Wide Receivers are Like Actresses

Hello All,

The comparisons between receivers and actresses (or divas) is always easy to make. They are usually high profile, tightly wound and eager to bitch. Having been out here for about a month now...and still not being rained on once...I am beginning to see a lot of the quirks of actresses.

For one, most of them are in plain, utter denial...this doesn't have so much to do with the receivers, but I figured I should put it out there. Second, they all think that they are AWESOME at karaoke. Which I guess goes for the whole town. Third, they go everywhere in packs of 5 girls or more (or with their boyfriends, which is another story) and then bitch that guys don't come up and talk to them (always thinking their open, even when they're not...c'mon, that was a GREAT comparison!). Fourth, every out of work actress is a "model". Fifth, they worry waaaaayyyy too much about style and not enough about substance.

Receivers are a lot like actresses in the following ways: There are a ton of them and they go everywhere together (4 and 5 receiver sets!), and 4 out of the 5 bitch when they don't get the ball on a given play (which, by the way, I like...to an extent); they all think that they are the number one receiver (again, good thing to an extent, but usually is just false); they sometimes worry too much about making the highlight catch and forget to grab hold of the easy ones (kind of like forgetting that you can't sing but choosing Carrie Underwood for karaoke); and finally, every receiver who is out of work (Terrell Owens anyone?) defaults to touting themself as the finest physical specimen in the game (like an actress calling herself a model even when they aren't).

And that, my friends, is how we do a transition into talking about receivers here in Los Angeles. Plus, now I have an excuse to look through hundreds of pictures of Carrie Underwood until I find the perfect one. She is, after all, a "Future Former Mrs. Stein on the Sidelines".

Wide Receivers

The Season That Was: Well, we learned once again that there is only one football, and no matter what that video game you’re playing says, not everyone can be the number one wideout. Leonard Hankerson emerged as the number one wide receiver, while Travis Benjamin, LaRon Byrd and Thearon Collier all had their moments. Aldarious Johnson couldn’t seem to get healthy consistently, but still managed to make perhaps the play of the year in the Wake Forest game. Kendall Thompkins and Tommy Streeter got fans excited in limited playing time, and Davon Johnson reshirted.

What Was Lost: A big ball of nothing. Getting Hank back was a big win for this program. You can never have enough experienced playmakers.

Roll Call

Leonard Hankerson (Sr.) – Goes in to the season as the best receiver Miami has had since Roscoe Parrish and the most physically imposing since Andre Johnson. Will be working with Mark Duper for the second summer in a row, which is a great thing; despite the jump he made, Hank still showed flashes of the inconsistent hands that plagues his freshman and sophomore campaigns. He has good rapport with Jacory Harris and is the total package: he can run by people after the catch, go up high and get the ball, break tackles, etc. If Hank can put up another big season he is a possible first round pick.

LaRon Byrd (Jr.) – Stein on the Sidelines’ favorite receiver is a physical monster who opponents respect. A lot of the credit for Hankerson’s big year should be given to Byrd for drawing double teams. He has high expectations for himself and is a hard worker, but at the end of the day all he wants is the win. True ‘Cane that could end up a high round draft pick in a couple of years.

Travis Benjamin (Jr.) – The most exciting player on the roster that can take any play to the barn. Is dangerous running deep routes because no player can single cover him in a foot race, meaning the safety has to come over the top; if he doesn’t, Benjamin will walk in to the end zone (Exhibit A: Florida State). He also is a threat on returns, although he does a little bit too much stutter stepping on punt returns to be a true gamebreaker. The staff raves about his work ethic, and he is the fastest guy on the team. He keeps getting bigger, which will help his slight frame absorb punishment. Another possible high round draft pick.

Thearon Collier (Jr.) – A jitterbug that housed two punts last season and always seems to make the clutch reception. He has had weight problems, however, and is going to be pushed by Kendall Thompkins for playing time this season. How he responds will be one of the most interesting storylines of the season. On a personal note, his son died this offseason, and every ‘Cane fan should say a prayer for the young man.

Aldarious Johnson (Jr.) – Didn’t put up big stats last season and seemed a little slow all year. However, he is clearly still Jacory’s go-to guy in the clutch and should be more productive this season. Good route runner and blocker that will always have a place on the field for Randy Shannon because he does the little things.

