Fight Night

Hello All,

Yesterday was the first time that my brother, father and I attended a Miami Hurricanes game together.

This is actually a much bigger deal than you would think, seeing as we were raised from a very young age to be ‘Canes fans by our parents and my brother is almost 21 years old now.

However, we always had problems making it to games while living in places like Wisconsin and Texas until my brother graduated from high school. My brother and I were always on fall sports teams, so traveling down to Miami wasn’t much of an option. We would have loved to go and watch the ‘Canes play if they were in the area, but surprisingly, the ‘Canes don’t make many trips to Wisconsin (although the baseball team did come to Minneapolis for a tournament once; maybe the greatest weekend ever, as my brother and I got to batboy for the team that a couple months later won the College World Series).

My dad and I were finally able to attend a game together when I was a junior, but again, my brother attending Ole Miss presented a problem to him being able to join us.

Anyway, we were finally able to get to a game together in Tampa on Saturday. Let’s just say it was definitely worth it.

PRE-GAME

- We get in the car at 8:45 AM (yes, 7 hours before kickoff) and don’t stop until we get to Steak ‘N’ Shake. At 10:30 AM. When we step in, the host asks us if we’d like breakfast menus. Billy Stein, after looking confused for a minute, as if he didn’t understand the question: “No… we want a meal.”

- We get a nice view of Tampa from I-275. Billy Stein: “Gainesville, you’re f%&*#’ out. Tampa, you’re f$*#&#’ in. SUPERSTAR.” (I begin to realize my brother has become a combination of Kenny Powers and Stiffler…)

- We park and pull out the football…because that’s what you do at a football tailgate. Except, apparently, in Tampa, where footballs are not allowed. At a FOOTBALL tailgate. In a grass lot. Excuse me? The girl working the lot told us this was because of liability concerns. I would like to meet the doucher that sues a stadium when their car gets bumped by a football at a tailgate. Occupational hazard? I think so! Anyway, we put the football away.

- …That is, we put it away until the fun police walked away, at which point every single group in our row took their footballs out and started throwing them around. It was like when the teacher leaves her 3rd Grade classroom during a test. The second that door closes, all hell breaks loose.

- Some dude working for the stadium (with one of the worst ear piercings I have ever seen) comes over and says if we don’t stop throwing the ball he will take it away. Since we weren’t standing near our car (meaning he had no idea which one we were in), and because this guy was so annoying, my brother and I completely ignore him and keep throwing. When he stepped toward my brother to try and get the ball, Billy threw it to me. When he came toward me and tried to take the ball, I threw it to Billy. And so began the best game of monkey in the middle we have ever played.

- Sidenote: He never got the football.

- The tailgate lot was actually a lot of fun. We met up with friends and were surprised by how many ‘Canes fans there were. Dad: “It seems like there are more UM fans here than at a home game.” Sad, but possibly true. Also, props to Chris, Trent, Steve and Russo for making a tailgate that literally consisted of sitting around and drinking beer in to a kickass time.

- Another downside to the tailgate: big time lack of port-o-johns. This resulted in 20 minute lines to use the bathroom. Luckily, we were near some woods. I simply stepped behind the trailer located next to the woods and…well, you know the rest. Maybe the funniest scene of the day was ten random dudes (USF fans, Miami fans, we were all friends here) lined up on a fence giving each other “bones” before/after taking a pee and constantly checking over our shoulders for cops. Would the cops have really done anything? I don’t think so. But then again, they tried to confiscate our football.

- During warm-ups for the game, my brother and I managed to make either immediate friends or enemies of everyone in our section, depending upon what colors they were wearing. Maybe it was when the Bulls were singing their alma mater and we started a “ ‘Canes over here” chant. Maybe it was the sheer volume. But no matter what you want to call it, it was certainly fun.

- Official verdict on the new uniforms: I like them. I don’t love them, and I wish we would go back to the old school uni’s from the late 90’s. However, aside from the dumb threading on the shoulders and the dual-colored pant stripes, these looked great. The white shoes were a great touch. Also, they made the team look bigger and faster. Which is always a good thing.

- Also of note during warm-ups: Chris Hayes was in uniform for the game, which was awesome to see. And I must say I was impressed that the coaches, anticipating pooch kicks, had Daryl Sharpton, Jimmy Graham and John Calhoun in the kickoff returners-line.

1st HALF
- Miami starts with two big first downs to Hank and LaRon Byrd. The long first drive ends with a touchdown to Hank. (7-0 UM)
- Billy Stein, pissed off after an Ole Miss loss in the Egg Bowl and excited about the touchdown: “Big 4 my brown hairy ass!” to the lady in front of us booing. She deserved it.
- Miami forces a 3&Out
- Miami then stalls a productive drive and is forced to punt
- Sharpton, all of a sudden playing like a man possessed, forces a fumble on B.J. Daniels. Or as the Stein boys took to calling him, Willie Beamen.
- Baby J is running hard, and picks up a first down and then the touchdown. (14-0)
- Billy Stein decides that his new favorite thing is throwing the upside down horns to any USF fans in our vicinity. The best part is that they have NO comeback. Surprisingly gratifying.
- USF kicks a field goal (14-3)
- Miami brings in the sledgehammer, Damien Berry. So far, they have followed the game plan. Pound away and set up playaction. USF’s pass rush is great, but the middle of their D is soft. This is exemplified as Berry picks up 17 big yards. Two first downs later (big plays to Mike James and Aldarious Johnson), Berry rips off a 16 yarder to set up a Baby J touchdown. (21-3)
- Billy Stein just glares at the USF fans down if front of us. Honestly, it was little scary…I had never seen that look in someone’s eyes before.
- Brandon Harris gets a pick, but the offense can’t capitalize and goes 3&out. On the next USF possession, Miami gets big plays by Andrew Smith and Sean Spence (back from injury) to kill a drive.

HALFTIME
- Miami is executing their game plan flawlessly. They are establishing the run and then using it to set up the pass. They have completely stopped the Bulls running back, and most of USF’s yards have come on broken plays in which Willie Beamen just runs around until something happens. Let’s just say I am feelin’ prettaaaaayyyyyyy good.
- Also, a sign that you are an irrelevant football program: during every possible break in the game you are running promotions. Free movie tickets. Free appetizers. Free EVERYTHING. At one point they offered free tickets to the game we were ALREADY AT. It was like a minor league baseball game. Simply ridiculous.

2nd HALF
- USF comes out with a big drive, as expected, to drive down inside the five. Brandon Harris almost had a pick six on the first pass of the half after he jumped an out route, but he let the ball glance off his fingertips. As if poetically, Daniels then leads his team down the field.
- Miami’s D toughens up and stops USF cold on the first 2 plays from the two yard line for no gain. However, on third down, Daniels scrambles for approximately 10 seconds, avoiding multiple tackles and then delivering a strike in to the back of the end zone. (21-10)
- …we have to get a score here…
- Miami goes 3&out. Uh-oh…
- And right about this time, a common theme for the half begins. I turn around when I hear a scuffle going on a few rows back. A female USF fan is yelling something at a male UM fan. He is telling her to leave him alone. Her male friend (also a UM fan…yep, there was a fight between UM fans at an away game) comes down to make things worse. The second guy has his hat knocked off, which leads to the logical response of throwing a haymaker. So now we have a fistfight between two UM fans in the section. Fighter #1 shakes off Fighter #2, only to start being kicked in the back by the female fan that started this mess (she has lost her balance and fallen in to the row behind him). Of course, she is a woman so she is not supposed to be hit. Surprisingly, Fighter #1 shows amazing restraint and does not hit her. And this is why families like the one to my left, who had brought their four little girls to the game (they were buddies with me and Bill by the end thanks to their UM facepaint), avoid football games.
- Billy Stein during the melee: “HIT HER IN THE FACE!!!!!!!”
- Miami and USF exchange three straight 3&out until Miami gets the ball and Berry rips off a big run. Which leads to a 34 yard touchdown pass from Jacory to Dedrick Epps. It looked to me like he was actually aiming for Benjamin, in which case the pass was five yards underthrown. And there were three USF players and two Miami players in the area. But the pass dropped right in to Epps’s chest, and you really can’t complain about touchdowns. (28-10 UM)
- Colin McCarthy kills the next USF drive with a 13 yard sack on Beamen…
- DING DING DING…fight number two. This time, a real mountain of a man in a blue shirt got pushed by some other guy. Well, big man put an end to that pretty quickly, burying about 10 right crosses in to the other guy’s face. And here’s the best part: security let him stay after questioning (I suppose it was self-defense, but REALLY?!?!?)…and kicked out the guy who was busted open! Talk about getting the shaft.
- Coop rips off a big run…
- FIGHT #3! This actually just turns in to a shoving match which spills down the aisle, but the security guards (who are now an occupying force in our section) throw everyone involved out on their ass. And who said the cheap seats weren’t any good? I got three undercards to go with the main attraction!
- Anyway, not much else happened. Lee Chambers and Berry ran well, Bosher added a field goal (31-10) and the defense held strong. ‘Canes win! ‘Canes win!

POST GAME
- I will have more in-depth analysis of the team in the coming weeks leading up to the bowl. However, over cigars after the game, the three of us talked about how we thought that 9-3 was the ceiling for this team before the season. And that ain’t bad.

