The NFL Draft- Tremendous Upside

Hello All,

Every year since I was 9 I have watched the first day of the NFL Draft. Do not ask me why.

Up until last year, the first round alone cost me 5-7 hours of time that I was never getting back, that I could easily have just read about in the next day’s sports section. And that was before I watched the 2nd and 3rd rounds, before falling asleep, before having nightmares about Mel Kiper eating me, and before waking up and watching rounds 4-7 the next day. So yeah, I am addicted to the draft.

Anyway, this year, I decided to jot down some notes. You know, because I have a blog. And that is what bloggers do. And away we go.

Pick 1 (St. Louis Rams) - Sam Bradford, Oklahoma

Hey, anytime you can take a quarterback who hurt his shoulder so badly that he missed an entire season (well, technically, injured and then RE-injured the same shoulder) and then pay him a guaranteed $50 million, you have to do it. Ladies and gentleman, the NFL Draft!

Pick 2 (Detroit Lions) – Alphabet Suh, Nebraska

Well, even perennial Stein on the Sidelines whipping boy Matt Millen couldn’t have messed this up. Oh wait, yes he would have. He would have traded up for the first pick and then drafted DeMariyus Thomas. Because who doesn’t want a receiver who played in a Triple Option Offense? And yet, I digress.

Pick 3 (Tampa Bay Buccaneers) – Gerald McCoy, Oklahoma

Highlight of the draft: McCoy, moments after the story about his mother dying before his sophomore season was told, jogging across the stage and giving Roger Goodell the bear hug to end all bear hugs. Come on, don’t even try to tell me you didn’t get a little misty there.

Pick 4 (Washington Redskins) – Trent Williams, Oklahoma

Ahhhhh, our first “upside” pick. “Upside” is loosely defined as any player that looks like Tarzan and plays like Jane. In other words, these are guys who get coaches fired. But hey, when do the Redskins ever fire their head coach?

Pick 5 (Kansas City Chefs…that’s right, Chefs) – Eric Berry, Tennessee

The biggest difference maker in the draft, and he goes fifth. Great googly moogly NFL General Managers.

Pick 7 (Cleveland Browns) – Joe Haden, University in Florida

Cried like a girl. For no reason. Also, can’t dress. I guess it is a miracle that he didn’t wear jean shorts and a wife beater.

Pick 8 (Oakland Raiders) – Rolando McClain, Alabama

Wow, I am at a loss. There is no joke to make here. The Raiders actually made a good pick. This is who I wanted for the ‘Phins. Lose-lose. Damn you AL DAVIS!

Pick 9 (Buffalo Bills) – C.J. Spiller, Clemson

Stein on the Sidelines' Heisman Winner now gets to torch the Dolphins twice a year. DAMN YOU C.J. SPILLER!!!!

Pick 10 (Jacksonville Jaguars) – Tyson Alualu, California

HAHAHAHAHAHHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHA

(…catches breath…)

HAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHA

So, this weekend I drove to Mississippi to visit Brosef Stalin. On my way, I saw some pretty ripe bathrooms. Well, every year there’s one of these picks in the top ten that reminds me of the puddle in the middle of the gas station bathroom floor. Best case, it is just water and it serves as a breeding ground for mosquitoes and stink. Worst case, it is urine and you step in it accidentally. Either way, you lose. Great pick.

Dolphins Trade Down

I don’t know why I even consider the possibility that the Dolphins won’t let me down on draft day. Or game day. Or any day.

Pick 17 (San Francisco 49ers) – Mike Iupati, Idaho

Our first small school guy! This is the guy that has an amazing film because he is twice as big as everyone he played. I actually like the pick, but somehow I don’t see him blocking three guys at once in the NFL like he did at Idaho.

Pick 18 (Pittsburgh Steelers) – Maurkice Pouncey, University in Florida

Wearing…jean shorts, a white t-shirt, work boots and a necklace that looks like it came out of one of those claw machines. Thank you Gainesville, you’ve been great.

Pick 22 (Denver Broncos) – DeMariyus Thomas, Georgia Tech

Or as I like to call him, Kevin Dyson 2.0!

Pick 24 (Dallas Cowboys) – Dez Bryant, Oklahoma State

Or as I like to call him, Randy Moss 2.0!

Pick 25 (Denver Broncos) – Tim Tebow, University in Florida

Wearing the same shirt I wore for a 12 hour road trip through North Florida, Southwest Georgia, Alabama and Northern Mississippi the next day. Think about that.

Also, think about this: Tebow is no doubt a great player. Everyone compliments him as an "Old School" player. Tom Jackson, one of ESPN's analysts, played for the Broncos in the 70's and is a truly old school player. The type of guy that would love Tebow. He HATED this pick. Because Tim Tebow is not a starting NFL Quarterback, and you don't draft H-Backs in the first round. Period.

Pick 28 (Miami Dolphins) – Jared Odrick, Penn State

**Bangs head against wall**

And that about did it for the first round.