Tommy Streeter (So.) – My dad’s personal favorite receiver, he is a 6’6” burner (4.4 Forty) who opens up the vertical passing game. He is at this point a bit player, however, because he hasn’t gotten physical enough to be an everydown receiver. Probably the most talented receiver on the roster and should have a package of plays that he is used in this season. This is the closest thing on the roster to my run-in with one of the female dancers from Dancing With the Stars. Great body (met her at a pool party), can tell she has a lot of potential...BUT, she just had a nose job and was rockin' two black eyes and a big floppy sun hat. Three months from now, she could be great or she could be like the chick from that episode of Seinfeld. You just never know.

Kendall Thompkins (So.) – Thompkins is a burner in the slot who has torn it up two springs in a row. He has plenty of guys in front of him to beat out, but the question now is can they keep Thompkins on the bench. There were rumors he might transfer or switch to defensive back, but I think they were put to rest by his big spring. Will factor in to the return game at minimum.

Davon Johnson (So.) – Made the decision to redshirt last season and create some separation in classes while he became a better player. Probably smart, as he has a great skill set and can fly. Will figure in to the return game and could get into the rotation at receiver. As a freshman, caught everything thrown his way.

Allen Hurns (Fr.) – Hurns draws comparisons to a young Hankerson and is now working out with Duper as well. Is 99% certain to redshirt. If he doesn’t, something really bad happened.

Tight End

The Season That Was: Mark Whipple’s new offense made the tight end prominent again, and as a result Miami got great production out of a basketball player and a guy coming back in record time from an ACL tear.

What Was Lost: Dedrick Epps was the best all around tight end on the roster and was drafted by the Chargers. Jimmy Graham was the fan favorite and a freak athlete that was drafted by the Saints in the 3^rd round after one season of college football. Aside from that, nothing.

Roll Call

Richard Gordon (Sr.) – Seems like he has been around forever. Remember when he returned kicks? Anyway, he is a great blocker and a very unproven receiver, with 4 total receptions in his career. The talent is there, but the question is whether or not he will use it.

Chase Ford (Jr.) – JuCo transfer that should play right away and will probably be the team’s best receiving option at the position. Matter of how quickly he will pick up the playbook and whether he can block.

Billy Sanders (R-Fr.) – Redshirted last season and will see playing time this year. One player called him the toughest guy on the roster. Good to hear, and now we will see if he can make an impact or not.

Asante Jabari- Cleveland (Fr.) – Most likely of the freshmen to play at this position. Very projectable and has a big frame. If he can block and learn the playbook he might make an impact. Still a likely redshirt candidate, however.

Andrew Tallman (Fr.) – Big time athlete who is very raw. Will most likely redshirt, and could be moved to tackle or defensive end.

Clive Walford (Fr.) – Very good athlete, will redshirt if he qualifies academically. Was predominantly a basketball player in high school.

Always guard the inbound passer.

Just Out Of Reach

Hello All,

The Miami Hurricanes season was lost in a Game of Inches (wow, that sounded like the beginning of an ESPN article, no?).

Miami just never seemed to get the inch they needed in big spots.

A foot on the sideline here. A diving catch for the opponent there. Jacory was a couple of inches off on his passes, and Wisconsin was able to keep the game an inch or two out of the grasp of the Hurricanes.

At the end of the day, the ‘Canes lost because, as Al Pacino said in his famous “Any Given Sunday” locker room speech, they were unable to win the inches that were everywhere around them.

It was sadly poetic that the game would end on a ball that landed an inch short of Thearon Collier on 4th and 14. The turf gave way from under him on his cut, he couldn’t get back to the ball, and just like that a late game surge of momentum was wasted and the game over.

Wisconsin won because, at the end of the day, they were slower.

They worked seconds off of the clock throughout the game. They squared up and caught balls with no real concern for making something happen after the catch. After all, that is what they do. They play station to station football. This is the type of football that Earl Weaver would have played. They grind it out. They try and take speed out of the game when they can.

And in this game, it was just what the doctor ordered.

Miami just got beat in every aspect of the game.

Miami caught their fair share of bounces, but time and again they were unable to make anything happen.

While the final score was close, the game really was not. This was very much like the Virginia Tech game, the only other time the ‘Canes were taken completely out of their element.

Wisconsin, to their credit, forced the ‘Canes in to a slow-down, pound it out affair for which they were not well equipped. The Badgers, even after a blitzkrieg first 23 seconds saw the ‘Canes return a kick for a touchdown (called back to the 16 after a phantom penalty…and why wouldn’t it be?) and then readjust and score a touchdown on the ground, never took their eye off the ball. They did exactly what everyone expected, and did it very well.