OTHER GAMES I WATCHED

- Texas vs. Texas A&M: This was one hell of a game and one hell of a performance from Colt McCoy. However, I do not know if it was any better than C.J. Spiller against Miami or Toby Gerhart against Notre Dame. They don’t give me a Heisman vote, but still, my current Heisman ballot:
o 1. Spiller
o 2. Mccoy
o 3. Gerhart
o 4. Tebow
o 5. Clausen
- Rutgers vs. Louisville: Really Louisville? Really? It is so embarrassing to think that we lost to this team in the last five years…
- Cincinnati vs. Illinois: The only noteworthy nugget for this one? ‘Cincinnati’ is really hard to spell. And here’s somethin’ else: I think that both TCU and Cincy (and maybe Boise) could beat UF. Or’Bama. Or Texas. They both play some hard nosed defense and explosive offense. Just puttin’ that out there.
- Ohio vs. Temple: Temple is 9-3?!?!?!?!?!!??!!?!?!?!? When did this happen?
- Auburn vs. Alabama: I swear to God, it is impossible for a team I like to run an effective two minute offense.The ‘Canes? Nope. The ‘Phins? Nope. Anyone playing Florida and Alabama? Nope.
- West Virginia vs. Pitt: Annnnnnd the ‘Neers singlehandedly save my picks for the week. And maybe their coach’s job.

Best Game: Stanford vs. Notre Dame

Best Uniform: The ‘Canes. I like the white shoes…

Game Ball Goes To: Gerhart and McCoy. Duh. NOT Mark Ingram.

Worst Uniform: LSU, for messing up a great helmet. Breathe easy, Mizzou.

Trojan Enz © Boner of the Week Award: Stanford, for almost letting Golden Tate (the same guy that had destroyed them ALL GAME) beat them by playing soft coverage on the final drive of the game. Luckily, they managed to hang on. But still. Big time mess up.

Non-BCS Name You Should Know: Al Golden, Temple coach. They’re 9-3?!?!?!?!?!?!?!?!?!

Always guard the inbound passer.

Happy Thanksgiving

Hello All,

Well, I am about to pass out after a delicous sampling of broccoli, hash brown and green bean casseroles, turkey, stuffing, rolls, mushroom gravy, cranberry jelly and heart failure on one plate. Props to Mama Stein.

Therefore, this will be quick. Hopefully, when the Stein boys make their sojourn to Tampa for the game, they will not be forced to deal with obnoxious USF fans after a loss.

And to answer your question, yes, they are obnoxious. Kind of like Rutgers fans. Only they've accomplished even less. Also, I know this because I had to spend ten days in Israel with a literal busload of them. Sigh.

USF's D is pretty solid, rankig 23rd in the nation overall. However, their offense is meidocre, ranking 53rd nationally in scoring and 61st overall. They also are 99th in the country in sacks allowed. Maybe the strengths will ne negated by Miami's new uniforms...

BREAKDOWN

QB: B.J. Daniels leads the Bulls in both passing and rushing. He can escape the pocket, extend plays and attack the middle of the field, although he completes just over half of his passes. Jacory will be under pressure all day and will need the running game to support him. His job does not get easier with Jason Fox listed as doubtful. Still, in a pure passing comparison, Harris is better. EDGE: Even

RB: Damien Berry and Graig Cooper are running well. USF's quarterback is their leading rusher. EDGE: Miami

Receiver: USF has Jessie Hester, A.J. Love and big play guy Carlton Mitchell. Miami has their arsenal. Both teams will hit big plays. Miami has more talent by the numbers, giving them the slight edge. EDGE: Miami

Offensive Line: Jason Fox is doubtful. USF has two of the best defensive ends in college football. EDGE: USF

Defensive Line: George Selvie and Jason Pierre-Paul go up against a thin Miami line, and Miami has struggled to get pressure. The Bulls rank 35th in the nation is TFL and 36th in sacks per game. EDGE: USF

Linebacker: Daryl Sharpton and Colin Mccarthy have played well in recent weeks. Kion Wilson leads USF in tackles. EDGE: Even

Secondary: Miami's problem is schematic, not talent. USF does not have the same problem. EDGE: USF

Special Teams: USF ranks 82nd in net punting, 91st in punt returns and 101st in kick returns. Miami has been spotty at times, but they are much better than that. EDGE: Miami

Coaching: Well, Jim Leavitt is a nut job. But he gets the most out of his team. Miami's biggest problem is time management. In a close game, that could be huge. EDGE: USF

And there you have one of the most depressing breakdowns of the season. Maybe it's the turkey talking.

PICKS (Rivalries Edition)

Houston over Rice: Dozens of people celebrate in Houston. I do not think the riot police will have to be called up.

LSU over Arkansas

Texas over Texas A&M: Although, "Saw 'Em Off" and "Gig 'Em Aggies" are two of my favorite sayings in sports. The first of the "Big Three" ends in an anticlimactic non-upset. But wait for it.

West Virginia over Pitt: Mini-upset in the "Backyard Brawl"...coolest rivalry name in college football, followed closely by the "Civil War".

UNC over NC St.

Clemson over South Carolina: How does Spiller not win the Heisman in this mediocre season?

Ole Miss over Mississippi State: The "Magnolia Bowl" and the "Egg Bowl". Rebs, I love ya. Really, you're great. But you got rivalry nicknames like a dickhead.

Oklahoma over Oklahoma State: Bedlam! Funny, the 'Pokes actually think they have a shot. So cute.

Vagina Tech over Virginia: Bye bye Al. Thanks for the memories. Dick.

Utah over BYU: The "Holy War" is surprisingly not as good a nickname as you would think. It just doesn't do anything for me. Sad. Looks so good on paper.

Georgia Tech over Georgia: "Clean, Old Fashioned Hate". Now there's a nickname. And the one way Miami keeps looking better each week...GT winning and winning big.

UF over FSU: Still not the "Big Three" upset...

UPSET SPECIAL: Auburn over Alabama

Boom! I think 'Bama has been flirting with something like this, and then Sports Illustrated puts Mark Ingram on the cover. Done and done. Finally, in this underwhelming college football season mostly devoid of drama (except for every Miami game, seemingly), something shocking happens. Sadly, to the wrong team.

Happy holiday, hope to see you Saturday!

Always guard the inbound passer.

Home Field Advantage?

Hello All,

Once again, there will be no running diary.

I know what you are probably thinking: "What will I do without a running diary for the Duke game?!?!?!?!?!?!"

I know, I know, most of you out there have come to rely on this to help get you through the week. The groundswell of reader feedback has resonated on te highest levels, as my campaign for a Nobel is really starting to hit its stride.

However, today I want to address a topic I have talked about before, only in greater depth.

After the game the other day, a friend texted me and asked "how can we POSSIBLY struggle against Duke AT HOME?".

I thought about it for a second and then realized that this was the easiest question to answer about the entire season:

Miami has zero home field advantage.

Exhibit A: Joe Robbie was teeming with about 38,200 announced people on Saturday. Capacity? 75,540, according to the stadium's official website. Really? A 7-3 team full of young, talented players in their home finale featuring a star quarterback FROM MIAMI and they played the game in a half full stadium? Speechless.

Exhibit B: At various points, Jacory was booed throughout the game. The starting quarterback. For the home team. Was booed. The same guy that finsished the game with 300+ passing yards and two touchdowns was booed. Here's an interesting fact: Jacory won ACC Quarterback of the Week awards for his play. That is in fact the same Jacory that was booed. At home. Another interesting fact: he did all this with a thumb that might be broken. On his throwing hand.

Exhibit C: I went to school there for four years, meaning I sat in the student section for roughly 30 games in the past five seasons, meaning this would actually be more like Exhibits C-ZZZ. I have never, EVER, seen a group of people that goes quiet quicker or with more staying power than a Miami crowd. First of all, the players usually run through the smoke to relative silence, mostly because it takes the students (the key component to any college football crowd) until about halfway through the first quarter to stream in from the tailgate. Then, the crowd only cheers when asked to by the mascot, paying more attention to their drink than the game. And if the players struggle? Well, they might as well not bother playing the rest of the game, because when faced with adversity, Miami students by and large show tremendous ability to shut up or, worse, start booing. As one message boarder said rather eloquently: "I am glad our players don't have the same attitude as our fans, otherwise we would only have 3 wins this season."

First, two caveats.

Most of my observations are only about the student section, which is a limited sample. Miami's crowds are a bit different because there are so few students in the first place, but still, I think the student section makes a difference. Passion is contagious, and if the students were to stay passionate throughout the game, many others would feed off of it. Therefore, this sample works.

Second,the top 5% of Miami fans are as good as the top 5% of any college's fans. Period. They are intelligent, passionate and loyal. These are the types that know the program well. They know that this team was nothing for 40 years, rose to prominence only to fall again, rose back to the top and now finds itself working out of another valley. They know better than to boo a quarterback who has been arguably the most valuable player in all of college football (yeah, I said it) after a few bad throws in a noon game against a bad team. Or, to boo at all. This is not directed at the top 5%.

Glad we have that out of the way. Now, let's get to the heart of the issue.

1st, I have theorized for years that a lot of the problem is where the university draws its students from. There is a heavy Noertheastern influence. This in and of itself is not a bad thing, I really have nothing against New York and New Jersey (well, I do dislike New Jersey and most people from there, but who's counting?). However, college football is an afterthought. The closest thing to a big-time football team in the northeast is Rutgers or Boston College. Not exactly powerhouses. Good football up there means professional footbally, a wholly different animal. In the pros, people get paid. It is still not right to boo the home team there, but I understand it. Players make money and therefore should produce results. Expectations are a Super Bowl every season or bust. Any season not ending in a Super Bowl is an unmitigated failure. Period. that is all well and good, but that is not what college football is about. LSU fans may be obnoxious, but they at least understand the game. UF might be the Anti-Christ, but there is no denying that their fans bring it every game. If Tim Tebow plays poorly you can bet your ass they will not boo him. They understand that they wouldn't be anywhere without him, and they understand that their team might not win every game. Losing doesn't make them happy, but it also doesn't do anything to their passion. College football is ingrained in these people. It runs in their blood. So it is understandable that a student body made up of southeasterners is more inclined to embrace a struggling college team than a student body made up of Yankees. However, that doesn't mean Miami students get to act like assholes. It means they have extra work to do to figure it out and not let their douche-baggy nature lead them astray. Otherwise, I'd rather they stay home and watch replays of the Jets game from the week before and fondle themselves to the new Ed Hardy catalog.