Lessons?

Florida Gators are douche bags.

The more and more Roger Goodell gets hugged, the more uncomfortable he looks.

The Florida Gators cannot dress, and probably cannot spell.

And if you are 6’6”, 300 lbs. and semi-coordinated, it really does not matter how well you can play football for 4 years in pads, only how well you run for 5 seconds in shorts.

Also, I'd be remiss to leave out congratulations to 'Cane draftees Jimmy Graham, Dedrick Epps, Daryl Sharpton and Jason Fox. Go Canes!

The NFL Draft everybody!

Happy New Year

Hello All,

Well, unfortunately, it is time to wrap up the 2009 Hurricane football season.

I took two hundred pages of notes this season, or roughly 4000 times more than two season ago. It was at times frustrating, as evidenced by the three cracks that I inflicted on my Blackberry screen (I get a little worked up) throughout the season. However, more of the time, it was uplifting. It marked another step in the right direction and gave me a lot of hope for bigger and better things next season.

Here are my season ending awards:

Most Valuable Player Award: Jacory

Let's just say that, good or bad, this team went as Jacory went. When he was good, this team was unstoppable. When he was bad, so was the team. Sometimes this all happened in one game. He did, however, grab this team and make it his own, which is what an MVP does. Runner Up: Jason Fox

Defensive Player of the Year: Brandon Harris

Sharpton surged late, and McCarthy and Bailey had big years as well. But Harris rarely got beat, rarely took a dumb penalty and eveolved as the season went on in to a very good cover corner. Additionally, he wasn't afraid to come up and thump someone, as evidenced by his three forced fumbles. And he made the one play of the season that made scream so loud I woke my neighbors (the strip sack of Landry Jones in the OU game). Seriously. They came over and asked if we were ok. I wish I were kidding. Runner Up: Bailey

Player Responsible for the Most Excalamtion Points (!!!!!!!!!!!!!): Jimmy Graham

This guy could literally shit himself on the field and I would have thought it was awesome. As I have said, this guy was my favorite basketball player for years because of his heart and tenacity. He played football the same way. If he had ever dunked a touchdown pass, I might literally have died of a rush of blood to the head. Runner Up: Thearon Collier

Rookie of the Year: Mike James

Filled every role we asked him to this season. Gets bonus points for starting at fullback and kick returner...let me know of another guy in America currently filling that role. Runner Up: Olivier Vernon

Best Hair-Do: Olivier Vernon

The Mohawk. 'Nuff said. Runner Up: Jacory

Looked Best in His Uniform: Ray Ray Armstrong

Just looked like a machine sent back through time to destroy receivers going over the middle. Leads me to believe that every single defensive player on the roster should be required to wear the dark visor. Can we make this happen? Give me one good reason why we can't. Runner Up: Graig Cooper

Most Overlooked by the Fans: Graig Cooper

You wouldn't think this, but Cooper actually had a BIG TIME season. He was great in blitz pick-up, a solid receiver and a hard runner. He eliminated the dancing in the backfield and stopped tackling himself. He was the most reliable big play threat and probably the most inappropriately maligned player on the roster. Godspeed in your recovery from injury Cooooooooooop. Runner Up: Jared Campbell

Winston Wolf Award: Damien Berry

He didn't care what happened before he came in or what happened after. He took care of his business and solved problems. A perfect sledgehammer running back. Runner Up: None.

SIDENOTE: The other day Bill turns to me and says "Why the hell didn't Tiger Woods just call the Wolf?" Fanatastic question.

Tom Robinson Most Sympathetic Figure Award: Eric Moncur

This guy went balls to the wall all the time, and as a result he couldn't stay healthy. A shame, because this was a great kid with a lot of talent and a truly inspiraional story.Runner Up: Javarris James

Best Moment: Aldarious Johnson's catch on 4th and 16 against Wake Forest

The three plays before this were terrible and mind-boggling. The throw on this play looked high. Johnson looked double...nay, triple... covered. And yet, he still made the play. And the rest is history. Runner Up: Jacory Harris Throw/Travis Benjamin Catch late against FSU

Best Game: Miami beats Florida State 38-34

If I have to explain this, you are a moron. Runner Up: Miami loses to Clemson in OT

And there you have it. My stomach will never be the same (pretty sure I now have an ulcer...Go 'Canes!), and neither will my phone. I wouldn't trade it for anything.

Thanks for the memories!

Just Out Of Reach

Hello All,

The Miami Hurricanes season was lost in a Game of Inches (wow, that sounded like the beginning of an ESPN article, no?).

Miami just never seemed to get the inch they needed in big spots.

A foot on the sideline here. A diving catch for the opponent there. Jacory was a couple of inches off on his passes, and Wisconsin was able to keep the game an inch or two out of the grasp of the Hurricanes.

At the end of the day, the ‘Canes lost because, as Al Pacino said in his famous “Any Given Sunday” locker room speech, they were unable to win the inches that were everywhere around them.