Miami, meanwhile, was confusing to watch. The offense lacked any sort of rhyme or reason for all but the second to last drive, which was run out of the shotgun no-huddle against a prevent defense.

Jacory was not himself; he looked far more injured than lost to me, but others may have a different opinion. The offensive line was outfoxed by the Wisconsin defensive line. The receivers could not keep their footing. The whole unit was a mess.

The defense was not without fault. They could not find a way to cover Lance Kendricks, who finished with seven HUGE catches, most seemingly for big gains on 3rd Down.

However, when the unit is forced on to the field for the majority of the game (I do not know the exact statistics because I was too upset to look at the game stats and have now vowed to never look at them) and still only gives up 20 points, forces multiple turnovers and holds the opposing offense to 3 second half points, your team should win.

And the ‘Canes didn’t.

The game was just out of their reach all night.

Am I shocked? Yes.

Here’s why:

All year long, this team has held the capability to lay over and play dead for 58 minutes and then make something out of nothing. They seem to thrive on winning when they shouldn’t.

After the ‘Canes cut the lead to 6 and went out for the onside kick, my brother and I joked “Twenty bucks Matt Bosher recovers his own kick here.”

And then he actually did it.

Right after a score. With just over a minute left. At midfield. Were the ‘Canes going to score? Yes.

SIDENOTE: Billy Stein, in the midst of our near-heart attacks: “If we had a sister, Bosher could definitely bang her.”

And then the ‘Canes went 4 plays and game over. I don’t know if there was anyone in the stadium who though we were going to lose that game after recovering the onsider.

And maybe that is the best way to wrap up this blog written after the season finale.

We might not have won them all, but we expected to win them all. Even when the odds were completely against us, we never thought this team was out of it.

Last year, the team found itself in pretty much the same scenario against Cal. They didn’t win then either. I also remember never thinking they were going to. I hoped they would. I wanted them to. I was mad that they didn’t. But deep down, I didn’t expect them to.

This year I did.

On paper, this season will only represent a 2 win improvement.

For anyone that watched this team, even in a bowl game that can only be described as a debacle, they know that the reality is vastly different then what the paper will tell you.

Best wishes to Graig Cooper and any one else who sustained an injury, best of luck to those leaving the team (once a 'Cane, always a 'Cane) and, as always, guard the inbound passer.

Al Groh Sleeps With the Fishes

Hello All,

This was a big weekend for Stein on the Sidelines, and you will see why as you read this.

But allow me to begin by saying I cannot stand Virginia. I have had dreams for roughly two years about smacking Virginia so hard that they had to fire their coach. Seriously. That exact scenario. Why am I dreaming about this? Well, good question. Anyway, there was no way we could have won this game by enough points. Miami could beat Virginia 220-0 (the actual score of a game between Georgia Tech and Cumberland College about 100 years ago…look it up) and I would still want more.

You see, I consider the Orange Bowl a major part of my development as a person. It was the site of some of the ‘Canes greatest triumphs and most devastating defeats, which by extension made it the sight of some of my greatest triumphs and most devastating defeats.

When Miami and Virginia played the final game there, I knew that we were a bad team. I wasn’t naïve. But still, I thought that the Old Girl had at least one more magic night in store for me, one more look back in time. I actually wrote an article about the game after I got back that night that won an award for best sports article of any college student at any college newspaper in Florida for the year 2007. Needless to say, I had a deep connection with that place.

Well, Virginia essentially shit on Her when she was on her death bed. They beat the ‘Canes 48-0 that night, which is bad enough, but they did it in almost mean-spirited fashion, running up the score on a bad team under a first year head coach. For this, I will never forgive them. And that is why I didn’t drink on game day this year. I had a feeling this was going to be a slaughter.

And I wanted to be aware of every single crushing inch. I wanted to see Virginia hurt. I wanted to see Al Groh run out of town, floated out on a fishing boat in to the middle of the lake and then shot in the back of the head (just wait, there will be at least one more Godfather II reference…PS, I mean this in a very non-literal sense, I would not ACTUALLY like to see him shot, maybe just pushed overboard, just to make this analogy work…as far as you know).

I made the trip to Miami just so I could watch it happen in person. Let’s just say that Randy did a pretty damn good job of appeasing me.