Second, the booing issue is one that doesn't really need much explanation. You don't fucking boo your own team. You just don't. Think about how upset you'd be if the football team sat over your shoulder while you took a math test or compiled an Excel document at work...and then they booed when you messed up. You wouldn't respond well, would you? Remember when Vince Young went missing after being booed at home and people thought he might harm himself? That's how big an impact it can have. Vince Young, Mr. All World Profesional Quarterback, was so rattled the cops had to be sent to find him. If anything, you bite your lower lip, take a deep breath and then cheer LOUDER when your team is losing.

Third, you shouldn't have to rely on a mascot or a teleprompter to tell you when to make noise. I used to think that homefield advantage was a myth, and that the football took care of itself. I have argued for hours about this with my friend Ty. Hours. I still think that people make too big a deal of it when their team wins. But I have begun to reform my view. This season, I have begun to realize that there are certain areas of each game when teams need a boost. There is no such thing as a perfect game. Every team on Miami's schedule sees Miami as a huge game, no matter our record. There will be times in each of these battles when things are going against the 'Canes and the crowd can help swing things in the 'Canes favor. And yet, more and more as each campaign wears on, Miami crowds dissapear when needed. The crowd's decibel-level should not be dictated by the play on the field. It should be dictated by love of the university and love of the team. Fans should also know when they are supposed to be cheering, which brings us to our next point...

You should be watching the fucking game. Stop trying to hit on the girl next to you. Maybe 10 beers at the tailgate was enough and you don't need another one right now; maybe it can wait until halftime. Girls, I understand that not all of you are intense football fans. That doesn't give you an excuse to get sloppy-drunk and make a scene. It means you should just keep cheering, even if you're not sure why. And for the love of God, do not get mad at your boyfriend when he pays more attention to the game than you. It's his one time of the week when he is allowed to not have to deal with you. Embrace it. It could save the relationship! (I could actually write a book about how women should act at sporting events, including a requirement to wear a sundress of some kind, but I will stop here.)

Next, you should be getting in to the stadium on time. This doesn't mean at kickoff, it means at least 20 minutes before, so that you can be there for the pre-game intro that sets the mood for the game. Done and done. Imagine being a player and running out of the famed Miami smoke and emerging in to...nothing. Kind of a drain on your enthusiasm, no?

Another issue is that Miami fans are notorious bandwagon jumpers. At the beginning of the season, people rushed to join a group called "Jacory Harris for Heisman 2009". Well, I would be willing to bet a million dollars that a lot of those same people were the ones booing him on Saturday. Think the people who were chanting "Berry" on Saturday knew who he was at the beginning of the season. The majority probably didn't even care. And as soon as he has a bad game. I dread the crowd reaction...

I guess the final point is to give some Michael Scott advice:

Whenever you are going to do something, ask yourself whether an idiot would do that thing. If the answer is "yes", do not do that thing.

some examples might include:

"Would an idiot jeer an opposing player being carried off on a gurney?" Answer: Yes

"Would an idiot try to start a fight with the guy next to him over a comment like 'Hey bro, calm down.'" Answer: Yes

"Would an idiot shush someone during a FOOTBALL game?" Answer: Yes

The beautiful thing about this question is that it always works. Try it on anything. The result is stunning: you end up only doing the smart, classy thing.

Say what you want about other fans, but no one can say that LSU or UF or Penn State or Ole Miss doesn't have a homefield advantage. Their fans might be classless, racist, smarmy, stupid, redneck, crass, drunk or otherwise, but during a football game in their stadium that dissapears (for the most part) and they focus on trying to do whatever they can to help their team win. In the parking lot after? Maybe a different story. At halftime? Maybe a different story. But they are doing something right, and until Miami fans, particularly the student section, get more like them, no one should ever complain about Miami stuggling at home as opposed to on the road.

This was pretty much all I could think about after the WIN the other day. As if reading my mind, Russo sent me the following e-mail:

"Just in case you haven't written your post game blog yet I have some things for you to consider. That crowd on Saturday was bullshit. The vibe was terrible, no energy. It also reminded me yet again this season how "fair weather" most Miami fans are. The Berry chants were entertaining at first but all of the people chanting Berry over and over again were the same ones who either had no idea who Damien Berry was before this season or scoffed at the idea of him getting playing time. As soon as he has a bad game he will be dropped again. And you do NOTTTT boo your own quarterback no matter how many interceptions he throws!!! Especially when he has an injury on his throwing hand. I was appalled and you would have been too."

This, ladies and gentleman, from a girl that spent her formative years in Virginia and really only became a Miami fan four years ago. Four years in, and she already gets IT. Maybe I should've just copy-pasted this e-mail instead of writing all this. Really, it is as simple as that one paragraph. And yet, seemingly so difficult...

Always guard the inbound passer.

Senior Day

Hello All,

First, let me begin this post by saying I crushed last week’s picks. Destroyed them. If the picks were a town, I was a betrayed Keyser Soze…as Bill Simmons might say, I was 1986 Larry Bird and those picks were any other relevant team. I wiped that shit up like Leon from Curb Your Enthusiasm.

But that is really for later in the column. First, we have Senior Day to talk about.

This is a weird Senior Day for me…it is the first time that the senior class is comprised mostly of guys younger than me. It is also really the last class that ties this program to the Coker era…there will still be a few Coker recruits around next year, but for the most part they will be Shannon’s guys. So here we go, a player by player breakdown of the class that leaves. Thanks fellas, you might not have had the talent, but there is not a single guy on this list that didn’t have the heart.

Randy Phillips: Played five years and became the leader of the secondary. Was injury plagued but a playmaker when healthy. Sadly, will be most remembered for getting toasted by Oklahoma a few years back. The reality was that he was a safety forced to play corner…and he did a solid job up to that point. Also rocked some great facial hair and one of the least convincing grills I have ever seen.

Eric Moncur: Moncur is the most tragic of all these figures. He was a complete stud when healthy, and probably would have been a first round pick. Instead, he spent most of his career injured and watching as his friends got to play. Tragically, he also watched as his mother and best friend (Bryan Pata) were taken too early. Moncur will always hold a place in the heart of every fan. He is the type of guy who will probably be forgotten about in a few years by all but the most ardent ‘Canes, and the type I look forward to telling my son boring stories about someday: “Yeah, (insert name here) was great, but you should have seen Eric Moncur when he was healthy.” Also, at this point Moncur has been here long enough to have a doctorate, so he’s got that going for him, which is nice.

Jason Fox: Fox is a four year starter on the o-line, which is saying something. Fans didn’t always appreciate him enough, as his consistently solid protection of the blind side has gone overlooked because he was always a technique guy that never really overpowered anyone. He will probably prove to be more popular next year in his conspicuous absence. I actually had a moment like this during Homecoming Weekend. A girl who had once had a crush on me (I have no idea why) and I never really thought was that cute bumped in to me at Monty’s. And she was a babe. Is it because I live in Gainesville? I don’t know, but I have a feeling that the same scenario is in play here…

Javarris James: James, much like Phillips and Moncur, was productive when healthy but could not consistently stay on the field (a theme developing?). He will probably be most remembered as Edgerrin’s cousin, but I will always remember his huge game against Oklahoma this season. It was a perfect obra maestra for Baby J: he was workmanlike and came through when asked rushing for 150 yards in the ‘Canes biggest win in years…and didn’t score.

Dedrick Epps: My favorite of all the seniors, Epps was underutilized during his career but played like a bull in a China shop. Epps was a mismatch for defenses and made a miracle comeback from a knee injury to be ready to play for his senior season. He ran well after the catch and blocked better than people thought he would be able to. If not for Patrick Nix wasting his talents, Epps might already be playing in the pros.

Daryl Sharpton: Sharpton will always be remembered for the massive Broner (yes, Broner) he gave Larry Coker. Coker once compared Sharpton to Jon Vilma. Listen, Sharpton is a solid linebacker against the run. He can hit. That’s about it though. Wasn’t good in coverage, didn’t move particularly well laterally. Does that sound a lot like the former All American, first round pick, NFL Rookie of the Year and Multi-Time Pro Bowler? I think not. Of course, fans took the Vilma thing and ran with it…and have now been disappointed for three years that Sharpton is not all-world. Thanks Larry, brilliant stuff.

Sam Shields: Shields was a stud wideout as a freshman, a head case as a sophomore, plain awful as a junior and the perfect example of a ‘Cane as a senior. He moved over to corner to fill a team need, kept his head down and worked hard, and ended up becoming a starter and doing an admirable job. He will probably be most remembered for his long catch against Nevada as a freshman or as a great “What-If?”…as in: “What if Sam Shields had been able to catch the ball and actually use his 4.2 speed in the forty?” or “What if the coaching staff had redshirted Shields and given him a year to develop as a corner?” or “Wait, Sam Shields ran a 4.2 forty? Who timed that, Mrs. Shields?”. Ok, that last one wasn't a what-if, but a legitimate question regardless.

Chavez Grant: Another guy that peaked against Nevada, “Chevvy” was a solid special teams performer and slot cornerback who was asked to do too much and was exposed as a result. Grant was always a heady player and good leader, but that was about it. It’s a shame that we needed him to be so much more, because on a good team a guy like Chevvy is much more valuable than on a bad one. The question that people will always ask is “How the hell did this guy get the nickname Chevvy?”