It was sadly poetic that the game would end on a ball that landed an inch short of Thearon Collier on 4th and 14. The turf gave way from under him on his cut, he couldn’t get back to the ball, and just like that a late game surge of momentum was wasted and the game over.

Wisconsin won because, at the end of the day, they were slower.

They worked seconds off of the clock throughout the game. They squared up and caught balls with no real concern for making something happen after the catch. After all, that is what they do. They play station to station football. This is the type of football that Earl Weaver would have played. They grind it out. They try and take speed out of the game when they can.

And in this game, it was just what the doctor ordered.

Miami just got beat in every aspect of the game.

Miami caught their fair share of bounces, but time and again they were unable to make anything happen.

While the final score was close, the game really was not. This was very much like the Virginia Tech game, the only other time the ‘Canes were taken completely out of their element.

Wisconsin, to their credit, forced the ‘Canes in to a slow-down, pound it out affair for which they were not well equipped. The Badgers, even after a blitzkrieg first 23 seconds saw the ‘Canes return a kick for a touchdown (called back to the 16 after a phantom penalty…and why wouldn’t it be?) and then readjust and score a touchdown on the ground, never took their eye off the ball. They did exactly what everyone expected, and did it very well.

Miami, meanwhile, was confusing to watch. The offense lacked any sort of rhyme or reason for all but the second to last drive, which was run out of the shotgun no-huddle against a prevent defense.

Jacory was not himself; he looked far more injured than lost to me, but others may have a different opinion. The offensive line was outfoxed by the Wisconsin defensive line. The receivers could not keep their footing. The whole unit was a mess.

The defense was not without fault. They could not find a way to cover Lance Kendricks, who finished with seven HUGE catches, most seemingly for big gains on 3rd Down.

However, when the unit is forced on to the field for the majority of the game (I do not know the exact statistics because I was too upset to look at the game stats and have now vowed to never look at them) and still only gives up 20 points, forces multiple turnovers and holds the opposing offense to 3 second half points, your team should win.

And the ‘Canes didn’t.

The game was just out of their reach all night.

Am I shocked? Yes.

Here’s why:

All year long, this team has held the capability to lay over and play dead for 58 minutes and then make something out of nothing. They seem to thrive on winning when they shouldn’t.

After the ‘Canes cut the lead to 6 and went out for the onside kick, my brother and I joked “Twenty bucks Matt Bosher recovers his own kick here.”

And then he actually did it.

Right after a score. With just over a minute left. At midfield. Were the ‘Canes going to score? Yes.

SIDENOTE: Billy Stein, in the midst of our near-heart attacks: “If we had a sister, Bosher could definitely bang her.”

And then the ‘Canes went 4 plays and game over. I don’t know if there was anyone in the stadium who though we were going to lose that game after recovering the onsider.

And maybe that is the best way to wrap up this blog written after the season finale.

We might not have won them all, but we expected to win them all. Even when the odds were completely against us, we never thought this team was out of it.

Last year, the team found itself in pretty much the same scenario against Cal. They didn’t win then either. I also remember never thinking they were going to. I hoped they would. I wanted them to. I was mad that they didn’t. But deep down, I didn’t expect them to.

This year I did.

On paper, this season will only represent a 2 win improvement.

For anyone that watched this team, even in a bowl game that can only be described as a debacle, they know that the reality is vastly different then what the paper will tell you.

Best wishes to Graig Cooper and any one else who sustained an injury, best of luck to those leaving the team (once a 'Cane, always a 'Cane) and, as always, guard the inbound passer.

Senior Day

Hello All,

First, let me begin this post by saying I crushed last week’s picks. Destroyed them. If the picks were a town, I was a betrayed Keyser Soze…as Bill Simmons might say, I was 1986 Larry Bird and those picks were any other relevant team. I wiped that shit up like Leon from Curb Your Enthusiasm.

But that is really for later in the column. First, we have Senior Day to talk about.

This is a weird Senior Day for me…it is the first time that the senior class is comprised mostly of guys younger than me. It is also really the last class that ties this program to the Coker era…there will still be a few Coker recruits around next year, but for the most part they will be Shannon’s guys. So here we go, a player by player breakdown of the class that leaves. Thanks fellas, you might not have had the talent, but there is not a single guy on this list that didn’t have the heart.

Randy Phillips: Played five years and became the leader of the secondary. Was injury plagued but a playmaker when healthy. Sadly, will be most remembered for getting toasted by Oklahoma a few years back. The reality was that he was a safety forced to play corner…and he did a solid job up to that point. Also rocked some great facial hair and one of the least convincing grills I have ever seen.