1st QTR

• As if to prove that, yes, he is the most badass man on the field at all times, Damien Berry, our new star running back, just ran down the field and destroyed the Cavalier return man on the opening kickoff. I love it.
• Jared Campbell makes two big plays back to back, nearly getting a Pick 6, and the ‘Canes force a punt. Yes, THAT Jared Campbell. Formerly known as the "Corpse Known as Jared Campbell", now known as a solid run-supporting safety on a good football team.
• Miami drives down the field but stalls out thanks to a penalty (WHAT?! Miami got called for a penalty? Get outta town!) and kicks a field goal. Solid start. (3-0 UM)
• Jacory throws a bad pick on Miami’s next possession, throwing it directly to Virginia’s best player. You know, I’m not even mad. I’ve come to terms with it. Once or twice a game, Jacory will still do something foolish. It’s just how it is. I love him at quarterback, for a lot of reasons. I guess this is the tradeoff for actually having a quarterback I like on AND off the field for once.
• Virginia kicks a field goal. (3-3)
• Miami then follows with a 3 and Out (Whipple seems to be trying to wear them down in the first quarter with the run)…and then the punt is blocked, giving Virginia a short field and eventually a touchdown. Deep breaths. (10-3 UVa)
• Jacory comes out and throws a deep ball to LaRon Byrd, and then on the next play hits Hank for a 35 yard touchdown. Annnnd this is why Hank is scary for defenses. He is 6’3”, 220 lbs (at least) and fast enough to make things happen after the catch. Figure the typical ACC corner is like 5’10”, 185 lbs. I don’t even have to say the rest. (10-10)
• …gasping for air…gasping for air…I will spare you the CAPS LOCK and exclamation points, but Thearon Collier just made the play of the year on a punt return. My dad and I just had a full out, genitals on genitals hug in the middle of a crowded stadium...and no one noticed. You know, just your every day “evade two tacklers on the far left sideline, retreat 11 yards as you cross the field, pick up three crushing blocks as you cut it up the right sideline and follow your armada in for a touchdown” number. I haven’t heard a stadium rock like that since Devin Hester against Duke in 2005 (Don't believe me?). The best part? Brandon Harris, his teammate and best friend for years, tackling him in the end zone during the celebration after Virginia couldn’t. Second best part? The blocking. Third best part? The play took 16 seconds. Fourth best? Doc Walker on the call, which is always a must listen. HOLLA BACK!!!!!!!!! (17-10 UM)

2nd QTR

• Now, Miami smells blood. The defense comes out guns blazin’, and Randy Shannon takes a brilliant timeout (as pointed out by Darrin Smith postgame) that forces UVa to punt in to the massive wind with :02 seconds left in the quarter instead of into the wind after the TV timeout. The result? A shanked punt and great field positions, which sets up a big play to Travis Benjamin and a touchdown pass to Jimmy Graham on a play that me, my dad, my buddy Chris and pretty much everyone but Al Groh predicted. (24-10 UM)
• SIDENOTE: I get the whole “timeouts at the end of the halves” thing. But really, it only applies when it hurts you. Randy is not great with time management, which I recognize. However, just because a timeout is called outside of the final five minutes of a half does not make it a bad timeout. They are there to be used, and I would rather use them to make sure everyone is on the same page before a big third down or to get the formation right early than save them for when they MIGHT be needed. I cannot think of many times this season when we have needed a timeout and not been able to call one (minus the Clemson game, you probably can’t either). Also, thanks to this timeout (which turned out to be genius), I got to listen to the mulleted, drunk, sleeveless, sunburned loudmouth (wait, is this Gainesville?) 3 rows back bitch at the top of his lungs about how we suck. Again. It kills me how I didn’t hear him cheer once when something good happened (like, say, a 35 yard touchdown reception or ridiculous punt return) but every time a mistake was made (how dare we not be PERFECT?!) he couldn’t wait to jump on it. Love it.
• On Miami’s next drive, Coop rips off a pretty 15 yard run to set the ‘Canes up well, but they cannot convert 4th down (a call I loved, by the way).
• Before halftime, Steven Wesley makes a big sack (the d-line is getting a lot of pressure, which is amazing, considering the ENITRE defense hinges on pressure from the front 4). However, Miami is forced to punt on their next drive, which is blocked and returned for a touchdown. Well, so much for all that momentum. Is there a more crushing play than a blocked punt score? Is there? I cannot think of one. The entire point of punting is to surrender a chance to score in order to gain field positions. YOU ARE SURRENDERING. And Miami can’t even do that right? This is a trigger for gray hair I think. (24-17 UM)