Joe Joseph: This is a guy that really made himself in to a player, and he had some big moments during his last season. He probably won’t play in the NFL, and was probably better as a role player than as a mainstay in the rotation. Like Grant, he would be more valuable on a good team, but this is a guy that went way overlooked and deserved better. In fact, everyone on this list did. DAMN YOU COKER!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!

A.J. Trump: Well, Trump would have been better if he was healthy early in his career…I promise, this is not just a copy-paste thing. That’s about as much as there is to say, really.

Matt Pipho: Pipho is really…uhhhh…smart, I guess. You have to give him credit for earning a starting spot with his limited abilities, but the intangibles were definitely more valuable than the tangibles here. However, like many others, I will always argue that you need a few kids like Pipho on your team…just preferably not starting.

Tervarris Johnson: Johnson is one of the unsung heroes of this year’s team. He came in as a highly recruited, highly rated safety who seemed like he was better suited at linebacker but was lined up at corner (if that makes sense, which it shouldn’t). Thus, three years of his career were spent covering kicks. However, in a new offense with new motivation, Johnson became a key contributor at H-Back and has made some big plays this season, but more importantly has stepped up in to a blocking role created by a dearth of tight ends and the injury to Pat Hill. Johnson is a player I had written off and am glad to say has proven me wrong.

Jimmy Graham: What can I say that hasn’t been said already. He was my favorite basketball player and has become one of my favorite football players. I will stop this before I start gushing, but the thought of developing him for two more years and then unleashing him is SCARY. Sadly, it won’t happen, at least not for this program. Think we can get Dwayne Collins to play tight end next season?

Chris Hayes, Matt Perelli, Jake Byrne and Alex Uribe: The walk-ons who all played a role for this team at some point. Hayes was a buddy of mine and is a touching story, as told by ESPN. I will never forget sitting at a keg and getting faced with him one night while we toasted our professor (don't ask me why). Perelli dates (or at least used to date) one of the top five babes in UM history even though he has a beer gut. That makes him a legend to me. He also was the guy that FIU threw on the ground to instigate the infamous brawl. I will always remember watching Byrne dominate everyone during Sportsfest football before being awarded a spot on the team. And Uribe had a beautiful faux-Mullet.

Again, thanks guys, and good luck. Once a ‘Cane, always a ‘Cane.

DUKE BREAKDOWN

Duke is a team that has overachieved and will play a tough game. Thaddeus Lewis is a great (not good, great) quarterback and will make some things happen, but all in all Miami should have too much talent. Should. And yet, I still worry…

Quarterback: Lewis is a game manager who can make things happen with his feet and his arm. Jacory is going through what Kirk Herbstreit accurately described as growing pains. On their best days, Jacory is better. Right now, I think Lewis has the edge. EDGE: Duke

Running Backs: Duke averages 2.1 yards per carry, dead last in the nation. EDGE: Miami

Receivers: Miami has strength in numbers, while Duke’s Conner Vernon and Donovan Varner are two weapons in a passing offense that ranks 9th overall in the nation. Miami has more talent but Duke coach David Cutcliffe maximizes his two best weapons. EDGE: Even

Offensive Line: Miami is giving up 3 sacks a game, but as mentioned, Duke cannot run the ball. They also are ranked 99th in the nation in sacks allowed per game. EDGE: Miami

Defensive Line: Miami has struggled to rush the passer but is more talented. Duke is lead by Vince Oghobaase, a star on the interior. Still, I cannot help but think that Miami’s line will play better than it has lately against a weaker team at home on Senior Day. Call it a hunch. EDGE: Miami

Linebackers: Honestly, I am just going on talent on this one, because the way Miami’s scheme has worked this year, the linebackers impact is minimized by how far back they line up. Call me a homer if you want.Duke has a linebacker whose last name is Rey. He leads their team in tackles. His first name is Vince. I am pretty sure they named the show "V" after this team. EDGE: Miami

Secondary: Miami’s has been better than their reputation, and Duke has a star in Leon Wright. EDGE: Even

Special Teams: Duke is 76th in kickoff returns, 85th in punt returns and 108th in net punting. Not good. EDGE: Miami

Coaching: Cutcliffe is very savvy, and Miami’s staff has some issues to resolve. EDGE: Duke

GUEST PICKER
Ladies and gentlemen, the always witty, always quirky, sometimes overly intelligent John Scarpa!:

"There are some classic match-ups to watch for this Saturday in college football. Firstly, No.10 Ohio State travels to The Big House to take on Michigan. It could be another game in the growing line of annual beatdowns handed down by the Buckeyes to the Wolverines, or it could turn out to be another huge Big 10 upset. Personally, I think the Buckeyes are a wee bit overrated at No.10. (I’d have them closer to No.20.) After all, they are the same team that got taken down by the Boilermakers last month. I’m certainly looking for the upset, since last time I checked they’ve still got one of our trophies in their tainted case. Yes, I’m still bitter. Another big match-up is Cal at Stanford. There’s some history there. Just ask John Elway if he remembers how his 1982 season ended. (Disclaimer: I will not be held responsible if John Elway punches you in the mouth.) Stanford’s looking good after their 55-21 dismantling of USC last week and Cal is trying to keep themselves in the top 25, so all in all this one promises to be a real barnburner as well. But the real match-up to watch this week is Florida International traveling up to The Swamp to take on the No.1 Gators. (I use the term “watch” loosely, since there probably isn’t going to be any TV coverage of the game.)

So, what do I know that the TV people don’t? Last week I sent FIU head coach, Mario Cristobal, a letter containing the “Keys to the Game” for FIU’s success. I really should try to keep them secret, but since discretion seems to be lost on my entire generation I’ll just go ahead and tell them anyway.

Here they are…
1) Hire ninja assassin’s to secretly eliminate all of Florida’s backup quarterbacks. This will be expensive, but it’s absolutely necessary. (You’d figure that ninja assassin’s would lower their prices in these tough economic times, but surprisingly they’re still as greedy as ever.)

2) Purchase protective visors for the entire offense. Remember, if any of these “star players” are blinded by an unnamed thug there will be no way for FIU to win the game. (Also, there will be no real penalty for the thug. Apparently, Urban Meyer spends more time on his knees than Jason Varitek.)

3) Let the Gators score a touchdown. So easy, the Golden Panthers could do it.

4) With no quarterbacks left to hold the PAT attempt, Urban Meyer will send out Tim Teblow (sic) to do the honors. Then, just after the kick and with no warning at all, FIU’s entire team must attack the defenseless, kneeling Tim Tebow. (A play they’ve been practicing and perfecting since 2006.) During the inevitable ensuing brouhaha Tim Tebow must be injured! In my opinion, the weapon of choice should be a crutch, and preferably one made of kryptonite. With no Tim Tebow (or backup quarterbacks either, for that matter) the Gators offense will be crippled.

5) At this time, all FIU players must inject themselves with Super-Soldier Serum from the Captain America comic book series. It is important that they wait until this point so that people will think their superhuman speed, strength, etc. can be attributed to adrenaline rushes brought on by the recent excitement.

6) Play football.

7) And the last and most difficult key of them all… Endure listening to Tim Tebow make another “promise” speech after the devastating loss. It sickens me.

Foolproof! If Mario Cristobal is wise enough to take my advice, this will be the upset of the century. If he doesn’t take my advice, things will end much differently. The Gators will probably put such a harsh beatdown on the Golden Panthers that it might knock them back to 1-AA where they belong. The Gators will probably put up around 60 points en route to their 21st consecutive victory. The Gators, the Gators, the Gators. We live in dark times… Dark times, indeed. Where have you gone, Ken Dorsey?"

MY PICKS

Let me reiterate that I wiped that shit up last week. I was 9-1. I am 14-2 in the last two weeks. I am now 41-35 on the season. Yes, I had to go 14-2 just to get to 6 games over .500. But still, I wouldn’t pick against me right now. I am like Nick Naylor. On crack.

Ohio State over Michigan: The thought of this game is what puts me to sleep when I lay awake in bed.

Arizona over Oregon: Why the hell not?

Oklahoma State over Colorado: Because Colorado sucks.

Mississippi over LSU: Because Dexter McCluster is C.J. Spiller Light. Because the game is in Oxford. Because LSU is overrated. Yes, The Magnolia Bowl is a terrible name for a football game. Any other questions?

Cal over Stanford: This just eeks of a come-down game for Stanford. Like when your buddy manages to pull a girl waaaaaayyyyyyy out of his league one night and then follows it up by bringing home her DUF the next night. You know who I’m talking about.

FSU over Maryland

Clemson over Virginia

UPSET SPECIAL: Yale over Harvard

My friend Anita who attends Yale Law School (she is what some people call a “genius") tells me the Harvard kids have t-shirts for the game that say something along the lines of “Bush Went to Yale”. Clever. I think that the Yalies should respond with something like “Ted Kennedy Killed His Secretary”. That would hurt on two levels. She also tells me that Yale is going to get slaughtered. Well, let’s just say that I am more of a Bush guy myself. Yalies by a field goal!

Always guard the inbound passer.

The Turd in the Punch Bowl

Hello All,

I am breaking my pattern and posting this a couple hours after Miami lost. I am not going to do a running blog. I am not going to try and be witty. I am just going to write down once exactly how I feel after this Miami loss. Maybe it is because I want to be able to look back at it tomorrow and remember exactly how much I hate losing. Regardless, here it is.

Right now, I literally feel ill. I haven't eaten anything for about 7 hours and have no appetite. I took this loos probably a little too personally.

The best example is that a couple of my good friends called me after the loss. One wanted to talk about the coaching, one wanted to know when we were going to stop being a middle of the pack ACC team. They didn't call to say "I told you so", but they might as well have for the tongue lashing I gave them.