Eric Moncur: Moncur is the most tragic of all these figures. He was a complete stud when healthy, and probably would have been a first round pick. Instead, he spent most of his career injured and watching as his friends got to play. Tragically, he also watched as his mother and best friend (Bryan Pata) were taken too early. Moncur will always hold a place in the heart of every fan. He is the type of guy who will probably be forgotten about in a few years by all but the most ardent ‘Canes, and the type I look forward to telling my son boring stories about someday: “Yeah, (insert name here) was great, but you should have seen Eric Moncur when he was healthy.” Also, at this point Moncur has been here long enough to have a doctorate, so he’s got that going for him, which is nice.

Jason Fox: Fox is a four year starter on the o-line, which is saying something. Fans didn’t always appreciate him enough, as his consistently solid protection of the blind side has gone overlooked because he was always a technique guy that never really overpowered anyone. He will probably prove to be more popular next year in his conspicuous absence. I actually had a moment like this during Homecoming Weekend. A girl who had once had a crush on me (I have no idea why) and I never really thought was that cute bumped in to me at Monty’s. And she was a babe. Is it because I live in Gainesville? I don’t know, but I have a feeling that the same scenario is in play here…

Javarris James: James, much like Phillips and Moncur, was productive when healthy but could not consistently stay on the field (a theme developing?). He will probably be most remembered as Edgerrin’s cousin, but I will always remember his huge game against Oklahoma this season. It was a perfect obra maestra for Baby J: he was workmanlike and came through when asked rushing for 150 yards in the ‘Canes biggest win in years…and didn’t score.

Dedrick Epps: My favorite of all the seniors, Epps was underutilized during his career but played like a bull in a China shop. Epps was a mismatch for defenses and made a miracle comeback from a knee injury to be ready to play for his senior season. He ran well after the catch and blocked better than people thought he would be able to. If not for Patrick Nix wasting his talents, Epps might already be playing in the pros.

Daryl Sharpton: Sharpton will always be remembered for the massive Broner (yes, Broner) he gave Larry Coker. Coker once compared Sharpton to Jon Vilma. Listen, Sharpton is a solid linebacker against the run. He can hit. That’s about it though. Wasn’t good in coverage, didn’t move particularly well laterally. Does that sound a lot like the former All American, first round pick, NFL Rookie of the Year and Multi-Time Pro Bowler? I think not. Of course, fans took the Vilma thing and ran with it…and have now been disappointed for three years that Sharpton is not all-world. Thanks Larry, brilliant stuff.

Sam Shields: Shields was a stud wideout as a freshman, a head case as a sophomore, plain awful as a junior and the perfect example of a ‘Cane as a senior. He moved over to corner to fill a team need, kept his head down and worked hard, and ended up becoming a starter and doing an admirable job. He will probably be most remembered for his long catch against Nevada as a freshman or as a great “What-If?”…as in: “What if Sam Shields had been able to catch the ball and actually use his 4.2 speed in the forty?” or “What if the coaching staff had redshirted Shields and given him a year to develop as a corner?” or “Wait, Sam Shields ran a 4.2 forty? Who timed that, Mrs. Shields?”. Ok, that last one wasn't a what-if, but a legitimate question regardless.

Chavez Grant: Another guy that peaked against Nevada, “Chevvy” was a solid special teams performer and slot cornerback who was asked to do too much and was exposed as a result. Grant was always a heady player and good leader, but that was about it. It’s a shame that we needed him to be so much more, because on a good team a guy like Chevvy is much more valuable than on a bad one. The question that people will always ask is “How the hell did this guy get the nickname Chevvy?”

Joe Joseph: This is a guy that really made himself in to a player, and he had some big moments during his last season. He probably won’t play in the NFL, and was probably better as a role player than as a mainstay in the rotation. Like Grant, he would be more valuable on a good team, but this is a guy that went way overlooked and deserved better. In fact, everyone on this list did. DAMN YOU COKER!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!

A.J. Trump: Well, Trump would have been better if he was healthy early in his career…I promise, this is not just a copy-paste thing. That’s about as much as there is to say, really.

Matt Pipho: Pipho is really…uhhhh…smart, I guess. You have to give him credit for earning a starting spot with his limited abilities, but the intangibles were definitely more valuable than the tangibles here. However, like many others, I will always argue that you need a few kids like Pipho on your team…just preferably not starting.

Tervarris Johnson: Johnson is one of the unsung heroes of this year’s team. He came in as a highly recruited, highly rated safety who seemed like he was better suited at linebacker but was lined up at corner (if that makes sense, which it shouldn’t). Thus, three years of his career were spent covering kicks. However, in a new offense with new motivation, Johnson became a key contributor at H-Back and has made some big plays this season, but more importantly has stepped up in to a blocking role created by a dearth of tight ends and the injury to Pat Hill. Johnson is a player I had written off and am glad to say has proven me wrong.

Jimmy Graham: What can I say that hasn’t been said already. He was my favorite basketball player and has become one of my favorite football players. I will stop this before I start gushing, but the thought of developing him for two more years and then unleashing him is SCARY. Sadly, it won’t happen, at least not for this program. Think we can get Dwayne Collins to play tight end next season?