Second Half

• After a prolonged opening drive, Berry walks in to the end zone. (31-17 UM)
• Miami quickly gets the ball back, and Berry rips off a 15 yard run.
• Lee Chambers has a big series, leading to the biggest play of the half…
• Jacory is sacked and Virginia’s player tries to rip his head off. On the ground, the ball comes out, and in trying to grab it, the Virginia player (who outweighs Jacory by about 100 pounds) hits Jacory in the face. This looks worse than it probably was. However, Jacory didn’t like it (who would?) and started pushing the guy after the play. Well, Orlando Franklin and Jason Fox see that their quarterback is about to make a bad decision and take it upon themselves to break it up/make sure the ‘Hoos think twice before ever going near their quarterback again. The ensuing pushing and shoving looks for a split second like the FIU brawl all over again before everyone is broken up. The refs then take five full minutes to call the facemask personal foul on UVa, in the process turning an entire stadium against them and waking everyone up from the 3rd quarter alcohol lull. Jacory is mad because he got hit in the face, Randy is mad at the refs, and the rest of the team is mad because Jacory and Randy are mad. Think this isn’t important? Well, before this, Randy was putting the team in to “sit on the lead” mode. After? He responded like Michael Corleone when Diane Keaton tells him about her abortion. Cold. Calculated. Merciless.
• I don’t remember when the fourth quarter started, but the rest of the game was nothing short of a bloodbath.
• Berry scores another TD. (38-17 UM)
• Cooper rips off a 70 yard run, Epps smashes his way to the 4 after catching a pass in the flat, and Coop cashes it in. (45-17 UM)
• Marcus Robinson gets a sack, which brings up this great stat: UVa up to that point was 0-10 on 3rd Down.
• Micanor Regis gets his team leading first interception (yes, he DOES play defensive tackle) as Andrew Smith, Olivier Vernon and Jeremy Lewis play a little game of “meet me at the quarterback”.
• Miami caps it all off by THROWING for a touchdown to Kendall Thompkins. (52-17 UM) YES! YES! A thousand times yes!

Postgame

• I don’t even have to say it. This was an epic beat down that really should have been more like 66-3. And you know what, my only regret is that it wasn’t. I hope Randy said something to Al after the game like “Hey, feel free to apply for my open Special Teams Coordinator position” or “I know it was you Alfred…” or “Go Fuck Yourself” after the game. Also, this is why we love Jacory: "They think just because I'm skinny I won't retaliate,'' Harris said after the game. ``I just told [the offensive line], I'm glad you got my back, didn't leave me out there alone. Sometimes, you're just doing everything for show. But what you really want is for somebody to come grab you and hold you back.'' Hey, at least he's honest.

Other Games I Watched

• Wake Forest vs. Georgia Tech: And just when you think Wake couldn’t be any more annoying, they anally rape us by choking away this game.
• LSU vs. Alabama: Whatever.
• Navy vs. Notre Dame: YEEEEEEESSSSSSSSSSSSSSSSSSSSSSSSSSSSSSSSSSSSSSSSSSSSSSSSSSSSSSSSSSSSSSSSSSSSSSSSSSSSSSSSSSSSSSSSSSSSSSSSSSSSSSSSSSSSSSSSSSSSSSSSSSSSSSSSSSSSSSSSSSSSSSSSSSSSSSSSSSSSSSSSSSSSSSSSSSSSSSSSSS!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!
• Didn’t actually watch the Cal game, but here’s to a speedy recovery for Jahvid Best, one of the most electrifying players I have ever seen.
• FSU vs. Clemson: Same to Ponder

Best Game: Miami vs. Virginia. Nothing is better than that.

Best Uniform: UCLA (our first two time winner!)

Game Ball Goes To: C.J. Spiller

Worst Uniform: Arizona State

Trojan Enz © Boner of the Week Award: Wake Forest, for wasting a Turnover on Downs with a minute left when they only needed to go about 30 yards for the game winning field goal. Unbelievable.

Non-BCS Name You Should Know: The entire Navy roster, my new second favorite team. The streak is over! Free at last, free at last! Lord have mercy, I'm free at last!

Always guard the inbound passer.

An Inch or a Mile,A Win is a Win

Hello All,

Yes, I just quoted Vin Diesel in my title. You know why? Because I could.

Another good reason to quote Vin Diesel? Thanks to this Hurricane team, I am aging about as well as Vin...for anyone that saw his last movie, you know exactly how terrible a thing that is.