Were they mad about it? No. Do I feel bad for doing it? Not a bit.

Why? Because they know me, just like I know me, and the consensus is that I am a member of that lunatic fringe of fans that takes their team too seriosly. It might be a character flaw, but it is what it is.

Anyway, I am not going to write a play by play analysis of this game because it is unnecesarry. It was a bad game wherein the team looked flat and failed to come through a few times when it mattered most.

Everyone will be upset now, and maybe with some merit. It is the 6th year of ACC play for this team, and for the 6th time we will not play for a conference championship. Further, we look to be in trouble of our umpteenth straight late season slide. At no point during the game today did the team ever grab the tiger by the balls and use the momentum that was building.

I think back to the beginning of the season when my brother asked me what I thought about the coming season. I said that 8-4 would be about right to expect with our schedule, with anything better as gravy. I also said that we would play better early in the season than people thought and would lose a couple of games during the season that we shouldn't. The reason? As much as it sucks to say, this is a YOUNG football team. There are sophomores in every key spot. Look at how Florida, the current best program in the nation, played in 2007, when they transitioned from Ron Zook's guys to Urban Meyer's guys. 9-4. They also were loaded with talent everywhere because the Zooker had left them loaded. They had a coach who had just won a title and had been a head coach for years previously. Miami is in the middle of essentially starting over again.

Randy Shannon has a lot of shortcomings, but so does any great coach, Meyer included. He is the right guy for the program, and I am firmly in the Shannon apologist camp. The problem I have is that people are quickly forgetting that this team was TERRIBLE two years ago. The cupboard might not have been bare, but it was damn close. To put it in perspective, the roster was in worse shape then than when the NCAA tried to kill our program by taking away half of our scholarships during the Mid-90's...that's how bad Larry Coker was for our program.

SIDENOTE: Is there any greater example of how much better this regime is than the use of guys like Tervarris Johnson, who was a complete non-entity under Coker and is now a useful piece in the offense?

i guess my problem is that I shouldn't be as upset about this as I am, on a number of levels. But that doesn't change that I am this upset. When the game was over and my dad yelled something about how bad this game was, I agreed with him and yet still defended this team like it was my puppy. AND HE IS A HUGE FAN!

I am not really sure what exactly the point of all this is except that I guess I needed to vent, maybe to rationalize a little bit, maybe just to get it out somehow. And to answer my own question, I think it is a good thing that I am this upset. Sure, I knew this team was going to lose a couple of these games this year. But I guess my expectations are raised regardless.

The losses are not unacceptable at this point, but they still hurt like I am pissing Neon gas, and they still fester for days after. In other words, I know this loss isn't the end of the world, and that next week Miami will come out angry on Senior Day against Duke, and then come out big in what should be a night game against USF.
But it still hurts. I guess that's why I never really wanted to become a professional reporter. I love covering sports and writing about it, but I hate desensitizing myself to them. It is boring and monotonous and it makes sports seem like homework. The beautiful thing about sports is that I can cry with joy when my team wins and cry with grief when they lose. They arouse an emotion in me that almost nothing else does. I like being able to write about how I feel. It sucks when I am on the wrong end of it, but it is worth it when things go well.

I put up with it when I feel a team is worth it. For instance, I have become almost immune to the Orioles failing because I don't believe they have any hope. I still root for them and follow them throughout the season, but the losses just don't take a toll on me anymore. On the other hand, the 'Canes aren't there yet. They are still worth the investment. They are on the right track, and I will continue to rise and fall with their successes and failures. And so, I put up with the failures, even when it feels like I am going to throw up after. Because the juice is worth the squeeze.

I Am 10,000 Feet Above Chapel Hill...

Hello All,

Really, this week’s game does not need much of a lead-in…but here it goes anyway!

Miami finds itself in a familiar spot. Last season, Miami was 7-3 after losing a couple of close ones and a not-so-close one early. They needed 2 wins to go to the ACC Title Game. They promptly lost both of the games and ended up playing in the Emerald Bowl, which carries so little significance that I literally just had to look up the name of the game because I had forgotten it. And this is coming from the guy who remembers that Kyle Cobia was an 82 for speed on NCAA College Football 2003.

Anyway, Miami heads in to this one 7-2, needing to win out to make a respectable bowl game (I am PRAYING for a Miami vs. Notre Dame Gator Bowl matchup…long shot, but I can dream, no?) and set themselves up well for next season. And let’s be real…who the hell knows what to expect from Miami? Or North Carolina? Or any team in this freakin’ conference???

I always compare this point in a team’s season to the fantastic sequence in Almost Famous (one of the top ten movies of all time, by the way) when Stillwater’s plane is about to crash.

Everyone on the plane decides to blurt out their deepest, darkest secret…they only have a few minutes left to live, so why the hell not? It is messy at best. By the way, put this blog down and go watch the freakin’ movie if you haven’t seen it. Seriously.

The manager hit a guy with his car.

The drummer is gay.

And the real bombshell…the lead singer banged the guitarist/superstar’s wife back in the day.

And then, the plane rights itself and everyone lives. The look on everyone’s face is priceless. Everything is in the open, and now they have to live with it. They have to adjust.

Miami had their “Oh Shit, We’re About to Die” moment when they lost a game they should’ve won against Clemson (taking them out of both conference title and BCS pictures) and then trailed by two scores late against Wake Forest.

Everyone just prepared for a second straight loss and pretty much had moved on. But then, Miami won. The plane righted itself.

So now, the question is what happens next? That’s one of the best parts of the movie, but also the point where the movie analogy completely stops working…it is left up to the viewer to decide what happens to the characters. Personally, I think that Stillwater bounces back with a strong second album, called something like “Death by Airplane”. They become huge stars and the rest is history. Kind of like Nirvana. However, there is also the possibility that Russell Hammond leaves the band after the post-Cover of Rolling Stone honeymoon ends and he realizes his wife banged his lead singer; Hammond becomes a later version of Eric Clapton…supremely talented, cannot stay with one band to save his life.

So there are the options. Last week against Virginia, the ‘Canes looked like the win against Wake combined with the shorter practices combined with Randy Shannon going Michael Corleone on a team that had pissed him off one time too many had them playing the type of football elite teams play late in the season.

So have they taken that next step to become an elite team, or are we merely right back to where we were last season? Virginia is tough to guage a team by, especially because they are not very good. North Carolina, on the other hand, is playing well as of late and has a MENACING front seven (more on this in a bit). And here’s where it gets confusing…Virginia whooped UNC!

To say that Miami owes Butch Davis a beating is an understatement. I still remember that Butch bailed on the ‘Canes 2 WEEKS before National Signing Day in 2001. 2 FUCKING WEEKS!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!! After he said he was coming back. Well, needless to say, I do not hold him very highly. In fact, I’m not a big Butch fan. I was 13 at the time and knew he had done something completely wrong.

Davis also indirectly triggered the collapse of the Miami program; Ken Dorsey, Ed Reed and Joaquin Gonzalez marched in to Paul Dee’s office the next day and demanded that Dee hire Coker, then the offensive coordinator, instead of making the offer to Dave Wanndstedt. I do not know which is worse…that we ended up with Coker or that the other option was Wanndstedt. Sure, we won the title and actually went back-to-back…but I could’ve coached that damn team and won a title. As we all know, the long term effects of this hire would be felt, and I cannot help but think that things would have played out differently had Butch not left us dangling in the wind like he did.

Wow, what was I talking about? Oh, right, UNC. Their front seven is crazy good. Look at some numbers: they rank 3rd in the nation with 61 tackles for loss, 5th in Pass D, 8th in Run D and 5th in Total D. Gulp.

Now, it is also prescient to keep in mind that Miami beat Oklahoma and should’ve beat Clemson, both of whom came in with vaunted front sevens. However, this game is at 3:30 (a bad timeslot for the ‘Canes this season) and on the road. And Butch has owned the ‘Canes since returning to UNC. This just reeks of a setup. I guess this is why they don’t play the games on paper, however. And I guess we will see if Miami is a flameout or a team with some staying power.

BREAKDOWN:

Quarterback: T.J. Yates has been a game manager that has struggled with interceptions. He played poorly against Duke, well against Virginia Tech and poorly against FSU his last three times out. Poorly against Duke? Allen Bailey is licking his chops…Doc Walker would say something like “Allen Bailey is a straight up BAWLA…a CYBORG, ladies and gentleman…T.J., you on ya own SOULJA, ‘cus the TERMINATA sees you and he is LOCKED IN…HOLLA BACK!” Meanwhile, Jacory is Jacory. He will throw a bad interception or two, will make a “Holy Shit, did he just do that?” play or two, and somewhere in the middle throw for a couple scores and manage the offense. EDGE: Miami

Running Back: UNC lost leading rusher Shaun Draughn for the season, but last week Ryan Houston carried 37 times for 140+ yards. Here’s hoping he is tired. Miami’s stable looked deep last week, and if Javarris James is healthy to boot, then Miami should be able to establish some semblance of a running game to set up the playaction. Remember, it was James that went off against Oklahoma’s front seven. EDGE: Even

Receiver: This is Carolina’s team weakness after losing Hakeem Nicks and Brandon Tate. Greg Little has been solid and nothing more (although he is a matchup problem), while big play guys Erik Highsmith and Jehranie Boyd haven’t gotten the ball much. Meanwhile, Miami’s Leonard Hankerson is having a big year, and it seems like every week someone new is his leading sidekick. EDGE: Miami

Offensive Line: Both offensive lines have been solid, although I think Miami’s is going to have their hands more full. I can’t call it either way, to be honest. EDGE: Even

Defensive Live: Well, UNC has probably one of the top 4 or 5 lines in the nation. Robert Quinn is an All- American at end, and Marvin Austin is a WEREWOLF at tackle. Oh, and Quinton Coples has 6 sacks. Just putting that out there. Meanwhile, Miami’s line has not consistently gotten to the passer…EDGE: Carolina

Linebackers: Which puts their linebackers in a hole trying to cover way too much ground for too long a time instead of roaming free and hunting the ball…EDGE: Carolina

Secondary: Which leaves their corners either isolated on go-routes against bigger receivers for too long or behind the play after the receiver runs a route in to the middle, where they know linebackers can’t cover them. EDGE: Carolina

(Of course, all this is moot if the defensive line is getting pressure like they were last week OR if Carolina does the “we’ll just run all game and try to wear them out” thing, which hasn’t worked well except for when Virginia Tech did it, which was a disaster.)