Chris Hayes, Matt Perelli, Jake Byrne and Alex Uribe: The walk-ons who all played a role for this team at some point. Hayes was a buddy of mine and is a touching story, as told by ESPN. I will never forget sitting at a keg and getting faced with him one night while we toasted our professor (don't ask me why). Perelli dates (or at least used to date) one of the top five babes in UM history even though he has a beer gut. That makes him a legend to me. He also was the guy that FIU threw on the ground to instigate the infamous brawl. I will always remember watching Byrne dominate everyone during Sportsfest football before being awarded a spot on the team. And Uribe had a beautiful faux-Mullet.

Again, thanks guys, and good luck. Once a ‘Cane, always a ‘Cane.

DUKE BREAKDOWN

Duke is a team that has overachieved and will play a tough game. Thaddeus Lewis is a great (not good, great) quarterback and will make some things happen, but all in all Miami should have too much talent. Should. And yet, I still worry…

Quarterback: Lewis is a game manager who can make things happen with his feet and his arm. Jacory is going through what Kirk Herbstreit accurately described as growing pains. On their best days, Jacory is better. Right now, I think Lewis has the edge. EDGE: Duke

Running Backs: Duke averages 2.1 yards per carry, dead last in the nation. EDGE: Miami

Receivers: Miami has strength in numbers, while Duke’s Conner Vernon and Donovan Varner are two weapons in a passing offense that ranks 9th overall in the nation. Miami has more talent but Duke coach David Cutcliffe maximizes his two best weapons. EDGE: Even

Offensive Line: Miami is giving up 3 sacks a game, but as mentioned, Duke cannot run the ball. They also are ranked 99th in the nation in sacks allowed per game. EDGE: Miami

Defensive Line: Miami has struggled to rush the passer but is more talented. Duke is lead by Vince Oghobaase, a star on the interior. Still, I cannot help but think that Miami’s line will play better than it has lately against a weaker team at home on Senior Day. Call it a hunch. EDGE: Miami

Linebackers: Honestly, I am just going on talent on this one, because the way Miami’s scheme has worked this year, the linebackers impact is minimized by how far back they line up. Call me a homer if you want.Duke has a linebacker whose last name is Rey. He leads their team in tackles. His first name is Vince. I am pretty sure they named the show "V" after this team. EDGE: Miami

Secondary: Miami’s has been better than their reputation, and Duke has a star in Leon Wright. EDGE: Even

Special Teams: Duke is 76th in kickoff returns, 85th in punt returns and 108th in net punting. Not good. EDGE: Miami

Coaching: Cutcliffe is very savvy, and Miami’s staff has some issues to resolve. EDGE: Duke

GUEST PICKER
Ladies and gentlemen, the always witty, always quirky, sometimes overly intelligent John Scarpa!:

"There are some classic match-ups to watch for this Saturday in college football. Firstly, No.10 Ohio State travels to The Big House to take on Michigan. It could be another game in the growing line of annual beatdowns handed down by the Buckeyes to the Wolverines, or it could turn out to be another huge Big 10 upset. Personally, I think the Buckeyes are a wee bit overrated at No.10. (I’d have them closer to No.20.) After all, they are the same team that got taken down by the Boilermakers last month. I’m certainly looking for the upset, since last time I checked they’ve still got one of our trophies in their tainted case. Yes, I’m still bitter. Another big match-up is Cal at Stanford. There’s some history there. Just ask John Elway if he remembers how his 1982 season ended. (Disclaimer: I will not be held responsible if John Elway punches you in the mouth.) Stanford’s looking good after their 55-21 dismantling of USC last week and Cal is trying to keep themselves in the top 25, so all in all this one promises to be a real barnburner as well. But the real match-up to watch this week is Florida International traveling up to The Swamp to take on the No.1 Gators. (I use the term “watch” loosely, since there probably isn’t going to be any TV coverage of the game.)

So, what do I know that the TV people don’t? Last week I sent FIU head coach, Mario Cristobal, a letter containing the “Keys to the Game” for FIU’s success. I really should try to keep them secret, but since discretion seems to be lost on my entire generation I’ll just go ahead and tell them anyway.

Here they are…
1) Hire ninja assassin’s to secretly eliminate all of Florida’s backup quarterbacks. This will be expensive, but it’s absolutely necessary. (You’d figure that ninja assassin’s would lower their prices in these tough economic times, but surprisingly they’re still as greedy as ever.)

2) Purchase protective visors for the entire offense. Remember, if any of these “star players” are blinded by an unnamed thug there will be no way for FIU to win the game. (Also, there will be no real penalty for the thug. Apparently, Urban Meyer spends more time on his knees than Jason Varitek.)

3) Let the Gators score a touchdown. So easy, the Golden Panthers could do it.