PRE GAME:

• Thank God, Lee Corso picked Wake in the upset. We have enough working against us with a 3:30 start time on the road in chilly rainy conditions (sound familiar?). We do not need another unanimous vote of confidence from the guys on Gameday. Also, props to ESPN for running an excellent piece on Chris Hayes, a guy I had classes with and one of the nicest kids at the university.
• This is the combination that we are greeted by when ABC cuts over from the Raycom coverage of FSU vs. NCSU to the Miami game: green pants, clouds, rain and Brian Griese. FUCK.

1st QTR


• Miami opens up with a ten yard end around to Travis Benjamin. I love the play call, and the message it sends: if you can’t beat our speed, you are going to lose the game.
• As if to spite me, the ‘Canes then go three and out. Sometimes, I just want to punch myself. Oh, and just to make things interesting, Wake Forest almost blocks the punt. Miami’s upback, John Calhoun, failed to notice the guy dressed in black from head to toe come flying around the corner. Who would’ve thought that Wake might actually send a guy around the edge to try and block a punt, right?
• Early on Wake’s opening drive, Sam Shields gets called for a personal foul, in the least surprising turn in history. Also, the broadcast production unit seems to think that the TV audience wouldn’t want to actually see the foul. Actually, maybe a good idea, because as it is I was on the verge of hysterics with my old buddy Shields, who I have been writing bad things about for 3 seasons, mostly when he does something like commit a personal foul in a close game or drop 75% of the balls thrown his way. Not that I am bitter.
• Wake Forest hits a big play across midfield to their stud receiver, and a couple plays later has moved the ball to the 5 yard line. However, Miami stiffens up and forces a field goal. (3-0 WF)
• Damien Berry gets his first two carries and turns them into a first down after breaking something like 27 tackles. Jacory hits Aldarious Johnson on a pretty playaction pass, but the drive dies and Miami punts again.
• This just in from my buddy Justin, who is nothing if not extreme in his love for the Hurricanes: “Whipps needs to run the ball more.” Ladies and gentlemen, life as an offensive coordinator! Remember, this is the same guy we were all pissed at last week when he ran the ball to win the game. I don’t think anything short of all the gold in Fort Knox could convince me to be the offensive coordinator at the University of Miami.
• Riley Skinner makes an amazing throw, throwing an out in to the flat across the field as he is dragged to the ground. Sometimes, you can’t even get mad.
• Miami has actually been blitzing early, and yet Skinner keeps beating it. Even when the blitz is timed right and the coverage is good, he is fitting the ball in to tight windows after a quick read. When the quarterback is playing like this he cannot be beat. Period.
• Miami gets called for defensive holding, which I am pretty is damn near impossible to get called for on a short pass play. And people wonder why I despise referees. Also, Wake Forest scores a touchdown. (10- 0 WF)
• Classy move by ABC, lingering on a sign that says “TH ll_ _ll GS”. Completely unrelated, but this is starting to look like the ‘Canes are going to let Clemson beat them two weeks in a row.
• Miami starts the next drive with a first down on a screen to Mike James and then hits a 31 yard pass play to Hank. This is of course followed by a false start and punt. Which Bosher kicks through the goal posts. Net gain on this punt: 15 yards. Brilliant.

2nd QTR

• Wake runs for two first downs and then Skinner catches one. Yep, you read that right. This is bordering on the absurd.
• Russo texts me and says “Does Colin have to do everything?” Yes. Yes he does. And right now, he isn’t doing ANYTHING.
• Riley Skinner scores on a quarterback draw. (17-0 WF)
• …speechless…
• I get something like 15 text messages all at once that vary on the same theme: “Are you f$%king serious?”
• Miami comes out after a solid Mike James kick return in the hurry up offense…wait, the hurry up?! This actually makes so much sense that it can’t be real…
• First down…first down…TOUCHDOWN! This was completely set up by the hurry up, as Bob, errrr Brian, or whatever his name is astutely points out. Aldarious Johnson, we missed you. (17-7 WF)
• And Miami fails to do much of anything in kick coverage..Wake starts with the ball at the 35.
• Wake’s fullback catches a pass that Miami defended perfectly (this is the first of like 5 times I wrote something similar to this during the game).
• Allen Bailey picks up his 6th sack of the season on a blitz package to force a Wake punt. The coverage team flashes up a statistic that says Wake gave up 9 total punt return yards in all of 2008 and only 38 so far in 2009. WHAT?!?! That is one of the most amazing things I have ever heard.
• Miami cannot capitalize on a big play by Hank and punts. Wake goes down and scores a field goal, although they missed a surefire touchdown on a play when Miami only had 10 guys on the frickin’ field. (20-7 WF)
• Miami gets the ball with not much time left and my dad and I embrace for two kneel downs and Dan Stein firebombing the stadium. But then Jacory comes out in the shotgun and hits a big play to Collier…and Cooper rips off a big run…and Collier makes a big catch…and Damien Berry scores! Miami heads in to the half down 6, at 20-14, after recovering the squib kick and hitting a big play to Hank before running out of time.