Special Teams: The great equalizer in a close game. A part of me is happy that UVa got those two blocks. Now, Coach Pannuzzio has gotten his ass handed to him by Shannon and there will be greater emphasis on this unit this week, which is good because UNC excels in Special Teams. In addition to Bruce Carter blocking kicks, watch out for D’Anoris Searcy in the return game. And hope that Miami gives Bosher enough time to punt, covers his kickoffs well and Thearon Collier or someone can break off a big return. EDGE: Carolina

GUEST PICKER

This week, Francis is back by popular demand to pick the ESPN “Game of the Week” between Notre Dame and Pitt.

"Hello there all of you out there in Stein-Blog-Nation-Land, Dan asked me to do the guest pick for this week. As usual I will oblige him.


Dan asked me to do the pick for the Notre Dame-Pitt matchup. After around just 3 minutes of research I realized that this was going to be difficult to do from a football stand point. This game is kind of like an Athletics-Royals game in the last week of August. It just doesn't matter. For instance, Notre Dame just flushed their season down the toilet by losing to Navy. Charlie Weis will most undoubtedly lose his job because of this, and rightfully so. Pitt on the other hand is playing non-conference in this game and their hopes of a BCS bowl lie in the Big East, and more than likely the December 5th matchup with Cincinnati.



Then it hit me.

ESPN's college football studio crew consists of a one Lou Holtz, and a Mark May. Lou, as you all know, once coached at Notre Dame and gave up 4th and 43. Mark May is a total asshole, who also went to Pittsburgh. One can only envision the tedious banter and fake trash talking between these two the whole day. Not that I would miss their insightful analysis, but fake banter and chummy attitudes make me want to drive up to Bristol and cut some brake lines (and for the record I would actually do this, but I'm broke and Connecticut is a good 1500 miles from my house).


So I flipped on the television and within 15 minutes of flipping to ESPN I heard that classically awful drum fill from the beginning of Saturday Night Football (which by the way was clearly created on a computer, and not an actual human marching band) and my worst fears were realized. Pitt-Notre Dame is the marquee matchup. Even the marketing taglines could see this game is about nothing. "Every team has a coach to play for" flew over b-roll Jimmy Clausen tape. Umm, no, that was last week against Navy, now your coach is the lamest duck in sports, thank you.


So I leave it to you Steininites, whom do you want to win? Lou Holtz or Mark May? If Lou Holtz wins then we get to hear him talk about the Notre Dame spirit, and then probably compare Mark May to apple farming, and then get side tracked about how he almost caught this raccoon this one time at Arkansas and how it saved their football season. If Mark May wins, we will most assuredly have to look at his stupid, gloating face as if Jesus was a Pitt alumnus (whooooo class of '78!). He will then probably talk about the non-football aspects of the victory, completely irrelevant things like how crappy Notre Dame's academics are, and how difficult MTH 083 was at Pitt. No one is a less gracious loser than Marky Mark.


In fact, it probably doesn't matter because after all that ESPN will be back at fellating Tim Tebow or some hilarious SEC matchup. Just remember, Go Gators, and if you're not first, you're last."

Well, I guess he isn't picking a winner. Really, it doesn't matter. Well done Francis, and please, no one cut their brake lines (wink wink).

MY PICKS: Last week I went 6-1. That’s right. I’m a BAAAAAD man. AND I predicted Navy to beat Notre Dame. Well, it is sad that a 6-1 spot only brings me to 32-34 (1-7)... but I can feel a storm brewing….

Rutgers over USF: Rutgers at home on Thursday night. This won’t come back to haunt me…

Cincy over WVU: I am convinced Cincy could plug Billy Stein in at quarterback and win.

Georgia Tech over Duke: Convincingly. They will not let this one get away.

Wisconsin over Michigan: Easy

Ole Miss over Tennessee: And, like Billy said, Greg Hardy got hurt. Also, I changed this pick after the Great Knoxville Heist of 2009.

Wake over Florida State: I think it is hilarious that people think that Bobby Bowden is suddenly lost on a football field. He has been acting that way in pressers for years, people. When he is in the game, he knows the score. He knows the situation. There are reasons to get rid of him, but the transcript from some press conference that DOESN’T involve Bowden going off on black people like Jimmy the Greek is not among those reasons.

Ohio State over Iowa: And Iowa makes its annual run to the Sun Bowl.

Cal over Arizona State

TCU over Utah

UPSET SPECIAL: Stanford over USC

I just have a feeling. And no, not the annoying kind like the Black Eyed Peas.

Always guard the inbound passer.

Al Groh Sleeps With the Fishes

Hello All,

This was a big weekend for Stein on the Sidelines, and you will see why as you read this.

But allow me to begin by saying I cannot stand Virginia. I have had dreams for roughly two years about smacking Virginia so hard that they had to fire their coach. Seriously. That exact scenario. Why am I dreaming about this? Well, good question. Anyway, there was no way we could have won this game by enough points. Miami could beat Virginia 220-0 (the actual score of a game between Georgia Tech and Cumberland College about 100 years ago…look it up) and I would still want more.

You see, I consider the Orange Bowl a major part of my development as a person. It was the site of some of the ‘Canes greatest triumphs and most devastating defeats, which by extension made it the sight of some of my greatest triumphs and most devastating defeats.

When Miami and Virginia played the final game there, I knew that we were a bad team. I wasn’t naïve. But still, I thought that the Old Girl had at least one more magic night in store for me, one more look back in time. I actually wrote an article about the game after I got back that night that won an award for best sports article of any college student at any college newspaper in Florida for the year 2007. Needless to say, I had a deep connection with that place.

Well, Virginia essentially shit on Her when she was on her death bed. They beat the ‘Canes 48-0 that night, which is bad enough, but they did it in almost mean-spirited fashion, running up the score on a bad team under a first year head coach. For this, I will never forgive them. And that is why I didn’t drink on game day this year. I had a feeling this was going to be a slaughter.

And I wanted to be aware of every single crushing inch. I wanted to see Virginia hurt. I wanted to see Al Groh run out of town, floated out on a fishing boat in to the middle of the lake and then shot in the back of the head (just wait, there will be at least one more Godfather II reference…PS, I mean this in a very non-literal sense, I would not ACTUALLY like to see him shot, maybe just pushed overboard, just to make this analogy work…as far as you know).

I made the trip to Miami just so I could watch it happen in person. Let’s just say that Randy did a pretty damn good job of appeasing me.

1st QTR

• As if to prove that, yes, he is the most badass man on the field at all times, Damien Berry, our new star running back, just ran down the field and destroyed the Cavalier return man on the opening kickoff. I love it.
• Jared Campbell makes two big plays back to back, nearly getting a Pick 6, and the ‘Canes force a punt. Yes, THAT Jared Campbell. Formerly known as the "Corpse Known as Jared Campbell", now known as a solid run-supporting safety on a good football team.
• Miami drives down the field but stalls out thanks to a penalty (WHAT?! Miami got called for a penalty? Get outta town!) and kicks a field goal. Solid start. (3-0 UM)
• Jacory throws a bad pick on Miami’s next possession, throwing it directly to Virginia’s best player. You know, I’m not even mad. I’ve come to terms with it. Once or twice a game, Jacory will still do something foolish. It’s just how it is. I love him at quarterback, for a lot of reasons. I guess this is the tradeoff for actually having a quarterback I like on AND off the field for once.
• Virginia kicks a field goal. (3-3)
• Miami then follows with a 3 and Out (Whipple seems to be trying to wear them down in the first quarter with the run)…and then the punt is blocked, giving Virginia a short field and eventually a touchdown. Deep breaths. (10-3 UVa)
• Jacory comes out and throws a deep ball to LaRon Byrd, and then on the next play hits Hank for a 35 yard touchdown. Annnnd this is why Hank is scary for defenses. He is 6’3”, 220 lbs (at least) and fast enough to make things happen after the catch. Figure the typical ACC corner is like 5’10”, 185 lbs. I don’t even have to say the rest. (10-10)
• …gasping for air…gasping for air…I will spare you the CAPS LOCK and exclamation points, but Thearon Collier just made the play of the year on a punt return. My dad and I just had a full out, genitals on genitals hug in the middle of a crowded stadium...and no one noticed. You know, just your every day “evade two tacklers on the far left sideline, retreat 11 yards as you cross the field, pick up three crushing blocks as you cut it up the right sideline and follow your armada in for a touchdown” number. I haven’t heard a stadium rock like that since Devin Hester against Duke in 2005 (Don't believe me?). The best part? Brandon Harris, his teammate and best friend for years, tackling him in the end zone during the celebration after Virginia couldn’t. Second best part? The blocking. Third best part? The play took 16 seconds. Fourth best? Doc Walker on the call, which is always a must listen. HOLLA BACK!!!!!!!!! (17-10 UM)