4) With no quarterbacks left to hold the PAT attempt, Urban Meyer will send out Tim Teblow (sic) to do the honors. Then, just after the kick and with no warning at all, FIU’s entire team must attack the defenseless, kneeling Tim Tebow. (A play they’ve been practicing and perfecting since 2006.) During the inevitable ensuing brouhaha Tim Tebow must be injured! In my opinion, the weapon of choice should be a crutch, and preferably one made of kryptonite. With no Tim Tebow (or backup quarterbacks either, for that matter) the Gators offense will be crippled.

5) At this time, all FIU players must inject themselves with Super-Soldier Serum from the Captain America comic book series. It is important that they wait until this point so that people will think their superhuman speed, strength, etc. can be attributed to adrenaline rushes brought on by the recent excitement.

6) Play football.

7) And the last and most difficult key of them all… Endure listening to Tim Tebow make another “promise” speech after the devastating loss. It sickens me.

Foolproof! If Mario Cristobal is wise enough to take my advice, this will be the upset of the century. If he doesn’t take my advice, things will end much differently. The Gators will probably put such a harsh beatdown on the Golden Panthers that it might knock them back to 1-AA where they belong. The Gators will probably put up around 60 points en route to their 21st consecutive victory. The Gators, the Gators, the Gators. We live in dark times… Dark times, indeed. Where have you gone, Ken Dorsey?"

MY PICKS

Let me reiterate that I wiped that shit up last week. I was 9-1. I am 14-2 in the last two weeks. I am now 41-35 on the season. Yes, I had to go 14-2 just to get to 6 games over .500. But still, I wouldn’t pick against me right now. I am like Nick Naylor. On crack.

Ohio State over Michigan: The thought of this game is what puts me to sleep when I lay awake in bed.

Arizona over Oregon: Why the hell not?

Oklahoma State over Colorado: Because Colorado sucks.

Mississippi over LSU: Because Dexter McCluster is C.J. Spiller Light. Because the game is in Oxford. Because LSU is overrated. Yes, The Magnolia Bowl is a terrible name for a football game. Any other questions?

Cal over Stanford: This just eeks of a come-down game for Stanford. Like when your buddy manages to pull a girl waaaaaayyyyyyy out of his league one night and then follows it up by bringing home her DUF the next night. You know who I’m talking about.

FSU over Maryland

Clemson over Virginia

UPSET SPECIAL: Yale over Harvard

My friend Anita who attends Yale Law School (she is what some people call a “genius") tells me the Harvard kids have t-shirts for the game that say something along the lines of “Bush Went to Yale”. Clever. I think that the Yalies should respond with something like “Ted Kennedy Killed His Secretary”. That would hurt on two levels. She also tells me that Yale is going to get slaughtered. Well, let’s just say that I am more of a Bush guy myself. Yalies by a field goal!

Always guard the inbound passer.

The Green Pants Jinx

Hello All,

Well, that was a rough Week 4 for Stein on the Sidelines.

Let’s get right in to the carnage that was Miami vs. Virginia Tech.

Pre Game

It is raining buckets in Blacksburg. Not good. Not good at all. Why? Well, Miami has been relying on their speed and athleticism. Which is nullified when the players cannot plant and drive.

Bonus: On top of the rain, we get Sean McDonough and Matt Millen for this one. I think I can see Matt Millen’s excitement over Laron Byrd from here. Seriously, we need to put this guy on the Service Academy circuit. There’s no way he could possibly find a receiver there. Right? Right???

I see Miami is wearing the white over green. Uh-oh. We never play well in big games when we wear green. I was praying for the Storm Trooper white over white. My stomach hurts.

We go down to Holly Rowe on the sidelines…wow…that’s a really…nice…hat…Holly …this is awkward…

The added benefit of being on ABC is getting to see the promos for ABC’s awful new lineup. Can’t wait. Modern Family would be chuckle-worthy, except for the fact that almost every funny moment is spoiled by the promos. And the rest…well…how should I say this?

1^st QTR

- Jacory Harris picks up right where he left off, finding Leonard Hankerson for a nice third down conversion.

- Wait, why are we running these extended handoff plays? Why are we running a stretch play to the short side on 3^rd down? Is Patrick Nix back? What is going on?!?!?!?!?!? Somebody answer me!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!! (this is one of my Ari Gold moments that I have every game, only internally; the answer is yes, there are ulcers in my family)

- To make things better, Jacory gets hit on a corner blitz (hmmm…this is the second time he has been sacked this season and both are on corner blitzes…think Oklahoma will notice?) and fumbles. Alright, that’s fine, the defense will come up big.

- Tech drives down the field and Miami forces a field goal on a nice play by Vaughn Telemaque in

the end zone…but wait…pass interference…ya know, sometimes I wonder why we even use defensive backs, because they get called for pass interference every time. Maybe we should try to blitz 11, like on Tecmo Bowl when you predicted the other team’s play.

- Virginia Tech scores a touchdown after the penalty. (7-0 VT)

- Miami calls for an awful run play on 3^rd down…seriously…is Nix signaling plays to Whipple. Is Whipple acting as Nix’s host right now, like in Men in Black? Egads.