Halftime

• My dad and I are so excited we have to go throw a football around. I am inspired by that last series. Cutthroat football at its best.

3rd QTR

• Bosher gets Miami’s first touchback of the season on the opening kickoff!!! In week 8. Yes, that deserves three exclamation points.
• Wake gets two quick firsts and then a blow job from the ref, who decides that Shields’s perfect coverage is pass interference. Shields recovers on the next play to force a fumble that Vaughn Telemaque recovers.
• Miami, of course, follows this momentum swing by going 3& out.
• Wake and Miami exchange 3&outs.
• Wake’s receiver makes another great catch to convert 3rd and 16. Skinner then converts 3rd & 9. Oh, and wait, another terrible P.I. call. Shocking! Wake beats a Cover Zero blitz for a touchdown. I’m not even mad, because it is me that has been calling for this for 7 games. (27-14 WF)
• Hanks makes a big catch before Jacory rolls into a sack, which leads to 2nd and 24, which leads to a draw play, which leads to Dan grabbing his Louisville Slugger and destroying the television set. That didn’t actually happen, but would anyone have blamed me?
• Jacory throws an interception instead of throwing it out of bounds and taking the punt.
• Bailey makes a big play to force Wake into 2nd and long, which leads to a punt, which surprisingly isn’t faked. Wake then bails Miami out of a muffed punt and bad field position with a…gasp…personal foul? THUGS!!!!!!!!! SCOUNDRELS!!!!!!!!!!!!!

4TH QTR

• Jacory hits Hank for a first down and Miami goes back to the hurry up. Before 3rd down, ABC flashes up this fun little stat: Miami is 3/10 on 3rd down today. Great stuff. As if on cue, Jacory is sacked.
• Miami punts, which is followed by a pass interference call on DVD behind the line of scrimmage. Is that even possible? Shannon protests, and it does not even appear that the refs give him the time of day. This is the 500th straight game that Miami gets the short end of the officiating stick, a new record. Also, the next time someone calls an opponent for holding a Miami defensive end might give me a stroke. Also, why is it that the ‘Canes never are the beneficiary of a pass interference penalty?
• Wake misses a field goal, keeping Miami alive. Miami capitalizes by going 3 and out. They have 10 total yards in the half (or something like that).
• Wake muffs the Miami punt, which rolls around on the 2 for the most nerve wracking .34 seconds in sports before Shields jumps on it! First and goal from the 2 for the ‘Canes.
• Whipple calls a playaction pass for Jacory (to say I am puckered is an understatement), who completes it to a wide open Tervarris Johnson in the back of the end zone. The fact that Johnson is an asset this year is pretty much all you need to know about Whipple. (27-21 WF)
• ABC comes out of commercial with a shot of the Wake library. For the second time. I imagine going to school there probably sucks.
• Wake makes another ridiculous catch and converts a first down. Then, on 3rd and 5, Miami tips the ball three times before DVD comes down with it for his first career interception. First of all, this was the luckiest INT ever. Second, is it bad that our third year starting CORNERBACK just recorded his first career interception? Yes, yes it is. (Upon watching the highlights, I noticed DVD threw up 6 fingers after the play to honor Jasper Howard…that is one of the most badass things I have ever seen.)
• Miami, of course, cannot capitalize. Hank drops a pass and the ‘Canes punt.
• Skinner picks up a first down on a scramble but suffers a concussion. You hate to see it, but at this point I will take it.
• Wake’s backup picks up a first down and I get a sinking feeling for the first time that we might actually lose to Wake Effing Forest.
• Miami takes a bad timeout and then gives up a first down coming out of it, but gets bailed out by an offensive holding call. On 3rd and 17 with fewer than 3 minutes left, Miami digs deep and comes up with a sack. They then call timeout. And this is where we find out just how cool Jacory is under pressure.
• With 2:51 to go, Wake hits the luckiest punt ever, picking up roughly 15 yards on the bounce to pin the ‘Canes 82 yards away from the game winning touchdown.
• Collier makes a great play, but then a series of blunders (including another Hank drop) puts Miami in 4th and 16 to extend the game…and Aldarious Johnson makes an amazing catch in traffic to convert!
• (In hindsight, this is easily the play of the game. It reminded me of Kellen Winslow II’s catch on a Thursday night against West Virginia in 2003 that saved the game and for the moment the season. Eerily similar.)
• Bolstered by this, Jacory finds Benjamin for a big gainer and then on the next play for a touchdown. Great series for the young offense. Whipple put the ball in the hands of his best player and told him to go win the game, and Jacory obliged. Although now we have the problem of leaving too much time on the clock. Who’d have thunk it? (28-27 UM)
• Miami covers the kick well, gives up a couple of first downs and Wake crosses midfield. However, they run out of time and are forced to try a 60 yard field goal to win the game…
• Which they miss!!!! Miami wins it!!!!!!!!!!