2nd QTR

• Now, Miami smells blood. The defense comes out guns blazin’, and Randy Shannon takes a brilliant timeout (as pointed out by Darrin Smith postgame) that forces UVa to punt in to the massive wind with :02 seconds left in the quarter instead of into the wind after the TV timeout. The result? A shanked punt and great field positions, which sets up a big play to Travis Benjamin and a touchdown pass to Jimmy Graham on a play that me, my dad, my buddy Chris and pretty much everyone but Al Groh predicted. (24-10 UM)
• SIDENOTE: I get the whole “timeouts at the end of the halves” thing. But really, it only applies when it hurts you. Randy is not great with time management, which I recognize. However, just because a timeout is called outside of the final five minutes of a half does not make it a bad timeout. They are there to be used, and I would rather use them to make sure everyone is on the same page before a big third down or to get the formation right early than save them for when they MIGHT be needed. I cannot think of many times this season when we have needed a timeout and not been able to call one (minus the Clemson game, you probably can’t either). Also, thanks to this timeout (which turned out to be genius), I got to listen to the mulleted, drunk, sleeveless, sunburned loudmouth (wait, is this Gainesville?) 3 rows back bitch at the top of his lungs about how we suck. Again. It kills me how I didn’t hear him cheer once when something good happened (like, say, a 35 yard touchdown reception or ridiculous punt return) but every time a mistake was made (how dare we not be PERFECT?!) he couldn’t wait to jump on it. Love it.
• On Miami’s next drive, Coop rips off a pretty 15 yard run to set the ‘Canes up well, but they cannot convert 4th down (a call I loved, by the way).
• Before halftime, Steven Wesley makes a big sack (the d-line is getting a lot of pressure, which is amazing, considering the ENITRE defense hinges on pressure from the front 4). However, Miami is forced to punt on their next drive, which is blocked and returned for a touchdown. Well, so much for all that momentum. Is there a more crushing play than a blocked punt score? Is there? I cannot think of one. The entire point of punting is to surrender a chance to score in order to gain field positions. YOU ARE SURRENDERING. And Miami can’t even do that right? This is a trigger for gray hair I think. (24-17 UM)

Second Half

• After a prolonged opening drive, Berry walks in to the end zone. (31-17 UM)
• Miami quickly gets the ball back, and Berry rips off a 15 yard run.
• Lee Chambers has a big series, leading to the biggest play of the half…
• Jacory is sacked and Virginia’s player tries to rip his head off. On the ground, the ball comes out, and in trying to grab it, the Virginia player (who outweighs Jacory by about 100 pounds) hits Jacory in the face. This looks worse than it probably was. However, Jacory didn’t like it (who would?) and started pushing the guy after the play. Well, Orlando Franklin and Jason Fox see that their quarterback is about to make a bad decision and take it upon themselves to break it up/make sure the ‘Hoos think twice before ever going near their quarterback again. The ensuing pushing and shoving looks for a split second like the FIU brawl all over again before everyone is broken up. The refs then take five full minutes to call the facemask personal foul on UVa, in the process turning an entire stadium against them and waking everyone up from the 3rd quarter alcohol lull. Jacory is mad because he got hit in the face, Randy is mad at the refs, and the rest of the team is mad because Jacory and Randy are mad. Think this isn’t important? Well, before this, Randy was putting the team in to “sit on the lead” mode. After? He responded like Michael Corleone when Diane Keaton tells him about her abortion. Cold. Calculated. Merciless.
• I don’t remember when the fourth quarter started, but the rest of the game was nothing short of a bloodbath.
• Berry scores another TD. (38-17 UM)
• Cooper rips off a 70 yard run, Epps smashes his way to the 4 after catching a pass in the flat, and Coop cashes it in. (45-17 UM)
• Marcus Robinson gets a sack, which brings up this great stat: UVa up to that point was 0-10 on 3rd Down.
• Micanor Regis gets his team leading first interception (yes, he DOES play defensive tackle) as Andrew Smith, Olivier Vernon and Jeremy Lewis play a little game of “meet me at the quarterback”.
• Miami caps it all off by THROWING for a touchdown to Kendall Thompkins. (52-17 UM) YES! YES! A thousand times yes!

Postgame

• I don’t even have to say it. This was an epic beat down that really should have been more like 66-3. And you know what, my only regret is that it wasn’t. I hope Randy said something to Al after the game like “Hey, feel free to apply for my open Special Teams Coordinator position” or “I know it was you Alfred…” or “Go Fuck Yourself” after the game. Also, this is why we love Jacory: "They think just because I'm skinny I won't retaliate,'' Harris said after the game. ``I just told [the offensive line], I'm glad you got my back, didn't leave me out there alone. Sometimes, you're just doing everything for show. But what you really want is for somebody to come grab you and hold you back.'' Hey, at least he's honest.

Other Games I Watched

• Wake Forest vs. Georgia Tech: And just when you think Wake couldn’t be any more annoying, they anally rape us by choking away this game.
• LSU vs. Alabama: Whatever.
• Navy vs. Notre Dame: YEEEEEEESSSSSSSSSSSSSSSSSSSSSSSSSSSSSSSSSSSSSSSSSSSSSSSSSSSSSSSSSSSSSSSSSSSSSSSSSSSSSSSSSSSSSSSSSSSSSSSSSSSSSSSSSSSSSSSSSSSSSSSSSSSSSSSSSSSSSSSSSSSSSSSSSSSSSSSSSSSSSSSSSSSSSSSSSSSSSSSSSS!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!
• Didn’t actually watch the Cal game, but here’s to a speedy recovery for Jahvid Best, one of the most electrifying players I have ever seen.
• FSU vs. Clemson: Same to Ponder

Best Game: Miami vs. Virginia. Nothing is better than that.

Best Uniform: UCLA (our first two time winner!)

Game Ball Goes To: C.J. Spiller

Worst Uniform: Arizona State

Trojan Enz © Boner of the Week Award: Wake Forest, for wasting a Turnover on Downs with a minute left when they only needed to go about 30 yards for the game winning field goal. Unbelievable.

Non-BCS Name You Should Know: The entire Navy roster, my new second favorite team. The streak is over! Free at last, free at last! Lord have mercy, I'm free at last!

Always guard the inbound passer.

An Inch or a Mile,A Win is a Win

Hello All,

Yes, I just quoted Vin Diesel in my title. You know why? Because I could.

Another good reason to quote Vin Diesel? Thanks to this Hurricane team, I am aging about as well as Vin...for anyone that saw his last movie, you know exactly how terrible a thing that is.

PRE GAME:

• Thank God, Lee Corso picked Wake in the upset. We have enough working against us with a 3:30 start time on the road in chilly rainy conditions (sound familiar?). We do not need another unanimous vote of confidence from the guys on Gameday. Also, props to ESPN for running an excellent piece on Chris Hayes, a guy I had classes with and one of the nicest kids at the university.
• This is the combination that we are greeted by when ABC cuts over from the Raycom coverage of FSU vs. NCSU to the Miami game: green pants, clouds, rain and Brian Griese. FUCK.

1st QTR


• Miami opens up with a ten yard end around to Travis Benjamin. I love the play call, and the message it sends: if you can’t beat our speed, you are going to lose the game.
• As if to spite me, the ‘Canes then go three and out. Sometimes, I just want to punch myself. Oh, and just to make things interesting, Wake Forest almost blocks the punt. Miami’s upback, John Calhoun, failed to notice the guy dressed in black from head to toe come flying around the corner. Who would’ve thought that Wake might actually send a guy around the edge to try and block a punt, right?
• Early on Wake’s opening drive, Sam Shields gets called for a personal foul, in the least surprising turn in history. Also, the broadcast production unit seems to think that the TV audience wouldn’t want to actually see the foul. Actually, maybe a good idea, because as it is I was on the verge of hysterics with my old buddy Shields, who I have been writing bad things about for 3 seasons, mostly when he does something like commit a personal foul in a close game or drop 75% of the balls thrown his way. Not that I am bitter.
• Wake Forest hits a big play across midfield to their stud receiver, and a couple plays later has moved the ball to the 5 yard line. However, Miami stiffens up and forces a field goal. (3-0 WF)
• Damien Berry gets his first two carries and turns them into a first down after breaking something like 27 tackles. Jacory hits Aldarious Johnson on a pretty playaction pass, but the drive dies and Miami punts again.
• This just in from my buddy Justin, who is nothing if not extreme in his love for the Hurricanes: “Whipps needs to run the ball more.” Ladies and gentlemen, life as an offensive coordinator! Remember, this is the same guy we were all pissed at last week when he ran the ball to win the game. I don’t think anything short of all the gold in Fort Knox could convince me to be the offensive coordinator at the University of Miami.
• Riley Skinner makes an amazing throw, throwing an out in to the flat across the field as he is dragged to the ground. Sometimes, you can’t even get mad.
• Miami has actually been blitzing early, and yet Skinner keeps beating it. Even when the blitz is timed right and the coverage is good, he is fitting the ball in to tight windows after a quick read. When the quarterback is playing like this he cannot be beat. Period.
• Miami gets called for defensive holding, which I am pretty is damn near impossible to get called for on a short pass play. And people wonder why I despise referees. Also, Wake Forest scores a touchdown. (10- 0 WF)
• Classy move by ABC, lingering on a sign that says “TH ll_ _ll GS”. Completely unrelated, but this is starting to look like the ‘Canes are going to let Clemson beat them two weeks in a row.
• Miami starts the next drive with a first down on a screen to Mike James and then hits a 31 yard pass play to Hank. This is of course followed by a false start and punt. Which Bosher kicks through the goal posts. Net gain on this punt: 15 yards. Brilliant.