- Tech almost fumbles the fair catch, but they manage to hang on to the ball. If we are going to win this game, it is becoming readily apparent that we will need some good breaks. That would have been one.

- Tech gets a play overturned on a challenge…another break for them…

- Quickly followed by a 48 yard touchdown pass on a ball that was underthrown for the receiver BUT hit him in stride anyway because Chavez Grant slipped and fell. Oh dear. (14-0 VT)

- Miami runs a 2^nd and long play straight in to the line…with no lead blocker…against an attacking defense…seriously, how is this happening?

- Miami runs a 3^rd down screen play to Cooper…I am at a complete and total loss…

2^nd QTR

- Virginia Tech muffs a punt and Kendall Thompkins dives on it. MIAMI BALL!

- And Matt Pipho gets literally pushed over by the defensive end. The resulting sack kills the drive that began in amazing field position (the sack + Jason Fox’s false start). Well, that’s just awesome.

- Kelsey Grammar isssssssssss HANK! Part of ABC’s new fall comedy lineup!

- Tyrod Taylor is having his way with the Miami D. So far, the attacking defense seen against Georgia Tech is gone, replaced by a reactive, unimaginative defense that is swarming to the ball 8 yards past the line of scrimmage, not 3 yards behind. Well, our big play offense can bail us out. Wait, what happened to our big play offense?

- Brandon Harris takes a smart pass interference that saves a long touchdown.

- Millen just said that Ryan Williams “runs well with his eyes”. This is the new hot phrase for commentators this year. He runs well with his freakin’ feet. Let’s not kid ourselves. No one runs with their God damn eyes. That’s like saying “Pedro Martinez is pitching well with his brain tonight”.

- Tech misses a field goal… Mark Whipple will definitely go for the kill shot here to put us right back in it.

- A RUN PLAY ON 3^RD AND 4? WHAT THE F#$% IS GOING ON? WHAT TEAM IS THIS???

- And lo and behold, Virginia Tech, masters of Beamer Ball, Kings of Special Teams, block a punt and score a touchdown. Did we not KNOW that they block punts? Who is coaching special teams, Eddie? (21-0 VT)

- I wonder aloud with my dad whether Whipple is refusing to change the strategy because he feels his plays are so good that they should be working and it’s the players’ fault that they aren’t. The Tech defense is destroying everything he calls, and yet he has not adapted. He is either worse than we thought (which I tend to disagree with) or is trying to prove a point.

- Miami runs on 2^nd and long for a gain of 1.

- And Holly reports that Taylor takes advice from Michael Vick. Would love to hear that conversation.

HALFTIME

- GOD. DAMN. IT.

- “It’s the frickin’ green man. I’m tellin’ you, it’s a curse.” – Richard Stein

- My buddy Trent and I have the following text message exchange:

Trent: Why can’t we tackle?

Me: Or cover?

Trent: Or run?

Me: Or block?

Trent: Or catch?

3^rd QTR

- Cooper starts the half with a 39 yard return, across midfield.

- Hankerson and Byrd make big catches…and Javarris in for the touchdown! Exactly the type of big play we needed. This team looks re-energized.(21-7 VT)

- Randy Phillips will miss the rest of the game. Sh!t. He is really our only reliable safety. Which means our weakest position is now without its best player. Great.

- Is it me, or does Adrian Peterson looks like he has shingles or a severe skin condition in this Nike ad? I think I am going with Under Armor…

- Miami gets the ball back quickly and has a huge drive going…Jacory to Byrd after eluding pressure…Jacory to Epps… Cooper for 13 yards…

- Jimmy Graham drops 2 balls and Miami turns it over on downs. The announcers than harp on this play for roughly 2 hours. More on this later.

- Tech FG (24-7 VT)

- We need a turnover…our punt hits the VTech up-man and is on the ground…scrum for the ball ANNNNNNDDDDDD…Tech has it. No bounces today.

- Somewhere in there Millen made a joke about McDonough paying for something, which Sean followed with “Why don’t you pay with all the money you STOLE from the Detroit Lions, Matt?”

- That that last part didn’t happen, but it would have been AWESOME, right?

4^th QTR

- Taylor gets away with a ridiculous grounding call.

- Jacory throws a terrible pick. He had Byrd run a double-move that only works when the defender bites. Well, he didn’t bite, and Jacory threw it anyway. Sigh.

- Tech TD (31-7 VT)

- Don’t miss what critics are calling this year’s best “Lost” rip-off…Flash Forward!!

POSTGAME

- Well, that sucked. I have almost no notes for the 4^th quarter…there was nothing worth writing.

- Jimmy Graham is going to be the scapegoat for a lot of people, and that is unfair. Everyone played a bad game, and the team lost as a team. We will need Jimmy at some point this season, and I hope he bounces back. As I have said before, he is a great kid and has worked his ass off to become a weapon for this team so quickly. He played no worse than Jacory or Spence, and they are two of our best players. To be honest, Mark Whipple probably had the worst game of anyone for Miami.