The Day After

• I don’t need to go through all the mistakes that were made. In football, mistakes happen. Sometimes you can play well, which I though the defense did for the most part, and still get beat (witness the 6 or 7 amazing throws and catches Wake made against good coverage and big time pressure to prolong drives). Sometimes, the bounces just don’t go your way early, and you can either keep after it or fold. Against Virginia Tech, in similar conditions, the ‘Canes folded. Against Clemson, Miami kept after it but came up short. In the end, against Wake Forest, they kept after it and pulled out a win that they shouldn’t have. And I guess that is all that matters. Sometimes, this game transcends analysis and message board thread after message board thread about every terrible play made in the game. It wasn’t pretty, but at the end of the day it was a win, and wins all count the same, no matter how ugly they are. A win is a win, whether it's by an inch or a mile. (Did that sound like Jerry Springer’s final thought? Good.)

Other Games I Watched

• UNC vs. Vagina Tech: Screw you Virginia Tech. It is games like this that make me go 4-5 for the weekend in my picks section and drop me to 26-33 for the season. And let me just add that this has been a really weird season.
• USF vs. West Virginia: I pick USF two weeks in a row and they lose. I pick them to lose ONCE and they win. Screw you USF.
• Ole Miss vs. Auburn: Billy Stein moves to 0-2 in the guest picker role. Sorry man. On a brighter note, he did say the funniest thing of his life on Friday. Bill was trying to explain to a couple of female friends why he wanted to see Boondock Saints instead of Paranormal Activity with them. When he explained the movie, they said they still didn’t get it. His response: “You know Hannah Montana? Well, this is MANnah Montana.” One of the greatest things ever said and an immediate addition to my vernacular.
• Florida State vs. North Carolina State: At one point during this shootout, they called FSU for a personal foul and then cut to Boobah on the sideline, who had on a look that said something like “When did they invent this dadgum personal foul rule?” High comedy.
• Indiana vs. Iowa: Indiana folded so badly that they had to create a special category on the ESPN ticker that was called “Iowa Big Plays”. Indiana gave up roughly 24 plays of 80 yards or greater in the 4th Quarter. They forced 5 interceptions and lost the game. The Big Ten, boys and girls.
• South Carolina vs. Tennessee: Well, Tennessee crushed Darth Visor and looked terrible doing it in the black jerseys. Also, Montario Hardesty is a BEAST at running back.
• Oregon vs. USC: Nothing to say.

Best Game: Miami vs. Wake

Best Uniform: The Iowa Steelers.

Game Ball Goes To: LaMichael James. I'm pretty sure that's how it is properly spelled, but the kid plays for Oregon and he's a beast.

Worst Uniform: Miami (you got lucky Tennessee).

Trojan Enz © Boner of the Week Award: Georgia, for messing up the best helmet in the SEC by making it black and therefore costing themselves the Cocktail Party.

Non-BCS Name You Should Know: T.Y. Hilton, FIU. Stud slot receiver who will make noise in the NFL eventually.

Next Week’s Picks:

Since I will be in Miami for Homecoming Weekend and won’t have time for my preview, here are the picks for the week:

Virginia Tech over East Carolina

Georgia Tech over Wake Forest, who is now demoralized

South Carolina over Arkansas

Ohio State over Penn State

Alabama over LSU

UPSET SPECIAL: Navy over Notre Dame

Always guard the inbound passer.