2nd QTR

• Wake runs for two first downs and then Skinner catches one. Yep, you read that right. This is bordering on the absurd.
• Russo texts me and says “Does Colin have to do everything?” Yes. Yes he does. And right now, he isn’t doing ANYTHING.
• Riley Skinner scores on a quarterback draw. (17-0 WF)
• …speechless…
• I get something like 15 text messages all at once that vary on the same theme: “Are you f$%king serious?”
• Miami comes out after a solid Mike James kick return in the hurry up offense…wait, the hurry up?! This actually makes so much sense that it can’t be real…
• First down…first down…TOUCHDOWN! This was completely set up by the hurry up, as Bob, errrr Brian, or whatever his name is astutely points out. Aldarious Johnson, we missed you. (17-7 WF)
• And Miami fails to do much of anything in kick coverage..Wake starts with the ball at the 35.
• Wake’s fullback catches a pass that Miami defended perfectly (this is the first of like 5 times I wrote something similar to this during the game).
• Allen Bailey picks up his 6th sack of the season on a blitz package to force a Wake punt. The coverage team flashes up a statistic that says Wake gave up 9 total punt return yards in all of 2008 and only 38 so far in 2009. WHAT?!?! That is one of the most amazing things I have ever heard.
• Miami cannot capitalize on a big play by Hank and punts. Wake goes down and scores a field goal, although they missed a surefire touchdown on a play when Miami only had 10 guys on the frickin’ field. (20-7 WF)
• Miami gets the ball with not much time left and my dad and I embrace for two kneel downs and Dan Stein firebombing the stadium. But then Jacory comes out in the shotgun and hits a big play to Collier…and Cooper rips off a big run…and Collier makes a big catch…and Damien Berry scores! Miami heads in to the half down 6, at 20-14, after recovering the squib kick and hitting a big play to Hank before running out of time.

Halftime

• My dad and I are so excited we have to go throw a football around. I am inspired by that last series. Cutthroat football at its best.

3rd QTR

• Bosher gets Miami’s first touchback of the season on the opening kickoff!!! In week 8. Yes, that deserves three exclamation points.
• Wake gets two quick firsts and then a blow job from the ref, who decides that Shields’s perfect coverage is pass interference. Shields recovers on the next play to force a fumble that Vaughn Telemaque recovers.
• Miami, of course, follows this momentum swing by going 3& out.
• Wake and Miami exchange 3&outs.
• Wake’s receiver makes another great catch to convert 3rd and 16. Skinner then converts 3rd & 9. Oh, and wait, another terrible P.I. call. Shocking! Wake beats a Cover Zero blitz for a touchdown. I’m not even mad, because it is me that has been calling for this for 7 games. (27-14 WF)
• Hanks makes a big catch before Jacory rolls into a sack, which leads to 2nd and 24, which leads to a draw play, which leads to Dan grabbing his Louisville Slugger and destroying the television set. That didn’t actually happen, but would anyone have blamed me?
• Jacory throws an interception instead of throwing it out of bounds and taking the punt.
• Bailey makes a big play to force Wake into 2nd and long, which leads to a punt, which surprisingly isn’t faked. Wake then bails Miami out of a muffed punt and bad field position with a…gasp…personal foul? THUGS!!!!!!!!! SCOUNDRELS!!!!!!!!!!!!!

4TH QTR

• Jacory hits Hank for a first down and Miami goes back to the hurry up. Before 3rd down, ABC flashes up this fun little stat: Miami is 3/10 on 3rd down today. Great stuff. As if on cue, Jacory is sacked.
• Miami punts, which is followed by a pass interference call on DVD behind the line of scrimmage. Is that even possible? Shannon protests, and it does not even appear that the refs give him the time of day. This is the 500th straight game that Miami gets the short end of the officiating stick, a new record. Also, the next time someone calls an opponent for holding a Miami defensive end might give me a stroke. Also, why is it that the ‘Canes never are the beneficiary of a pass interference penalty?
• Wake misses a field goal, keeping Miami alive. Miami capitalizes by going 3 and out. They have 10 total yards in the half (or something like that).
• Wake muffs the Miami punt, which rolls around on the 2 for the most nerve wracking .34 seconds in sports before Shields jumps on it! First and goal from the 2 for the ‘Canes.
• Whipple calls a playaction pass for Jacory (to say I am puckered is an understatement), who completes it to a wide open Tervarris Johnson in the back of the end zone. The fact that Johnson is an asset this year is pretty much all you need to know about Whipple. (27-21 WF)
• ABC comes out of commercial with a shot of the Wake library. For the second time. I imagine going to school there probably sucks.
• Wake makes another ridiculous catch and converts a first down. Then, on 3rd and 5, Miami tips the ball three times before DVD comes down with it for his first career interception. First of all, this was the luckiest INT ever. Second, is it bad that our third year starting CORNERBACK just recorded his first career interception? Yes, yes it is. (Upon watching the highlights, I noticed DVD threw up 6 fingers after the play to honor Jasper Howard…that is one of the most badass things I have ever seen.)
• Miami, of course, cannot capitalize. Hank drops a pass and the ‘Canes punt.
• Skinner picks up a first down on a scramble but suffers a concussion. You hate to see it, but at this point I will take it.
• Wake’s backup picks up a first down and I get a sinking feeling for the first time that we might actually lose to Wake Effing Forest.
• Miami takes a bad timeout and then gives up a first down coming out of it, but gets bailed out by an offensive holding call. On 3rd and 17 with fewer than 3 minutes left, Miami digs deep and comes up with a sack. They then call timeout. And this is where we find out just how cool Jacory is under pressure.
• With 2:51 to go, Wake hits the luckiest punt ever, picking up roughly 15 yards on the bounce to pin the ‘Canes 82 yards away from the game winning touchdown.
• Collier makes a great play, but then a series of blunders (including another Hank drop) puts Miami in 4th and 16 to extend the game…and Aldarious Johnson makes an amazing catch in traffic to convert!
• (In hindsight, this is easily the play of the game. It reminded me of Kellen Winslow II’s catch on a Thursday night against West Virginia in 2003 that saved the game and for the moment the season. Eerily similar.)
• Bolstered by this, Jacory finds Benjamin for a big gainer and then on the next play for a touchdown. Great series for the young offense. Whipple put the ball in the hands of his best player and told him to go win the game, and Jacory obliged. Although now we have the problem of leaving too much time on the clock. Who’d have thunk it? (28-27 UM)
• Miami covers the kick well, gives up a couple of first downs and Wake crosses midfield. However, they run out of time and are forced to try a 60 yard field goal to win the game…
• Which they miss!!!! Miami wins it!!!!!!!!!!

The Day After

• I don’t need to go through all the mistakes that were made. In football, mistakes happen. Sometimes you can play well, which I though the defense did for the most part, and still get beat (witness the 6 or 7 amazing throws and catches Wake made against good coverage and big time pressure to prolong drives). Sometimes, the bounces just don’t go your way early, and you can either keep after it or fold. Against Virginia Tech, in similar conditions, the ‘Canes folded. Against Clemson, Miami kept after it but came up short. In the end, against Wake Forest, they kept after it and pulled out a win that they shouldn’t have. And I guess that is all that matters. Sometimes, this game transcends analysis and message board thread after message board thread about every terrible play made in the game. It wasn’t pretty, but at the end of the day it was a win, and wins all count the same, no matter how ugly they are. A win is a win, whether it's by an inch or a mile. (Did that sound like Jerry Springer’s final thought? Good.)

Other Games I Watched

• UNC vs. Vagina Tech: Screw you Virginia Tech. It is games like this that make me go 4-5 for the weekend in my picks section and drop me to 26-33 for the season. And let me just add that this has been a really weird season.
• USF vs. West Virginia: I pick USF two weeks in a row and they lose. I pick them to lose ONCE and they win. Screw you USF.
• Ole Miss vs. Auburn: Billy Stein moves to 0-2 in the guest picker role. Sorry man. On a brighter note, he did say the funniest thing of his life on Friday. Bill was trying to explain to a couple of female friends why he wanted to see Boondock Saints instead of Paranormal Activity with them. When he explained the movie, they said they still didn’t get it. His response: “You know Hannah Montana? Well, this is MANnah Montana.” One of the greatest things ever said and an immediate addition to my vernacular.
• Florida State vs. North Carolina State: At one point during this shootout, they called FSU for a personal foul and then cut to Boobah on the sideline, who had on a look that said something like “When did they invent this dadgum personal foul rule?” High comedy.
• Indiana vs. Iowa: Indiana folded so badly that they had to create a special category on the ESPN ticker that was called “Iowa Big Plays”. Indiana gave up roughly 24 plays of 80 yards or greater in the 4th Quarter. They forced 5 interceptions and lost the game. The Big Ten, boys and girls.
• South Carolina vs. Tennessee: Well, Tennessee crushed Darth Visor and looked terrible doing it in the black jerseys. Also, Montario Hardesty is a BEAST at running back.
• Oregon vs. USC: Nothing to say.

Best Game: Miami vs. Wake

Best Uniform: The Iowa Steelers.

Game Ball Goes To: LaMichael James. I'm pretty sure that's how it is properly spelled, but the kid plays for Oregon and he's a beast.

Worst Uniform: Miami (you got lucky Tennessee).

Trojan Enz © Boner of the Week Award: Georgia, for messing up the best helmet in the SEC by making it black and therefore costing themselves the Cocktail Party.

Non-BCS Name You Should Know: T.Y. Hilton, FIU. Stud slot receiver who will make noise in the NFL eventually.

Next Week’s Picks:

Since I will be in Miami for Homecoming Weekend and won’t have time for my preview, here are the picks for the week:

Virginia Tech over East Carolina

Georgia Tech over Wake Forest, who is now demoralized

South Carolina over Arkansas

Ohio State over Penn State

Alabama over LSU

UPSET SPECIAL: Navy over Notre Dame

Always guard the inbound passer.