for 150 yards in the ‘Canes biggest win in years…and didn’t score.

Dedrick Epps: My favorite of all the seniors, Epps was underutilized during his career but played like a bull in a China shop. Epps was a mismatch for defenses and made a miracle comeback from a knee injury to be ready to play for his senior season. He ran well after the catch and blocked better than people thought he would be able to. If not for Patrick Nix wasting his talents, Epps might already be playing in the pros.

Daryl Sharpton: Sharpton will always be remembered for the massive Broner (yes, Broner) he gave Larry Coker. Coker once compared Sharpton to Jon Vilma. Listen, Sharpton is a solid linebacker against the run. He can hit. That’s about it though. Wasn’t good in coverage, didn’t move particularly well laterally. Does that sound a lot like the former All American, first round pick, NFL Rookie of the Year and Multi-Time Pro Bowler? I think not. Of course, fans took the Vilma thing and ran with it…and have now been disappointed for three years that Sharpton is not all-world. Thanks Larry, brilliant stuff.

Sam Shields: Shields was a stud wideout as a freshman, a head case as a sophomore, plain awful as a junior and the perfect example of a ‘Cane as a senior. He moved over to corner to fill a team need, kept his head down and worked hard, and ended up becoming a starter and doing an admirable job. He will probably be most remembered for his long catch against Nevada as a freshman or as a great “What-If?”…as in: “What if Sam Shields had been able to catch the ball and actually use his 4.2 speed in the forty?” or “What if the coaching staff had redshirted Shields and given him a year to develop as a corner?” or “Wait, Sam Shields ran a 4.2 forty? Who timed that, Mrs. Shields?”. Ok, that last one wasn't a what-if, but a legitimate question regardless.

Chavez Grant: Another guy that peaked against Nevada, “Chevvy” was a solid special teams performer and slot cornerback who was asked to do too much and was exposed as a result. Grant was always a heady player and good leader, but that was about it. It’s a shame that we needed him to be so much more, because on a good team a guy like Chevvy is much more valuable than on a bad one. The question that people will always ask is “How the hell did this guy get the nickname Chevvy?”

Joe Joseph: This is a guy that really made himself in to a player, and he had some big moments during his last season. He probably won’t play in the NFL, and was probably better as a role player than as a mainstay in the rotation. Like Grant, he would be more valuable on a good team, but this is a guy that went way overlooked and deserved better. In fact, everyone on this list did. DAMN YOU COKER!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!

A.J. Trump: Well, Trump would have been better if he was healthy early in his career…I promise, this is not just a copy-paste thing. That’s about as much as there is to say, really.

Matt Pipho: Pipho is really…uhhhh…smart, I guess. You have to give him credit for earning a starting spot with his limited abilities, but the intangibles were definitely more valuable than the tangibles here. However, like many others, I will always argue that you need a few kids like Pipho on your team…just preferably not starting.

Tervarris Johnson: Johnson is one of the unsung heroes of this year’s team. He came in as a highly recruited, highly rated safety who seemed like he was better suited at linebacker but was lined up at corner (if that makes sense, which it shouldn’t). Thus, three years of his career were spent covering kicks. However, in a new offense with new motivation, Johnson became a key contributor at H-Back and has made some big plays this season, but more importantly has stepped up in to a blocking role created by a dearth of tight ends and the injury to Pat Hill. Johnson is a player I had written off and am glad to say has proven me wrong.

Jimmy Graham: What can I say that hasn’t been said already. He was my favorite basketball player and has become one of my favorite football players. I will stop this before I start gushing, but the thought of developing him for two more years and then unleashing him is SCARY. Sadly, it won’t happen, at least not for this program. Think we can get Dwayne Collins to play tight end next season?

Chris Hayes, Matt Perelli, Jake Byrne and Alex Uribe: The walk-ons who all played a role for this team at some point. Hayes was a buddy of mine and is a touching story, as told by ESPN. I will never forget sitting at a keg and getting faced with him one night while we toasted our professor (don't ask me why). Perelli dates (or at least used to date) one of the top five babes in UM history even though he has a beer gut. That makes him a legend to me. He also was the guy that FIU threw on the ground to instigate the infamous brawl. I will always remember watching Byrne dominate everyone during Sportsfest football before being awarded a spot on the team. And Uribe had a beautiful faux-Mullet.

Again, thanks guys, and good luck. Once a ‘Cane, always a ‘Cane.

DUKE BREAKDOWN

Duke is a team that has overachieved and will play a tough game. Thaddeus Lewis is a great (not good, great) quarterback and will make some things happen, but all in all Miami should have too much talent. Should. And yet, I still worry…

Quarterback: Lewis is a game manager who can make things happen with his feet and his arm. Jacory is going through what Kirk Herbstreit accurately described as growing pains. On their best days, Jacory is better. Right now, I think Lewis has the edge. EDGE: Duke

Running Backs: Duke averages 2.1 yards per carry, dead last in the nation. EDGE: Miami

Receivers: Miami has strength in numbers, while Duke’s Conner Vernon and Donovan Varner are two weapons in a passing offense that ranks 9th overall in the nation. Miami has more talent but Duke coach David Cutcliffe maximizes his two best weapons. EDGE: Even

Offensive Line: Miami is giving up 3 sacks a game, but as mentioned, Duke cannot run the ball. They also are ranked 99th in the nation in sacks allowed per game. EDGE: Miami

Defensive Line: Miami has struggled to rush the passer but is more talented. Duke is lead by Vince Oghobaase, a star on the interior. Still, I cannot help but think that Miami’s line will play better than it has lately against a weaker team at home on Senior Day. Call it a hunch. EDGE: Miami