- Not much else to say. I tip my hat to the Hokies, who came out and just rocked the ‘Canes in every aspect of the game. There was never really a moment when Miami had legit shot of winning, and Tech made sure to squash any spark of hope.

- At least Miami should be angry for the Sooners next week.

The Morning After

- First of all, let me say that this loss still hurts a lot and I am disappointed in the way the team played. However, let’s not lose sight of its significance. This is only the 3^rd game of the season, and the third time in a row the team had to get pumped up to play a very dangerous opponent. That takes an emotional toll on a young team. The team still has the same problems that it had coming in to the season. There are over 50 players listed as freshmen and sophomores on the roster. That is a huge number. There is no dependable depth, particularly at key positions such as offensive line and safety. The secondary plays as four separate pieces instead of one larger one, and special teams, particularly kick coverage, is spotty. This was always going to be a 2 or 3 loss team that really hit its stride late. Early success changed expectations, and everyone SHOULD want to go undefeated. But this is not a team that was going to realistically compete for a national title, not with the weakness of the upper classes on the roster. It is still a dangerous young team, and there are many good days ahead of it. But there are also going to be a few more bad ones.

- I have decided that the offense reminds me of the scene in “Pulp Fiction” with The Wolf. Jacory is the Wolf, and the rest of the team is Jules and Vincent. The Wolf is always calm, even when things are going badly (sounds like Jacory to me). As long as The Wolf is calm and Quentin Tarantino’s wife doesn’t come home, then Jules and Vincent are calm and collected and can get their job done. However, as calm as The Wolf is, if Quentin’s wife comes home from her shift as a nurse to find them cleaning up their mess (the dead body; for the purpose of this analogy, we can use Miami’s thin offensive line as the “mess”), they are all screwed. Well, against Virginia Tech The Wife came home. Jacory remained calm, but Virginia Tech’s blitz was the wife coming home too early and catching Jules and Vincent (the rest of the offense) trying to clean their mess; the result was a panic from Jules and Vincent that completely undermined the calm of The Wolf. I hope that made sense to everyone else, because it made sense to me.

- On defense, how does John Lovett not adjust at halftime? He should have been blitzing everyone, daring Taylor to beat us with his arm, which he never really did. That’s what Tech did in the first half, and Lovett saw it. I understand sticking to his game plan in the first half, but after watching Tech blow up our offense with the blitz in the first half, didn’t he think we could maybe do the same to them in the second? Or at least try it? Snarl.

Other Games I Watched

- Ole Miss vs. South Carolina: Not a good weekend for the Stein boys. Jevan Snead looked about as coordinated as Larry David trying to open his GPS.

- Nevada vs. Mizzou: As uninteresting as it sounds.

- UNC vs. Georgia Tech: Tech proved that they are indeed better than they showed against Miami. Or maybe UNC is just overrated. Whatever. Looks like another year of ACC cannibalization.

- Wisconsin vs. MSU: Flashbacks of the 9 year prison sentence that was my time in Green Bay. I flipped the channel really quickly. But I will take this time to say hello to my friend Doug that chose to study abroad in Kenya of all places (he goes to Madison). Congrats Douggie, Da Badgers are slightly less mediocre than Sparty!!!

- Yale vs. Cornell: Hey, it was on, ok? I don’t feel like I should have to defend myself for giving this game its due 5 minutes…

- Southern Miss vs. Kansas: Honestly, not much to say here.

- Indiana vs. Michigan: Or here.

- Auburn vs. Ball State: Or here.

Best Game: Iowa vs. Penn State, from what I understand. I really couldn’t bring myself to watch more football after the Miami game.

Best Uniform: Oregon, against all odds, in the throwbacks.

Game Ball Goes To: Bud Foster, Virginia Tech Defensive Coordinator. He made a great offense look silly. Well done. Prettay, prettaaay, prettaaaay, prettaaaay, prettay good (that’s 2 Curb references; I feel like Stein on the Sidelines is singlehandedly going to be responsible for the success of the current season).

Worst Uniform: Miami, white over green. Not the worst looking, but we already discussed this.

Trojan Enz © Boner of the Week Award: Me, for my picks last week. More on this in the next post.

Brian Rolle “Should’ve Been a ‘Cane” Award: Charles Clay, Tulsa. Clay is a big combo back for the Golden Hurricane and is extremely productive. We recruited him as an underrated linebacker out of Arkansas and lost out to…Tulsa?? What the hell? Anyway, we could certainly use as many big, physical linebacker/running back prospects as possible.

Non-BCS Name You Should Know: Deandre Brown, Southern Miss. Stud wide receiver. If he played at an SEC school, which he could have, he would be a household name like Julio Jones or A.J. Green.

Always guard the inbound passer.

Also, to my buddy Tim: good luck in Azerbeijan big guy.