Linebackers: Honestly, I am just going on talent on this one, because the way Miami’s scheme has worked this year, the linebackers impact is minimized by how far back they line up. Call me a homer if you want.Duke has a linebacker whose last name is Rey. He leads their team in tackles. His first name is Vince. I am pretty sure they named the show "V" after this team. EDGE: Miami

Secondary: Miami’s has been better than their reputation, and Duke has a star in Leon Wright. EDGE: Even

Special Teams: Duke is 76th in kickoff returns, 85th in punt returns and 108th in net punting. Not good. EDGE: Miami

Coaching: Cutcliffe is very savvy, and Miami’s staff has some issues to resolve. EDGE: Duke

GUEST PICKER
Ladies and gentlemen, the always witty, always quirky, sometimes overly intelligent John Scarpa!:

"There are some classic match-ups to watch for this Saturday in college football. Firstly, No.10 Ohio State travels to The Big House to take on Michigan. It could be another game in the growing line of annual beatdowns handed down by the Buckeyes to the Wolverines, or it could turn out to be another huge Big 10 upset. Personally, I think the Buckeyes are a wee bit overrated at No.10. (I’d have them closer to No.20.) After all, they are the same team that got taken down by the Boilermakers last month. I’m certainly looking for the upset, since last time I checked they’ve still got one of our trophies in their tainted case. Yes, I’m still bitter. Another big match-up is Cal at Stanford. There’s some history there. Just ask John Elway if he remembers how his 1982 season ended. (Disclaimer: I will not be held responsible if John Elway punches you in the mouth.) Stanford’s looking good after their 55-21 dismantling of USC last week and Cal is trying to keep themselves in the top 25, so all in all this one promises to be a real barnburner as well. But the real match-up to watch this week is Florida International traveling up to The Swamp to take on the No.1 Gators. (I use the term “watch” loosely, since there probably isn’t going to be any TV coverage of the game.)

So, what do I know that the TV people don’t? Last week I sent FIU head coach, Mario Cristobal, a letter containing the “Keys to the Game” for FIU’s success. I really should try to keep them secret, but since discretion seems to be lost on my entire generation I’ll just go ahead and tell them anyway.

Here they are…
1) Hire ninja assassin’s to secretly eliminate all of Florida’s backup quarterbacks. This will be expensive, but it’s absolutely necessary. (You’d figure that ninja assassin’s would lower their prices in these tough economic times, but surprisingly they’re still as greedy as ever.)

2) Purchase protective visors for the entire offense. Remember, if any of these “star players” are blinded by an unnamed thug there will be no way for FIU to win the game. (Also, there will be no real penalty for the thug. Apparently, Urban Meyer spends more time on his knees than Jason Varitek.)

3) Let the Gators score a touchdown. So easy, the Golden Panthers could do it.

4) With no quarterbacks left to hold the PAT attempt, Urban Meyer will send out Tim Teblow (sic) to do the honors. Then, just after the kick and with no warning at all, FIU’s entire team must attack the defenseless, kneeling Tim Tebow. (A play they’ve been practicing and perfecting since 2006.) During the inevitable ensuing brouhaha Tim Tebow must be injured! In my opinion, the weapon of choice should be a crutch, and preferably one made of kryptonite. With no Tim Tebow (or backup quarterbacks either, for that matter) the Gators offense will be crippled.

5) At this time, all FIU players must inject themselves with Super-Soldier Serum from the Captain America comic book series. It is important that they wait until this point so that people will think their superhuman speed, strength, etc. can be attributed to adrenaline rushes brought on by the recent excitement.

6) Play football.

7) And the last and most difficult key of them all… Endure listening to Tim Tebow make another “promise” speech after the devastating loss. It sickens me.

Foolproof! If Mario Cristobal is wise enough to take my advice, this will be the upset of the century. If he doesn’t take my advice, things will end much differently. The Gators will probably put such a harsh beatdown on the Golden Panthers that it might knock them back to 1-AA where they belong. The Gators will probably put up around 60 points en route to their 21st consecutive victory. The Gators, the Gators, the Gators. We live in dark times… Dark times, indeed. Where have you gone, Ken Dorsey?"

MY PICKS

Let me reiterate that I wiped that shit up last week. I was 9-1. I am 14-2 in the last two weeks. I am now 41-35 on the season. Yes, I had to go 14-2 just to get to 6 games over .500. But still, I wouldn’t pick against me right now. I am like Nick Naylor. On crack.

Ohio State over Michigan: The thought of this game is what puts me to sleep when I lay awake in bed.

Arizona over Oregon: Why the hell not?

Oklahoma State over Colorado: Because Colorado sucks.

Mississippi over LSU: Because Dexter McCluster is C.J. Spiller Light. Because the game is in Oxford. Because LSU is overrated. Yes, The Magnolia Bowl is a terrible name for a football game. Any other questions?

Cal over Stanford: This just eeks of a come-down game for Stanford. Like when your buddy manages to pull a girl waaaaaayyyyyyy out of his league one night and then follows it up by bringing home her DUF the next night. You know who I’m talking about.

FSU over Maryland

Clemson over Virginia

UPSET SPECIAL: Yale over Harvard

My friend Anita who attends Yale Law School (she is what some people call a “genius") tells me the Harvard kids have t-shirts for the game that say something along the lines of “Bush Went to Yale”. Clever. I think that the Yalies should respond with something like “Ted Kennedy Killed His Secretary”. That would hurt on two levels. She also tells me that Yale is going to get slaughtered. Well, let’s just say that I am more of a Bush guy myself. Yalies by a field goal!

Always guard the inbound passer.